Architectures

[Rogo]

Architectures           [Revision 2]

fuse from pyro
        lysis as titled spires 
                  wind in 
tidal oxygen I draw
        anyone’s son out
                  of sea
red katabasis still 
        hacking up his
                  name in a rein
carnation of carbon
        and evening 
                  cleaned our time



Architectures       [Revision]

fuse from pyro
        lysis as titled spires
                    wind in
tidal oxygen I inhale
         your son
                    amid the sea
red katabasis still
         drowning out his
                    name thru a divi
nation of smoke who answers   
         I am just
                    an answer



Architectures 
      
     fuse from pyro
-lysis    titled   
     spines wind in
                     tidal air    arch
-ipelago jet & arrows
     narrowed their beams thru kind
-led oxygen    who answers
     “I am just
                      an answer”

[ellajam]

Hi, Rogo. Each of us is expected to give at least one critique to someone else before posting a new workshop thread. Please catch up. Thanks, ella

[Rogo]

Hi, Rogo. Each of us is expected to give at least one critique to someone else before posting a new workshop thread. Please catch up. Thanks, ella

Got it—just made one.

I was unsure about sharing the poem and should've checked the guidelines. (Sorry)

[tectak]

“Architectures”
Hi, not a lot to go go, rogo...this is genre stuff and none the worse for that. Trouble is, because only you KNOW what its intent is, all we are left with is spelling and grammar to workshop....so I do not believe you WANT critique, just understanding. I can help you there....I don't understand it.
From the pluralising of architecture (perfectly permissable but esoteric in this context) an  oddness creeps in. Pyrolysis is right up my street but what meaneth it in this taciturn arena? Beats me.
So overall, it is just, to me...gar
-bage.
Tell me I am wr
-ong.

After all, I am just a question.

Nothing poetic here. No style, metaphor, rhyme or reason. The last is the killler for me.
If you can clear up any misconceptions on my part I will try to advise...as it is, this is  intuhlectuarly over my head. By the by...what do you think of the King's new clothes?
Best,
tectak
      
     fuse from pyro
-lysis    titled   
     spines wind in
                     tidal air    arch
-ipelago jet & arrows
     narrowed their beams thru kind
-led oxygen    who answers
     “I am just
                      an answer”

[rollingbrianjones]

I've learnt that I overwrite and lose my reader at times from just a few well criticised posts on this site... despite, honestly, writing with a lot more fullness than this.

If your aim is an easy read, you succeed. I read it smoothly with obvious rhythm in one go- so your structure clearly works... just honestly, as with previous comments I took absolutely nothing from it. If anything, the smoothness of the read made it even more unlikely that I could take meaning from something that even when I went back slowly I still struggled with!

Not sure what you wanted from this- in serious workshopping- but it is difficult for me to seriously workshop a poem that read well but projected nothing. Maybe others will find something... but looking at previous comments I think not- if it means something to you I'm sure you will be reluctant to workshop but the action of posting makes me inclined to think you want others to get something from it, which for me is impossible as it is above.

Hope that doesn't come across too harsh...

RBJ

[Rogo]

I've learnt that I overwrite and lose my reader at times from just a few well criticised posts on this site... despite, honestly, writing with a lot more fullness than this.

If your aim is an easy read, you succeed. I read it smoothly with obvious rhythm in one go- so your structure clearly works... just honestly, as with previous comments I took absolutely nothing from it. If anything, the smoothness of the read made it even more unlikely that I could take meaning from something that even when I went back slowly I still struggled with!

Not sure what you wanted from this- in serious workshopping- but it is difficult for me to seriously workshop a poem that read well but projected nothing. Maybe others will find something... but looking at previous comments I think not- if it means something to you I'm sure you will be reluctant to workshop but the action of posting makes me inclined to think you want others to get something from it, which for me is impossible as it is above.

Hope that doesn't come across too harsh...

RBJ

No, it doesn't come across harsh at all! The authenticity and visceral quality of your response is insightful. 

This poem was largely an experiment to transform imagery (mostly) through prosodic means, which is why I'm thrilled to hear it reads smoothly for others. However, it's conceptually and metaphorically rough —it needs work. 

I've already reworked a lot of the poem since my original post and plan to do so soon. 

Thanks for your feedback!

[CRNDLSM]

Hi rogo!  Interesting work, the edit reads better for sure.  It seems you're dead set on the climax being given the ending ,'I am just an answer'  which still makes no sense to me considering the title.  I love how the title reflects the sculpture of lines it seems you're building.  

