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I fell in love with a siren
at the helm of a broken ship.
Strapped to the mast,
I tried to resist his song.
then came a northern gale
sails are now torn and down,
my comrades have all jumped.
the ocean devours like quicksand
waters have now colluded
to toss me into the sea.
I guess I drew the shortest straw.
- my friend is Jonah.
still unrepentant, I'm shaking;
my legs wet and wooden,
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Let your conscience be your guide."
collecting my courage
looking the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole.
hands on my chest,
I take a deep breath.
fluid fills my lungs
- Ophelia in the water.
I surrender to the deep,
trusting the Blue Fairy
to come and wake me
before it's too late.
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Hi, welcome to the site.  Enjoyable read. While the line breaks seem strong, they weren't enough for me. I think some additional punctuation would improve the read, so I'm starting with some suggestions below, a place to start if you want to consider it.
Quote:I fell in love with my broken ship .
A tragedy blew through my vessel ;
strapped to the mast
I tried to resist the Siren's song
but my sail is now torn and down .
or
I fell in love with my broken ship,
a tragedy blew rough my vessel.
Strapped to the mast
I tried to resist the Siren's song Personally I'd go with lower case siren, but your poem.
but my sail is now torn and down.
my comrades have jumped Again, you could use either a period or semicolon here.
the waters have colluded
to toss me into the sea I'd probably go with a period above, aligned with the opening, and a semicolon here.
I guess I drew the shortest straw
my best friend is now Jonah Jonah is unrepentant? If so, you can use a period or semi instead of a comma so that you can use a comma after shaking.
unrepentant, I'm shaking
my legs wet and wooden again, some punctuation here.
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Let your conscience be your guide." Love this whole Pinocchio turn.
so collecting my courage
I look the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole
with closed eyes
and hands on my chest
I glide into the stream
as Juliet
Ophelia in the water
I surrender to the deep
and trust the Blue Fairy to
rescue my soul
I stopped partway through, if you want further suggestions, just say so. If you'd prefer to stay mostly unpunctuated I'd suggest you do something further with formatting or something to clarify the read. I know this is lightweight crit and may not be what you are looking for but I feel you are shortchanging the poem by leaving it a bit muddled.
Good luck with it, hope this helps a bit.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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what a lovely and helpful critique. I agree with the need for punctuation. I'm thankful for your kind words as well. sometimes you don't know if what you create will seem awful.
Matthew
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(10-21-2016, 10:04 AM)newmystic Wrote: what a lovely and helpful critique. I agree with the need for punctuation. I'm thankful for your kind words as well. sometimes you don't know if what you create will seem awful.
Matthew
Ha, true dat, but everything's a starting point. I'm sure others will be by with more thorough critique; even if it's harsh run with it and use it to focus your aim. Hope you have fun editing, it's difficult but rewarding.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(10-21-2016, 08:15 AM)newmystic Wrote: I fell in love with my broken ship. A tragedy blew through my vessel. Strapped to the mast I tried to resist the Siren's song. But my sail is now torn and down. My comrades have jumped. The waters have colluded to toss me into the sea. I guess I drew the shortest straw. My best friend is now Jonah. Unrepentant, I'm shaking my legs wet and wooden I cry out to God, "I wish I was a real boy." He says: "Let your conscience be your guide." So collecting my courage I look the whale in the eye. I tell him to swallow me whole. With closed eyes and hands on my chest I glide into the stream as Juliet, Ophelia in the water. I surrender to the deep and trust the Blue Fairy to rescue my soul
You start with your love of a broken ship. It's not clear what the broken ship is a metaphor for - let's say it's your heart. In the second line you're strapped to your own heart, the metaphor fails. Ignoring that, let's see what happens next - you're trying to resist the Sirens' song. Who are these Sirens? Before I can make sense of it, your ship is sinking and you've moved on to Jonah and the whale, before moving on further to a Pinocchio allusion.
Finally, you've got Juliet and Ophelia in there. Ophelia drowned, but Juliet seems to be there by lazy thought association. I don't know what the Blue Fairy is.
I think you need to work on coherence. At the moment, it's just a jumble of unconnected thoughts.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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You start with your love of a broken ship. It's not clear what the broken ship is a metaphor for - let's say it's your heart. In the second line you're strapped to your own heart, the metaphor fails. Ignoring that, let's see what happens next - you're trying to resist the Sirens' song. Who are these Sirens? Before I can make sense of it, your ship is sinking and you've moved on to Jonah and the whale, before moving on further to a Pinocchio allusion.
Finally, you've got Juliet and Ophelia in there. Ophelia drowned, but Juliet seems to be there by lazy thought association. I don't know what the Blue Fairy is.
I think you need to work on coherence. At the moment, it's just a jumble of unconnected thoughts.
[/quote]
the broken ship is a metaphor for the state of depression I'm in. the siren is the attraction of an unhealthy relationship. but I see now that the metaphors sort of merge with each other without much coherence. I will work on that. right now the puzzle pieces are there, but I need to assemble them more coherently, as you said.
Matthew
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I fell in love with my broken ship;
a depression that is anchored to my soul.
then along came a siren;
devilishly handsome and Mexican
five-foot-ten
Strapped to the mast,
I tried to resist his song.
when suddenly a northern gale swept him away,
leaving me in a puddle of tears
and his tune ringing in my ears.
with my sails now torn and down,
my comrades have all jumped.
