Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2017
Thank you Lizzie for your valuable and honest critique!! It really helps. I have worked on this for awhile now and tried to keep in mind what you brought out. I added more lines and I hope that didn't muck it up more. I am concerned about the clarity like you mentioned. In some ways I feel like I have two or more poems in one because of meanings I'm trying to convey. Maybe I need to split it up. Also not sure if the rhyming works because its so irregular.
I hated to use cage becuase it felt cliche but couldn't work it out otherwise.
Anyway, all feedback is welcome! I'm not squeamish about negative critique, any and all honesty is much appreciated.
Revision 1
Crystal columns stand reliably stationed
as their sharply-cut facets glimmer in hasten,
scattering recollects into mind, of whats been,
and should be.
This cage - gives illusion of space and light,
but exacts entrapment of days.
Which shade will shine in,
only to glint back out?
Pressed face against
light-infused, glossy and glinting rails,
permeable eyes peering through;
her entranced form pulls away.
Raise of brow, knowingly,
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers their thought, concretely:
“You see my asking eyes.“
Those azure spheres used to contain and restrain,
used to hide some that abides.
This time as two trailing Beryl rockets, undocked.
Still, her mortal immured. Glass gridlock.
More still, a beautiful construct.
Even yet, who is the architect?
Regret is so damn delicate.
Free to step forward,
not back?
Transparent bars,
prove most jailing.
Even more revealing.
Solid structures,
prove most trying.
Even more instructing.
Bolt, screw, sprocket and wheel,
a grease marked mechanic
welds her own epochs real.
For someone else.
Wished for machines
do sound supreme,
but toil our being
when no longer a dream.
If she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?
((( OR, instead of the above stanza:
If she can shatter her way out,
rev the engines of pain,
Why not shatter whats come about,
filter the smog from revving in vain?
A better fit with the theme? )))
Her glazed blues fathom its beauty,
though fantasizing ears hear a smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not solely hers to crash.
Original
Crystal columns reliably stationed
facets glimmer recollect
what’s been, what should be.
Illusion of space and light
but entrapment of days.
Which shade will shine in?
Pressed face against glass rails,
permeable eyes peering through;
her entranced form pulls away
raise of brow, knowingly,
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers thought, concretely:
“You see my asking eyes.“
Times past, they contained and restrained,
used to hide some that abides.
This time, as two ships undocked.
Still she’s immured, glass gridlock.
More still, a beautiful construct.
Even yet, who is the architect?
Regret is so damn delicate.
Free to step forward,
not back?
Transparent bars
prove most jailing
even more revealing
if she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?
Simple structures
prove most trying
even more instructing
glazed blues fathom beauty,
though ears imagine its smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not hers to crash.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi Chels. There's impressionistic and then there's inscrutable. This one is falling into the latter category for me. What sucks is that I feel like you have good imagery in there and potentially a good meta-metaphor, but I think you need to offer some more clarity, something at all solid for the reader to latch on to. Ok, I admit you've done that some with the title, more is needed, I think. One thing that's particularly grating is the sporadic use of punctuation that leaves this reader wondering which descriptive phrases to group together. I'll illustrate:
(02-16-2017, 11:03 AM)Chels Wrote: Crystal columns reliably stationed
facets glimmer recollect
what’s been, what should be.
This could be:
Crystal columns reliably stationed --
facets glimmer,
recollect what's been, what should be
or it could be:
Crystal columns -- reliably stationed facets --
glimmer, recollect what's been....
It affects the meaning. There's enough for the reader to "figure out," you want your imagery to be clear at least.
Illusion of space and light
but entrapment of days.
Which shade will shine in?
Pressed face against glass rails,
permeable eyes peering through;
her entranced form pulls away
raise of brow, knowingly,
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers thought, concretely:
“You see my asking eyes.“
Times past, they contained and restrained,
used to hide some that abides.
This time, as two ships undocked.
Still she’s immured, glass gridlock.
More still, a beautiful construct.
Even yet, who is the architect?
Regret is so damn delicate.
Free to step forward,
not back?
Transparent bars
prove most jailing
even more revealing
if she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?
Simple structures
prove most trying
even more instructing
glazed blues fathom beauty,
though ears imagine its smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not hers to crash.
My advice to you is to structure/punctuate differently to make the individual images pop out, and then go from there.
I'll give it another read if/when you edit.
Hope this helps. Thanks for posting, and welcome to the site. 
