Acute Myocardial Infarction

[Erthona]

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak:
stroking my carotid artery:
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there
and the panic begins to rise.
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

[Achebe]

I could be wrong, but the carotid artery carries oxygenated blood to the brain while a heart attack is caused by a blockage of the coronary arteries that carry blood to the muscles of the heart, leading to the heart stopping.
Otherwise, I like the image of the bird waiting to peck and the panic rising.

[Erthona]

Yeah, that's true, it's just an image of death, not an image of a heart attack. A bit of poetic license there. It kind of ties into the idea of dreaming that your falling and if you don't wake up before you hit the ground you die. In this sense the intense fear causes the heart attack, as the bird represent death.

However thanks for the comments, I did leave it a bit ambiguous I suppose maybe the metaphor is just difficult to follow and that's on me. I'll think about tightening it up.

Thanks again,

dale

[nibbed]

Hi Erthona,
I agree the title doesn't match the poem, but perhaps
you have another reason for it?
I hope you are well and not suffering this bird!

Best wishes!



Acute Myocardial Infarction

Death: a bird                                               ---------------I know it's a BIG BIRD, but would it really sit on both shoulders? What sort of bird?
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak:                                  -----------------punctuation seems wonky
stroking my carotid artery:                          ---------------I understand WHY the word stroking, though it seems it doesn't completely fit.
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there                                            ---------------"feel"...wouldn't it be more "I know you are/it is there"?
and the panic begins to rise.      


erthona

[Erthona]

Thanks nibbed,

Good catch, you're right it should be shoulder (singular), will change. Yeah I struggled with the title, or rather the title is correct, but the poem turned into something different than what it was suppose to be.
Stroking the vein causes it to rise to the top.
"Feel" here is not a sensory feel, but a knowing "feel". As "I feel the devil is out to get me."

Thanks for the thoughtful critique,

dale

[Lizzie]

Hi Dale. I also wouldn't have known that this wasn't about a heart attack. I read it that way and liked it. I like your vision for it too, but that didn't come across.

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird -- I actually don't think you need 'Death.' I'd say, "A bird sits on my shoulder..." The title makes it clear that we're talking about mortality, and the bird of prey imagery is clear.
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak: -- I'm surprised by the number of colons in such a short piece. I don't see the need for this one or the one that follows, I think a comma will suffice.
stroking my carotid artery: -- I don't think 'stroking' is the right word here. I like your idea of getting the vein to come to the surface, and I get the image from that of robins running across the ground to simulate the sound of rain, tricking the earthworms into surfacing. They just don't stroke anything to do that, and the fact that birds don't have hands makes the image not work for me. You could say, "...scratching for my carotid artery" because birds will scratch the ground with their feet to uncover bugs and what not.
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there -- this has an intimate quality to it -- I like that
and the panic begins to rise.
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

Hope this helps. Sorry to hear you've been unwell, but welcome back.

[Wjames]

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak: "Razor sharp" is a little weak in my eyes, it's too common a phrase.
stroking my carotid artery:
waiting to strike again. I agree about there being too many colons jammed in such a short place, although that was probably a stylistic choice on your part. I don't see a need for any punctuation at all after "beak" in the third line.
I feel you there
and the panic begins to rise. 
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

I don't think you need to specify it as an image of death, rather than a heart attack. A heart attack is one specific path to death, so it inherently implies death while allowing you to add concrete sensations. Thanks for the read!

[Erthona]

Lizzie,

Here are my thought on why the bird needs to be labeled as death. If I were the reader and I read "A bird sitting on my shoulder" I would pause and try and figure out what a bird on someone's shoulder has to do with a heart attack.

If you will note this line:

"waiting to strike again."

That tells you that the person has already had one heart attack, he is now acutely aware of his own mortality, thus death sitting on his shoulders in the form of a bird.
As the reader I probably would not get any of that if I took out identifying the bird as death.

You're right about too many colons I will correct that. I did not know that about robins. The stroking ("like a lover" which I left out) is to let the person know that death can strike anytime.

I did not know that about robins. This image comes from phlebotomist and drug addicts. Stroking the vein causes it to rise and remember, the bird is "death" not a real bird.

"this has an intimate quality to it -- I like that" Thanks for that.

Although I disagree with several of your points, I do appreciate the time and thoughtfulness you put into this, I will keep them with the poem and consider them again at a later time.

dale

---

Wjames,

"Razor sharp" is a little weak in my eyes, it's too common a phrase." Agreed, do you have a suggestion?

Yes, too many colons as I noticed when lizzie pointed it out, will correct. (When I first read that, I read that as colors, and I'm wondering, "What colors?" Hah!)

"I don't think you need to specify it as an image of death, rather than a heart attack. A heart attack is one specific path to death, so it inherently implies death while allowing you to add concrete sensations." I responded to this with Lizzie. But the salient point is the person who has had the heart attack is aware of the closeness of death, and as humans tend to anthropomorphize, it is no small leap that one would create a metaphor for death. Although having to defend a metaphor in poetry seems somewhat absurd to me, but you are not alone in this thinking. I'll take it under advisement after I let the poem rest for a few months.

Thanks much, and really I do agree razor sharp is a cliche, I am at a loss as to what to use instead, so any help there would be great.

dale

[ellajam]

Hi, Dale, I like shoulders because it gives the size of the bird, a bird of prey. You might consider honed beak, the sonics aren't brilliant but not horrid, maybe it will lead you to something. You also might consider replacing sitting with something more menacing or heavier. So:

Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders,
honed beak stroking
my carotid artery, waiting
to strike again.

Or a break on strike would be nice, your poem, your breaks.  Anyway, I think it is worth tweaking, it has staying power, like the bird.

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak:
stroking my carotid artery:
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there
and the panic begins to rise.
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

[vagabond]

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak:                   i would suggest "with a razor sharp beak"
stroking my carotid artery:
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there
and the panic begins to rise.
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

the use of the word stroke my carotid artery flashes the image of apoplexia to me.
it´s known that the risk for a heart attack increases after a stroke, maybe due to stress (panic).
so your title is quite appropriate!
the whole poem has quite an impact.

[billy]

i think anyone who's been there and read the book so to say will be well tuned in to this bugger. sitting feels weak considering what it represents, also would a specific type of bird add something more? i have Teflon netting wrapped round my heart as so much of it was cut away; this poem is about me at times. though thankfully i've lived through too much panic to let it not bother me anymore.

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak: no need for 'with'
stroking my carotid artery: the best line, death caressing his victim to be.
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there
and the panic begins to rise.
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

[just mercedes]

I think this carries a great sense of foreboding. I wonder if swapping the second and third lines would cancel out that image of a shoulder with a sharp beak?