Lagopus Edit 1 Everyone

[tectak]

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckling at shortening days.
Winter is coming but so are the guns…
Blat blat blat, through heather-hushed heath,
echoing down, in the valley beneath,
filling the wind with knots in air.
Sky-line beaters black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away,
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this may be your last day.

tectak
2016 

Original 

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckles at shortening days.
Winter is coming but so are the guns…
Blat blat blat, through heather-hushed heath,
echoing down in the valley beneath,
filling the wind with knots in air.
Sky-line beaters black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away,
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this will be your last day.

tectak
2016

[Leanne]

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckles at shortening days. -- this I don't get.  What's he got to be happy about, unless he's ignorant?  Or unless he thinks it's pretty grouse fun to be running from death...
Winter is coming but so are the guns… -- perhaps you'd consider "winter comes, but so do the guns"
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, -- the alliteration works nicely as a quiet contrast to the onomatopoeia, but you also get the rush of air from the "h" which is almost onomatopoeia itself -- very clever
echoing down in the valley beneath, 
filling the wind with knots in air. -- I had to read this line a few times to get the image straight, but it's all good now
Sky-line beaters  black on grey, -- is the extra space deliberate?
bent to the rain, halooing away,
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this will be your last day. -- for meter, I'm not so keen on this line.  It's a half-beat short, or a half-beat long, and I think I'd shorten it for effect.  Even just "this is" could fix it.  

There are a couple of things that confuse me about the poem, but then I've never seen/participated in a grouse hunt so I am probably missing subtleties.  I gather there are beaters ahead of the hunt to flush the birds out -- this is fairly clear and nicely illustrated.  What I don't quite get is the "chuckles" bit, and whether it is the "last day" for the species (i.e. are they endangered by hunting/ climate change?) or just this one unlucky chortler?  

Otherwise, the heath is quite alive beneath the (always) grey sky, with the ubiquitous drizzle -- I suppose in such conditions it's rather a relief to be able to shoot something.

[tectak]

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckles at shortening days. -- this I don't get.  What's he got to be happy about, unless he's ignorant?  Or unless he thinks it's pretty grouse fun to be running from death...
Winter is coming but so are the guns… -- perhaps you'd consider "winter comes, but so do the guns"
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, -- the alliteration works nicely as a quiet contrast to the onomatopoeia, but you also get the rush of air from the "h" which is almost onomatopoeia itself -- very clever
echoing down in the valley beneath, 
filling the wind with knots in air. -- I had to read this line a few times to get the image straight, but it's all good now
Sky-line beaters  black on grey, -- is the extra space deliberate?
bent to the rain, halooing away,
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this will be your last day. -- for meter, I'm not so keen on this line.  It's a half-beat short, or a half-beat long, and I think I'd shorten it for effect.  Even just "this is" could fix it.  

There are a couple of things that confuse me about the poem, but then I've never seen/participated in a grouse hunt so I am probably missing subtleties.  I gather there are beaters ahead of the hunt to flush the birds out -- this is fairly clear and nicely illustrated.  What I don't quite get is the "chuckles" bit, and whether it is the "last day" for the species (i.e. are they endangered by hunting/ climate change?) or just this one unlucky chortler?  

Otherwise, the heath is quite alive beneath the (always) grey sky, with the ubiquitous drizzle -- I suppose in such conditions it's rather a relief to be able to shoot something.

Hi leanne,
Thank you. Just one thing you should know. The grouse laughs, chuckles, giggles. It is an unforgettable call...a cackle. The shortening days is a double entendre....winter solstice AND the shooting season!
Just had a few hours on the blasted heath...this was it. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zfgFY-hgiOk
Best,
tectak
(I will edit..it is uncooked right now)

[Leanne]

Ah, that makes sense. What about "chuckles into"?

