01-19-2017, 10:51 AM
Will be very thankful to anybody who can give me some pointers on the below...
It's a song, so poetically, without the various layers of music, some of this is repetitive and won't be too appealing on paper- as written for the sound not the words.
However, what I would be greatly appreciative of is any feedback on the "verses"- the grouped 8 lines after each number below (1-5), I've bolded them. As these I want to be as poetically strong as possible, as the tune of these isn't meant to be as effective as the word choice.
I'm also keen to hear what anybody thinks of the 4th verse, as I think it's shit and am near enough ready to cut it totally and make the song shorter!
I hope it's contextually clear too, again feedback on this is great as it needs to be clear when finished.
Thanks.
Intro
Guitar riff
1
Vodka drunk I leave the door,
My friends dispersed, yet I stay more,
Fresh air, a walk, alert I stagger,
(An) inebriated infant’s playground swagger.
These roads, the trendy Soho streets
Where promises die and phantoms meet,
Expensive bars and “Girls, Girls, Girls”,
My eyes dance wild with their blonde curls.
Though past the lively, vibrant glow
It’s hell on earth in bawdy Soho.
Guitar riff
2
Scum-a-plenty play their trade,
Through sex and drugs their money’s made.
Weed, Hash and Charlie they deliver,
Crack and Brown to make you quiver.
Blatant, strong, they need not hide-
Their sordid sales in view outside.
The police? They stand kebab in hand
As dealers rape and rule the land.
No other place they’d let this go,
The law? Unsure, in bawdy Soho.
Guitar riff
3
Minka’s heels stay on and glimmer
Every day she’s getting slimmer,
Three days straight she’s skipped her dinner,
Drugs exhume her, thinner, thinner…
Ten tonight, ten more tomorrow
Sucking, fucking, made to swallow.
HIV like her baby son,
She’ll not get out; she knows they’ve won.
Her needle marks? They’re not on show.
She’ll live; she’ll die in bawdy Soho.
Guitar riff
4
Fleeting tourists, chancing luck
Some feel the girth of Soho’s fuck;
The fiends move swiftly, hands brush past,
Their phone, their wallet, gone so fast.
The rest go wandering idly by,
Drift blind to crime on every side,
They walk, they talk, they dare not think,
They laugh not cry, they sink to drink.
So close, the edge, but they don’t know
The chance they dance in bawdy Soho
Guitar riff
Some sorta build uppy guitar work
So why----?
Girl, did you leave me to die----?
Why did you ever let me go----?
To navigate a place like this alo---ne, alone
Why----?
You left me in the dark with what I kno----w
Dropped the curtain early on our sho----w
Left me with a curse I can’t forgo--- I go----
Heavier Guitar riff before conclusive last verse and ending (longer, change up some shit)
5
So here I fall, I walk these lands,
I mould the darkness in my hands-
Without your light I see no wrong,
Within these streets I now belong.
I see their girls, I buy their stuff,
But it’s not you, it’s not enough.
I tread these boards, abhorred, so bored
I’m down, alone, we should have soared.
So doomed, exhumed, I wander low;
Amongst my streets of bawdy Soho.
Heavy (again) Guitar riff (?)
So why----?
Girl, did you leave me to die----?
Why did you ever let me go----?
To navigate a place like this alo---ne, alone
Why----?
You left me in the dark with what I kno----w
Dropped the curtain early on our sho----w
Left me with a curse I can’t forgo--- I go----
Guitar riff then some sorta build up to final couplets, instrumental/solo?
I’m in the lively, vibrant show
I’m fine, I dine, on bawdy Soho.
I’m lost, I’m done, you’ll never know,
You left me ripe, to bawdy Soho.
Dead, I live, I blindly go
Towards the dark of bawdy Soho.
In the dark of bawdy Soho.
I’m the dark of bawdy Soho.
Instrumental out, maybe sudden stop (?)
It's a song, so poetically, without the various layers of music, some of this is repetitive and won't be too appealing on paper- as written for the sound not the words.
However, what I would be greatly appreciative of is any feedback on the "verses"- the grouped 8 lines after each number below (1-5), I've bolded them. As these I want to be as poetically strong as possible, as the tune of these isn't meant to be as effective as the word choice.
I'm also keen to hear what anybody thinks of the 4th verse, as I think it's shit and am near enough ready to cut it totally and make the song shorter!
I hope it's contextually clear too, again feedback on this is great as it needs to be clear when finished.
Thanks.
Intro
Guitar riff
1
Vodka drunk I leave the door,
My friends dispersed, yet I stay more,
Fresh air, a walk, alert I stagger,
(An) inebriated infant’s playground swagger.
These roads, the trendy Soho streets
Where promises die and phantoms meet,
Expensive bars and “Girls, Girls, Girls”,
My eyes dance wild with their blonde curls.
Though past the lively, vibrant glow
It’s hell on earth in bawdy Soho.
Guitar riff
2
Scum-a-plenty play their trade,
Through sex and drugs their money’s made.
Weed, Hash and Charlie they deliver,
Crack and Brown to make you quiver.
Blatant, strong, they need not hide-
Their sordid sales in view outside.
The police? They stand kebab in hand
As dealers rape and rule the land.
No other place they’d let this go,
The law? Unsure, in bawdy Soho.
Guitar riff
3
Minka’s heels stay on and glimmer
Every day she’s getting slimmer,
Three days straight she’s skipped her dinner,
Drugs exhume her, thinner, thinner…
Ten tonight, ten more tomorrow
Sucking, fucking, made to swallow.
HIV like her baby son,
She’ll not get out; she knows they’ve won.
Her needle marks? They’re not on show.
She’ll live; she’ll die in bawdy Soho.
Guitar riff
4
Fleeting tourists, chancing luck
Some feel the girth of Soho’s fuck;
The fiends move swiftly, hands brush past,
Their phone, their wallet, gone so fast.
The rest go wandering idly by,
Drift blind to crime on every side,
They walk, they talk, they dare not think,
They laugh not cry, they sink to drink.
So close, the edge, but they don’t know
The chance they dance in bawdy Soho
Guitar riff
Some sorta build uppy guitar work
So why----?
Girl, did you leave me to die----?
Why did you ever let me go----?
To navigate a place like this alo---ne, alone
Why----?
You left me in the dark with what I kno----w
Dropped the curtain early on our sho----w
Left me with a curse I can’t forgo--- I go----
Heavier Guitar riff before conclusive last verse and ending (longer, change up some shit)
5
So here I fall, I walk these lands,
I mould the darkness in my hands-
Without your light I see no wrong,
Within these streets I now belong.
I see their girls, I buy their stuff,
But it’s not you, it’s not enough.
I tread these boards, abhorred, so bored
I’m down, alone, we should have soared.
So doomed, exhumed, I wander low;
Amongst my streets of bawdy Soho.
Heavy (again) Guitar riff (?)
So why----?
Girl, did you leave me to die----?
Why did you ever let me go----?
To navigate a place like this alo---ne, alone
Why----?
You left me in the dark with what I kno----w
Dropped the curtain early on our sho----w
Left me with a curse I can’t forgo--- I go----
Guitar riff then some sorta build up to final couplets, instrumental/solo?
I’m in the lively, vibrant show
I’m fine, I dine, on bawdy Soho.
I’m lost, I’m done, you’ll never know,
You left me ripe, to bawdy Soho.
Dead, I live, I blindly go
Towards the dark of bawdy Soho.
In the dark of bawdy Soho.
I’m the dark of bawdy Soho.
Instrumental out, maybe sudden stop (?)
RBJ
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST
