Dear, save your words until the day.
Let us let go of the war
that cleaves us from our memories;
just hold me, as before.
The truth and its prerogative
to hear its perfect sound
may yet be stayed; and if, in this
delay, reprieve is found,
other wayward hearts await
for truth to tear asunder.
Words, they kill, they desecrate,
they confiscate our wonder;
but when has man been true, or even
once ceased to blunder
from his reckless gait? Hush now,
a bird sings from the bough.
Tonight, his song is our shepherd,
if we can so allow.
It speaks nothing and asks nothing,
so hold me, hold me now.
Don't ask me why, but when I wrote this poem, I was imagining a 19th-century setting in the woods with a cabin. Consequently, the poem has an old-fashioned flavor, but I'm satisfied with that.
(02-20-2017, 10:44 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote: Bird on a Bough
Dear, save your words until the day. What day? I assume you mean that it's nighttime, but feels a bit odd to me.
Now, let only the door
speak its uneven memories; Obviously the idea of watching-walls is well known, but doors not so much, so it doesn't really evoke the same ideas. And why are they uneven? Perhaps with the idea of two people staying in at night you could try something about keeping the door closed, metaphorically works better, I think.
just hold me, as before.
The truth and its prerogative
to hear its perfect sound
may yet be stayed; and if, in this
delay, reprieve is found, To me stanza too soon heads into the hills, free from concrete imagery. Stanza 1 intros two people in bed and so forth, but then this stanza seems barely connected, carried only by the meter. I assume the speaker is requesting, still, for the other person to stay so they can avoid reality, but it's not the best wording.
other wayward hearts await
for truth to tear asunder. If this is the poem's volta it needs more direction.
Words, they kill, they desecrate, Do they? Examples please.
they confiscate our wonder;
but when has man been true, or even
once desist to blunder from, not 'to', surely. Even so, the phrase seems a little awkward.
from his reckless gait? Hush now,
a bird sings from the bough. Where is the bough? Give us some context please.
Tonight, his song will be our shepherd,
if we can so allow. This line is pointless fluff which only serves the structure.
It speaks nothing and asks nothing,
so hold me, hold me now. So in conclusion, this poem is 'forget about everything else, be quiet and don't think; we're gonna bang' ? That is the sort of message that you would often find in the fashion of poetry that you are aping, so fair enough.
Overall I think you need to put your meter to one side whilst your redraft; it is leading you down a slightly muddy path in places.
Thank you, Donald. The poem is meant to be a man begging forgiveness for being unfaithful. Based on what you said, I've already restored the original first stanza which has an off-rhyme between lines 1 and 4 (the other stanzas rhyme 2 and 4):
Dear, save your words until the morn.
Now, let only the walls
speak their uneven memories;
just hold me, as before.
It's better, I think, to lose the pattern in one stanza than to use words that don't make sense.
(02-20-2017, 10:44 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote: Bird on a Bough
Dear, save your words until the day.
Now, let only the door
speak its uneven memories;
just hold me, as before.
The truth and its prerogative
to hear its perfect sound
may yet be stayed; and if, in this
delay, reprieve is found,
other wayward hearts await
for truth to tear asunder.
Words, they kill, they desecrate,
they confiscate our wonder;
but when has man been true, or even
once desist to blunder
from his reckless gait? Hush now,
a bird sings from the bough.
Tonight, his song will be our shepherd,
if we can so allow.
It speaks nothing and asks nothing,
so hold me, hold me now.
Don't ask me why, but when I wrote this poem, I was imagining a 19th-century setting in the woods with a cabin. Consequently, the poem has an old-fashioned flavor, but I'm satisfied with that.
In the first stanza, it used to say "Now, let only the walls speak their uneven memories", but it didn't rhyme, so I substituted "door". The idea that the walls might be listening to us isn't so unusual, but I wonder if doors have enough symbolic weight to be used in such a way. We enter and leave through doors, so they have at least some symbolism, I think.
I used "desist" (which means to cease) for the meter, but I wonder if it sounds too odd. If I can't use "desist", I'll use "cease".
Thank you.
Hey Caleb,
I certaintly get a feel for the age in which you wanted to set your work. Yet instill, your substitutions for the sake of meter; seem to take away from (and are somewhat of a distraction) figuring out exactly what you are trying to convey here.
I've made some changes to the poem since you looked at it, but nothing that would clarify the meaning. I thought the meaning was pretty clear, but I guess it isn't. (The speaker is begging his wife to be forgiven for being unfaithful.)
