Ele-mental edit 1

[CRNDLSM]

Edit 1

Nature's forces are fundamental.
Our heads in the sky, our feet on the ground.

Connections between elemental,
some soft or sweet sentimental,
Memories triggered by smell or sound.

The forces of nature, fundamental,
physics essential, transcendental,
infinite dimensions abound.

What connects us is elemental.
The toughest are work, real severe dental
without novacaine, filled drilled and crowned.

Natural force fundamental
to all living things, detrimental,
organized chaos, erratic and round.

Connecting us, the elemental,
the deep soul, the ornamental,
searching to find what's already found.

Forces of nature are fundamental,
connections between elemental.


Original

Forces of nature are fundamental,
our heads in the sky, and feet on the ground.

Connections between us elemental,
the softest of which warm and gentle,
a blanket when snow makes the only sound.

Forces of nature are fundamental.
Thanks to physics, time and space are rental,
all things possible, dimensions abound.

Connections between us elemental,
the roughest are work, real severe dental
without novacaine, filled, drilled, cleaned, and crowned.

Forces of nature are fundamental,
living and non-, inter-continental,
organized chaos, erratic and round.

Connections between us elemental,
deep-rooted soul, to pure ornamental,
while seeking to find what's already found.

Forces of nature are fundamental,
connections between us elemental.

[rollingbrianjones]

Firstly, I have MASSIVE admiration for taking on such a rarely used form! I love this kinda shit. I can't actually remember the last time I read a villanelle. It's tricky to make one insightful and not annoying. Yet this seems to do it easily- and you use the repetition effectively, it smashes home the connection between poet, intended and nature as a three superbly (for me). The connection between the three for me was unavoidable, not irritating, didn't seem repetitive (even though it is), just firmly constant (as it is in reality, I hope!?).

Is this written as a performance piece more than to be read on a page?
It reads to me as something that read aloud is stronger than on paper. So if intended, you definitely have accessed a vocal quality. I say this, as I read it in my head first, and found some bits awkward- but then read it aloud, and really enjoyed it- there are one or two places it didn't go smoothly for me which I'll highlight below so you can see if you agree, and consider.

Also not sure of your views on deviating from chosen meter within given forms... I always think if it sounds better, there is no harm in it.
To manipulate meter takes just as much skill, if not more, than keeping strictly within it?

Forces of nature are fundamental,
our heads in the sky, and feet on the ground. ("and" seems a quick/weak choice? Would you consider repeating "our"? It's a repetitive format, and I think repeating "our" further strengthens the effect/bond portrayed early on. Love the line apart from.)
Connections between us elemental,
the softest of which warm and gentle, (this was an awkward one for me, out loud the line seems short, and I think wording can be improved. Also full stop in line 2, follow with capital at start of line? Sugg: "The softest protect us, warm and gentle" - quick sugg obviously, but wanted to suggest a direct effect on "us" whilst keeping the warm and gentle. 
a blanket when snow makes the only sound. (lovely line)
Forces of nature are fundamental.
Thanks to physics, time and space are rental, (I didn't really get this line- it felt like your only strained rhyme. Though I'm not against things that are personally clear to the poet and leave readers to be a little confuddled). Like getting physics in with nature though. "Servants to physics, our time incidental" or such like came into my head.
all things possible, dimensions abound. (love this after physics)
Connections between us elemental,
the roughest are work, real severe dental
without novacaine, filled, drilled, cleaned, and crowned. (Really like this imagery, though it is pretty ugly- assume this was intended!)
Forces of nature are fundamental,
living and non-, inter-continental, (found this one a bit awkward)
organized chaos, erratic and round. (loved this line)
Connections between us elemental,
deep-rooted soul, to pure ornamental, (and loved this line)
while seeking to find what's already found. (and this one )
Forces of nature are fundamental,
connections between us elemental.

Really strong ending. Hope some comments are of use.

RBJ

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks for having a look rbj, really the only villanelle I've experienced is do not go gently, from the poetry practice exercises.  
I have lots of questions myself about the form,
How important is meter and repetition to the form.  

For instance, can there be 8,9,7 syllables per line, changing up the pattern within the poem? as long as the repeats are in the right place? 
Do the repeats have to be exact or would it fly to change a word here and there?