[Achebe]

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckles at shortening days.    ....the 'at' issue's already been mentioned. I'd prefer 'through', though you have 'through'on L4. But I like the irony of its chuckling. It really should be a collective noun - 'a chuckling of grice' would be perfect.
Winter is coming but so are the guns… ...why 'but'? I don't see a contradiction in the first place to justify this particular conjunction. Perhaps 'and'?
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, ...like the 3xblats, indifferent to the alliteration. But I like 'heather hushed' as yes, the heather should hush your boot shod footsteps.
echoing down in the valley beneath, ...the 'beneath' is implied from the 'down', so it looks like you've just gone for the rhyme. Perhaps no rhyme + 'valley floor'?
filling the wind with knots in air. ...I can see, but not clearly enough, the exploding feathers, if that's what's intended. I think 'filling' is too passive a word. Also, the 'air' would be implied from the 'wind'? Perhaps you're not talking about the feathers at all, though, in which case...what are you talking about?
Sky-line beaters  black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away, ...nice. I can see 'em.
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this will be your last day. ...cliched, and not a particularly striking summary anyway. How about 'it's the 10th of September today'? Or whenever the season opens.

tectak
2016

Why do they call it a 'hunt' anyway? It's not a hunt unless there's an element of danger. I'd like to see the Amur tiger introduced in the Isles.

[tectak]

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckles at shortening days.    ....the 'at' issue's already been mentioned. I'd prefer 'through', though you have 'through'on L4. But I like the irony of its chuckling. It really should be a collective noun - 'a chuckling of grice' would be perfect.
Winter is coming but so are the guns… ...why 'but'? I don't see a contradiction in the first place to justify this particular conjunction. Perhaps 'and'?
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, ...like the 3xblats, indifferent to the alliteration. But I like 'heather hushed' as yes, the heather should hush your boot shod footsteps.
echoing down in the valley beneath, ...the 'beneath' is implied from the 'down', so it looks like you've just gone for the rhyme. Perhaps no rhyme + 'valley floor'?
filling the wind with knots in air. ...I can see, but not clearly enough, the exploding feathers, if that's what's intended. I think 'filling' is too passive a word. Also, the 'air' would be implied from the 'wind'? Perhaps you're not talking about the feathers at all, though, in which case...what are you talking about?
Sky-line beaters  black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away, ...nice. I can see 'em.
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this will be your last day. ...cliched, and not a particularly striking summary anyway. How about 'it's the 10th of September today'? Or whenever the season opens.

tectak
2016

Why do they call it a 'hunt' anyway? It's not a hunt unless there's an element of danger. I'd like to see the Amur tiger introduced in the Isles.

Thanks for this.It is a short piece but I intend polishing it so all crit is eaten. It is not called a hunt...probaby and sensibly using your argument...it is called a "shoot" using the same logic
Best,
tectak

[kolemath]

I like it. concise. simple. not digging deeper than it should. 

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica, not sure what the point of latin is but i don't guess just saying 'red grouse' would make much of a difference
chuckles at shortening days. good play on the season and lethal gun shot
Winter is coming but so are the guns… yeah unless there's some contrast for 'winter,' 'guns' does work as connected by 'but' winter and guns both mean hibernation/potential death, so 'and' is better
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, perhaps italics for the onomatopoeia ..good geography-specific language choices for sound
echoing down in the valley beneath, not a fan of doubling prepositions: 'down in' 
filling the wind with knots in air. my favorite line
Sky-line beaters  black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away, away? but they don't get away, right?
Lagopus lagopus scotica, maybe the latin makes sense if we're talking endangered species. it's a protected bird from what google says, but hunting's permitted so....not sure that reading works 
this will be your last day. yeah i'm for present tense or achebe's suggestion. future tense doesn't work for me. even past tense is better, on the finality of death. 

tectak
2016

[tectak]

I like it. concise. simple. not digging deeper than it should. 

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica, not sure what the point of latin is but i don't guess just saying 'red grouse' would make much of a difference
chuckles at shortening days. good play on the season and lethal gun shot
Winter is coming but so are the guns… yeah unless there's some contrast for 'winter,' 'guns' does work as connected by 'but' winter and guns both mean hibernation/potential death, so 'and' is better
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, perhaps italics for the onomatopoeia ..good geography-specific language choices for sound
echoing down in the valley beneath, not a fan of doubling prepositions: 'down in' 
filling the wind with knots in air. my favorite line
Sky-line beaters  black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away, away? but they don't get away, right?
Lagopus lagopus scotica, maybe the latin makes sense if we're talking endangered species. it's a protected bird from what google says, but hunting's permitted so....not sure that reading works 
this will be your last day. yeah i'm for present tense or achebe's suggestion. future tense doesn't work for me. even past tense is better, on the finality of death. 

