-iso EDIT 1

[CRNDLSM]

Edit 1


Self promotion makes me want to puke.
It's necessary if you want to play,
cause even venues have to get their pay,
and I don't want to say, 'my shit's a fluke.'
But I don't want to say, 'I'm freaking great!'
a narcissistic prick, 'hey look at me!'
cause then how could I make you want to see?
'Of course I'll play for free, just pick a date!'

I'll change my name and alter my attire.
I'll even change my whole musical style.
Then each of me can take over a while,
but who's behind the smile, am I a liar?
I'll circumvent the self promotion shame,
but schizophrenic, sick, it's all the same...








Original



Self promotion makes me want to puke.
A necessary notion but disgrace
in case egos shun sharing, saving face
emaciates emotions each rebuke.
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.
Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.
The joke is insecurity prevails.
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame,
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"

[newmystic]

Self promotion makes me want to puke. -----> strong visual opening, also the word "puke" sets a down-to-earth informal tone
A necessary notion but disgrace-------> I think it would be stronger if it read "a necessary notion of disgrace"
in case egos shun sharing, saving face-------->not sure what this line is trying to say. it feels confusing based on what came before.
emaciates emotions each rebuke.--------->because the previous line lost me, so did this one. but I like the sound of "emaciates emotions"
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.---------> I *think* you're saying that art as business is a necessary evil. am I right? "quality sales" 
might make more sense.

Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.---------->feels disconnected. who is doing the provoking and what is it?
The joke is insecurity prevails.-------->I like it, but I need to know the context behind it a bit
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame,-------------------->I like that the artist is being rebellious
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,----------> I feel the sarcasm
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,------------->are the foes the competition that is hogging the spotlight?
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.-------------->sounds like the artist is purposefully abandoning artistic form. am I right?
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame--------------->who is proclaiming? the artist? or is the reader supposed to proclaim it?
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"

I like where this is going. it feels like a sarcastic jab both at critics and competition for regulating form. but it feels a bit incoherent and so I can't exactly determine the subject(s) being addressed throughout. but it did evoke a feeling of sarcastic rebellion. I think it's okay to rebel against form sometimes, but certain rules may still need to be followed to preserve coherency and just so it isn't being abandoned for the sake of being "different".

Matthew

[CRNDLSM]

Thank you for the read new mystic!  This meter is tough.  Yes I will sing it to an audience if it works out.  It's funny because sonnets are a standard form but not for modern music.  If you make music and want to play live you have no choice but to promote yourself, unless you're in a band then you promote the band.  So it really makes me sick, I don't wanna do it, but the pressures are there.  So the volta is supposed to be me buckling and saying 'fine I'll do it!'  And it's a topic that I've never written about so wanted to, naturally.  I will make some edits of your suggestions.  Thanks again!

Self promotion makes me want to puke. -----> strong visual opening, also the word "puke" sets a down-to-earth informal tone
A necessary notion but disgrace-------> I think it would be stronger if it read "a necessary notion of disgrace"
in case egos shun sharing, saving face-------->not sure what this line is trying to say. it feels confusing based on what came before.
emaciates emotions each rebuke.--------->because the previous line lost me, so did this one. but I like the sound of "emaciates emotions"
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.---------> I *think* you're saying that art as business is a necessary evil. am I right? "quality sales" 
might make more sense.

Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.---------->feels disconnected. who is doing the provoking and what is it?
The joke is insecurity prevails.-------->I like it, but I need to know the context behind it a bit
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame,-------------------->I like that the artist is being rebellious
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,----------> I feel the sarcasm
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,------------->are the foes the competition that is hogging the spotlight?
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.-------------->sounds like the artist is purposefully abandoning artistic form. am I right?
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame--------------->who is proclaiming? the artist? or is the reader supposed to proclaim it?
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"

I like where this is going. it feels like a sarcastic jab both at critics and competition for regulating form. but it feels a bit incoherent and so I can't exactly determine the subject(s) being addressed throughout. but it did evoke a feeling of sarcastic rebellion. I think it's okay to rebel against form sometimes, but certain rules may still need to be followed to preserve coherency and just so it isn't being abandoned for the sake of being "different".

Matthew

[Achebe]

Self promotion makes me want to puke.
A necessary notion but disgrace
in case egos shun sharing, saving face .... self promotion is a disgrace in case people stop sharing? 
emaciates emotions each rebuke. ....saving face leads to emotions being emaciated at each rebuke? I don't follow your train of thought here.
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.  ....get the general idea, but can't decipher this line otherwise
Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.  ....A lucid statement. But L2 to L6 are so convoluted, I don't know if you're summarising what you've already said, or saying something new.
The joke is insecurity prevails.
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame, 
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,  ....how does spelling in cursive anoint the lines etc.? I also don't see how a stamp can anoint, looking at the literal meaning of the word
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,  
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.  .... what's a 'shameless frame' supposed to mean? It's just one more dense metaphor tossed in there.
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"  ....trying too hard. does a flame shame? yes, if everyone is naked. but then would they want to hog the lamp? this flame and that lamp - why is the metaphor continuously shifting?

