Overboard...edit .0000001 brownlie

[tectak]

The wildest seas had risen up the night that Donny died.
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide,
the Gina Belle had tumbled on
her stern was low, her going gone.
The tumult turned her round and round,
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away.
 
The bladderwrack flew in the spray as Donny fought the wheel.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel;
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked
upon the heartless granite shore.
 
Donny had thrown into the swell, unhitched his line, made free.
Down deep he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea;  
he swam below, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him hard and square
and Donny died a sailor’s death.
 
tectak
2017

[Brownlie]

The wildest seas had risen up the night that Donny died. -- You might be able to "delete" had and "that" "The wild seas rose up the night Donny died."
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide, -- Think prepositions can be deleted. Like "on an awkward tide"
the Gina Belle had tumbled on -- Do you need had? 
her stern was low, her going gone. 
The tumult turned her round and round, -round and round is redundant. You only need round IMO.
in waves that broke on jagged ground --Not sure about jagged ground. Sounds like a cliff. 
no more than half a league away. -This is sort of like the Edmund Fitzgerald song 
 
The bladderwrack flew in the spray as Donny fought the wheel.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight, pinned her by the keel; -- For the rhyming, should the line length or meter be consistent? 
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew -- Do you need cracked and flew?
in shards that rained upon the deck, - can you get rid of that, in and upon?
or what was left, until she wrecked
upon the heartless granite shore. -- Not sure about the word heartless here. 
 
Donny had thrown into the swell, unhitched his line, made free. --Don't need had IMO, unless maybe Donny is still in the throes of the swell.
Down deep he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea; -- Don't need down and deep. Deep = going down already. 
he swam below, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him hard and square 
and Donny died a sailor’s death. -- Don't like died xxx a death.[b] Died a sailor (without the word death) or faced a sailor's death or something better than those two options. [/b]
tectak
2017

This is really understandable, which provides a nice break. Even if you have to change the rhyming words, I'd clean up the style and delete unneeded words.

[Flowerchild1093]

The wildest seas had risen up the night that Donny died. This first sentence doesn't feel as though it's in the same tense as the rest of the poem, in my opinion. 
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide, Perhaps replace awkward with a more fitting word. A rolling tide, for example, maybe?
the Gina Belle had tumbled on Had feels like filler.
her stern was low, her going gone.
The tumult turned her round and round, Round and round seems repetitive. Maybe just narrow it down to one, or even just rephrase. (Spinning round?)
in waves that broke on jagged ground Rephrase?
no more than half a league away. The way this is worded feels out of theme, and out dated.
 
The bladderwrack flew in the spray as Donny fought the wheel.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight, pinned her by the keel; The grounding?? I feel like this line needs some restructuring. Too run-on.
Again, again, again she skewed Is again x3 necessary? Perhaps something different like "Over and again".
until her timbers cracked and flew
("in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked") I really enjoy this particular verse, it has a nice feeling about it.
upon the heartless granite shore. The shore? It just doesn't feel to me like it should be wrecking into the shore because otherwise why wouldn't you have known it was coming? People don't captain vessels and then wreck into the shore instead of stopping before you get there.
 
Donny had thrown into the swell, unhitched his line, made free. Had thrown? What exactly do you mean by this??
Down deep he dove into the rage, in the hopes of calmer sea;  
("he swam below, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained") Love this verse, though I'm not sure that burst is quite the right word. Gasped?
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him, hard and square
and Donny died a sailor’s death.
 I feel like this ending isn't complete, like it needs another sentence or something. (In the end; there's nothing left.)? 

tectak
2017

I hope this helps or is at least the appropriate type of critique you were looking for. First critique as a member of this forum. Overall I love the work as a whole! I just think it needs minor tweaking.

[nibbed]

Hi Tectak. The Old Man and the Sea is playing in the background as I write this critique. I know it's a fishing story, but it has to do with the sea, and that's pretty cool timing, I think. This piece has a way about it. Okay, it is like how a seafarer would talk, or a Captain writing in the log.



The wildest seas had risen up the night that Donny died.                                      no that
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide,                                 no to the
the Gina Belle had tumbled on                                                                               no had
her stern was low, her going gone.
The tumult turned her round and round,                                                              I like the rhythm of these last three lines
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away.
 
The bladderwrack flew in the spray as Donny fought the wheel.                           
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel;            every time I see "her", I want to say, " 'er"
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked
upon the heartless granite shore.                                                                         
 
Donny had thrown into the swell, unhitched his line, made free.                            this line seems disorderly
Down deep he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea;                                  eliminate the deep bring into together
he swam below, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him hard and square
and Donny died a sailor’s death.
 
tectak
2017



thank you for the interesting read.
it seems rather sad, though.
have a wonderful, happy, and blessed evening.
best wishes
janine