Revision 2: The Three Wives of Chuck Taine

[Todd]

Revision 2

I married her after she died 
a widower on my honeymoon—
never something you easily bounce
back from. She told me and
she told me about the android, 
how she had kissed the sun,
and saw herself open:
a blossoming flower,
petals soon blackened to ash.
She had walked together 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end, 
Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again 
adjusting my shape
to fill the hollow between 
breaths. She draws 
close as she pulls away,
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last.

Revision

I married her after she died 
a widower on my honeymoon—
never something you easily bounce
back from. She told me and
she told me of the android, 
and how she had kissed the sun 
and opened like a blossoming flower—
till her petals blackened, burned away. 
She had walked together 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end, 
Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again 
adjusting my shape
to fill the hollow space.
She draws close as she pulls away,
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 


[pre verse]Original

I married her after she died 
a widower on my honeymoon—
never something you easily bounce
back from. She told me and
she told me of the android,
and then how she had kissed 
the sun and opened like a blossoming flower--
till her petals blackened, burned away. 
She had walked together 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end, 
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 

Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again adjusting 
my shape to fill the well 
of our grief and joy.

[Donald Q.]

I married her after she died    Haha, not pulling any punches with this first line, gets the attention. 
becoming a widower on my honeymoon—    I really ike this , but not sure you need 'becoming' , makes the line a tad cumbersome 
never something you easily bounce    wierd phrasing here.
back from. She told me and    Is the 'and' implying that the previous line was also something 'she told' you?  
she told me of the android,  Another twist?
how she had kissed the sun and opened   is she still the same 'she', or now the android? 
like a blossoming flower—till her petals blackened, 
burned away. She had walked together   'She'  'together' ? I see there is some devious multiplicity going on in this poem... 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end,   A nice way of illustrating how far she has gone
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 

Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again adjusting 
my shape to fill the well 
of our grief and joy.  Feels a bit too neat of a last line, perhaps. Although this does serve to contrast with the complexity beforehand. 

Hi Todd, intriguing work here; I doubt I've picked up all this poem is about, but I'm certainly interested and though the density has thrown me at time, it also has an appeal too. I won't ask too many questions yet, but will keep an eye for further developments and hopefully come back again.

[Todd]

Donald, I appreciate the comments. I'm in fact going to use some of them immediately (doubt its worthy of a revision but I will do a little cleanup).

I married her after she died    Haha, not pulling any punches with this first line, gets the attention. 
becoming a widower on my honeymoon—    I really ike this , but not sure you need 'becoming' , makes the line a tad cumbersome --Agreed
never something you easily bounce    wierd phrasing here.--agreed but need to keep it at the moment
back from. She told me and    Is the 'and' implying that the previous line was also something 'she told' you?--The and is part of another twist of sorts.  
she told me of the android,  Another twist?
how she had kissed the sun and opened   is she still the same 'she', or now the android?--I'll fix this. 
like a blossoming flower—till her petals blackened, 
burned away. She had walked together   'She'  'together' ? I see there is some devious multiplicity going on in this poem... 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end,   A nice way of illustrating how far she has gone
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 

Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again adjusting 
my shape to fill the well 
of our grief and joy.  Feels a bit too neat of a last line, perhaps. Although this does serve to contrast with the complexity beforehand. --I'm tempted to collapse this into the other strophe. It may feel less neat if it isn't emphasized. I won't do that now but I'll keep thinking about it.

Hi Todd, intriguing work here; I doubt I've picked up all this poem is about, but I'm certainly interested and though the density has thrown me at time, it also has an appeal too. I won't ask too many questions yet, but will keep an eye for further developments and hopefully come back again.

Thank you!

Best,

Todd

[CRNDLSM]

I couldn't believe it until I learned the story of triplicate girl. It's hilarious to me this works with or without knowing who chuck taine is.  Of course later she becomes all three again, but between DC and marvel, marvel had the best backstories, you should go work for DC and maybe help with that

I married her after she died 
a widower on my honeymoon—
never something you easily bounce ha!
back from. She told me and
she told me of the android, the one that killed her
and then how she had kissed 
the sun and opened like a blossoming flower--
till her petals blackened, burned away. 
She had walked together 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end, 
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 

Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again adjusting she remembers the trauma and relives it, but now they're married he does too?
my shape to fill the well because he inflates I love it
of our grief and joy.

[Todd]

I couldn't believe it until I learned the story of triplicate girl. It's hilarious to me this works with or without knowing who chuck taine is.  Of course later she becomes all three again, but between DC and marvel, marvel had the best backstories, you should go work for DC and maybe help with that

I married her after she died 
a widower on my honeymoon—
never something you easily bounce ha!
back from. She told me and
she told me of the android, the one that killed her
and then how she had kissed 
the sun and opened like a blossoming flower--
till her petals blackened, burned away. 
She had walked together 
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end, 
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 

Now she lies on each side of me, 
and I bury her again adjusting she remembers the trauma and relives it, but now they're married he does too?
my shape to fill the well because he inflates I love it
of our grief and joy.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and that you know the source material. This came from a prompt that Leanne suggested last year in NaPM (write a poem inspired by rubber or things that bounce--something like that). That's why prompts like that are so cool you never know what you might come up with. I know I need to still pull some things together here but Chuck deserves to have something written about him--so I'll keep at it.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Hi Todd. After reading Crundle's review, there's obviously a lot that I don't know here in terms of backstory. But, it's still beautiful to read. So, I can't comment much on the substance, but I have a couple of general comments.

I married her after she died -- great opening line
a widower on my honeymoon—
never something you easily bounce
back from. She told me and
she told me of the android,
and then how she had kissed -- kissed the sun is beautiful, and I'd almost like to see the line break on sun to keep that phrase together
the sun and opened like a blossoming flower-- -- need a full em dash here
till her petals blackened, burned away. 
She had walked together -- I don't understand who she walked with, since you say 'together'
then on a field of stars looking over 
her shoulder to where all things end, 
each footfall echoing 
more distant than the last. 

Now she lies on each side of me, -- like this
and I bury her again adjusting -- not loving the line break on adjusting -- in light of your opening lines, I think again is strong enough. Just my opinion, this really is minute
my shape to fill the well 
of our grief and joy. -- I think you should show grief/joy, because it falls flat for me here at the end. Maybe just add one more line or two with something concrete.

I wish I read more comics so I could help more, but thought I'd offer what I can.

Lizzie

[Todd]

Lizzie, some good points (whether you read obscure comic characters or not) some of which I'll adopt. Let me think about the ending some. Those two breaks (sun and adjusting) you suggest I'll probably adopt immediately.

Thanks,

Todd

[Todd]

While it sort of changes the ending, I did an adjustment to address the points Lizzie had made about the ending. Hopefully it's improved.

Thank you all,

Todd