First Edit: Dying Alone

[Richard]

First Edit:

Dying Alone

The thought of you dying alone
is killing me.
Like a terminal patient,
I suck in my breaths
defiantly.
I demand my lungs to move air,
my heart to pump;
I demand life.

If I could, I'd leave you behind
like a wounded soldier
abandoned on a battlefield.

But you remain,
pushing me along our path in life.
Some call this love,
while I just wait.

Original:

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me.
I know we searched and found our path, my wife,
like great detectives solve a mystery,
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind,
yet I am trapped by knowing people die
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lie.

So now the trail is lost or done; no light
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip.

And when I think I've overcome my fears,
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears.

[Lizzie]

Hi Richard! I have a couple of thoughts for you.

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me.
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, -- 'my wife' feels tacked on here to get the rhyme.
like great detectives solve a mystery, -- nice. Maybe name a great detective?
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind,
yet I am trapped by knowing people die -- die and lie are very predictable rhymes.
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lie. -- I'd try to simplify this sentence (which is a whole stanza) -- the wording gets a little convoluted by trying to make the rhymes happen at the right time.

So now the trail is lost or done; no light
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip. -- don't understand "lonely lip"

And when I think I've overcome my fears,
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears. -- fears rhymed with tears has been done to death (no pun intended)

Too much of the language is bland: end, done, make, leave -- I'd go through and make sure that each verb is pulling its weight, or if it could contain more action or be more surprising.

Overall, I think that focusing on the rhymes is neutering the word choices of the poem.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[Richard]

Hey Lizzie,
Thanks for the feedback. This is a poem that I've struggled with for a while, so it might be time to think of dropping the sonnet form from it.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Lizzie]

Well, let someone else who knows a bit more about sonnets than yours truly take a look at it. Don't commit to any changes just yet....

[just mercedes]

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me. Good opening line, bathos pulled me in, 
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, lost me here - first and only mention of a wife
like great detectives solve a mystery, 
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife. These three lines, a run-on sentence, feel too prosey. No compression.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind, good image
yet I am trapped by knowing people die 'yet' doesn't fit here for me 
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lie. inversion to achieve rhyme - stands out

So now the trail is lost or done; no light lots of words that don't carry any weight
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip.'warms my lonely lip'? - bit of a stretch

And when I think I've overcome my fears, 
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears. 'tracks (of) my tears' teetering on the edge of cliche?

I hope I haven't been less that mild or moderate in my crit! Your meter is impeccable, but it's obtained at the cost of using lots of 'filler' words that lack imagery, impact. This lessens your reader's connection to the poem.

The bones are there, but they're caught between poetry and prose.

Try to find a more poetic way to say '... by knowing people die / at any time, and leave their love behind'

I'd like to see a revision of this, so I hope you keep working on it.

[Richard]

Hey just mercedes,
Thanks for the feedback. It gave me some ideas on where to take this poem next as well.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Achebe]

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me.
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, ....there aren't many words that rhyme with 'wife', apart from 'life', 'strife' and 'knife'....and 'rife', of course. One way to make the lines appear less forced here is to enjamb eg. We and found our path, my wife / and I, like sleuths resolve a mystery / but clues, etc.
like great detectives solve a mystery,
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife. ... the vagueness of this line disturbs me. It's almost as if you needed the 'afterlife' to rhyme with 'wife' and constructed the rest of the sentence around it. If you and your wife "solved" the mystery of life from its "clues", then the doubt here is meaningless. Otherwise, you didn't "solve" the mystery like a great detective does. The whole stanza is held hostage to the 'wife / life' rhyme.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind,
yet I am trapped by knowing people die
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lie. ...again, this line adds nothing to the stanza and is forced to exist to rhyme with "die"

So now the trail is lost or done; no light
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip. ...this is actually an ok line. I'd have preferred something other than 'lonely', such as 'thirsty', given the allusion to whisky

And when I think I've overcome my fears,
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears. ...convoluted

overall - I like what you're trying to say, but the rhymes destroy the poem for me