I wrote it in a frenzy with whatever Rhymes I had, so the dental and intercontinental were actually the only parts i tried to force, I'll prolly keep the dental work now.  the snow section I think was just influenced by all the snow stuff I've been reading lately and want to change it for cliche.  I'm afraid every line is borderline cliche, but with end Rhymes as adjectives my sentence structure is limited (you're suggestions were way better, if I keep the snow part it'll prolly be near your arrangement, and the physics line)

I'm glad it wasn't bad on a first run, but I'm taking it seriously
Thanks again

Firstly, I have MASSIVE admiration for taking on such a rarely used form! I love this kinda shit. I can't actually remember the last time I read a villanelle. It's tricky to make one insightful and not annoying. Yet this seems to do it easily- and you use the repetition effectively, it smashes home the connection between poet, intended and nature as a three superbly (for me). The connection between the three for me was unavoidable, not irritating, didn't seem repetitive (even though it is), just firmly constant (as it is in reality, I hope!?).

Is this written as a performance piece more than to be read on a page?
It reads to me as something that read aloud is stronger than on paper. So if intended, you definitely have accessed a vocal quality. I say this, as I read it in my head first, and found some bits awkward- but then read it aloud, and really enjoyed it- there are one or two places it didn't go smoothly for me which I'll highlight below so you can see if you agree, and consider.

Also not sure of your views on deviating from chosen meter within given forms... I always think if it sounds better, there is no harm in it.
To manipulate meter takes just as much skill, if not more, than keeping strictly within it?

Forces of nature are fundamental,
our heads in the sky, and feet on the ground. ("and" seems a quick/weak choice? Would you consider repeating "our"? It's a repetitive format, and I think repeating "our" further strengthens the effect/bond portrayed early on. Love the line apart from.)
Connections between us elemental,
the softest of which warm and gentle, (this was an awkward one for me, out loud the line seems short, and I think wording can be improved. Also full stop in line 2, follow with capital at start of line? Sugg: "The softest protect us, warm and gentle" - quick sugg obviously, but wanted to suggest a direct effect on "us" whilst keeping the warm and gentle. 
a blanket when snow makes the only sound. (lovely line)
Forces of nature are fundamental.
Thanks to physics, time and space are rental, (I didn't really get this line- it felt like your only strained rhyme. Though I'm not against things that are personally clear to the poet and leave readers to be a little confuddled). Like getting physics in with nature though. "Servants to physics, our time incidental" or such like came into my head.
all things possible, dimensions abound. (love this after physics)
Connections between us elemental,
the roughest are work, real severe dental
without novacaine, filled, drilled, cleaned, and crowned. (Really like this imagery, though it is pretty ugly- assume this was intended!)
Forces of nature are fundamental,
living and non-, inter-continental, (found this one a bit awkward)
organized chaos, erratic and round. (loved this line)
Connections between us elemental,
deep-rooted soul, to pure ornamental, (and loved this line)
while seeking to find what's already found. (and this one )
Forces of nature are fundamental,
connections between us elemental.

Really strong ending. Hope some comments are of use.

RBJ

[rollingbrianjones]

"How important is meter and repetition to the form".
"For instance, can there be 8,9,7 syllables per line, changing up the pattern within the poem? as long as the repeats are in the right place?
Do the repeats have to be exact or would it fly to change a word here and there?"

It's a good 10 years since I was at university... but the ones I remembered studying with this form were Dylan Thomas and Sylvia Plath, being honest, without those particular bits of education, I doubt I'd have even heard of the form!
I am a fan of SP (not a huge one though) and I am indifferent to Thomas... but after reading yours, I looked again at theirs. The rhyme is important, I understand keeping to the dual rhyme is what makes it, maybe throw a half rhyme for effect if it is a crucial line, a very strong combination of sounds and an unusual word choice, so the chosen half rhyme stands out yet further from the "cliche" (as you feared) of a 2 rhyme poem. Syllables, I think, if a piece is intended vocally, should never be overly revered. Adhering to a meter religiously can often make something a weaker read than purposeful variation (think I say that a lot on here but that's my opinion, lots disagree!)
I think what can make the poem technically awesome on paper is the word choice/sounds within each line, how they build up or link with the last word of each line that fits the dual rhyme, perhaps then the cliched end rhyme is lost or unnoticed due to the previous words. I almost feel you could slap dash throw down 19 dually lined rhymes as a start then slowly build the rest from there, to write a better villanelle than just writing and worrying about ending each line appropriately as and when.

It's a good frenzy write, don't lose the speed or energy of it in the rewrite, just polish a few lines here and there!

RBJ


"For instance, can there be 8,9,7 syllables per line, changing up the pattern within the poem? as long as the repeats are in the right place?
Do the repeats have to be exact or would it fly to change a word here and there?"


Frenzy writing is all good, I think frenzy poets are always the best read aloud. Def keep the dental imagery, reads well and has effect, just chuck something a bit stronger in that makes the following lines stronger or at least relates/opposes it.

Reformat visually is an improvement.

[CRNDLSM]

I think I butchered it