Opium is the religion of the masses

[Erthona]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Dale. Been awhile. A few notes...

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill, "The rich" are a tired subject. Can you name them more freshly?
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones, for my taste strike "indiscriminately" unnecessarily melodramatic  
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans. - quiet 

 
erthona
 
©2017 

[rayheinrich]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
erthona©2017 

Not that I think mixed metaphors aren't a useful construct, especially in poetry;
but I'm wondering if "throw us under their mill" was intentional. (I was thinking of the mix of
"throw us under the bus"... combined with one of the many "mill" metaphors. Since you use
"grind our flesh & bones" in the second line, I think the first line might be "throw us in their mill".
Hmm, maybe something different; but you get the idea.

As for as "the rich" goes, that never gets old. ("Bourgeoisie" being a bit too cute?)

Ray

P.S. Poppies forbidden, yes; but what about video games, YouTube, or free poetry sites where
we can rebel in obscurity?

[Erthona]

Mark,

Thanks for the typo catch "Quiet" right

IDK with the TRUMP admin rich seems fresh again.

Unfortunately not too many choices beyond indiscriminately. I looked in the thesaurus and the thesaurus was bare. If you have one in mind I'm all ears.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

IDK Ray, as you say it is a mixed metaphor and the rich seldom need much of an excuse to abuse the poor. Only when they are confronted about it do they through off some kind of justification.

"Poppies" was used as a general metaphor as anything that helps on forget about how hopeless his/her life is.

Thanks for the input, always much appreciated.


Thanks again to both of you,


dale

[nibbed]

Hi, Dale. Boy I just had a very personal freak out reading this. It reminded me of a personal mountain I climbed with someone I cared about, directly relating to the non-metaphor. Yes, "the rich" seems too vague, but how do we pinpoint such oppressors and call them by name? Not all rich are also powerful...Oppression might be better described using a more criminal term? I think half the time the rich are unaware or fighting other giants themselves. And what makes one rich, is it money or other things? I was drawn to the title because opiates are killing a lot of our young people in the US and it needs to be stopped...One user said heroin use is like cracking open a beer nowadays...

I don't want to say much more without being too politically minded. Best wishes to you.

[Erthona]

Thanks nibbed, I'm glad it had an impact for you. Yeah the rich is a bit generic, but with TRUMP the "Rich" have taken on a more sinister aspect these days, plus the gap between the haves and the have nots is rapidly getting wider. That was true under the Obama admin, and will only increase under TRUMP.

As far as the brain is concerned alcohol and heroin are practically indistinguishable and that is from a study from over forty years ago. I learned a long time ago you can protect people from themselves.

How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it really has to want to change!

Thanks again for your comments,

dale

[Todd]

Hi Dale,

Your title is fantastic. One of the problems with that is the poem has to work hard to live up to it. I think a short poem can still accomplish that (especially given that Marx extended quote is fairly short with some melodramatic points (heart/heartless, etc). So, just some thoughts to tighten it up a bit.

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,--class warfare and suffering good tight start.
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,--This would be stronger if you cut indiscriminately
yet forbid us poppies to succor--While I don't hate this line, it may not do quite enough. Succor isn't a bad word but maybe you want something that might imply worship or liturgy. This line works but if you're intending to make this work in four lines it feels like a bit of wasted space. If this were double its length I wouldn't even comment in this way (not saying you should double it).
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.--I saw the typo correction so I won't dwell on that. I think rather than focusing on the abstract mental anguish and the more concrete pitiful moans you may want to transport the speakers to ecstasy. Marx was making a criticism on a relief from suffering while leaving the suffering in place. In this instance, you eliminate an element of the suffering (with a trade off). If you were to keep this construction I would find a substitute for mental anguish and keep these images more concrete. 
 
erthona
 
©2017 

Just some thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd

[dukealien]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,  sub wealthy for rich?  hold us trapped between millstones?
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones, sub thoughtlessly or busily for indiscriminately
yet forbid us poppies to succor  sub assuage for succor, though when pronounced "sucker" it does bite
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.  "suppress our moans" for "qui(e)t ... moans"?
 
erthona
 
©2017 

Confession:  did scan the thread up to here first.

