On A Certain Female’s Certain Ignorance Of Love

[rollingbrianjones]

On A Certain Female’s Certain Ignorance Of Love.

To love a girl? A waste of time
Spent better company’d by wine,
Though purple grapes won’t swallow spunk
Unlike her love they leave you drunk.
For wine won’t leave you wanting more,
To ‘couple’ with a doting bore,
Who’ll see her more and fuck her less,
Arrange her life and end her mess.
As through him order she attains,
How long can she suppress the strains?
Her want for passion, red raw highs,
The long for lust between her thighs.
But passion he has! Through cards and flowers,
Tradition, meals and relaxed hours.
Yet flowers are a thoughtless gift-
Memorable? No. Their death is swift.
Excitement? Rarely rolls the rumble
A birthday fuck, a drunken fumble,
And Valentine’s! That day of course,
They smile when they should show remorse.
For that Hallmark day of celebration,
Lingerie and obligation,
Serves its purpose yet portrays
Their staleness on all other days.
But this fine day, romance is clear;
Who cares for their remaining year!
Not she, whilst she is not alone;
Her father, bone and chaperone.
That thing they speak, ‘relationship’-
Without love? Dual custodianship.
She likes his looks and they get on,
But void of heart is it not wrong
To waste rare hours in dire embrace
Of other ‘cause you "liked his face”?
What more a woman could desire?
An easy life, no chance to hire.
The stranger’s glint she can ignore,
Her friends that don’t, she’ll label whores.
Though surely sluts will have more fun,
A greater list of men they’ve done,
They’ll settle down and never sigh
Of a wasted youth with a boring guy.
And who is she? She fucks a man
She does not love and never can.
She knows this yet she fucks him still,
She soils herself with his bleak will.
And in exchange? His dull devotion,
Companionship, his weak emotion.
Every fuck, putrescent pollution
Furthering her from absolution,
From I, this is no persecution-
Relationship, no. Prostitution!

Three years spent, they’ll drift apart,
A tragic waste of her promising heart; 
A heart that sadly she assigned
To beat ‘neath her inhibiting mind.
Romantics true, a dying breed,
Contentment grasped through reason, greed.
And saying such I sound so scornful,
I loved her once. Thus I am mournful.
As to be hers I’d have to change,
My heathen ways I would exchange.
Yet then so boring would I be,
That she now loves, she would not see.
Still therefore she'd not want me,
And I’d not want me neither.

RBJ

[CRNDLSM]

It's hard to pass critique on something so specifically designated.  Another example of when less is more in a title, let my imagination do some work.  For that, I'm not really sure you want to edit.  You obviously put effort into rhyme and meter but there are a few inconsistencies and redundancies.

On A Certain Female’s Certain Ignorance Of Love.

To love a girl? A waste of time
Spent better company’d by wine,
Though purple grapes won’t swallow spunk pretty dirty intro, at least I know what spank is
Unlike her love they leave you drunk.and some drunks swallow spunk
For wine won’t leave you wanting more,I may be an alcoholic, but sometimes I definitely crave more
To ‘couple’ with a doting bore,
Who’ll see her more and fuck her less,are you the bore or someone else
Arrange her life and end her mess.
As through him order she attains,
How long can she suppress the strains?is she strained if her life is arranged or are you projecting?
Her want for passion, red raw highs,
The long for lust between her thighs.
But passion he has! Through cards and flowers,too many syllables, cut out 'through'
Tradition, meals and relaxed hours.
Yet flowers are a thoughtless gift-]not necessarily, I think you're bitter 
Memorable? No. Their death is swift.memrable? Cut out 'their' I'm just balancing syllables
Excitement? Rarely rolls the rumble
A birthday fuck, a drunken fumble,cut out 'a' each time
And Valentine’s! That day of course,
They smile when they should show remorse.smile sometimes sounds like 2 syllables take care
For that Hallmark day of celebration,
Lingerie and obligation,
Serves its purpose yet portrays
Their staleness on all other days.
But this fine day, romance is clear;is this still valentine's or some ambiguous 'other'day
Who cares for their remaining year!
Not she, whilst she is not alone;
Her father, bone and chaperone.
That thing they speak, ‘relationship’-
Without love? Dual custodianship.switching from complaining about other man, to complaining about her dad? Custodianship doesn't seem to flow, syllables...
She likes his looks and they get on,this is still here dad?
But void of heart is it not wrongI think some of these inversions are for meter, doesn't really help with understanding
To waste rare hours in dire embrace
Of other ‘cause you "liked his face”?
What more a woman could desire?
An easy life, no chance to hire.it feels like you're just dragging on
The stranger’s glint she can ignore,
Her friends that don’t, she’ll label whores.
Though surely sluts will have more fun,
A greater list of men they’ve done,
They’ll settle down and never sigh
Of a wasted youth with a boring guy.cut out 'a's and make guy plural
And who is she? She fucks a man
She does not love and never can.I thought you wereally saying just not shes not a slut, 
She knows this yet she fucks him still,
She soils herself with his bleak will.
And in exchange? His dull devotion,
Companionship, his weak emotion.
Every fuck, putrescent pollutionputrescent pollution is my favorite line in here, I think the amount of vulgarity makes the writer look worse than what he's writing about
Furthering her from absolution,
From I, this is no persecution-
Relationship, no. Prostitution!I mean, you say what you gotta say...

