Easter Ross 1836

[just mercedes]

Easter Ross 1836            
 
 
Fifty years after the clearances began
an unholy trinity stalks the glens:
 
Eviction, Poverty, Famine
 
The blind sennachie warns us
Make signs against evil eye
too late; the Great Sheep
is already here.
 
From their pulpits, preachers
denounce our wickedness
His providence and mercy
has sent this scourge
to bring you to repentance
 
and leave us to starve,
freezing to death in our fields
or burned alive in our homes;
 
whole villages,
whole bloodlines
annihilated in the time
it takes to nail doors shut
set fire to the cottage
and move on to the next
 
leaving no one to grieve,
no tears, no stones
placed over our bones:
just summer grass,
winter snow, wind
off the lochs
and the Great Sheep’s dung.
 
 
 I was reminded of this poem when I read the Irish famine poem on a thread earlier. I wrote it years ago, just pulled it out again. Any ideas welcome.

[Brownlie]

This whole thing seems pretty tight, making it hard for me to critique it. All I can really do is put up some hypothetical points of critique that may or may not be useful.

Easter Ross 1836            
 
 
Fifty years after the clearances began
an unholy trinity stalks the glens: - do you need the? can you replace it with something?
 
Eviction, Poverty, Famine
 
The blind sennachie warns us
Make signs against evil eye
too late; the Great Sheep
is already here. - do you need already?
 
From their pulpits, preachers - do you need their? Maybe you could use an adjective to describe the pulpits. 
denounce our wickedness - do you need our? Maybe you could find a better word to add to wickedness.
His providence and mercy
has sent this scourge -- do you need has? is the voice of the preacher compromised if you remove it?
to bring you to repentance-- can you cut from here?
 
and leave us to starve, -- If leave is meant to modify preachers then subject/verb agrmnt is good.
freezing to death in our fields - Two prepositions can you condense or get rid of unneeded language.
or burned alive in our homes;
 
whole villages,
whole bloodlines
annihilated in the time
it takes to nail doors shut
set fire to the cottage
and move on to the next
 
leaving no one to grieve, -- no grief?
no tears, no stones
placed over our bones:
just summer grass,
winter snow, wind
off the lochs
and the Great Sheep’s dung. - good last word.
 
 
 I was reminded of this poem when I read the Irish famine poem on a thread earlier. I wrote it years ago, just pulled it out again. Any ideas welcome.

Seems pretty good to me as is, though I know nothing about this time period. Good luck with it.

[just mercedes]

Thanks, Brownlie. I'll think over what you said - do you mean, cut the rest of the poem altogether, from 'repentance'?

It's important to me that there's no person left alive to grieve, which I use to describe the normal death rites, such as grave, burial, and headstone. Unburied bones don't rest easy.

[Brownlie]

Thanks, Brownlie. I'll think over what you said - do you mean, cut the rest of the poem altogether, from 'repentance'?

It's important to me that there's no person left alive to grieve, which I use to describe the normal death rites, such as grave, burial, and headstone. Unburied bones don't rest easy.

No. I'm just talking about that particular line with the word repentance in it. Very low level comments about words you may be able to alter a bit to give them more meaning if you feel it's necessary.

[just mercedes]

[quote='just mercedes' pid='218768' dateline='1476762825']


No. I'm just talking about that particular line with the word repentance in it. Very low level comments about words you may be able to alter a bit to give them more meaning if you feel it's necessary.

Those words in italics are quoted from a sermon in a Free Church of Scotland Church in Evanton in 1836. They struck me as so evil that I preserved them when I came across them, researching my family. I don't know how  important it is, that they stay, or go. I have to think about it. I guess I'm still too invested in the poem's subject, and need to look at what the poem needs now.

[RiverNotch]

Easter Ross 1836            
 
 
Fifty years after the clearances began I'm sorta missing a comma.
an unholy trinity stalks the glens:
 
Eviction, Poverty, Famine And a period.
 
The blind sennachie warns us
Make signs against evil eye And a "the".
too late; the Great Sheep
is already here.
 
From their pulpits, preachers
denounce our wickedness
His providence and mercy
has sent this scourge
to bring you to repentance 
 
and leave us to starve,
freezing to death in our fields
or burned alive in our homes; I think instead of a semicolon, this should be a comma.
 
whole villages,
whole bloodlines
annihilated in the time
it takes to nail doors shut And a comma here, too.
set fire to the cottage And another one.
and move on to the next And another one.
 
leaving no one to grieve,
no tears, no stones
placed over our bones: And another one.
just summer grass,
winter snow, wind
off the lochs
and the Great Sheep’s dung.

I agree that this is already very tight -- most of what I've given you, and perhaps what else I can give you, will be small, some of them nits instead of lice. Lovely, lovely.

[Magpie]

Hi Mercedes, I know that this is an old post but I felt compelled to leave some comments.

Easter Ross 1836            
 
 
Fifty years after the clearances began
an unholy trinity stalks the glens: — Great line. 'stalks the glens' is very evocative of the Highlands
 
Eviction, Poverty, Famine — part of me wants 'and' in between poverty and famine just so it echoes the trinity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit - although it probably reads better without it
 
The blind sennachie warns us — great word choice with 'sennachie' - the use of Gaelic/Scottish words greatly enhance the poem's authenticity
Make signs against evil eye
too late; the Great Sheep
is already here.
 
From their pulpits, preachers — do you need 'their'? - it reads better without it
denounce our wickedness
His providence and mercy
has sent this scourge
to bring you to repentance
 
and leave us to starve,
freezing to death in our fields — I'm tempted to say that 'freezing to death' is a cliche - but I'm probably being too fussy and I understand why you've used it in relation  to the next line
or burned alive in our homes;
 
whole villages,
whole bloodlines — is 'whole' needed in these two lines?
annihilated in the time — good word choice with 'annihilated'
it takes to nail doors shut — it may just be me but 'nail' and 'doors' brings Martin Luther to mind -  could there be another way of saying this
set fire to the cottage — because you have mentioned being 'burned alive in our homes' in the previous stanza I feel that this stanza loses some of its impact, which is a shame because it is a very powerful stanza. Is there a possibilty of somehow swapping these two stanzas, both are necessary to the poem but I feel as though it may work better with this stanza first
and move on to the next
 
leaving no one to grieve,
no tears, no stones — suggest that you could possibly use 'cairn' instead of 'stones', it would fit in with the other Gaelic word choices throughout the poem and avoid the rhyme that seems out of place with the rest of the poem
placed over our bones:
just summer grass,
winter snow, wind
off the lochs — great word choice again, I'll always love a poem that has 'loch' in it
and the Great Sheep’s dung. — at first I liked the use of 'dung' but upon thinking; it could be seen as manure or fertilizer... Although I may have misunderstood your intentions with this line.
 

I agree that the poem is very tight anyway and therefore I am struggling to give a lot of feedback, most of what I have said is me being really fussy. I also haven't critiqued anything for about six months so I'm out of practice.
I don't know how you feel about footnotes with poems but perhaps a footnote to explain where the lines in italics are from may be of use to some readers, it may encourage some people to want to read more about what is a very important subject.

Also, I should add that I live in the highlands of Scotland within 15 miles of Evanton, hence my reason for feeling compelled to comment.

Thanks for the read

Mark

[just mercedes]

Hi Mark - and thank you! This bitter story is handed-down family history. I'm very happy that you know it, and the country. I'll work further on the poem.

The italics is a quote from a sermon quoted in a newspaper article defending the land-owners' rights, at the time. I didn't note where it appeared, but I know where the book is, and I'll find it!