I sink deeper into the ocean's cloud;
the waters have now colluded
to toss me into the sea;
"I guess I drew the shortest straw," I tell myself.
my best friend is now Jonah.
still unrepentant, I'm shaking,
my legs wet and wooden,
I can't believe the fate that has struck me
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Don't worry. Let your conscience be your guide."
so collecting my courage
I look the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole.
now with closed eyes
and hands on my chest,
I take a deep breath;
I glide into the stream
as Ophelia in the water
I surrender to the deep
and trust the Blue Fairy
to come and rescue my heart;
and wake me up
before it's too late.
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I see this as a vision with literal metaphors. A scientist says things like poetry without art is lame. But I feel you could make the metaphors more literal than they already are. I like the Blue Fairy, and that's a good example. It just would come along and fit, no explanation needed. But lines like, a depression that is anchored to my soul, could be cut out. Not because that one's abstract but because it's too weak for the vision. I take the outside information that your name is mystic, and read the poem mystically rather than merely figuratively. I'm just saying you could strengthen your allusions and metaphors from that approach, and maybe you already are, and in that case, there are no allusions anyway. I also think the Jonah line could be shortened. Something like, My friend is Jonah. Or . . . is now Jonah. But that 'now' makes a funny link. Not funny ha ha, but funny slightly slanted.
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(10-26-2016, 12:00 AM)rowens Wrote: I see this as a vision with literal metaphors. A scientist says things like poetry without art is lame. But I feel you could make the metaphors more literal than they already are. I like the Blue Fairy, and that's a good example. It just would come along and fit, no explanation needed. But lines like, a depression that is anchored to my soul, could be cut out. Not because that one's abstract but because it's too weak for the vision. I take the outside information that your name is mystic, and read the poem mystically rather than merely figuratively. I'm just saying you could strengthen your allusions and metaphors from that approach, and maybe you already are, and in that case, there are no allusions anyway. I also think the Jonah line could be shortened. Something like, My friend is Jonah. Or . . . is now Jonah. But that 'now' makes a funny link. Not funny ha ha, but funny slightly slanted.
what were your thoughts on the original then? I was told that the original was incoherent and the metaphors were confusing. that's why I added the lines you speak of.
Matthew
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I think the problem with all versions is your phrasing. There's too much wordy detail. That's where the art would come in handy. All the things you mention, they'd stand without need for explanation if not for the clumsy phrasing describing the action. That's where you have to be more inventive here.
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I fell in love with a siren
at the helm of a broken ship.
Strapped to the mast,
I tried to resist his song
but my sails are torn and down,
my comrades have all jumped.
the ocean devours
the waters have now colluded
to toss me into the sea;
"I guess I drew the shortest straw," I tell myself.
my friend is Jonah.
still unrepentant, I'm shaking,
my legs wet and wooden,
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Let your conscience be your guide."
so collecting my courage
I look the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole.
now with closed eyes
and hands on my chest,
I take a deep breath;
the fluid fills my nostrils
as Ophelia in the water
I surrender to the deep
and trust the Blue Fairy
to come and wake me
before it's too late.
(10-26-2016, 03:28 AM)rowens Wrote: I think the problem with all versions is your phrasing. There's too much wordy detail. That's where the art would come in handy. All the things you mention, they'd stand without need for explanation if not for the clumsy phrasing describing the action. That's where you have to be more inventive here.
ok, made some more changes. take a third look, if you don't mind.
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It's getting better. I think it would sound better if two of the lines were: fluid fills my nostrils, Ophelia in the water . . . , like that. Getting rid of 'the' and adding that comma and getting rid of 'as'.
While you're at it, it might sound better at the end if it read: trusting the Blue Fairy instead of using 'and'. The use of words like 'and' and 'so' and 'but' can be balanced to strengthen your rhythm, since they're not always necessary.
Posts: 28
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Joined: Oct 2016
I fell in love with a siren
at the helm of a broken ship.
Strapped to the mast,
I tried to resist his song.
then came a northern gale
sails are now torn and down,
my comrades have all jumped.
the ocean devours like quicksand
waters have now colluded
to toss me into the sea.
I guess I drew the shortest straw.
- my friend is Jonah.
still unrepentant, I'm shaking;
my legs wet and wooden,
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Let your conscience be your guide."
collecting my courage
looking the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole.
hands on my chest,
I take a deep breath.
fluid fills my lungs
- Ophelia in the water.
I surrender to the deep,
trusting the Blue Fairy
to come and wake me
before it's too late.
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
You've sharpened your pencil down, but just there and no further. The balance is the issue. You cut out all unnecessary words, but you need still a balance. Else, you just have disparate phrase stacked over top of phrase. The logic and sense are about perfect, the poetry of the matter; but you still have the artful-verse sinking on you throughout. I mean, the poetry is sharp as ever, but your verse is still dull. . . . That may seem worse, but it's better. Just flirt around with the sounds so it comes off less as a stack of crates the ship is carrying and more as the ship itself moving and experiencing. And you.
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cool...that's a neat critique. I'll work on the sound and cadence.
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