Three years spent, they’ll drift apart,
A tragic waste of her promising heart; 
A heart that sadly she assigned
To beat ‘neath her inhibiting mind.I'm sorry but I don't think she assigned her own hearthe and mind, maybe this is what you're really trying to say
Romantics true, a dying breed,
Contentment grasped through reason, greed.contentment through reason is greed?
And saying such I sound so scornful,
I loved her once. Thus I am mournful.these two lines say more than anything previous
As to be hers I’d have to change,
My heathen ways I would exchange.exchange and change are too similar in meaning and sound to rhyme together here.  It's like writing the same line twice for space.
Yet then so boring would I be,funny, like you want to be like the doting bore so that she does see you.
That she now loves, she would not see.she loves, she doesn't love
Still therefore she'd not want me,
And I’d not want me neither.neither? Either? I like how you end it, blunt, no rhyme makes it stand out.

I think you could turn this into a self help piece, abandonment therapy.  But like I said, I'm not sure of you really want to edit..


RBJ

[zorcas]

The problems here are vacillations among condemnation, exploration and explanation, as if the poet were bursting with a need to write while trying to find a unifying theme with  language meandering from borderline formal to blue collar argot the next. Still, empty headed, soulless beauty and its entanglements always deserve a good poem, especially if the one suffering with them may have problems of his own.

[Lizzie]

Hi Brian, I have some thoughts for you. I agree with zorcas that it needs a little more focus -- I think you're trying to cover too many topics. Also, you could condense this to about half of its size without loss of meaning. There is a lot of filler. Ok, onward.

On A Certain Female’s Certain Ignorance Of Love. -- I think the title is ok, except for the second 'certain.' The certain actually weakens the word 'ignorance' by qualifying it.

To love a girl? A waste of time
Spent better company’d by wine,
Though purple grapes won’t swallow spunk
Unlike her love they leave you drunk.
For wine won’t leave you wanting more,
To ‘couple’ with a doting bore, -- it's unclear who the bore is
Who’ll see her more and fuck her less,
Arrange her life and end her mess.
As through him order she attains, -- very awkward sentence structure. I think it's better to utilize some enjambment to get the rhymes where you want them then to twist the words around to make the rhymes fit in a certain position.
How long can she suppress the strains?
Her want for passion, red raw highs,
The long for lust between her thighs.
But passion he has! Through cards and flowers, -- I'm getting a little lost here. We began with the speaker who is presumably the jilted ex, then moved on to talking about her, and now someone (else?) is being referred to, and I don't know if we're moving on to someone new or if the speaker is referring to themselves in a different tense.
Tradition, meals and relaxed hours. --these are not things I associate with passion, but I'll go with it.
Yet flowers are a thoughtless gift-
Memorable? No. Their death is swift. --very choppy because of the question mark and then the end stop.
Excitement? Rarely rolls the rumble -- rolls the rumble? Don't know what this means?
A birthday fuck, a drunken fumble,
And Valentine’s! That day of course,
They smile when they should show remorse. --who are 'they?'
For that Hallmark day of celebration,
Lingerie and obligation, --indeed, good line.
Serves its purpose yet portrays
Their staleness on all other days. --like these two lines, except I don't know what purpose you're asserting that it serves. But, I do like the idea of an artificially amped up romance on that day that creates a stark contrast with the rest of their relationship.
But this fine day, romance is clear;
Who cares for their remaining year! -- These two lines don't say much, and I would cut them. The pace is flagging.
Not she, whilst she is not alone; -- I would stay away from archaic constructions like whilst. If it were an intentionally old fashioned piece, then yes, but here it serves no purpose except to irritate
Her father, bone and chaperone. -- why, oh why is the word bone right next to father??? Simply creepy. *Shudder*
That thing they speak, ‘relationship’-
Without love? Dual custodianship. -- again, very choppy. Also, I still don't know who 'they' is referring to.
She likes his looks and they get on, -- so, from here until my next comment down, are we still talking about the girl in the title, or have we moved on to some hypothetical scenario? I would re-work this so that you're talking about the person you set out to talk about. Keep everything as concrete as possible, because it's starting to feel a little like a sermon. It really lacks immediacy, and, frankly, reads like filler. 
But void of heart is it not wrong
To waste rare hours in dire embrace
Of other ‘cause you "liked his face”?
What more a woman could desire?
An easy life, no chance to hire.
The stranger’s glint she can ignore,
Her friends that don’t, she’ll label whores.
Though surely sluts will have more fun, -- It seems now that we're moving on to talking about sexual politics in general, and moving away from the specified topic of the poem.
A greater list of men they’ve done,
They’ll settle down and never sigh
Of a wasted youth with a boring guy.
And who is she? She fucks a man -- I'm asking this myself. Who is she? Who are we talking about? Not name, address, social security number, but is this still the title girl or some hypothetical girl? So lost.
She does not love and never can.
She knows this yet she fucks him still,
She soils herself with his bleak will.
And in exchange? His dull devotion,
Companionship, his weak emotion.
Every fuck, putrescent pollution
Furthering her from absolution,
From I, this is no persecution- -- 'from I' is very awkward phrasing.
Relationship, no. Prostitution!

