Fetish (adult)

[Powder]

My first thread, woohoo! So why not immediately start of with a NSFW poem  ><
I've had this one laying around for a while and I'm really happy with it. I think that I should really pick a poem that I can't make any better myself, so that's why I chose this one.
Don't be afraid to really tear into it, I've been pampered for years and it's time for someone to rip the bandage off (only if you truly mean it of course!)
Appreciate ya!

Version 1.1

FETISH

Flaccid bones and flesh
sealed tight within stretched skin;
clawing up blood and
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstacy and
leering eyes.
                   Inflicting pleasure unto
unblemished skin to force into
reality, and bathe in the staining
release of, venomous obsessions;
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence restrained
by moist leather, exotic rope
and love without mercy;
distilling rapture from pain.

-no thought can turn back time
no time can turn back thought-


-----------------------------------------------------


FIRST VERSION

FETISH

Flaccid bones and tense flesh
tightly sealed in stretched
skin; heaving and writhing.
Clawing up blood and feverishly
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
sensual shame.
                      Inflicting pleasure unto
unblemished skin to force into
reality, and bathe in the staining
release of, ungodly obsessions;
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence tied down.
by moist leather, exotic rope
and love without mercy;
distilling rapture from pain.

-no thought can turn back time
no time can turn back thought-

[Leanne]

Hi Powder -- certainly not the most NSFW thing I've read today, and to my delight, not a horrible melange of self-indulgent wank material either, so you're instantly up a couple of points.  In fact, I find myself quite liking what you've done and what you've yet to do, so let's see where we end up.  All suggestions are, of course, nothing more than suggestions.  I know it looks like quite a bit, but I don't tend to bother unless there's something decent to work with in the first place.

FETISH

Flaccid bones and tense flesh -- I like the flaccid bones (well no, I don't like them, but...) -- I feel this could have a bit more energy about it though.  Something along the lines of Flaccid bones and flesh/sealed in skin stretched tight.  Fewer words will increase tension.  
tightly sealed in stretched
skin; heaving and writhing. -- I'd remove heaving and writhing altogether.  They're porno cliches and you don't need the information.  Plus you're falling into an -ing trap.  
Clawing up blood and feverishly -- "and feverishly" doesn't add anything.  You could put clawing up blood straight after the semi-colon in place of heaving and writhing, then launch straight into reaching...
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
sensual shame. -- I feel that shame is a hammer-blow in a poem that could really do with more subtlety.  I'd like to see the shame implied rather than explicitly stated.
                      Inflicting pleasure unto -- inflicting pleasure is quite a dull phrase.  Is there some image that would show this, rather than telling it straight out?  Or sounds.  Sounds are good in a sensual poem, after all.
unblemished skin to force into -- unblemished skin is a bit of a cliche.  Maybe describe it, with colour and light.
reality, and bathe in the staining -- quite like staining release -- lots of connotations possible for staining
release of, ungodly obsessions; -- no comma.  I'm not convinced about ungodly either.
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence tied down. -- something stronger than tied down perhaps?  Even tethered might work, or restrained.
by moist leather, exotic rope
and love without mercy;
distilling rapture from pain. -- quite a good image

-no thought can turn back time
no time can turn back thought- -- nice circular ending implies both helplessness and a feeling of almost justice.  

[Powder]

Great feedback! Exactly what I was looking for! Unfortunately It's getting quite late here but I'll post a reworked version first thing tomorrow morning. Really appreciate it

EDIT: Okay nevermind, I can't sleep because I'll keep thinking about this anyway.

[Leanne]

Don't feel you have to rush revisions. We won't feel neglected if you leave it percolate for a few days

Having said that, I'm quite eager to see what you come up with.

[Powder]

So far I've changed it to

FETISH

Flaccid bones and flesh
sealed tight in stretched skin;
clawing up blood and

I'm kind of wondering, using this construction it sounds like the bones are clawing up blood, which sounds a bit strange? Might also be implying... and sorry to get even more graphic here, period sex. I don't know whether it really works. I'm also struggling with really fitting that 'tight' in there somewhere without it sounding off.
                                  
reaching for mangled dreams                        
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
(maybe add a two syllable adjective for flow here? like countless?) leering eyes.

I also considered; Stifling, sultry & eyes, silhouettes. I think this works best though. Leering eyes evoke that feeling of being judged which conveys more vividly what I was trying to get at rather than just outright using shame. What do you think?
                   

Inflicting pleasure unto                            
unblemished skin to force into
reality,

I'm really struggling with making this more 'show don't tell' without ruining the flow of the piece. So for now I don't have a solution but I'm working on it.

and bathe in the staining
release of, venomous obsessions;      

I think this would work because it still has the same sinister connotations but it also implies that the obsession is actually literally poisoning you over time. Which can be quite true for some more insidious fetishes. I do in any case strongly agree that ungodly is a very lazy word.
                             
