Fields of weeds

[Brownlie]

Whitman Parody 

Song of a sarcastic jackass-- from field of weeds

What I see is also what you see:
Our atoms are equal,
 the grass brushes out bare soles,
and the wind embraces us all.

The energy of nature!
The great miasma which unfolds the cosmos.
The pulsating pall of doom,
The pormanteau - smog.

What I see is also what you see, and I see the sun
exploding over a field of weeds.
The asphixiated spears which crumble beneath my new shoed feet, my sideways glance.

Warble now for end day times.
Sit on the bus as the loudspeaker tells you not to get up, and wait for the boom,
when the motor bursts,
and conflagrations blend in the heat waves on a hot, summer day.

[kolemath]

Not sure I got jackass from this. Perhaps some words are lofty. Voice may be cynical.

Song of a sarcastic jackass-- from field of weeds nature reclaiming

What I see is also what you see: I get this linr repeated and I don't dislike it. What's the point if an I vs you though? Some kind of wacky sage vs naysayers of climate change? A bit unclear here
Our atoms are equal, cool line. Some more detail is an option. Spinning electrons or something
 the grass brushes out bare soles, souls or shoes?
and the wind embraces us all.

The energy of nature! Feels like old romanticism
The great miasma which unfolds the cosmos.
The pulsating pall of doom,
The pormanteau - smog. The lofty section. I guess is works for the wacky sage voice

What I see is also what you see, and I see the sun
exploding over a field of weeds. Good line especially with the later bus blow up
The asphixiated spears which crumble kind of a mixed metaphor
beneath my new shoed feet, my sideways glance. Now above soles makes more sense. Glance though? Is a sideways glance a burial?

Warble now for end day times.
Sit on the bus as the loudspeaker tells you not to get up, and wait for the boom, good stuff. Complacency in climate change I see
When the motor bursts
And conflagrations blend in the heat waves on a hot, summer day.r really a great closing line

The I vs you relationship doesn't really make sense until the end and could be improved early in the poem. Something that brings out the complacency more. Overall a good read
Thanks for sharing

[Brownlie]

Not sure I got jackass from this. Perhaps some words are lofty. Voice may be cynical.

Song of a sarcastic jackass-- from field of weeds nature reclaiming

What I see is also what you see: I get this linr repeated and I don't dislike it. What's the point if an I vs you though? Some kind of wacky sage vs naysayers of climate change? A bit unclear here
Our atoms are equal, cool line. Some more detail is an option. Spinning electrons or something
 the grass brushes out bare soles, souls or shoes?
and the wind embraces us all.

The energy of nature! Feels like old romanticism
The great miasma which unfolds the cosmos.
The pulsating pall of doom,
The pormanteau - smog. The lofty section. I guess is works for the wacky sage voice

What I see is also what you see, and I see the sun
exploding over a field of weeds. Good line especially with the later bus blow up
The asphixiated spears which crumble kind of a mixed metaphor
beneath my new shoed feet, my sideways glance. Now above soles makes more sense. Glance though? Is a sideways glance a burial?

Warble now for end day times.
Sit on the bus as the loudspeaker tells you not to get up, and wait for the boom, good stuff. Complacency in climate change I see
When the motor bursts
And conflagrations blend in the heat waves on a hot, summer day.r really a great closing line

The I vs you relationship doesn't really make sense until the end and could be improved early in the poem. Something that brings out the complacency more. Overall a good read
Thanks for sharing

Hey thanks  for commenting. I think the last part is the best. The rest seems kind of like a random jumble. The idea here was that it would be kind a fussy version of leaves of grass.

[kolemath]

Yeah I can see Whitman now

[Brownlie]

Yeah I can see Whitman now

Big fan of Warble for Lilac Time. Heard it on an audio thing and thought it was good. Reading through some of it can be a slog though.