Lizzie
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Moved to Intensive ar Chels' request.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 102
Threads: 6
Joined: Sep 2016
(02-16-2017, 11:03 AM)Chels Wrote:
Revision 1
Crystal columns stand reliably stationed 'Stand' and 'stationed feel like they are saying the same thing at the moment.
as their sharply-cut facets glimmer in hasten, 'In hasten' doesn't make sense to me.
scattering recollects into mind, of whats what's been, Scattering recollections, perhaps?
and should be.
This cage - gives illusion of space and light, The dash is pointless
but exacts entrapment of days.
Which shade will shine in,
only to glint back out? I can see what you are saying in this stanza, but the wording is confusing.
Pressed face against
light-infused, glossy and glinting rails,
permeable eyes peering through;
her entranced form pulls away.
Raise of brow, knowingly,
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers their thought, concretely: Is this stanza a chinese proverb? A quotation from Yoda? Read it out loud, see how you feel about the phrasing.
“You see my asking eyes.“ I am unsure about this use of quotation marks. The poem is already communicating, this seems like an unneeded device.
Those azure spheres used to contain and restrain,
used to hide some that abides.
This time as two trailing Beryl rockets, undocked. Rockets undocked is interesting, but the previous two lines are a bit heavy-handed in the rhyme.
Still, her mortal immured. Glass gridlock. Glass gridlock is nice
More still, a beautiful construct.
Even yet, who is the architect?
Regret is so damn delicate.
Free to step forward,
not back?
Transparent bars,
prove most jailing. 'Most jailing' seems incorrect
Even more revealing. Both here and in the next stanza the 'even more' phrase feels a bit odd.
Solid structures,
prove most trying.
Even more instructing. ??
Bolt, screw, sprocket and wheel,
a grease marked mechanic
welds her own epochs real. Grammar 'epochs real'???
Wished for machines
do sound supreme, The grammar makes this very confusing.
but toil our being
when no longer a dream. Overdoing the rhyme somewhat, also grammatically a bit stodgy
If she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?
((( OR, instead of the above stanza:
If she can shatter her way out,
rev the engines of pain,
Why not shatter whats come about,
filter the smog from revving in vain?
A better fit with the theme? ))) I can't really comment on which of these stanzas to use because the sense of the poem is still buried for me.
Her glazed blues fathom its beauty,
though fantasizing ears hear a smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not solely hers to crash.
Hello Chels. I love the idea of a fragile time machine, but your execution is sloppy. It's difficult to crit the content at the moment because the grammar and structure of the poem are a bit free-wheeling. Also you switch tense at random, further adding to the disconnect. Clearly you have plenty of ideas here, which is great, but I think you need to tidy things up and give some clarity to the poem. Although it might sound daft, reading your poem aloud may help in further drafts. Go back and work on the clarity of your images and themes, rather than the rhymes and repetition which are hampering it at the moment. Also be more rigorous with your grammar, I look forward to reading a redraft, cheers!
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2017
Thank you for reading Donald Q! Excellent points you've made. I definitely see I've been inconsistent in more than one area. I am going to try and build this one from the foundation back up.
I was trying to convey that sometimes a person has a single opportunity, but can end up imprisoning themselves. The stanza about her own epochs are things in life she has tediously brought to fruition.
And the stanza about wished for machines, some temptations appear glorious but in reality are taxing. Because of that shes traveling through life as a changed person she never thought possible before, never to go back (one way time machine). You were right to use the term free-wheeling! There is too much going on with it. I also struggle with when to rhyme, I do need to resist that temptation more. Thank you for your insights!! I will be working on a revision. 
(02-19-2017, 03:35 AM)Donald Q. Wrote: (02-16-2017, 11:03 AM)Chels Wrote:
Revision 1
Crystal columns stand reliably stationed 'Stand' and 'stationed feel like they are saying the same thing at the moment.
as their sharply-cut facets glimmer in hasten, 'In hasten' doesn't make sense to me.
scattering recollects into mind, of whats what's been, Scattering recollections, perhaps?
and should be.
This cage - gives illusion of space and light, The dash is pointless
but exacts entrapment of days.
Which shade will shine in,
only to glint back out? I can see what you are saying in this stanza, but the wording is confusing.
Pressed face against
light-infused, glossy and glinting rails,
permeable eyes peering through;
her entranced form pulls away.
Raise of brow, knowingly,
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers their thought, concretely: Is this stanza a chinese proverb? A quotation from Yoda? Read it out loud, see how you feel about the phrasing.
