Fake News - Edit 1

[Wjames]

The pictures showed us laughing on the beach,
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other.

I remember the sand
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes
as we walked to the bar
and fought for an hour
over where to eat.

She told me to smile
when the waiter took our picture.

Her favourite part of the trip
was seeing the album
get a hundred likes.

[Todd]

I really like how the picture lies and doesn't tell the complete story. You do a good job taking an idyllic setting and turning it on its side. A few suggestions and comments below.

The pictures showed us laughing on the beach,--This is a good opening line it sets up the all is not as it appears moment. 
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other.--I would be tempted, with some slight adjustments to make it work, to move this to your last line. It might carry more heat after you establish the emotional state of the two partners combatants.

I remember the sand--love the break here turning the observation from good to bad. This break is essentially what the poem is about. 
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes
as we walked to the bar
and fought for an hour--again this line comes alive because of the break 
over where to eat.

She told me to smile--the she told me is a great addition
when the waiter took our picture.--I think if you do choose to move that line ending the poem with their eyes fixed on one another carries the conflict forward. Ending on the picture is a nice symmetry but kind of freezes everything in time like the picture.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[CRNDLSM]

Howdy James, really like this one, I don't get the news part of the title.  Un less the revelation of your memories would be a 'news to me' for your partner.  But then how that news is fake might be news to me upon the revelation of your answer.

The pictures showed us laughing on the beach,
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other. A bunch of pictures probably of more than one excursion.  Olive tanned is like Sicilian yes, Mediterranean beaches are probably beautiful too no matter how you remember them. Matches the martinis too.

I remember the sand
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes not pleasant, you see the pictures but remember not being able to see cause of the damn sun
as we walked to the bar
and fought for an hour did you walk for an hour or fight for an hour which would definitely make the sand on the shoes more uneasiness and lead to more fighting, especially if you're hungry.  
over where to eat.

She told me to smile this is typical of photos and families I think.  Screaming at children 10 hours of the day, but that 1 photo is so cute you mentally block out the bad for the good, I think it's a nice sentiment on her part, even if sheshe so unhappy about the food and fighting, let's look back and remember being happy together.  Unfortunately that's not how it really went.  
when the waiter took our picture.

[nibbed]

Sorry, I didn't think this poem was in intensive and I critiqued in error the first time.
I sincerely apologize.
I liked how the poem seemed to express how things aren't what they seem,
I will try to peck the daylights out of it now that I realize it is in this forum:


The pictures showed us laughing on the beach,                   -----Clear and strong opening            
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other.              -----clever sounding, but how can martini eyes be fixed on anything?
                                                                                                  I see green because of the olives
I remember the sand                                                             ----yes
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes                                     ----good expression of frustration or displeasure
as we walked to the bar                                                         ---- I see sand here again, don't know why, sand bar must have flashed in my head
and fought for an hour                                                                seems almost typical, but an hour is a long time
over where to eat.

She told me to smile                                                                -----expression of melancholy, degradation
when the waiter took our picture.                                                   or ownership

[Powder]

I haven't been on these forums very long yet (I'd say about an hour or two haha) but this is the favorite poem I've read yet. I think it's a really clever way of both using the new term 'fake news' and using it to portray an experience we can probably all relate to. So, now that a feather has been firmly inserted into your buttocks; let's get into it. (I do mean it though haha)

The pictures showed us laughing on the beach, -maybe, portrayed us instead of showed us? Hinting at the revelation of the poem later on? Unless you wanna enhance the twist of this poem of course.
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other. -love the Mediterranean feel you managed to squeeze into this line.

I remember the sand
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes
as we walked to the bar - I think that this line is a bit of a wasted opportunity, 'walked' is a rather bland word and though this line does make sense of the rest of the poem, maybe try and use a word that further enhances the point of the poem. Stumbled? Shuffled? Maybe throw an adjective in there or something? Something to consider.

and fought for an hour - I like the use of parallel alliteration here (we walked/fought for), clever! (AKA IM GONNA STEAL THIS SOMEDAY)
over where to eat.

She told me to smile - I really like that she TOLD you rather than ASK you. This really sets the tone for the type of relationship the couple in the poem has.
when the waiter took our picture. -I like this as well, as it emphasizes even more that the 'scene' was staged. It didn't 'just happen' it was a deliberate effort to construct a certain type of image.

Keep writing

[baifan]

Structurally, I like this very much. There is a straightforward and simple premise, which I feel allows the reader to get on board with the themes right away. Here are some personal thoughts:

The pictures showed us laughing on the beach,
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other. -to be honest, I'm not sure if "martini eyes" resonates with me. I get the associated imagery of the olive and the martini drink, but no particular image pops into my head when I read "martini eyes." What effect is this metaphor supposed to have on me my and understanding of the eyes in this poem?

I remember the sand
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes -interesting opportunity here to match syntactic repetition with structural repetition (i.e. line break after "sun" to match the placement of the "in my eyes" with the "in my shoes")
as we walked to the bar
and fought for an hour
over where to eat. -personally, I like the simple language here. Walked is clear and consistent; anything fancier and it might feel strained

She told me to smile
when the waiter took our picture.

I feel that there's almost a missed opportunity for some great narrative closure here. In the beginning, you say that you are laughing in the pictures. At the end, you say that she tells you to smile in the picture. That is to say, the pictures at the beginning and end are suggested to be different. I feel (and this is a personal opinion) that you could really tighten up the story and the images here if you somehow made them refer to the same picture. This could be as simple as changing "laughing" to "smiling."

Lastly, I agree with what's been said before about the title. "Fake News" obviously carries heavy political and satirical connotations in these post-election days. Your poem seems to fit more as a self-reflective narrative, a kind of "life" poem if I may. I think it would be unfair to mislead a socially-conscious reader into thinking that your poem will offer some kind of direct political/social-commentary.

Overall, nice poem though. It's simple without being dry, and you pack three clearly felt and well-paced thematic punches in relatively few words.

[Wjames]

Thanks guys, I like a lot of your thoughts, and will try to use some of them.

The "Fake News" title was meant to be regarding the fact that these pictures would inevitably posted to social media, presented in a way that makes the whole thing seem perfect. I think this is what has given rise to fake news, everyone is always presenting their life in the best possible light, so it doesn't seem strange when actually important things are similarly altered in the media. I might add something about posting to social media to the poem, but that's tough to write about. Or, I might just change the title to something that works better with what is already there.

[CRNDLSM]

In my Facebook it's called the 'news feed'. Since the rest of the poems kind of about eating too that may help

[Erthona]

W,

I was reading through the critiques and had a thought for the last line to be something like,

"all that's left to do is click and post! Fake News"

Best line "olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other." set and setting in one line. Plus the olive skin of the Mediterranean people and the somewhat drunken eyes from the gin. The gin and olive is also a great picture of the Mediterranean with it's clear waters and olive skinned people.

The one change I'd make is exchange is change "with" with "and". As the "olive tanned" is not really "with" martini eyes.

"as we walked to the bar" Something better than walked is needed here trudged, shuffled, lumbered, plogged, slogged, etc.

Anyway, great poem,

Best,


dale

[Wjames]

Thanks Dale.

I've added a strophe at the end that I hope clarifies the title, but I'm not 100 % sold on it.

[Todd]

This is a preference only but I prefer ending on picture.

Another option might be to adjust the title to something that incorporates the new ending. Let the title do that work.

Just a thought.

It isn't ruined in the new edit. This is just my personal preference. I like the snapshot being the defining opening and close. What happens after doesn't seem to be the poem to me, though it could be alluded to outside the poem (title).

Best,

Todd