[Richard]

Hey Achebe,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm letting this one sit for a bit before going back to revise it. I am thinking of changing its format because I have to agree with you that some of the meaning was lost and/or limited by trying to fit in the rhymes.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Jana]

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me.   <- Agree, good opening hook, touches the universal, I'm hearing a potential mate brought in at this point.
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, <- Maybe shorten. Ex. "We've searched and found our path, my wife" or "Together we've found our path, my wife"
like great detectives solve a mystery, <- Is the mystery the resolved path together, I'm guessing? 
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife. <- Lost me here. Clues - detective - mystery all flow together well, but maybe toying with different phrasings could jog new ideas, or possibly reordering the lines into couplets - the thought of dying first is killing me/like great detectives solve a mystery/we've searched and found our path, my wife/without guarantees of an afterlife - It still sounds like a forced rhyme but maybe what follows would reduce that impact by delving into it a little deeper. After all, this is the main sentiment you're expressing here.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind, <-Caging this fear in my mind at night
yet I am trapped by knowing people die <- I'm trapped by knowing that I could die
at any time, and leave their love behind, <- At any time leaving my love behind
while in the earth what's left of them must lie. <- Buried deep and out of sight?

So now the trail is lost or done; no light <- Now the trail is lost/done/ended, devoid of light
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip. <- ? Not sure of the meaning here, so have no suggestion
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight, <- Like this, good line to show the aging process and why your mind is taking this turn
before the evening warms my lonely lip. <- Not sure of the meaning here, either. Why are you lonely if you're both still together?

And when I think I've overcome my fears, <- maybe drop the "and"
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears. <- I would split this into two lines and use they instead of they'll. Is it "their tracks" as in the fears become the tracks of your tears? I like the idea of the transformation of fears into tears.

I feel these sentiments are the hardest to put into words and think that you've got a good start on doing just that. I've enjoyed hearing how that unfolds here and look forward to seeing what tweaks you use to refine it.

[Richard]

Hey Jana,
Thanks for the feedback. You're right about the third line. The mystery is the resolved path. In the third stanza the trail is devoid of light because the speaker's wife has died. This is also why the word "lonely" is used in the line 12. That is also why the second stanza deals with the images of fear (the fear of dying/ being left alone after the speaker's wife has died) and death (the speaker's wife has died). The more I read critiques for this poem, the more I think this is the type of piece where I knew what I was trying to communicate, but failed somewhere along the way with effectively communicating my ideas.

Thanks again for the feedback,
Richard

[Jana]

Thanks for clarifying. I'm not sure how I missed your meaning. Now that you've pointed it out, it's obvious but then makes the first line confusing. Maybe that's what threw me off originally. I was reading it as he was afraid of dying before her. In the next line, he's speaking to her as if she's alive. Then at the end, it gets confusing because there isn't a segue communicating her passing.

[Richard]

Yeah, this is my bad. This poems needs some tweaks for the sake of clarification.

Cheers,
Richard

[Flowerchild1093]

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me.
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, I think you have alot of options for changing up this line, it doesn't seem quite right the way that it is. "I know" could be removed, and personally I think you should pick between searched out or found. Then toward the end, perhaps "I and my wife"
like great detectives solve a mystery,
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife. Guarantee just doesn't feel like the right word here. It's not fitting, somehow.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind,
yet I am trapped by knowing people die
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lies.

So now the trail is lost or done; no light
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip. What exactly about the evening in specific is warming to your loneliness?

And ("just?") when I think I've overcome my fears,
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks ("become?") my tears.

All in all I enjoyed the poem as a whole, and hope the the critique helps you out.

[Richard]

Hey Flowerchild1093,
Thanks for the feedback. I greatly appreciate some of the wording suggestions.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I had a tremendously difficult time revising this one, so I went in a completely different direction with it. I kept the title and a slightly changed first line, but then went from there. I really do feel that in the original I got bogged down with the format (sonnet), so I just let loose with this version. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Cheers,
Richard