Three years spent, they’ll drift apart,
A tragic waste of her promising heart; 
A heart that sadly she assigned
To beat ‘neath her inhibiting mind.
Romantics true, a dying breed,
Contentment grasped through reason, greed.
And saying such I sound so scornful,
I loved her once. Thus I am mournful.
As to be hers I’d have to change,
My heathen ways I would exchange.
Yet then so boring would I be,
That she now loves, she would not see.
Still therefore she'd not want me,
And I’d not want me neither.

RBJ

I'm lost and exhausted. I'll come back and give it another go after you give it an edit. My advice to you is to really boil it down to its essence -- cut anything that isn't pulling its weight. You could even probably chop it into a couple of separate poems if you didn't want to lose any of your content. But, as is, I'm sorry to say that it is wearisome.

I hope this helps.

Best,

lizziep

[rollingbrianjones]

Initially, I'm really grateful and appreciative of this really, really useful and honest feedback- and since signing up to this forum I've tried to give feedback of similar quality (pls feel free to link to anything I should read of yours from past posts). But yeah, really useful.
I said something similar in thanks on another submission so if you've seen that sorry to repeat, but it is a real breath of fresh air so far, especially the feedback from CRNDLSM on this one.
I'm used to an overly emotional response from who I write about/to (this was directly to someone, and given to them), or overcompliments from friends, or complete misunderstanding from those not used to reading into things. Anyway I will address points in reply as much is worthwhile! Thanks all.

---

Thanks for the below. I think you largely got it compared to other comments, thus criticised really, really well. Also you are totally correct in the assumption of my potential reluctance to edit... but reading your comments made me reconsider. So in the right mood I shall have a go!

To summarise, it is written entirely from my point of view, and is only written to one certain female. And addresses only one "doting bore" that was her boyfriend throughout a 6 year affair. Fittingly, my attitude in the poem embodies why it was never more than an affair, without going into detail. But the latter two comments' reaction, rather than yours, are exactly her reaction to me at times, ironically
Then yes it goes on to address society in general, with bitterness. I tend to write this stuff in a fairly incoherent state and rant and rail against things.

It's hard to pass critique on something so specifically designated (it is, but your critique was absolutely excellent).  Another example of when less is more in a title, let my imagination do some work.  For that, I'm not really sure you want to edit (yup you are totally right, but I'm very overindulgent with titles as I want the reader to get it, as it is written to an individual. Clearly subconsciously I know I go OTT with language, without purpose, need to work on that).  You obviously put effort into rhyme and meter but there are a few inconsistencies and redundancies (The inconsistencies are mostly deliberate... the redundancies you later point out I actually agree with mostly! need to work on how others may read what I write. I write to somebody generally but also to be read aloud, and love breaking meter for effect, but where it doesn't have an effect on the reader and just doesn't fit I guess that's a fail! But in general, honestly I do get meter and spoken word, maybe just try too much sometimes and ignore it when it suits me?!).

