Cannabis

[Myotis]

Okay , Hello all! This is my first post. I had written this poem a month or so ago. I tried to do a ABBA rhyming form. I would like to improve this poem with the help from your feedback. Please dont be shy, were all here for peer praise or criticism. Help with edits or word changes or even just to say you enjoyed it. Thanks.

Cannabis

Twas never a more noble plant
A strain to match the brain
Natural chemicals it will supplant

Foundation of neurology
This sacred bliss of cannabis
Essential to our biology

System of endo cannabinoids
From loam to trichome
A substance to fill the voids

Natures most magnificent
A flight of mental height
Always a willing participant

A structure to define beauty
Most sweet of smoke it is to toke
From musk to skunk to fruity

If in nature we were to find
A tree such as thee
The most precious thing to the human mind

We would consume this sticky weed
To smoke or eat a tasty treat
Unlocking our minds to be freed

From conventional thinking
From who to be and what to see
Saved from a ship that's sinking

To soar above and rise against
To fight for your right
No longer to be fenced

Like an animal against its will
The soul creates an open hole
Thoughts have time to distill



    Not a great ending but ill work on finishing it when I get some more creativity flowing or suggestions are always appreciated. Thanks and I hope you enjoy.

[rowens]

You can dance, you can jive / having the time of your life. . . . That may help you as an example of that rhyming form you mentioned. The poem seems kind of technical to me. The kind of thing where something's gone too far and its initial spark has long since burned out. But you might be going for that geek-chic cannabis buzz. Like if that guy from the Big Bang Theory was forced to write a poem while under the influence. Or maybe a Coleridge poem written in a dialect and modern understanding alien from Coleridge. The lines seem nothing but conventional. If only you were carried away by a fresher insight, you could start getting around to your rhyme and meter. Rhyme and meter mean little without fresh sounding poetry.

[Myotis]

You can dance, you can jive / having the time of your life. . . . That may help you as an example of that rhyming form you mentioned. The poem seems kind of technical to me. The kind of thing where something's gone too far and its initial spark has long since burned out. But you might be going for that geek-chic cannabis buzz. Like if that guy from the Big Bang Theory was forced to write a poem while under the influence. Or maybe a Coleridge poem written in a dialect and modern understanding alien from Coleridge. The lines seem nothing but conventional. If only you were carried away by a fresher insight, you could start getting around to your rhyme and meter. Rhyme and meter mean little without fresh sounding poetry.

Thank you for your response I greatly appreciate it. I take it all as a compliment, because you've hit the nail dead center with the hammer. People have often described me as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, and I was most likely under the influence. To this I say, Do you know me? Do You? Just kidding. Not sure I get the alien Coleridge reference but thank you nonetheless. And as to fresher insight , yes I have more poems I just didn't want to post my good stuff first and look like i was making backwards progression.

[Keith]

Hi Myotis
I think you have some interesting phrases here that offer the reader a spark of something fresh but its seems to fizzle out without actually giving the reader much to hold onto, I don't think the rhyming scheme is helping as it keeps you locked in to the central theme, ie its a plant that can alter our state of mind. S8 L1 was a bit bumpy for me and twas and thee seem oddly out of place for such a topic and the repeat on tree so close could do with a look. You have an obvious talent to keep this rhyming scheme together however I fear on this poem its holding it back. Best Keith

[ponykeeper]

Hi Myotis

I think this has potential, but I think the fact that you are trying to rhyme without a discernibly consistent rhythm is hurting the outcome. I actually like the last line, but think you need to boil the contents down a bit to get to the real essence here.

If in nature we were to find
A tree such as thee
The most precious thing to the human mind

We would consume this sticky tree
To smoke or eat a tasty treat
Unlocking our minds to be free

Although not a tree, cannabis grows wild in many areas of the world so the above lines seem somewhat superfluous.

Good luck with this, thanks for the opportunity to read and comment.