Untied

[Winterloc]

I really appreciate the honest feedback. I gave a revision a go and I like it better. Some of the punctuation is still a little experimental, so... 


Revision 1:
I've tried opposing, tried trekking past the frigid barrier
to safe encapsulated autonomy.
Attachment saturates every string strung through my body;
suspended I stay, crosswise of energy
chaos  
creation and then - 
spontaneous order: sobriety.

There are these things that sink a hook in my sensing soul.
They pull me into their world of
"energy meet particulate" : effect. 
They engage, use up my excess, 
knit me complete into one clean quadratic cloth;
woven strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But this - it holds with greater audacity.
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
it lends fields of escape: cessation for the servile soul. 

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing cinched to my pliable core.
In that moment, strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.

---

TThanks in advance for reading.


I've tried opposing, tried walking the distance,
To cross the cold barrier of safe encapsulated unattachment.
Attachment permeates every string strung through my body,
I stay. Crosswire of chaos, creation: order. Sobriety.

You see there are these things that sink a hook in my soul.
They pull me into their world of particulate: energy. Effect. 
These things engage, use me up, knit me complete into a clean quadratic cloth;
Woven from strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But it - it does not take hold the same way yet wont let go with greater audacity.
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
Its grip lends fields of escape: cessation for the subservient soul. 

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing tied to my core.
In that moment, the strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.

[dukealien]

I've tried opposing, tried walking the distance, no comma needed at end of this line?
To cross the cold barrier of safe encapsulated unattachment. meatier word than "cold" - "freezing" or "frigid?"
Attachment permeates every string strung through my body, "each" for "every" might read better
I stay. Crosswire of chaos, creation: order. Sobriety. keep wanting to read "Crosswise" for "Crosswire"

You see there are these things that sink a hook in my soul. "You" used only here... remove "You see," might also try "into" rather than "in" or "leave" instead of "sink" to avoid repeated "into" with next line
They pull me into their world of particulate: energy. Effect.  move colon to before "[e]ffect?"
These things engage, use me up, knit me complete into a clean quadratic cloth; no semicolon needed here?
Woven from strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But it - it wont let go with greater audacity.  "[T]his" for the first "it" to avoid repetition?  Also, "won't" rather than "wont" (unless you're alluding to wont as in a personal, habitual practice or desire)
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
It lends fields of escape: cessation for the subservient soul.  "[S]ervile" for "subservient?"  Just a thought.

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing tied to my core.  "hooked" or "fastened?"
In that moment, the strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.  would read better without "the," IMHO

---

Intriguing and mystical.  In a spirit of mild to moderate critique, please don't regard all the above suggestions as more than that.   I confess to finding the poem a little opaque in detail, but fully appreciate the spirit.  At a more prosaic level, the feeling at the end of a stale relationship when you can't help humming "The Entertainer" at least silently as you walk lightly away.

In general, you don't abuse "the" but could still do with fewer of them.  For example, on the first line "walking the distance" is a cliche for which more engaging substitutes could come to mind if you deny yourself that "the."  Something involving "trekking" or "fleeing," perhaps?  "Marathoning?"

Your use of otherwise technical terms ("quadratic") is striking.  Would be interested in seeing other examples of your work, perhaps including some written in third person or no-person (without reference to, or only with implied point of view).

Thanks for posting!

P.S. Starting each line with a capital letter regardless of sentence structure is regarded by many on this site as archaic, i.e. they don't like it.  I see nothing wrong with the practice, being rather traditional, but mostly conform.  You may wish to see how your poem(s) look with capitalization restricted to start of sentences rather than at the beginning of each line.

[Winterloc]

Wow, great suggestions! I see how omitting repetitive words would be good, and I like your word choices. Good to know about the capitalization. I will have to try third/no person. Thank you for your time and input!! Looking forward to posting/reading more. 

 

I've tried opposing, tried walking the distance, no comma needed at end of this line?
To cross the cold barrier of safe encapsulated unattachment. meatier word than "cold" - "freezing" or "frigid?"
Attachment permeates every string strung through my body, "each" for "every" might read better
I stay. Crosswire of chaos, creation: order. Sobriety. keep wanting to read "Crosswise" for "Crosswire"

You see there are these things that sink a hook in my soul. "You" used only here... remove "You see," might also try "into" rather than "in" or "leave" instead of "sink" to avoid repeated "into" with next line
They pull me into their world of particulate: energy. Effect.  move colon to before "[e]ffect?"
These things engage, use me up, knit me complete into a clean quadratic cloth; no semicolon needed here?
Woven from strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But it - it wont let go with greater audacity.  "[T]his" for the first "it" to avoid repetition?  Also, "won't" rather than "wont" (unless you're alluding to wont as in a personal, habitual practice or desire)
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
It lends fields of escape: cessation for the subservient soul.  "[S]ervile" for "subservient?"  Just a thought.