On A Certain Female’s Certain Ignorance Of Love.

To love a girl? A waste of time
Spent better company’d by wine,
Though purple grapes won’t swallow spunk pretty dirty intro, at least I know what spank is
Unlike her love they leave you drunk.and some drunks swallow spunk (the vulgarity is always 100% deliberate, not for most people I know, but it was to affect the "certain female" it was written to, as it was written to someone quite "proper" yet improper in her conduct with me... she was unwilling to be with me cos of boozing, hence wine won't swallow spunk but it will leave you drunk as long as you wish, whereas she always left me at some point)
For wine won’t leave you wanting more,I may be an alcoholic, but sometimes I definitely crave more (totally agree with this inaccuracy)
To ‘couple’ with a doting bore,
Who’ll see her more and fuck her less,are you the bore or someone else (This comment was great, as I realised I was the bore only after your comment! But at time of writing I saw her partner as the bore, which I mean here... in terms of passionate affair vs her long term boyfriend. But yeah, hah! It's nice to be made to think).
Arrange her life and end her mess.
As through him order she attains,
How long can she suppress the strains?is she strained if her life is arranged or are you projecting? (I sensed the strains and I was her outlet, escape, at time of writing I hoped more. This poem followed a really, really long affair where she was always with a steady, to me boring boyfriend yet against the rest of her life for some reason found me intriguing beyond acceptability and acted on it)
Her want for passion, red raw highs,
The long for lust between her thighs.
But passion he has! Through cards and flowers,too many syllables, cut out 'through' (yes)
Tradition, meals and relaxed hours.
Yet flowers are a thoughtless gift-]not necessarily, I think you're bitter (I see your thought, but my point is every guy gets women flowers. My gifts to her were two mixtape CDs, my football shirt with my name on it that she slept in at my house, a handwritten sonnet sequence [cringe], a unicorn pendant... you get the idea. Their relationship was so ordinary, mine and hers was extraordinary)
Memorable? No. Their death is swift.memrable? Cut out 'their' I'm just balancing syllables (see it, though wanted to emphasise I'm still talking about the flowers, also I actually really liked/like this point as I'm not exactly conventional with this stuff)
Excitement? Rarely rolls the rumble
A birthday fuck, a drunken fumble,cut out 'a' each time (too short then, surely? not sure if you read aloud?)
And Valentine’s! That day of course,
They smile when they should show remorse.smile sometimes sounds like 2 syllables take care (yup- but grin is such an ugly word and I thought smile projects more of an image setting up what I now see as the bitterest part!)
For that Hallmark day of celebration,
Lingerie and obligation,
Serves its purpose yet portrays
Their staleness on all other days.
But this fine day, romance is clear;is this still valentine's or some ambiguous 'other'day (still ranting about vday... zzzzz)
Who cares for their remaining year!
Not she, whilst she is not alone;
Her father, bone and chaperone.
That thing they speak, ‘relationship’-
Without love? Dual custodianship.switching from complaining about other man, to complaining about her dad? Custodianship doesn't seem to flow, syllables... (this is still the same doting bore, I never stop addressing me, her and him. It was meant to imply that he replaces her dad, obv clear to me and no doubt her but considering you have understood the rest of this poem but not this I clearly need to make it clearer, or just rewrite. I ideally was trying to compare him replacing her father as a non sexual male figure... and yeh, custodianship the way i read it does work, but 5 syllable words in a rhythmic poem like this are no-no-no)
She likes his looks and they get on,this is still here dad? (nooo the bf who replaces dad, she spoke to me often of him in this way)
But void of heart is it not wrongI think some of these inversions are for meter, doesn't really help with understanding (yup, totally correct. Mess up meter when I fancy it, say things that don't make sense when I feel like keeping it. Void of heart is wrong, but I assume you did get what it means! But yeh pretty lazy)
To waste rare hours in dire embrace
Of other ‘cause you "liked his face”?
What more a woman could desire?
An easy life, no chance to hire.it feels like you're just dragging on (spot on again, this is awful, why is it there!?)
The stranger’s glint she can ignore,
Her friends that don’t, she’ll label whores.
Though surely sluts will have more fun,
A greater list of men they’ve done,
They’ll settle down and never sigh
Of a wasted youth with a boring guy.cut out 'a's and make guy plural (yes, 100% right again, to general readers. Again as written to one person, I focused on the individual case).
And who is she? She fucks a man
She does not love and never can.I thought you wereally saying just not shes not a slut, (she isn't, my point is she has a long term bf she doesn't really love, yet obviously sleeps with him. But would judge a friend for a one night stand)
She knows this yet she fucks him still,
She soils herself with his bleak will.
And in exchange? His dull devotion,
Companionship, his weak emotion.
Every fuck, putrescent pollutionputrescent pollution is my favorite line in here, I think the amount of vulgarity makes the writer look worse than what he's writing about (again it is meant to be vulgar. Brutal. And I sort of feel/felt I am worse than the subject matter... but if worse, not boring. Really pleased you picked up on that, really not gonna go into it )
Furthering her from absolution,
From I, this is no persecution-
Relationship, no. Prostitution!I mean, you say what you gotta say... (yup )