tectak
2016

Hi Kol,
Thanks for your words. Yep...just an observational piece which I felt was worth jotting down. The lagopus lagopus scotia was just for rhythm...a-tichoo...a-tichoo...they all fall down nursery rhyme remembrances. I will not take issue with any of the comments on the duplication inherent in "...echoing down in the valley beneath.." suffice to say that I may have cocked up the punctuation. Maybe..."echoing down, in the valley beneath.. ".
I THINK I meant to imply that "down" was "along" as in the infantile vernacular "..knocking on doors down our street..."
You are very correct on the "but" word though again, I excuse myself without absolution, on the grounds that you may die in winter BUT better that the guns get you first. An old argument for killing wild-life.
A tidy up will come. After all, this IS a workshopping forum
Best,
tectak

---

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica,
chuckles at shortening days.    ....the 'at' issue's already been mentioned. I'd prefer 'through', though you have 'through'on L4. But I like the irony of its chuckling. It really should be a collective noun - 'a chuckling of grice' would be perfect.
Winter is coming but so are the guns… ...why 'but'? I don't see a contradiction in the first place to justify this particular conjunction. Perhaps 'and'?
Blat blat blat, through  heather-hushed heath, ...like the 3xblats, indifferent to the alliteration. But I like 'heather hushed' as yes, the heather should hush your boot shod footsteps.
echoing down in the valley beneath, ...the 'beneath' is implied from the 'down', so it looks like you've just gone for the rhyme. Perhaps no rhyme + 'valley floor'?
filling the wind with knots in air. ...I can see, but not clearly enough, the exploding feathers, if that's what's intended. I think 'filling' is too passive a word. Also, the 'air' would be implied from the 'wind'? Perhaps you're not talking about the feathers at all, though, in which case...what are you talking about?
Sky-line beaters  black on grey,
bent to the rain, halooing away, ...nice. I can see 'em.
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this will be your last day. ...cliched, and not a particularly striking summary anyway. How about 'it's the 10th of September today'? Or whenever the season opens.

tectak
2016

Why do they call it a 'hunt' anyway? It's not a hunt unless there's an element of danger. I'd like to see the Amur tiger introduced in the Isles.

Knots in the air....the compression wave of a gunshot that is complicated by the terrain...multiple echoes and reflections make the sound like a knot in the air. Aw...the hell...I'm not a REAL poet you know

[RiverNotch]

Lagopus

Lagopus lagopus scotica, I'm sure you know better than to not leave this name in italics! And so --
chuckling at shortening days. I see why you changed "chuckling" to "chuckles". Good.
Winter is coming but so are the guns…
Blat blat blat, through heather-hushed heath, The sounds here alternately remind me of the bird itself (which I have never heard, but I could guess) and of the whole season (the Blat! of guns, the hush of stalking). Lovely.
echoing down, in the valley beneath, Why the comma here? Structurally it makes more sense clean, since the two clauses are in essence one, and separating "in the valley beneath" breaks parallelism. If you really want to remove the double prepositions (I personally don't prefer), just remove one of them, as the image still works without. Or maybe use "along" (I could see "down" and "beneath" being too much of a double) then correct the sound by using a different gerund.
filling the wind with knots in air. Knots in the air? I can see the compression waves, sure, but something about the wording doesn't sit well with me....as if the metaphor doesn't really sit right in an otherwise bare poem, or the detail is simply too incidental to have been added.
Sky-line beaters black on grey, Sky-line or skyline? I'm not sure I see what's really being shown here -- I keep reading "bleaters" -- but what I already see, and what I'm sure I hear, is fair enough.
bent to the rain, halooing away, Maybe colon?
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this may be your last day. I mean, "will" had a good bit of punch, but the speaker here reads more like an observer than a fellow hunter, so yeah, another agreeable change.

Not much to add. It shows what it shows, and that's all there is to it. Of course, I could try for something more metaphorical, but I suppose bird hunting pre-winter isn't particularly close to my heart. Lovely.