Hi Crndl - it's great to attempt a formal structure, but in this instance I think it's very hard to follow a coherent train of thought, basically because the sentence structure is quite convoluted and appears to exist only to justify the end rhymes.
On the positive side, the lines read smoothly.

[CRNDLSM]

Achebe is extraordinarily astute. Aside from the first line, I was trying to justify the last two lines of rhyme. I think I can make this read, but not sure how without dense metaphors! Thanks for pointing out these things, that's why I'm here!

[rollingbrianjones]

First draft I liked, second in terms of construction I liked more but I thought you actually lost confidence in the edit?
I thought you took on this form without enough willingness to deform, considering your style and subject matter (I actually read this after your excellent critique of a poem I posted where you seemed a bit undecided on my sudden destruction of meter, positive on some not so on others!). 
Perfectly metered sonnets were great in the 19th century, are great if you are addressing some broad romance, are fitting if you are using beautifully and carefully constructed sentences with multiple sonic techniques in every line. But both of these drafts (more so the second, in my opinion stronger one) are colloquial at times, fittingly so considering subject matter- which I understand to be a distant confidence in your words that doesn't always overcome doubt. I'm not sure it's a fitting form for colloquial writing unless you are willing to tease it a little.

I also see a very polite approach to quite a lot of feeling in this. It gives me the understanding that you are not a fan of how things are in terms of spreading your words/work and opportunities and who takes them; perhaps believing that people (without your talent) are on a pedestal or on display due to them being pushy or overconfident rather than actua;;y any good (a notion I agree with!). The line using "freaking"... if you're going to curse then curse properly with strength and effect. I feel your frustration but feel you hold back.

Yet the poem's existence in itself demonstrates a degree of self belief....

Edit 1


Self promotion makes me want to puke. (I love this opening, as I mentioned there is confidence in writing this poem with its meaning in entirety, yet real, genuine self doubt in this line. I get how one can feel both!)
It's necessary if you want to play, (you seem more serious than playing! But I get the imagery, "say" would be another obvious rhyme you could use to get across your frustration at wanting to be heard and understood, rather than just basic attention as play suggests?)
cause even venues have to get their pay, (is this about music or spoken word? Venues don't make money from spoken word anyway! Just drinks, friends and general custom)
and I don't want to say my shit's a fluke.
But I don't want to say I'm freaking great, (not a fan of freaking great... I think if you are intent on keeping within form you need to come up with something more aesthetically and audibly pleasing? Perhaps I'm old fashioned).
a narcissistic prick hey look at me, (do you have people in mind here? Attack them not yourself?
cause then how could I make you want to see?
Of course I'll play for free just pick a date.

I'll change my name and alter my attire.
I'll even change my whole musical style. (I read this and prior line awkwardly)
Then each of me can take over a while, (love "each of me")
until the time I finally retire,
in order to promote each other's game
and circumvent that ever present shame...

First draft I liked, but I thought you took on this form without enough willingness to deform, considering your style and subject matter (I actually read this after your excellent critique of one of a poem I posted where you seemed a bit undecided on my sudden destruction of meter at times!). Perfectly metered sonnets were great in the 19th century, are great if you are addressing some broad romance, are fitting if you are using beautifully and carefully constructed sentences with multiple sonic techniques in every line. But both of these drafts (more so the second, in my opinion stronger one) are colloquial at times, fittingly so considering subject matter- which I understand to be a distant confidence in your words that doesn't always overcome doubt.

I also see a very polite approach to a lot of feeling in this. It gives me the understanding that you are not a fan of how things are in terms of spreading your words/work, and perhaps believe that people (without your talent) are on a pedestal or on display due to them being pushy or overconfident rather than talented.

Yet the poem's existence in itself demonstrates a degree of self belief. 






Original



Self promotion makes me want to puke.
A necessary notion but disgrace
in case egos shun sharing, saving face
emaciates emotions each rebuke.
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.
Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.
The joke is insecurity prevails.
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame,
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"
[/quote]

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks for the critique! 
The first draft took a month to put together I'd never written a sonnet before.  I had a deadline for myself for Saturday, posted my draft on Wed or Thurs  then kicked out the edit in a day.  This website is amazing.  I was just super excited to have rewritten it to what was easier to memorize, easier to understand, and still follow standard sonnet form.  It is about playing live music, crazy business. Basically I have an alter ego now.  I've already committed to a few edits 'who's behind the smile, am I a liar?' Instead of 'til the time I finally retire'
And the last two lines 'I'll circumvent that ever present shame'
'but are we not or am I both the same? Or something like that it's simmering...

