If you could share the feeling of a poem...EDIT 1.000mahj, river, beard

[tectak]

If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky.
The heart that throbs beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythmic beating,
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dream's amanuensis
is a poet without sight.
You would not need the muse's eye,
if you could share the feeling of a poem.

Inspired by selfie from the excellent Ian Donald Crockett, of the same title.
tectak 2016


Original
If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky.
The heart that throbs beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythmic beating,
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dream's amanuensis
is a poet without sight;
but you never need ask why,
if you could share the feeling of a poem.

Inspired by selfie from the excellent Ian Donald Crockett, of the same title.
tectak 2016

[Mahjong]

If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky.  Definitely not overkill; however, given that blue is a favorite color with abundant immediate associations (while blue lost the recent US election, it did win the popular vote), this could fall a bit short for conveying that of a poem which cannot be shared.
A heartbeat close beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythm, beating,  This is grammatically awkward--you shift from implied subject to grammatical subject.  Also, a heartbeat...beating....
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dreams become the musing
of a poet without sight.  Dreams can be quite vivid.  I wonder if any poet is wholly awake when writing verse; even if they are, they still have to close their eyes at some point.
But you never need ask why,  What I have to ask is, why the 'but'?  None of the above conveys, for me, the kind of imponderable wonder that the 'but' might seem to suggest is there.
if you could share the feeling of a poem.
 
The main problem for me is that heartbeats do send me sleeping and I do sometimes find clarity and insight in my dreams (or some stage of sleep).  This might almost work if it were something like, "If one tried to share the feeling of a poem, the color blue might mean little more than sky."  There is something to be said for the poem's overall sense of softness and understatedness.  That said, I might be missing something and I'm eager to learn what it might be.

Enjoyed reading it...thanks for posting!

[tectak]

Great stuff mahj. Thank you.
This is about feeling rather than seeing...so "blue" is the state of feeling sad....implied and I hope translatable.
As you will see, I sneaked an edit in. You and I had the same thoughts.

It was a long time back, but the piece begins with an "If..." and ends with a denial...a "but".

The rhyme scheme is circular to emphasise the loop...perhaps it hasn't worked. I will look again. I eat all crit.
Thanks again.
best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky. I don't think the multiple meanings of blue are here an impediment. That said, I don't think the poem deals with such melancholy entirely -- though I did read this at first as melancholy, eventually I just considered this as "beyond the book's cover".
The heart that throbs beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythmic beating, I think there is an issue of too narrow a loop for this line -- I think the poem would be somewhat bettered if this rhyme (or even this line, though that might make slightly less sense) was moved below amanuensis. 
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dream's amanuensis
is a poet without sight; And I don't think this final sentence need be one whole sentence. Part of me wishes this were a period instead of a semicolon -- though another part, the part that wants things clean, likes it the way it is. Your choice; I think originally this was a period? Also, I'm a bit hung up on "is", since it just doesn't have the same transformative effect as a more, er, active verb, like "fades", or "turns", or "becomes".
but you never need ask why, ....I can't help but feel a little confused that this is "you" rather than "you'll".
if you could share the feeling of a poem.

Inspired by selfie from the excellent Ian Donald Crockett, of the same title. Link! Link! I'm too lazy to search -- link!
tectak 2016

It was felt. Lovely work.

[tectak]

If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky. I don't think the multiple meanings of blue are here an impediment. That said, I don't think the poem deals with such melancholy entirely -- though I did read this at first as melancholy, eventually I just considered this as "beyond the book's cover".
The heart that throbs beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythmic beating, I think there is an issue of too narrow a loop for this line -- I think the poem would be somewhat bettered if this rhyme (or even this line, though that might make slightly less sense) was moved below amanuensis. 
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dream's amanuensis
is a poet without sight; And I don't think this final sentence need be one whole sentence. Part of me wishes this were a period instead of a semicolon -- though another part, the part that wants things clean, likes it the way it is. Your choice; I think originally this was a period? Also, I'm a bit hung up on "is", since it just doesn't have the same transformative effect as a more, er, active verb, like "fades", or "turns", or "becomes".
but you never need ask why, ....I can't help but feel a little confused that this is "you" rather than "you'll".
if you could share the feeling of a poem.

