the cure

[vagabond]

the cure
 
just when that flickering light was sufficiently confined
and I had nestled in a comfortably dusky seclusion (not loneliness)
where my shame was invisible (at least to others) …
 
so just when I thought I found peace (or rather meditated on acceptance)
and had felt nothing but relief because I have relieved myself
of all these things that lead to desire leads to hope …
 
no, just when I´d made of pain a memory, rapidly fading together
with something else (not the thrill), I was not sure anymore
if I ever was really hurt (but I have and might still) …
 
but then, just when I thought there was – finally –  no more fear,
no more reason, no care -
you ignite the night.

[ellajam]

Fun read. I keep tripping on lead/ leads, maybe I'm missing something.The first two strophes are so strong but I spend the next two pedaling towards the end, which I like, so much better than a possible You stab me dead again, even if that's where it goes.

I think you express that moment well, thanks for the read.

[vagabond]

Fun read. I keep tripping on lead/ leads, maybe I'm missing something.The first two strophes are so strong but I spend the next two pedaling towards the end, which I like, so much better than a possible You stab me dead again, even if that's where it goes.

I think you express that moment well, thanks for the read.

i am actually surprised that you found something different than what i wanted to express AND it still works for you.
thank you.

[ellajam]

Fun read. I keep tripping on lead/ leads, maybe I'm missing something.The first two strophes are so strong but I spend the next two pedaling towards the end, which I like, so much better than a possible You stab me dead again, even if that's where it goes.

I think you express that moment well, thanks for the read.

i am actually surprised that you found something different than what i wanted to express AND it still works for you.
thank you.

Happens all the time. For me ignite the night is a positive thing.

[67eager]

You provide a very interesting analysis of how feelings and emotions change over time. I particularly found your parenthetical comments amusing. However, I find that there are a lot of sentences with unorthodox structures, which (for me at least) obscure what you are saying. I will highlight the examples below:


the cure
 
just when that flickering light was sufficiently confined
and I had nestled in a comfortably dusky seclusion (not loneliness)
where my shame was invisible (at least to others) … This is well done. Perhaps the ellipsis could be placed within the parenthesis?
 
so just when I thought I found peace (or rather meditated on acceptance) I giggled at this (In a good way)
and had felt nothing but relief because I have relieved myself
of all these things that lead to desire leads to hope … This is the line which I'm talking about. 'Leads to desire leads to hope' is not only comfortable to he ear, but also quite difficult to make sense of.
 
no, just when I´d made of pain a memory, rapidly fading together
with something else (not the thrill), I was not sure anymore
if I ever was really hurt (but I have and might still) … Nice + unexpected rhyme. It almost seems unintentional. 
 
but then, just when I thought there was – finally –  no more fear, I think that 'finally' should be bordered by commas rather than hyphens. 
no more reason, no care -  
you ignite the night. This is a very powerful and ominous line. To me it gives the whole poem a cyclical feeling to it. Well done.
[/quote]

[vagabond]

You provide a very interesting analysis of how feelings and emotions change over time. I particularly found your parenthetical comments amusing. However, I find that there are a lot of sentences with unorthodox structures, which (for me at least) obscure what you are saying. I will highlight the examples below:


the cure
 
just when that flickering light was sufficiently confined
and I had nestled in a comfortably dusky seclusion (not loneliness)
where my shame was invisible (at least to others) … This is well done. Perhaps the ellipsis could be placed within the parenthesis?
no, because each verse is supposed to remain unfinished.
 
so just when I thought I found peace (or rather meditated on acceptance) I giggled at this (In a good way)
and had felt nothing but relief because I have relieved myself
of all these things that lead to desire leads to hope … This is the line which I'm talking about. 'Leads to desire leads to hope' is not only comfortable to he ear, but also quite difficult to make sense of.
i could have written "these things that lead to desire and desire leads to hope" by confusing it i provoke you to make sense of it anyway.


no, just when I´d made of pain a memory, rapidly fading together
with something else (not the thrill), I was not sure anymore
if I ever was really hurt (but I have and might still) … Nice + unexpected rhyme. It almost seems unintentional.    you´re right about that, first i wrote "(I have and still might)" until i saw it.
 
but then, just when I thought there was – finally –  no more fear, I think that 'finally' should be bordered by commas rather than hyphens.   i wanted something stronger
no more reason, no care -  
you ignite the night. This is a very powerful and ominous line. To me it gives the whole poem a cyclical feeling to it. Well done.

[/quote]

---

Fun read. I keep tripping on lead/ leads, maybe I'm missing something.The first two strophes are so strong but I spend the next two pedaling towards the end, which I like, so much better than a possible You stab me dead again, even if that's where it goes.

I think you express that moment well, thanks for the read.

i am actually surprised that you found something different than what i wanted to express AND it still works for you.
thank you.

Happens all the time. For me ignite the night is a positive thing.

for me as well

[ellajam]

i could have written "these things that lead to desire and desire leads to hope" by confusing it i provoke you to make sense of it anyway.

Sure, if you want a stopper in your poem to let the reader wander off to guess at what you mean and possibly return (if they haven't already lost interest) that's your prerogative. I'm not a fan of the double desire above but I'd bet there's a better way.

[vagabond]

anyone who likes to wander off is invited to do so. it is never impossible to go back to the beginning once one has explored a sideway, and walk the way again without the sideway.