Knuckle Sandwiches and White Rice

[Krakus]

Mom, why did dad have to leave?
I thought we'd always be a family.

Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?

To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage.

Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"

Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor.

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?

In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim.

Surrounded by family with bowed chins.

Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him.

Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him.

I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head.

Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey.

While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.

Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice.

The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable

And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be

And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.



~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.

[Mark Cecil]

You have a nice flow going on throughout the poem and I like the way you have some random rhyming throughout which makes the poem a joy to read e.g.

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

[Krakus]

You have a nice flow going on throughout the poem and I like the way you have some random rhyming throughout which makes the poem a joy to read e.g.

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

Thanks Mark! It's great to me that you enjoyed the rhyming, because I was worried about it. I always feel like I run the risk of sounding ignorant if I use simple rhymes.

I'm curious though, how did the attitude of it feel when you read it? I was shooting for blunt and angry, but one of my other concerns was that I might come across as being too angsty or whiny.

[Brownlie]

I think there's a lot of great stuff in here. A lot of the setting or (atmosphere or something) is strong and could be accentuated with a greater focus. 

Mom, why did dad have to leave?
I thought we'd always be a family.

Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?

To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage.

Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"

Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor. -- black eyes and ramen work well for atmosphere. There are a lot of words to get to that though

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?

In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim. -- The church and bowed chins create more palpable things that carry weight.

Surrounded by family with bowed chins.

Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him. -- I would avoid cliches such as evil within. 

Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him.

I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head.

Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey.

While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. -- dungeons and dragons is an interesting detail. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.

Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice.

The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable

And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be

And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.



~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.

I don't really know how to tell you how to write. However, I would suggest less rhyming and more details for this.  Just my opinion, depends what other people like though.

[billy]

first off all i saw were big big letters and it almost put off reading. good for people with poor eyesight but not so much for others.

there's good and bad in the poem, for me the first line is a minus as it's too obvious as to what's coming after iti'd suggest starting with the 2nd line. in parts the voice is an adult and elsewhere it's a child. pick one and stick with it [or make us understand the change] for me there's too many words that carry little or no weight. i saw you mention the meter which in it's present format is internal which is fine, except the rhymes are forced or repeated.

the following line stood out more than most of the others, though it does need some work.

there are other good parts in the poem, pick out the best ones and build the poem around them, i think brevity would be a good friend on any edit you choose to do. [welcome to the site.


Except ramen is only 29 cents.
Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors,
and have everybody stare at you
with your two black eyes pointed at the floor.

Mom, why did dad have to leave?
I thought we'd always be a family.

Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?

To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage.

Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"

Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor.

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?

In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim.

Surrounded by family with bowed chins.

Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him.

Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him.

I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head.

Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey.

While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.

Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice.

The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable

And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be

And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.



~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.

[Mark Cecil]

I didn't think you were angsty or whinny I think the pain of the author is clearly expressed throughout the poem. Rhyming can be dangerous especially if your trying to talk about something serious but I think you've cut a fair balance with not too much but with just an enough to help with the flow of the poem.

[starlight]

Mom, why did dad have to leave?
I thought we'd always be a family. I agree with the posters above, this first line is child-like and seems a little unoriginal.

Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?

To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage. The poem could start a lot stronger if you started with this line, and maybe a preface to it. I think everything before this can go without much loss (including "to keep us... cherish"

Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"

Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor. This line and the one before it were beautiful. I love the imagery and the rhyme works well

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?

In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim.

Surrounded by family with bowed chins.

Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him. The first part of this line is good but the 'evil within him' is a little unoriginal. This line doesn't add much to the poem anyways

Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him. I like the comma after wait, it fits nicely with the wording.

I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head. The rhyming here is a little distracting as it seems childlike and takes away from the mature ideas presented

Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey. I don't think this line adds anything. You could easily get rid of this and "While" in the next line and go along just fine

While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.

Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice. I personally think the poem is a lot stronger if you end on this line and ditch the rest. It leaves a glimmer of hope without being glaringly obvious about it as you are in the following lines

The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable

And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be

And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.



~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.

Overall I think this is a really great start. It has a lot of potential if you cut out the portions that don't add very much to the meaning. Thanks so much for sharing, this is a really lovely poem.

[Krakus]

I think there's a lot of great stuff in here. A lot of the setting or (atmosphere or something) is strong and could be accentuated with a greater focus. 

Mom, why did dad have to leave?
I thought we'd always be a family.

Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?

To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage.

Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"

Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor. -- black eyes and ramen work well for atmosphere. There are a lot of words to get to that though

Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?

Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?

In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim. -- The church and bowed chins create more palpable things that carry weight.

Surrounded by family with bowed chins.

Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him. -- I would avoid cliches such as evil within. 

Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him.

I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head.

Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey.

While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. -- dungeons and dragons is an interesting detail. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.

Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice.

The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable

And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be

And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.



~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.

I don't really know how to tell you how to write. However, I would suggest less rhyming and more details for this.  Just my opinion, depends what other people like though.

An edit is incoming. Thanks for the great advice, and sorry for the delay. I scribble things here and there whenever I can, but lately my time has been short.

[Emz]

Dear Krakus,

I agree with others about the large writing being off-putting, but your rhyming and flow kept your poem moving which is good.

In terms of content, it is an interesting take for the narrator (one victim in the narrative) to express their feelings so harshly to another victim of the story, like the narrator is angrier at another victim rather than the perpetrator. You are telling the story from what feels like very fresh wounds to the character/narrator, and that makes me as a reader feel uncomfortable (which is sometimes the purpose of poetry!). For these reasons I found it an interesting and enjoyable read.

I would be curious to see how you would write these issues from the perspective of a narrator who has had distance from the situation, just enough distance to provide some empathy towards the other characters in the narrative, yet fresh enough to keep us in the story as you demonstrated here. (Best of both worlds, perhaps?)

Emma

[MadelineAnne]

Hello, Krakus.

I feel like you have the beginnings of several different poems in here that are only getting one or two lines. There are several different characters and snippets of different scenes and stories, I think it might be better to break this up into a few separate works then to superficially treat so many at once. Just a thought.
I agree with others that the part about the ramen noodles really comes to life.