First draft I liked, second in terms of construction I liked more but I thought you actually lost confidence in the edit?
I thought you took on this form without enough willingness to deform, considering your style and subject matter (I actually read this after your excellent critique of a poem I posted where you seemed a bit undecided on my sudden destruction of meter, positive on some not so on others!). 
Perfectly metered sonnets were great in the 19th century, are great if you are addressing some broad romance, are fitting if you are using beautifully and carefully constructed sentences with multiple sonic techniques in every line. But both of these drafts (more so the second, in my opinion stronger one) are colloquial at times, fittingly so considering subject matter- which I understand to be a distant confidence in your words that doesn't always overcome doubt. I'm not sure it's a fitting form for colloquial writing unless you are willing to tease it a little.

I also see a very polite approach to quite a lot of feeling in this. It gives me the understanding that you are not a fan of how things are in terms of spreading your words/work and opportunities and who takes them; perhaps believing that people (without your talent) are on a pedestal or on display due to them being pushy or overconfident rather than actua;;y any good (a notion I agree with!). The line using "freaking"... if you're going to curse then curse properly with strength and effect. I feel your frustration but feel you hold back.

Yet the poem's existence in itself demonstrates a degree of self belief....

Edit 1


Self promotion makes me want to puke. (I love this opening, as I mentioned there is confidence in writing this poem with its meaning in entirety, yet real, genuine self doubt in this line. I get how one can feel both!)
It's necessary if you want to play, (you seem more serious than playing! But I get the imagery, "say" would be another obvious rhyme you could use to get across your frustration at wanting to be heard and understood, rather than just basic attention as play suggests?)
cause even venues have to get their pay, (is this about music or spoken word? Venues don't make money from spoken word anyway! Just drinks, friends and general custom)
and I don't want to say my shit's a fluke.
But I don't want to say I'm freaking great, (not a fan of freaking great... I think if you are intent on keeping within form you need to come up with something more aesthetically and audibly pleasing? Perhaps I'm old fashioned).
a narcissistic prick hey look at me, (do you have people in mind here? Attack them not yourself?
cause then how could I make you want to see?
Of course I'll play for free just pick a date.

I'll change my name and alter my attire.
I'll even change my whole musical style. (I read this and prior line awkwardly)
Then each of me can take over a while, (love "each of me")
until the time I finally retire,
in order to promote each other's game
and circumvent that ever present shame...

First draft I liked, but I thought you took on this form without enough willingness to deform, considering your style and subject matter (I actually read this after your excellent critique of one of a poem I posted where you seemed a bit undecided on my sudden destruction of meter at times!). Perfectly metered sonnets were great in the 19th century, are great if you are addressing some broad romance, are fitting if you are using beautifully and carefully constructed sentences with multiple sonic techniques in every line. But both of these drafts (more so the second, in my opinion stronger one) are colloquial at times, fittingly so considering subject matter- which I understand to be a distant confidence in your words that doesn't always overcome doubt.

I also see a very polite approach to a lot of feeling in this. It gives me the understanding that you are not a fan of how things are in terms of spreading your words/work, and perhaps believe that people (without your talent) are on a pedestal or on display due to them being pushy or overconfident rather than talented.

Yet the poem's existence in itself demonstrates a degree of self belief. 






Original



Self promotion makes me want to puke.
A necessary notion but disgrace
in case egos shun sharing, saving face
emaciates emotions each rebuke.
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.
Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.
The joke is insecurity prevails.
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame,
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"

[/quote]

[rollingbrianjones]

I found everything clear as day in the first and second edit, got the live music thing obv, if I didn't make that clear it was because it seemed obvious as it was so clearly put out there. Your reply amused me, a month on the first then a day on the second and to me it reads so much better! Such is writing. Though the time spent originally does show, as you grasp the form seemingly easily. The opening 4-6 lines are technically so much better and still make your point in the second, imo. 

Prefer your suggestions, re: the last couplet, and "behind the smile" edits, already- they're stronger in terms of reading aloud and especially in leaving an open thought at the end, and in pushing the alter ego more on the reader (rather than just a live musician that has confidence in ability but overthinks putting himself out there/performing). I didn't grasp the alter ego part of it from original edits but those suggestions add it with clarity, go for them!

Hope to see a further edit, first effort at a sonnet explains sticking to form, really good first go at one too. Still cringey at "freaking", maybe just me

Be careful with those alter egos though... keep them up long enough you might just lose yourself!!

RBJ