The conceit and title reversal are good.  Could perhaps be rewritten more as a demand for (more/legal) drugs than a complaint that they're not legal; also, the religious angle could be stressed ("our persecuted savior, Opium") or the like.

[burrealist]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones, ("Indiscriminately" is a very well-chosen word.)
yet forbid us poppies to succor (I've envisioned these poppies are red, like blood shed from the flesh and bones. So I also imagine the poppies are smeared on their mill now.)
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans. (I understand the place for "mental anguish", for those who have suffered under the mill. I also think rich people suffer. You've spoken about the rich as if they don't know suffering, or I have only read that. If I spent more time thinking about these words, I may come to a different conclusion/epiphany. However, I do think some of the rich people have mistakenly fallen in and felt our pain. Also, I think some rich people throw each other in each other's mills. Are the rich so quiet themselves, or do they moan pitifully over considerable nonsense?)

(These four lines are provocative, well-written, and display quite an economy of language. I'm noticing, as a whole, there is a clash between the physical pain being described and the mental pain being stated. Is that deliberate?)
 
erthona
 
©2017 

[Erthona]

Thanks Todd, you always give good feedback and this is the case here. I agree that "succor" is a bit weak and maybe the entire line, but I've no idea with what to replace it at the moment, but I will keep the thought in mind. Yes, I will  indiscriminately cut "indiscriminately"   This was written in accentual verse and was supposed to be 3-6-3-6, but that didn't happen, so I really have no reason to keep the word, plus it improves the overall rhythmic quality of the line.  

" Marx was making a criticism on a relief from suffering while leaving the suffering in place. In this instance, you eliminate an element of the suffering (with a trade off). If you were to keep this construction I would find a substitute for mental anguish and keep these images more concrete. "

I was only making a play on the quote, not on the philosophy, so I was not trying for any equivalency, or one to one correlation; I would definitely need more than four lines to accomplish that. I would need to include that the middle class has died, and while it is one life support with one foot in the grave, it is not yet dead, so to do so would be ambiguous at best. Plus, mental suffering is there because the "proletariat"  now includes non-manual labor jobs, although one could say they are just as laborious   but one could also say that the proletariat is quite mental these days, but then again, they are a lot more educated than Marx's proletariat, thus more abstract.

However, it is no surprise that Marx was concrete seeing as how he was Prussian, and everyone knows of the concrete thinking of Germans; this is why technical manuals are more often written in German. Germans rarely use such devices as irony or satire, although I use them quite frequently (not to mention over statement ).                                                     

Oh well, now I'm just rambling on.

Best


dale

---

Duke,

Thanks for the critique. I like the idea of "assuage". I am going with removing "indiscriminately" from L2. I can't go with your suggestion as it would screw up the rhythm of the last line, though if it were just the words it might be a good suggestion.

Thanks again,

dale

---

burrealist,

First off thanks for taking your time to read and comment.

In answer to your question unspoken and not, I think what you are picking up on is the irony of the poem. Thus the hyperbole of such words as "pitiful", as you point out things are never so black and white as people would like to make them seem, this is not to say the poem is unsympathetic to the problems of the poor, it is however unsympathetic to black and white thinking.

Hope that answers your questions.

Best,

dale

[tectak]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

---

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

Hi Dale...it is I. Pop-up poetry from you...whatever next? Immediate though is, why? I happily conceed that you must have had a Damascus moment to produce this miniscule and seemingly weighty thought but I am damned if I can get the measure of the mass....speaking Newtonially. I am left feeling "so what"? Thing is, the leftist clarion call is always unchanging and pitifully but genuinely predictable. All I can do with it is to  bitch on about the bits I feel are unworthy of you as a seer of things which others do not see...so....what or where is "under" the mill? Under the hammer, under the the cosh...yep...but THROUGH the mill, surely? Why indiscriminately? How would discrimination work in the flesh and bone grinding process...I don't see it. I don't see it at all. So...where is this going? Well, for me you need to get off the soap-box and give this minimalist quanta a raison d'etre. I.mean, no rhyme, scan, shaky metaphorical whinge BUT the poppy contra could and should be expanded...Papaver somniferum has a beautiful intonation...write the poem.
Bemused,
tectak

[aschueler]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

You've got lots of responses to such few lines!