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence restrained

Maybe this is better because it really emphasizes a subservient point of view? It also creates a nice alliteration effect with 'rope' in the next line and rhymes with 'pain' in the one after that.

Thoughts?

[Leanne]

Leering eyes is icky -- so perfect!

What about sealed tight beneath instead of in?  Then you get the suggestion of submission also, as if the flesh is imprisoned.  

For the inflicting pleasure dilemma, what about something to do with awakening nerves or suggesting that there's some cognitive dissonance between what is right and what is nice?  I feel there's a lack of conflict on a cerebral level here -- this is an opportunity to build on the shame concept and bulk up the middle of your poem at the same time. 

Yep, like venomous and also restrained.  

This is how a workshop should work.  What a pleasure it is to have you here.

[Powder]

What about sealed tight beneath instead of in?  Then you get the suggestion of submission also, as if the flesh is imprisoned.  

Awesome. That is just right.

For the inflicting pleasure dilemma, what about something to do with awakening nerves or suggesting that there's some cognitive dissonance between what is right and what is nice?  I feel there's a lack of conflict on a cerebral level here -- this is an opportunity to build on the shame concept and bulk up the middle of your poem at the same time. 

Good idea, I'll try and experiment with that tomorrow. It's 11:30 pm now and I actually actually have to go to bed now haha.

This is how a workshop should work.  What a pleasure it is to have you here.

The feeling is mutual, you can't begin to understand how badly I've searched for someone to critique my work. Or maybe you can, considering you might one day have been in my shoes

Anyway, thanks again and you'll probably hear from me tomorrow

[Brownlie]

I don't really see how any poems are safe for work. Also, doesn't the word fetish make it adult by default? Anyways, here we go with some troll shit. -- or with constructive critique.  Let's try to stick to that next time, thanks/ Admin

My first thread, woohoo! So why not immediately start of with a NSFW poem  ><
I've had this one laying around for a while and I'm really happy with it. I think that I should really pick a poem that I can't make any better myself, so that's why I chose this one.
Don't be afraid to really tear into it, I've been pampered for years and it's time for someone to rip the bandage off (only if you truly mean it of course!)
Appreciate ya!




FETISH

Flaccid bones and tense flesh -- What is this? An old dude with arthritis or something?
tightly sealed in stretched
skin; heaving and writhing. -- Is the semicolon the right punctuation here?
Clawing up blood and feverishly
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
sensual shame. -- You know, you can bust a nut with minimal shame. 
                      Inflicting pleasure unto -- unto doesn't belong with sex. Unto my hilt m'lady? 'Tis I the exalted scholar. May the dust of learnedness act as a pure and potent barrenwort tonic. Just my opinion. 
unblemished skin to force into
reality, and bathe in the staining -- Who bathes in their own exultant juices? I don't give a crap, but I let them go down the drain.  
release of, ungodly obsessions; -- What is this? Some olde timey night repenting for some porn? Man, whatever. Plus, the punctuation is weird. Maybe that's  intentional. 
harvested from a fading childhood -- Psychological connection is sort of interesting. Who harvests their own childhood thought?
and wicked whispers of innocence tied down. -- In this context, alliteration is downright creepy. I've done worse. 
by moist leather, exotic rope
and love without mercy;
distilling rapture from pain. -- This says nothing about S and M. Maybe people love eachother and do crazy ass shit. However, this poem is not explaining that. 

-no thought can turn back time
no time can turn back thought-- What is this? An antimetabole (crap term) or something? An antiquated politician? Maybe I'm an American, F' ya, but you should say: Our ills can be scapegoated on the these poor mofos, f' y'all everyone else wears a pants suit, from Express ( damn elitist scum). 

I see no issue with a fetish as long as it's not destructive to other people. If so, well, you're an a-hole like many others. Congrats. On the other hand, this poem is pretty abstract, and doesn't really provide enough details to go beyond I did something and felt ashamed. You're obviously super smart and can provide more insight.

[Powder]

Hey Brownlie,

I gotta say, something about your way of writing reminds me of one of my best mates back in high school  . Anyway, lemme respond to your comment.

I feel like the most interesting part of your critique is that you mostly went into the subject matter of the poem. Let me just state beforehand that I dislike trying to convey an opinion on any matter whatsoever through poetry. So first off, I'm not making any value judgement in this poem. Nor am I trying to adres any particular fetish. I wanted to write a poem that melts all kinds of fetishes together into one big stew of sexual perversion. Submission, domination, exhibitionism, degradation, bimbofication. I suggest some possible ways these fetishes could manifest themselves, such as strong childhood experiences. I also hint at the fact that some fetishes might not be wholly healthy for the mind. Obviously plain ol' BDSM doesn't fall into that category most of the time. Think more along the lines of seeking out self-destructive situations or possibly even rape or torture. By throwing these all into a heap I wanted to create a painting of the ranges of human sexual expression and provide some insight into why someone would indulge in such acts. (personally I think I could maybe make the poem longer and make it go into more detail but I fell in love with its poignancy along the way, that may be misguided).
I also wanted to create a juxtaposition between harmless and harmful fetishes to show that they in some sense, are born from the same type of emotions and lust. I don't say they are, It's just implied to make the reader consider it and maybe even feel wrong a bit for considering that. Just to be clear, I'm not condoning non-consensual sex-acts.

