Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
new year
pouring lead for a fortune´s dear tale
a heart-shaped drop remained at the pot´s frame
when I flaked the thing off it burst and fell
to the silvery sound of the new year´s bells
resonating so cold through my mind that i shivered
fate´s tale should not be so sharply delivered.
how could that be done, my heart felt like a weight
like those fragments of lead, those scattered remains.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
I just went to write "hi vag"... then changed my mind...
So, vagabond -- there are quite a few things I like about this poem, especially the lead/cold partnership which enhances the misery in the final lines. The play on heart is clever, and for me it's the last lines that make the poem.
I don't completely understand the first line -- I don't have any frame of reference for the action itself, the reason for pouring the lead. But then, if I hadn't spent time in the UK I'd have missed the "new year's bells" reference too, since we don't have "the bells" in Australia (and it's certainly not cold either), so maybe it's another cultural reference I'm missing. Happy to be enlightened, if so.
One thing that doesn't do the poem any favours, in my opinion, is the rhyme. It's inconsistent and doesn't really follow meter, so it feels forced. The 3rd couplet does have a rough "Night Before Christmas" feel to the rhythm but it's not perfect. It could be, though. Either/or.
It could be worse
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(05-11-2017, 04:52 AM)Leanne Wrote: I just went to write "hi vag"... then changed my mind...
So, vagabond -- there are quite a few things I like about this poem, especially the lead/cold partnership which enhances the misery in the final lines. The play on heart is clever, and for me it's the last lines that make the poem.
I don't completely understand the first line -- I don't have any frame of reference for the action itself, the reason for pouring the lead. But then, if I hadn't spent time in the UK I'd have missed the "new year's bells" reference too, since we don't have "the bells" in Australia (and it's certainly not cold either), so maybe it's another cultural reference I'm missing. Happy to be enlightened, if so.
One thing that doesn't do the poem any favours, in my opinion, is the rhyme. It's inconsistent and doesn't really follow meter, so it feels forced. The 3rd couplet does have a rough "Night Before Christmas" feel to the rhythm but it's not perfect. It could be, though. Either/or.
i wouldn´t have a problem even if you call me "vague"
the custom of pouring molten lead is done in the night of sylvester and the resulting irregular forms as the lead cools are used to interpret/ guess the events of the new year.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Ah, that makes sense. We have a similar custom of pouring beers and as the bottom of the glass approaches, everyone guesses who we'll go home with.
It could be worse