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing tied to my core.  "hooked" or "fastened?"
In that moment, the strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.  would read better without "the," IMHO

---

Intriguing and mystical.  In a spirit of mild to moderate critique, please don't regard all the above suggestions as more than that.   I confess to finding the poem a little opaque in detail, but fully appreciate the spirit.  At a more prosaic level, the feeling at the end of a stale relationship when you can't help humming "The Entertainer" at least silently as you walk lightly away.

In general, you don't abuse "the" but could still do with fewer of them.  For example, on the first line "walking the distance" is a cliche for which more engaging substitutes could come to mind if you deny yourself that "the."  Something involving "trekking" or "fleeing," perhaps?  "Marathoning?"

Your use of otherwise technical terms ("quadratic") is striking.  Would be interested in seeing other examples of your work, perhaps including some written in third person or no-person (without reference to, or only with implied point of view).

Thanks for posting!

P.S. Starting each line with a capital letter regardless of sentence structure is regarded by many on this site as archaic, i.e. they don't like it.  I see nothing wrong with the practice, being rather traditional, but mostly conform.  You may wish to see how your poem(s) look with capitalization restricted to start of sentences rather than at the beginning of each line.

[ponykeeper]

Thanks in advance for reading.

Hi Chels

I must admit I had to read this over several dozen times since you posted and find it very intriguing. 


I've tried opposing (it), tried walking the distance,
To cross the cold barrier of safe encapsulated unattachment.  unattachment seems like an awkward word here, how about autonomy?
Attachment permeates every string strung through my body,  not sure about permeate and string-- penetrate or saturate maybe?
I stay. Crosswire of chaos, creation: order. Sobriety.   Not sure what a crosswire is and the punctuation is somewhat confusing to me. Is this saying that the intersection of chaos and and creation is order?  And does that lead to sobriety, or is sobriety another term for order? I'm just saying it's hard to figure this out. Then again, it could be just me.

You see there are these things that sink a hook in my soul.  
They pull me into their world of particulate: energy. Effect.  Effect, Engage, knit me...  These sound like directives to the reader and                                                                                                           again the punctuation is confusing to me.  You may just need commas...
Engage, knit me complete into a clean quadratic cloth;  ----- You want to become square
Woven from strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind. ---  you want peace

But it - it won(')t let go with greater audacity.   it might sound less convoluted to say "it holds on with greater audacity"
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
It lends fields of escape: cessation for the subservient soul. 

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing tied to my core.
In that moment, the strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.


 I am possibly way off base but I have the idea that the poem is expressing that N is caught between the goal of sobriety, and the "it': addiction, which is escape, or at least a sense of escape.
Hopefully I haven't mangled it, I am quite rusty at this. Thanks for a very interesting read Chels.
Cheers, Chris

---

TThanks in advance for reading.


I've tried opposing, tried walking the distance,
To cross the cold barrier of safe encapsulated unattachment.
Attachment permeates every string strung through my body,
I stay. Crosswire of chaos, creation: order. Sobriety.

You see there are these things that sink a hook in my soul.
They pull me into their world of particulate: energy. Effect. 
These things engage, use me up, knit me complete into a clean quadratic cloth;
Woven from strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But it - it does not take hold the same way yet wont let go with greater audacity.
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
Its grip lends fields of escape: cessation for the subservient soul. 

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing tied to my core.
In that moment, the strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.

[Winterloc]

I really appreciate the honest feedback. I gave a revision a go and I like it better. Some of the punctuation is still a little experimental, so... 

Revision 1:
I've tried opposing, tried trekking past the frigid barrier
to safe encapsulated autonomy.
Attachment saturates each string strung through my body;
suspended I stay, crosswise of energy
chaos  
creation and then - 
spontaneous order: sobriety.

There are these things that sink a hook in my sensing soul.
They pull me into their world of
"energy meet particulate" : effect. 
They engage, use up my excess, 
knit me complete into one clean quadratic cloth;
woven strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But this - it holds with greater audacity.
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
it lends fields of escape: cessation for the servile  soul. 

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing cinched to my pliable core.
In that moment, strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.

---

TThanks in advance for reading.


I've tried opposing, tried walking the distance,
To cross the cold barrier of safe encapsulated unattachment.
Attachment permeates every string strung through my body,
I stay. Crosswire of chaos, creation: order. Sobriety.

You see there are these things that sink a hook in my soul.
They pull me into their world of particulate: energy. Effect. 
These things engage, use me up, knit me complete into a clean quadratic cloth;
Woven from strands of pure placidity: alignment of the mind.

But it - it does not take hold the same way yet wont let go with greater audacity.
I've tried running. 
Where others lure me in and use me up,
Its grip lends fields of escape: cessation for the subservient soul. 

In that moment, no strings tugging: nothing tied to my core.
In that moment, the strings come loose: safe. Untouchable.

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