Architectures       [Revision]

fuse from pyro
        lysis as titled spires
                    wind in what is it called when there are a lot of similar sounds back to back, like a cross between alliteration and rhyming, what I love about your enjamb is that I am forced to think about this pronunciation.  Wind or wind lol
tidal oxygen I inhale
         your son since youre not talking to me really I don't think your son matters, especially since it's not in the original, 
                    amid the sea I miss the hyphens and think sea-red needs one
red katabasis still
         drowning out his
                    name thru a divi
nation of smoke who answers   
         I am just all this rewrite is good but even so, 'I am just an answer' doesn't make sense to me in context, abstract for abstract sake, 
                    an answer

What I really loved about the original was how the enjambment made the words swing in two ways

Architectures 
      
     fuse from pyro pyro and pyrolysis
-lysis    titled   
     spines wind in
                     tidal air    arch arch and archipelago
-ipelago jet & arrows
     narrowed their beams thru kind kind and kindled
-led oxygen    who answers
     “I am just
                      an answer”

And in the rewrite you made the enjamb more ab9ut the sentences than the words, with the exception of divi-nation, which I don't really like in the edit because 'divi' means nothing to me.

[Leanne]

Hi Rogo.  I quite like what you're doing with your breaks as they're forcing an unusual re-reading on words that might otherwise go unnoticed (basic rule of thumb being, of course, that readers pay most attention to the first and last words on a line). I am ambivalent about the use of "fuse" to begin your poem, but that is because I read it differently depending on whether I take the title as the first line also.  I am leaning towards yes for this but I'm not sure that I like the image that I get from "architectures fuse" -- then again, I don't have to like it, just accept that it's working, and it's working.  Forgive me, I will ramble and I'm afraid you'll just have to live with that...

Your great advantage lies in choosing words that have meaning shifts to break on (esp. wind).  This gives the poem many variations in a short piece, which holds interest.  It is clear that these are deliberate and not arbitrary, which of course makes me examine why they were used and this is the bit I like best in poetry (I may be odd in this regard but it's true -- I'm happiest when my brain is working.  Sick, right?)

So.  I've already mentioned the shift that happens to fuse depending on whether or not I take the title as a line.  "Architectures fuse from pyrolysis" indicates to me that there has already been a heat event, perhaps long ago, and the view is from ruins; however, just "fuse from pyro" gives me the idea of acid which then shifts to "lysis..." so decay or degradation from application of acidity, and then I get all metaphysical and think about mean people

Tidal oxygen indicates to me that this is viewed from the shore or the shallows, then we shift to the "red katabasis", so it's the sun going down (red sky at night, sailor's delight, after all...)

Divination of smoke -- a camp on the shore or the fire of a disaster?  Either way, we have a nice continuation of the pyro concept while maintaining the divinity of nature.  The final lines seem to echo and extrapolate from logos -- "I am" -- but an answer, not the  answer or the anything, for that matter.  This to me is a poem of possibilities, a crossroads perhaps.  There is the past, far from unchanging; there is fire as destroyer or comforter; there is the ocean in a similar capacity as the fire; and there is red.  Sunset, blood, oxygenation, passion, death, anger -- but I feel unresolved at the end of the poem, even after several readings.  I am not disappointed by this.  In fact, I find it difficult to dislike this at all, so I won't even try.

P.S. It doesn't matter to me if my interpretations differ from yours, and I hope it doesn't matter too greatly to you either.  I thank you for a poem that gives me options.

Architectures       [Revision]

fuse from pyro
        lysis as titled spires
                    wind in
tidal oxygen I inhale
         your son
                    amid the sea
red katabasis still
         drowning out his
                    name thru a divi
nation of smoke who answers   
         I am just
                    an answer

[Rogo]

CRNDLSM,

We're in agreement on "I am just / an answer." I wanted the linebreak to indicate the self-justification of the perpetrator and have "an answer" continue the metaphor of chemical reactions. Yet, it comes off as confusing.

I included "your son" to strengthen the emotional situation being depicted. It's meant to be more personal and disturbing. However, I feel "your" is unnecessary and out of place. 

I'm still unsure about using hyphens myself. I like that they give more certainty to the reader, but I also like the uncertainty of their absence. I don't know.

"Divi/nation" was meant to play with words like "divide" and "divine" but it comes off as forced and unclear. I ended up cutting it.



Leanne, 

Rest assured that your rambling is invaluable to my revision. In many ways, the poem is meant to operate like a Rorschach test —so your visceral reactions are appreciated! Interactivity and the notion of "reading as writing" are central to the poem's composition.

I wanted "divi/nation of smoke" to create a sense of reinterpreting one's surroundings when they are obscured, but it seems weak to me. I wanted the bisected words to convey independent meanings from each half of the whole and have those meanings engage/conflict with one another. Since "divi" is not a word, it doesn't necessarily work. 



I posted a new revision above. I changed "smoke" to "carbon" in order to create chemical unity of the subjects as well as sonic unity with 
"carnation". I also omitted "I am just / an answer" although I'm still uncertain whether this was a good idea. I initially had:

carnations of smoke
         and drones I am just  
                         an answer

I really like "drones" because it conveys multiple things, such as uniformity of sound, moaning, and also military drones. However, "an answer" still comes off as weak.

"Draw" also replaced "inhale" to further create ambiguity. It implies breathing, taking someone out of something, and also drawing as in art. I like the relationship of these meanings, but I can't help but think it's too vague. 

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. I hope to see more!