I think it's important to know that I've been reading a lot about murderers and mass-rapists and watching a lot of interviews with them before writing this poem.

-no thought can turn back time

no time can turn back thought-- What is this? An antimetabole (crap term) or something? An antiquated politician? Maybe I'm an American, F' ya, but you should say: Our ills can be scapegoated on the these poor mofos, f' y'all everyone else wears a pants suit, from Express ( damn elitist scum). 

This refers to the fact that someone can never undo what they have done, but in the same vein, they can never unthink something that they thought. So once someone goes down the rabbit hole of a certain sexual perversion and find out that they like it, they can never rid themselves of that knowledge. In a sense this is the climax of the poem and the only thing the poem states as fact. Whatever people are into, they are. That's a fact. How people and society should deal with that is not a part of this poem. Again, no value judgement.

weird, creepy, nasty, sexy, dark, maybe even upsetting, those are all things I'd hope this poem to evoke. The question is, how do you think I could do that better?
I'm curious to your response and I wanna thank you for taking the time to provide feedback.

With kind regards,

Powder

---

Just to let everyone know. I won't be able to update the poem for the next week. I'll be going abroad to England/Wales for a week. I might post another thread to continue this discussion when I come back (if that's allowed). Thanks for the feedback and I'll try to keep monitoring this thread while I'm away if I can but I probably won't respond until Saturday.

Cheers!

[CRNDLSM]

My first thread, woohoo! So why not immediately start of with a NSFW poem  ><
I'm critiquing this after reading your explanations of everything, feel like there's not much I have to offer but maybe a suggestion or two.

Version 1.1

FETISH

Flaccid bones and flesh
sealed tight within stretched skin;
clawing up blood and
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstacy and
leering eyes. I notice a whole lot of back and forth -ing and -ed words.  Like starting and stopping a whole bunch it turns into a sort of pulse which I think enhances the sexual energy.  That in mind, these don't really read like sentences to me and would like this period to just be open space.  Like holding a gasp
                   Inflicting pleasure unto
unblemished skin to force into inflicting pleasure unto unblemished skin is the obvious part of this poem repeated with childhood innocence later, and I think you could start this stanza with 'forcing into reality, and bathing in the stain of' just as effectively
reality, and bathe in the staining
release of, venomous obsessions;
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence restrained
by moist leather, exotic rope
and love without mercy;
distilling rapture from pain.

-no thought can turn back time your comments about this ending (which I appreciate as is no punctuation change) make me think your goal of this poem is to be the trigger that sends readers down the rabbit hole,  they now have thought about something they can't unthink. 
no time can turn back thought-

To keep an objective view and allow readers to form their own judgements about the subject seems difficult with so many possible adjectives and verbs but I think you accomplished it
-----------------------------------------------------


FIRST VERSION

FETISH

Flaccid bones and tense flesh
tightly sealed in stretched
skin; heaving and writhing.
Clawing up blood and feverishly
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
sensual shame.
                      Inflicting pleasure unto
unblemished skin to force into
reality, and bathe in the staining
release of, ungodly obsessions;
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence tied down.
by moist leather, exotic rope
and love without mercy;
distilling rapture from pain.

-no thought can turn back time
no time can turn back thought-

[Powder]

Thanks for taking the effort to critique my poem CRNDLSM!

I notice a whole lot of back and forth -ing and -ed words.  Like starting and stopping a whole bunch it turns into a sort of pulse which I think enhances the sexual energy.  That in mind, these don't really read like sentences to me and would like this period to just be open space.  Like holding a gasp

I didn't even look at it from that angle but that's actually a very interesting idea. That way the first period doesn't come until the last stanza, making me read it in somewhat of a frantic voice. It does however, definitively, ruin the grammatical integrity of the sentences. I know it doesn't read like a sentence but if one really analyses it on a structural level, it still is. The thing that makes it seem like it isn't is that I use a ; as a connector between two main clauses. The logical and creative sides of my brain need to have a little war about this before I pull the trigger on it but it's a good idea.

inflicting pleasure unto unblemished skin is the obvious part of this poem repeated with childhood innocence later, and I think you could start this stanza with 'forcing into reality, and bathing in the stain of' just as effectively

I agree that this part of the poem is problematic and I'm in the process of rewriting it entirely based on the feedback I've received so far, yours included.

To keep an objective view and allow readers to form their own judgements about the subject seems difficult with so many possible adjectives and verbs but I think you accomplished it

Thanks for your response! I'm glad you enjoyed it.