“You see my asking eyes.“ I am unsure about this use of quotation marks. The poem is already communicating, this seems like an unneeded device.
Those azure spheres used to contain and restrain,
used to hide some that abides.
This time as two trailing Beryl rockets, undocked. Rockets undocked is interesting, but the previous two lines are a bit heavy-handed in the rhyme.
Still, her mortal immured. Glass gridlock. Glass gridlock is nice
More still, a beautiful construct.
Even yet, who is the architect?
Regret is so damn delicate.
Free to step forward,
not back?
Transparent bars,
prove most jailing. 'Most jailing' seems incorrect
Even more revealing. Both here and in the next stanza the 'even more' phrase feels a bit odd.
Solid structures,
prove most trying.
Even more instructing. ??
Bolt, screw, sprocket and wheel,
a grease marked mechanic
welds her own epochs real. Grammar 'epochs real'???
Wished for machines
do sound supreme, The grammar makes this very confusing.
but toil our being
when no longer a dream. Overdoing the rhyme somewhat, also grammatically a bit stodgy
If she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?
((( OR, instead of the above stanza:
If she can shatter her way out,
rev the engines of pain,
Why not shatter whats come about,
filter the smog from revving in vain?
A better fit with the theme? ))) I can't really comment on which of these stanzas to use because the sense of the poem is still buried for me.
Her glazed blues fathom its beauty,
though fantasizing ears hear a smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not solely hers to crash.
Hello Chels. I love the idea of a fragile time machine, but your execution is sloppy. It's difficult to crit the content at the moment because the grammar and structure of the poem are a bit free-wheeling. Also you switch tense at random, further adding to the disconnect. Clearly you have plenty of ideas here, which is great, but I think you need to tidy things up and give some clarity to the poem. Although it might sound daft, reading your poem aloud may help in further drafts. Go back and work on the clarity of your images and themes, rather than the rhymes and repetition which are hampering it at the moment. Also be more rigorous with your grammar, I look forward to reading a redraft, cheers!
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, Chels. I'll be as honest as I can. My thoughts of this poem weren't involving a typical time machine. The facets of the poem forced my imagination to travel places for which it was not intended. Each read through caused a different illustration, reaction, morphing and changing to a clearer picture. Not perfect, either. The best way I can describe it? I somehow felt like that sparrow I saw once on River St. who survived a ride through a radiator fan and was flung out onto the hot pavement. I still wonder how he is, did he recover? Was he able to preen those ruffled feathers? Would his eyeballs ever be uncrossed? So, as tribute to the sparrow, I must critique:
Revision 1
Crystal columns stand reliably stationed
as their sharply-cut facets glimmer in hasten, I understand why you chose *hasten. Its impression is more secure, "waiting"
scattering recollects into mind, of whats been, might indicate the possibility of displeasure. Perhaps *scattering needs an
and should be. adjective to assure the reader that it is unwanted.
This cage - gives illusion of space and light,
but exacts entrapment of days. At first I thought this was an implication the narrator was imprisoned
Which shade will shine in,
only to glint back out?
Pressed face against
light-infused, glossy and glinting rails,
permeable eyes peering through; *permeable, good description
her entranced form pulls away. why is she "entranced", wouldn't "dazed" or..."jinxed" be more suitable, anything
Raise of brow, knowingly, but Disney, please.
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers their thought, concretely:
“You see my asking eyes.“ troubling. mysterious. questioning.
Those azure spheres used to contain and restrain,
used to hide some that abides.
This time as two trailing Beryl rockets, undocked. Okay, love the use of Beryl. Why is it neglected so in poetry? Undocked, cute.
Still, her mortal immured. Glass gridlock.
More still, a beautiful construct.
Even yet, who is the architect? Sad to question it. Architect deserves capitalization.
Regret is so damn delicate. why not *damn = damned, lest it be that deliberate imperfection?
Free to step forward,
not back?
Transparent bars,
prove most jailing.
Even more revealing. reflection here, I like that.
Solid structures,
prove most trying.
Even more instructing. *Instructing. Somehow I read the word "insulting" here.
Bolt, screw, sprocket and wheel,
a grease marked mechanic
welds her own epochs real.
For someone else. I suggest capitalization on this pronoun.
Wished for machines Detesting the word machines used anywhere in this piece.
do sound supreme,
but toil our being
when no longer a dream.
If she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about, pierce the pitch/pound the timbre
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?