As a practicing primary care physician I see a lot of drug addiction and this is the general gist I get when I tell them they need to stop/change/I won't refill your pain meds etc etc.  It's complicated, and there is a definite sense of holy entitlement present as you have mentioned.

I hated the word succor.  But then, I always have. Other ideas I had went from a verbalized form of unguent (which is a secret favorite word of mine), to salve (which made me snicker, long story).  What about soothe?

[Erthona]

Tom,

non resurget
__________________________________________________________________
Oh yes, quite right, through the mill, under the mill stone. Will correct.

"Thing is, the leftist clarion call is always unchanging and pitifully but genuinely predictable."

Of course, give me some credit, that's what I wrote. That is why I used such hyperbolic words like "indiscriminately".

Actually it started out as accentual verse and then it fell out of form, which is why I am going to cut "indiscriminately", not because the word is bad, but because the line needs shoring up rhythmically.

"Papaver somniferum" I thought you only did fungus?

Glad to hear from you,

dale

---

aschueler,

"unguent" really wouldn't work, as it is saying something different. The other two are single syllable and I need a two syllable word there. However I did enjoy thinking about unguent as it is such a disgusting word, both in the way it looks and sounds.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

Best,

dale

[aschueler]

Tom,

non resurget
__________________________________________________________________
Oh yes, quite right, through the mill, under the mill stone. Will correct.

"Thing is, the leftist clarion call is always unchanging and pitifully but genuinely predictable."

Of course, give me some credit, that's what I wrote. That is why I used such hyperbolic words like "indiscriminately".

Actually it started out as accentual verse and then it fell out of form, which is why I am going to cut "indiscriminately", not because the word is bad, but because the line needs shoring up rhythmically.      

"Papaver somniferum" I thought you only did fungus?

Glad to hear from you,

dale

---

aschueler,

"unguent" really wouldn't work, as it is saying something different. The other two are single syllable and I need a two syllable word there. However I did enjoy thinking about unguent as it is such a disgusting word, both in the way it looks and sounds.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

Best,

dale

Yeah unguent won't win a beauty pageant.  But it is still something I want to use someday.

It is simple but "...poppies that would [or could] soothe..."

[burrealist]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

I'm only doing a second critique because I learned a bit from reading the others.

I still like "indiscriminately". I'm sure there is a flaw everyone can see. Even then, it's solid. Maybe it's melodramatic, but for those spoken of in this poem... Politicians are constantly melodramatic, or just absurd. People, if you haven't noticed, walk the streets acting like some character they idolize on their favorite TV show. No matter who we are or what category people try to fit in, we're still vulnerable. 
The problem I can take from it: it's a very formal word, like we're reading some bland law-book on discrimination.

What I used as a critique before, you mentioned was intentional. The irony that people are people, no matter their class, still throw others in their mill (if I understood). So I think "poppies" can be changed to some street-name for a pop. drug. I've heard all different kinds, but don't remember.

"Forbid" -- Now I wonder if I've missed another point. Don't the rich benefit if we buy their drugs? It seems they wouldn't forbid us drugs, but sustain our anguish instead, keep us addicted.

You said you were struggling with "succor"-- What do you think of changing the direction a bit and using "sustain" instead?