Inspired by selfie from the excellent Ian Donald Crockett, of the same title. Link! Link! I'm too lazy to search -- link!
tectak 2016
A propos that penultimate line....considering ".....the poet without sight" Your thoughts?

No, it is not about melancholy....just feeling rather than seeing.

I don't want to change the circular rhyme scheme because it is, to me, essentially tied to the circularity of the thought. I do, though, agree that there is something not working in the conclusion department. I am on it.
Link below. The guy is an aquaintance, local, talented but doesn't know it.



It was felt. Lovely work.

https://m.facebook.com/media/set/?set=p....1597363237&type=3#!/photo.php?fbid=10154337280458237&id=680983236&set=a.10153049039593237.1073741833.680983236&source=48&refid=28&_ft_=qid.6369803536382307008%3Amf_story_key.-5935211296703413959&__tn__=E

[Mahjong]

Got it, tectak.  Thanks for the clarification.  Due to my own background, I defaulted at 'feeling' to a frame formulated around a more familiar binary, something like 'thinking/feeling'.  (And for 'seeing', my default would be something like, 'appearance/essence'.)  No excuse, as today 'to see is to know', so I should have made the leap.  My bad.  I do 'feel' it now and your poem makes stronger sense to me.

I certainly knew your poem wasn't Mardi gras merry, but neither did I take it to be melancholy.  A little more so now on this score, but I wonder--and I'm just tossing this out there--if it might not be more effective, for feeling's sake, to use the first-person (at least at the outset)?

Thanks again.



Great stuff mahj. Thank you.
This is about feeling rather than seeing...so "blue" is the state of feeling sad....implied and I hope translatable.
As you will see, I sneaked an edit in. You and I had the same thoughts.

It was a long time back, but the piece begins with an "If..." and ends with a denial...a "but".

The rhyme scheme is circular to emphasise the loop...perhaps it hasn't worked. I will look again. I eat all crit.
Thanks again.
best,
tectak
[/quote]

[Beardowulf]

I'll give my initial interpretation of your piece line by line, then give a critique of some aspects.

If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky. - Poetry can have multiple meanings, dependent on who is reading (what is being felt) and what is taken away. Blue is often associated with the sky, but if you could "share the feeling of a poem" you could enlighten how blue can mean so much more. This speaks to me more generally; poetry can be hard to find definite meanings, but if the feeling (either the writer or reader) could be given to others, a poem could have clearer interpretations - the sky is blue, but blue can be taken in so many ways in a general sense.
The heart that throbs beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythmic beating, - I take the heart as feelings relating to the first line, beating inside one's body, giving off a calmness that brings one to sleep. It beats rhythmically so the feelings are rhythmic, putting one into a trance.
'til the light fades from your senses - beginning to dream
and your dream's amanuensis
is a poet without sight; - The ideas your dreams conjure from your own thoughts while awake make a poet blind - the feelings while dreaming aren't legitimate?
but you never need ask why,
if you could share the feeling of a poem. - Parallels the beginning, if feelings of a poem could be exchanged you wouldn't need to try and decipher the meanings and feelings.

Inspired by selfie from the excellent Ian Donald Crockett, of the same title.
tectak 2016

I like the first two lines, the idea of blue and its multiple meanings is an excellent opening to the overall theme.  I really like the rhyme implemented and how it is circular moving outward. It starts in the middle with sleeping/beating and senses/amanuensis, but then works outward with night/sight, why/sky, and then the final repetition. I don't know how I feel about "amanuensis" - I like its meaning in relation to the piece (albeit slightly confusing for me), the rhyme feels forced with "senses". It might be confusing for me simply because I'm not familiar with the term and had to look it up.

I hope my thoughts are useful - Good luck with revision!

Best,

Chris