Three years spent, they’ll drift apart,
A tragic waste of her promising heart; 
A heart that sadly she assigned
To beat ‘neath her inhibiting mind.I'm sorry but I don't think she assigned her own hearthe and mind, maybe this is what you're really trying to say (don't have time or place to go into this, but take my word for it!)
Romantics true, a dying breed,
Contentment grasped through reason, greed.contentment through reason is greed? (great question)
And saying such I sound so scornful,
I loved her once. Thus I am mournful.these two lines say more than anything previous (sorta hoped it was obvious before here :/)
As to be hers I’d have to change,
My heathen ways I would exchange.exchange and change are too similar in meaning and sound to rhyme together here.  It's like writing the same line twice for space. (I actually hated this line most prior to this post and your comment... just at time of writing I wanted to set the last few lines up obviously as this was written to one person with just her in mind)
Yet then so boring would I be,funny, like you want to be like the doting bore so that she does see you.
That she now loves, she would not see.she loves, she doesn't love
Still therefore she'd not want me, 
And I’d not want me neither.neither? Either? I like how you end it, blunt, no rhyme makes it stand out.

On the last few lines, I never wanted to be that guy- just I thought the things she liked about me as an affair were things she was afraid of in terms of a relationship. Neither, either, I thought about that a lot couldn't decide! 

I think you could turn this into a self help piece, abandonment therapy.  But like I said, I'm not sure of you really want to edit..

Very ummm, I don't know the word, observant is a poor one, observant that I'd not want to edit. 
After this critique, it almost isn't a case of not wanting to edit, it's almost a case of not seeing the point as it's specific. I'll try to pick out a few from my archive that are not written for such specific purposes! 

Really good critique, Thanks.

RBJ

RBJ

---

The problems here are vacillations among condemnation, exploration and explanation, as if the poet were bursting with a need to write while trying to find a unifying theme with  language meandering from borderline formal to blue collar argot the next. Still, empty headed, soulless beauty and its entanglements always deserve a good poem, especially if the one suffering with them may have problems of his own.

I'm sort of finding a theme in decent critiques of my writing... that it is a bit self centred or purposeful in terms of being written specifically to another. To me it was written with a really clear message of my romantic interest settling for a stable, convenient relationship whilst carrying on with me for some time on the side, but using excuses such as distance and my drinking (the latter not really an "excuse") to not commit- whilst still enjoying the eccentricities of our relationship. 

The formal to blue collar... I like contrast and at time of writing was heavily influenced by John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester (Satyr Against Reason and Mankind is excellent).

Ty

RBJ

---

I am so sorry to exhaust you! I agree about the title. 

It's written from my point of view, to someone I was seeing, referring to her and her long term boyfriend. That's the "they".

I think maybe with more context you might grab a bit more of it, but it obviously does have too much filler if it isn't clear, as being written from my point of view it is clear to me and was certainly clear to its recipient. Other readers have varied in grasping it I guess... but CRNDLSM seemed to without comment get a pretty gd grasp of it so maybe his then my comments might make it clearer!

Appreciate if you do try it again- and appreciate it obviously needs a bit of work

TY

RBJ

Hi Brian, I have some thoughts for you. I agree with zorcas that it needs a little more focus -- I think you're trying to cover too many topics. Also, you could condense this to about half of its size without loss of meaning. There is a lot of filler. Ok, onward.

On A Certain Female’s Certain Ignorance Of Love. -- I think the title is ok, except for the second 'certain.' The certain actually weakens the word 'ignorance' by qualifying it.

