First Date (revised)

[Caleb Murdock]

[I have posted a revised version on page 2.]


They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.
The police believed him, but still —
I wouldn't want to be that bloke.

My main question about this poem is whether the end is clever, or just comes across as an inappropriate punchline, thereby devaluing the poem.  In the forum where I'm posting now, they don't have much of a sense of humor.  The poem is based on an actual event.

[Lizzie]

Hi Caleb. I don't know if I'd call it 'inappropriate'. It doesn't seem crass.

The story makes me feel sadness. The end line seems like a statement of empathy.

[Caleb Murdock]

That's helpful, thank you. The problem is that there isn't any moral from this story that I can end the poem with. She just made a mistake in thinking that the railing was stronger than it was. It was a senseless death.

Here's the whole story from my blog: http://sethnotes.blogspot.com/2013/08/th...osoff.html

[Achebe]

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And babbled about her ex, a bloke
who'd take her on the edge, make her scream,
thrusting on bourbon and coke.
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone
as he thought of an inappropriate joke.


I think that in the original, the punchline is a little random. It's not macabre, it's not funny. It's just lame. You need to make it more ridiculous for it to work.

[Caleb Murdock]

Posting a bawdy parody of my poem wasn't helpful.

[Achebe]

Posting a baudy parody of my poem wasn't helpful.

Eh? My point was that your punchline was lame. I posted an instance of where it might not be so lame, at least in my view.
If I had wanted to parody it, I'd have taken more liberties with it.

I'm assuming you read what I wrote underneath the "bawdy parody"?

[Caleb Murdock]

Sorry for the misspelling.

[CRNDLSM]

I think it would have a stronger punch if the rhymes And rhythms were more consistent every other line has an 8 syllable bounce that sounds playful, followed by an awkward rushed line. Bloke rhymes with broke and smoke almost every three lines, with the exception of safe, not a problem, but I'd like a little more rhyme. It's the mulberry bush, tragic tale sung to children. It reminds me of the Darwin awards, and the shatterproof windows...

[Caleb Murdock]

Thank you, CRNDLSM.  I've tried very hard to insert more rhymes, but there are only so many that I can contrive.  "Gone" is actually rhymed with "strong", but "strong" doesn't end a line.  Line-ending rhymes are very hard for me to accomplish.

I have come up with all these alternative endings (each ending would replace the two lines after "gone").  I had to use words that end with either "gone" or "broke".  Do any of them work?

Beginning of poem:

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.

Possible endings:

One wonders what she had to learn
from just the mistake of being wrong.

Senseless death is a tragedy,
but the one who suffered was the bloke.

Everyone’s sympathy goes to her,
but the one who suffered was the bloke.

Really, there's nothing more to say;
she thought she was right, but she was wrong.

Sad, but it just goes to show you:
It's better to be right than wrong.

God is not always gentle when telling us we're wrong.

[tectak]

Thank you, CRNDLSM.  I've tried very hard to insert more rhymes, but there are only so many that I can contrive.  "Gone" is actually rhymed with "strong", but "strong" doesn't end a line.  Line-ending rhymes are very hard for me to accomplish.

I have come up with all these alternative endings (each ending would replace the two lines after "gone").  I had to use words that end with either "gone" or "broke".  Do any of them work?

Beginning of poem:

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.

Possible endings:

One wonders what she had to learn
from just the mistake of being wrong.

Senseless death is a tragedy,
but the one who suffered was the bloke.

Everyone’s sympathy goes to her,
but the one who suffered was the bloke.

Really, there's nothing more to say;
she thought she was right, but she was wrong.

Sad, but it just goes to show you:
It's better to be right than wrong.

God is not always gentle when telling us we're wrong.

Hi caleb...
A thought for you. If you cannot rhyme B with A....then change A....

[Caleb Murdock]

Oh yes, I'm looking into using other words. The line that reads "and in an instant she was gone" used to say "and she plunged backwards to her fate", so I have "fate" to work with. "Fate" can be replaced with "end", so I have "end" to work with. I think the first ten lines are well written, so I'm not going to give up on this poem. However, I can't think of a profound moral to draw from this event, and that's making it hard to finish it. I continue to like my original ending, but no one else does!

A philosophical ending like what Frost put on The Impulse is what I need.

[Caleb Murdock]

New version to give the poem a serious ending:


First Date
In memory of Jennifer Rosoff

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of romance was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.
So it goes, life ends in a stroke.
Tell this tale to your children at five,
and they will be careful all their lives.

I changed "coupling" to "romance" to make the tale appropriate for children.  Perhaps I should also substitute other activities for drinking and smoking.  I personally think the new ending sounds a little old-fashioned, but maybe you'll like it.

Original version:

First Date

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.
The police believed him, but still —
I wouldn't want to be that bloke.