[RiverNotch]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones, indiscriminately, at least, grinds.
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans. quiet.

erthona

the whole thing's not rich enough for me.

the title: opium and religion become circular here, to a point that's kinda grating. really, what exactly makes religion "religion", or opium "opium", in the context of this piece? they do have a meaning generally applied to them by society, but of course the point of the original statement, "religion is the opium of the masses", sought to redefine one for the other, and did so by using the rest of the text -- this one, meanwhile, doesn't. so religion "succors / our mental anguish", etc, which is what opium, barring the technical, is in its entirety -- but then what else is opium? the equation that is the title thus becomes a tautology, one that, by failing to address the differences between their inherent meanings, doesn't add anything to the conversation, ie, if you're gonna call opium a religion, make it such that the text shows the "us" here actually has a system of beliefs, a tradition, or even just a mode of congregation, that involves or revolves around opium; otherwise the title is just a cheap draw.

the rich: it's not exactly that you're wrong -- judging by my admittedly limited knowledge of marx, the rich in general does compose the bourgeoisie, and thus the implications of class warfare in the word are enough. it's just that the implications remain just that, implications -- mill implies industry, grind implies dehumanization, and rich implies what i just mentioned. but that's just it, implies, which if you are going for a critique of Trump, or even the system as a whole, ends up being utterly feckless, and thus useless. these are words, with these same meanings and intentions, that have been said before, and for issues that have existed for more than one, even two hundred years -- it's very hard, i'm sure, to inject anything new to the discussion, but vividness at least would let this float to the top. i'm not saying, of course, that one should advocate a specific political stance, it's just that to advocate not even a specific point of view in this more than two hundred year old issue does not a good poem make.

our mental anguish, our pitiful moans: basically the same thing as on "the rich", although i must also add that "mental anguish", "pitiful moans" sound particularly middle class, ie they sound like a college student being all wimpy about problems he or she doesn't fully comprehend, rather than the same sort of class obliteration, of "ourness", the piece seems to strive for. dehumanization through a lack of proper social and economic support is a very real thing -- to die of hunger or of lack of medicine causes more than "mental anguish" -- and "pitiful moans" has that air of not merely self-pity but of pity for the other, for the "our" the speaker seems to ingratiate him or herself with, that makes the whole piece sound doubly artificial, even the very same level of condescending "the rich" here supposedly revels in. that, and the use of "the masses": at the very least, when marx developed that aphorism, he was talking as a scholar, which this piece does not seem to do. then again, i may just be one of those awkward college students i'm critiquing, but then i'm not the one writing this piece.

[Paul Welsh]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

If this were a conceptual art piece > 'An ode to Friedrich Engels with two typos'.  Morbid intentions of Capital's c.19th industrial waged-slavery.  Under (the) mill' labourers on drugs & diversions, bent smiles inside meagre portions of time left, child labourers fit under moving gears, rickets men & women don't. Maybe stronger & longer? Experiment & expand. Paint more of labour's brutalised physiology against thick cigar yellow breath & tobacco snuff.

[vagabond]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
 
erthona
 
©2017 

i have a problem with yet, because i think the contradiction that you put in the center of this poem is not valid.
if opiates (or any drug) are used to soothe pain or distract from injustice then they actually serve the “oppressors” well.

[egl12345]

Opium is the religion of the masses
 
"The rich throw us under their mill," 
despite others reluctance on you using the vague term of "rich", I think it allows for interpretation and can relate to a wider audience than if you narrowed it down. Creating a specific oppressor may cause a stronger reaction from a select few, but t depends on your audience.

"indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,"
I love the use of the word "grind" as it tends to be used in reference to working but you've taken it very literally, causing it to have weight while still causing an unsettling and grotesque image.

"yet forbid us poppies to succor"
this line is has been set apart from the other lines clearly as it does not contain any of the unsettling imagery that the others have. It causes me to side a bit more with the "poppies" and feel sympathetic. (Its the only part of the poem that isn't terrifying so forbidding it seems cruel)    

"our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans." 
I think the last line should be a powerfully, weighted ending. The poem almost escalates then doesn't. This could be purposeful to cause an unsettling feeling or it was accidental, but i did feel unsatisfied.

I am really impressed with this poem and I don't know how much of the feelings I experienced were purposely pulled from me or were coincidental, but I think this is amazing. You could work with rhythm (like a more repetitive beat that matches the endless hopelessness feeling) but I think if you would have to sacrifice the wording for that to work then its perfect the way it is.
 
erthona
 
©2017