To love a girl? A waste of time
Spent better company’d by wine,
Though purple grapes won’t swallow spunk
Unlike her love they leave you drunk.
For wine won’t leave you wanting more,
To ‘couple’ with a doting bore, -- it's unclear who the bore is
Who’ll see her more and fuck her less,
Arrange her life and end her mess.
As through him order she attains, -- very awkward sentence structure. I think it's better to utilize some enjambment to get the rhymes where you want them then to twist the words around to make the rhymes fit in a certain position.
How long can she suppress the strains?
Her want for passion, red raw highs,
The long for lust between her thighs.
But passion he has! Through cards and flowers, -- I'm getting a little lost here. We began with the speaker who is presumably the jilted ex, then moved on to talking about her, and now someone (else?) is being referred to, and I don't know if we're moving on to someone new or if the speaker is referring to themselves in a different tense.
Tradition, meals and relaxed hours. --these are not things I associate with passion, but I'll go with it.
Yet flowers are a thoughtless gift-
Memorable? No. Their death is swift. --very choppy because of the question mark and then the end stop.
Excitement? Rarely rolls the rumble -- rolls the rumble? Don't know what this means?
A birthday fuck, a drunken fumble,
And Valentine’s! That day of course,
They smile when they should show remorse. --who are 'they?'
For that Hallmark day of celebration,
Lingerie and obligation, --indeed, good line.
Serves its purpose yet portrays
Their staleness on all other days. --like these two lines, except I don't know what purpose you're asserting that it serves. But, I do like the idea of an artificially amped up romance on that day that creates a stark contrast with the rest of their relationship.
But this fine day, romance is clear;
Who cares for their remaining year! -- These two lines don't say much, and I would cut them. The pace is flagging.
Not she, whilst she is not alone; -- I would stay away from archaic constructions like whilst. If it were an intentionally old fashioned piece, then yes, but here it serves no purpose except to irritate
Her father, bone and chaperone. -- why, oh why is the word bone right next to father??? Simply creepy. *Shudder*
That thing they speak, ‘relationship’-
Without love? Dual custodianship. -- again, very choppy. Also, I still don't know who 'they' is referring to.
She likes his looks and they get on, -- so, from here until my next comment down, are we still talking about the girl in the title, or have we moved on to some hypothetical scenario? I would re-work this so that you're talking about the person you set out to talk about. Keep everything as concrete as possible, because it's starting to feel a little like a sermon. It really lacks immediacy, and, frankly, reads like filler. 
But void of heart is it not wrong
To waste rare hours in dire embrace
Of other ‘cause you "liked his face”?
What more a woman could desire?
An easy life, no chance to hire.
The stranger’s glint she can ignore,
Her friends that don’t, she’ll label whores.
Though surely sluts will have more fun, -- It seems now that we're moving on to talking about sexual politics in general, and moving away from the specified topic of the poem.
A greater list of men they’ve done,
They’ll settle down and never sigh
Of a wasted youth with a boring guy.
And who is she? She fucks a man -- I'm asking this myself. Who is she? Who are we talking about? Not name, address, social security number, but is this still the title girl or some hypothetical girl? So lost.
She does not love and never can.
She knows this yet she fucks him still,
She soils herself with his bleak will.
And in exchange? His dull devotion,
Companionship, his weak emotion.
Every fuck, putrescent pollution
Furthering her from absolution,
From I, this is no persecution- -- 'from I' is very awkward phrasing.
Relationship, no. Prostitution!

Three years spent, they’ll drift apart,
A tragic waste of her promising heart; 
A heart that sadly she assigned
To beat ‘neath her inhibiting mind.
Romantics true, a dying breed,
Contentment grasped through reason, greed.
And saying such I sound so scornful,
I loved her once. Thus I am mournful.
As to be hers I’d have to change,
My heathen ways I would exchange.
Yet then so boring would I be,
That she now loves, she would not see.
Still therefore she'd not want me,
And I’d not want me neither.

RBJ

I'm lost and exhausted. I'll come back and give it another go after you give it an edit. My advice to you is to really boil it down to its essence -- cut anything that isn't pulling its weight. You could even probably chop it into a couple of separate poems if you didn't want to lose any of your content. But, as is, I'm sorry to say that it is wearisome.

I hope this helps.

Best,

lizziep

[rollingbrianjones]

Thanks again for all comments on this - had hoped it was one of my more direct and obvious writings but I see there are parts that can be improved in terms of providing clarity to the third party reader. Am work-shopping away, and will repost after taking into account some of the points above. Just this was very personal, and written for someone who upon reading certainly understood it- so am trying to work on making parts clearer to other readers. Working two jobs through December though, so little time for writing!

Thanks again- Lizzie, Zorcas and CRNDLSM, I am slowly improving it.