((( OR, instead of the above stanza:
If she can shatter her way out,
Rev the engines of pain Might I suggest: change *If to *When
Why not shatter whats come about, I like better: her engines of pain
filter the smog from revving in vain? I detect the word refrain in this stanza
A better fit with the theme? )))
Her glazed blues fathom its beauty, I would make her eyes grey now, the rocket's fizzled out.
though fantasizing ears hear a smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket; *golden, meh. cliche. "she had alchemy's ticket" fits much better here.
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not solely hers to crash. Can the word *machine PLEASE be replaced?
>  < Best wishes. Thank you for the privilege of critique.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi Chels, I'll give you some comments in the lines below hopefully they will be helpful to you as you develop this. I haven't read the original or the other critiques.
Love the title absolutely drew me in.
(02-16-2017, 11:03 AM)Chels Wrote: Revision 1
Crystal columns stand reliably stationed --if Crystal is in your title it doesn't need to be in your first line. Also, as first lines go this is incredibly static for so cool a title. There needs to be something to draw us in quickly. It is a mistake I think to start here. Possibly you could either draw out the ideas you begin to touch on in the whats been/should be or you could at least use a short opening like S2 L1 below. I would probably consider started with what's at risk. Which means focusing on what matters most and starting there.
as their sharply-cut facets glimmer in hasten, --Sharply-cut facets also makes crystal above unnecessary. in hasten feels incorrect here like your missing a transition to have it make sense.
scattering recollects into mind, of whats been,
and should be. --This feels like it should be more important and may be rendered too much like a sort of shorthand. May need to be developed more
This cage - gives illusion of space and light,--so the cage set off by an emdash is meant to be perceived as a prison?
but exacts entrapment of days.--seems like you need an article between exacts and entrapment
Which shade will shine in,
only to glint back out?--interesting string theory idea collapsing quantum possibility
Pressed face against--syntax feels a little off here "face pressed" may sound more natural
light-infused, glossy and glinting rails,--a lot of modifiers to get to rails. I'm divided on how effective that is.
permeable eyes peering through;--like the creepy feel of this line.
her entranced form pulls away.--entranced is a bit telly. If we could see it happening instead it may be stronger just a thought.
Raise of brow, knowingly,
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers their thought, concretely:--The passive voice and syntax reads oddly here. I don't see what any of this really adds to the content. The their is a bit unclear too though the ambiguity doesn't really bother me.
“You see my asking eyes.“ --am I to read the quotes like this is a line of dialogue?
Those azure spheres used to contain and restrain,
used to hide some that abides.--these two lines feel a bit unnecessarily cryptic and circular but that doesn't mean that they are necessarily off--some probably could be cut and which could be added after that.
This time as two trailing Beryl rockets, undocked.
Still, her mortal immured. Glass gridlock.--Glass gridlock is nice phrasing.
More still, a beautiful construct. --beautiful is a bit of a vague throwaway word.
Even yet, who is the architect?
Regret is so damn delicate.--I like this line. Its an interesting observation especially given as a motivator for time travel--when you can do something about it.
Free to step forward,
not back?--Nice follow up lines. Best part of the poem for me so far. These are the kind of lines I'm talking about for the opening. Punchy observation then unfold content in both directions. Again just a thought.
Transparent bars,
prove most jailing.
Even more revealing.--This all may work better without the gerunds
Solid structures,
prove most trying.
Even more instructing.--feels like your trying to deal with the difficulties of maybe modifying more fixed events. I'm not sure though what even more instructing really adds. This all implies revelation without actually revealing. It may be largely unnessesary
Bolt, screw, sprocket and wheel,
a grease marked mechanic
welds her own epochs real.--real would be a good cut here. I like the shift to some concrete imagery.
For someone else.
Wished for machines
do sound supreme,
but toil our being
when no longer a dream. --a bit confusing. Syntax seems odd.
If she can shatter a way out,
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?--sorrowful seems like one too many modifiers. The rhyme feels a bit obvious but I do like this section and I especially like the dried rain portion.
((( OR, instead of the above stanza:
If she can shatter her way out,
rev the engines of pain,
Why not shatter whats come about,
filter the smog from revving in vain?--I don't like this as much
A better fit with the theme? )))
Her glazed blues fathom its beauty,--Why are her eyes important here?
though fantasizing ears hear a smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not solely hers to crash.
Again, I hope some of the comments give you some ideas or direction to try.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
|
