Paralytically Metaphoric About The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face.

[rollingbrianjones]

Paralytically Metaphoric About The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face.
 
Tempestuous twining embarked, now I turn
To such wining, then whining; my soul will not learn,
And I scream for reform, but my heart wills me not,
Whilst my mind laughs and cries at its morals, forgot.
 
Alas not to sleep, act directed as told.
But to break, to mutate to this monstrous behold,
Which she retinally claws with both fear and contempt,
‘Fore appeasing my rants with her tears often spent
For I. She cannot really spend her hours
In ardent towers of lovers stained with blood,
Or flood my green with flowers of trust and love
Whence with such strength she’s made a stand, and stood.

[dukealien]

Paralytically Metaphoric About The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face.
 

1. Tempestuous twining embarked, now I turn
   
2. To such wining, then whining; my soul will not learn,
   
3. And I scream for reform, but my heart wills me not,
   
4. Whilst my mind laughs and cries at its morals, forgot.
   
   
5. Alas not to sleep, act directed as told.
   
6. But to break, to mutate to this monstrous behold,
   
7. Which she retinally claws with both fear and contempt,
   
8. ‘Fore appeasing my rants with her tears often spent
   
9. For I. She cannot really spend her hours
   
10. In ardent towers of lovers stained with blood,
    
11. Or flood my green with flowers of trust and love
    
12. Whence with such strength she’s made a stand, and stood.
    

With all due respect to a first submission,  this also has the flavor of a parody.  However, giving "serious" in the title its due, to work.

The title brings to mind the myth of Daphne and Apollo, which would harmonize with some of its (to modern readers) archaic features (capitalizing each line, "['f]ore," and the like).  The poem does not, however, seem to refer to this myth except in L1 ("embarked"), and Daphne was virginal rather than libertine.  I see nothing wrong with the capitalization, though it is not favored on this site.

The first stanza (L1-4) makes a certain amount of sense.  L3 and 4 contain inversions ("wills me not" and "morals, forgot") which confuse an already confusing narrative.  Better a steady or appropriate rhythm in blank verse than distortions to produce rhymed couplets, I say.

The second stanza switches to third person narrator from first person.  No problem with that, and the line-space is appropriate to the change, but it should be clearer.  However, L5-8 (including the beginning of L9) are simply incoherent:  "act directed," "monstrous behold," and "retinally claws" do not make sense.  General comment on this below.  "[R]etinally claws" also breaks any rhythm I can hear.

Beginning with L9 (which "I" replaced with "me" could help salvage since this is an enjambment from L8 - but who is "I" or "me" here, Apollo?) you have four lines which can be read as iambic pentameter (allowing "flowers" and "towers" as one syllable each, an attractive internal rhyme) and an imperfect but better than eye-rhyme of "blood" with "stood."  This quatrain is actually rather nice, especially L12, but jarring because the preceding lines are anything but iambic.  You could say that now the lady's turned vegetable she's assumed a more stately, regular (paralyzed?) rhythm, but one suspects you were just getting better at it as the poem progressed.

Bottom line:  This was (for me, at least) very difficult to read and seemed both incoherent and inconsistent.  In my opinion, it should have been submitted in "Novice Poet and Critic" where our friendly critics could have gently unwound its infelicities and encouraged the writer to edit and learn.  Whatever good poetry is, it is not (unless for very good reason) incoherent.  My suggestion is that, since *you* know what you were trying to say, you write it out in clear, telegraphic prose ("Girl hates her immoral past," etc.).  Then write something that seems insipid to you, but has a definite beat and perhaps some rhymes (don't force them), especially internal rhymes - for which you have a real talent or instinct.  Add a little chrome, then submit to Novice or Mild.

I would hate to have received a blistering critique for my first submission, but you have jumped in at the deep end here.  Good luck!

[Leanne]

I find something quite hypnotic about the language in this.  You have, for the most part, good command of meter and the sonics are very soothing, particularly the assonance and alliteration.  I feel that there's something I'm missing, an allusion not quite met.

There are definitely lines that require attention, particularly L6/7 -- I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say but I think it would be improved with:

But to break, to mutate, it is monstrous -- behold!
How she claws with her eyes sparking fear and contempt

(I think you mean that she's clawing with her eyes, rather than at someone else's.  If I've missed the point, I apologise -- if not, then I quite like the odd verb usage.)

L9 falls short on meter due to odd stresses -- when I read it aloud I end up with tetrameter only, despite the syllable count.  The final line, despite being metrically sound, leaves me feeling like the poem is incomplete.  It's not a bad close in and of itself, but I feel that it comes too abruptly, from her being teary and kind of victim-sounding to suddenly having a solid conviction.  Just seems odd.

I don't think this is a scrapper, but it could definitely do with some grounding and possibly a couple more lines to sonnetise it

[CRNDLSM]

I can't really follow with worthwhile criticism about your work, but I think your title could use adjusting. Paralytically Metaphoric is fun to think about, Im still trying to decipher it, but as the only words I don't understand in themselves, I don't think it belongs here. The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face sounds nice, matches other descriptions, but also sounds tired. Hope this is useful

[rollingbrianjones]

Thank you for the feedback on this- especially Dukealien. I posted in the serious critique not the mild or novice exactly to receive feedback as you have given above.

I often find it v.difficult to not "overwrite" (I.e the parts that are clearly incoherent to the unintended reader) so wanted to see what experienced readers would pick up on. Most of my writing  has always been for someone specific, who'd grab the meaning. And obviously as the writer I know the meaning behind every line- but what use is that if others do not? :

I'll clarify a few things when I am using a computer (rather than as now, my phone) but thanks again as that feedback really did pretty comprehensively answer my wonderings on how self centred my writing is!

And also just to let you know I'm a meter/structure pedant- I do get them entirely- and I break them quite a bit purposefully. I mean, what's order without a bit of chaos

Ty for your time. Genuinely impressed with insight, definitely think finding this community was a gd move.

RBJ

[rollingbrianjones]

As mentioned^, am now on my computer, and only as this was my first post, I'll give a brief explanation (largely as I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply). As I previously said, the feedback showed me it is too self involved. Almost a language exercise to portray a v personal experience, to the point the reader will not get it (not that I always believe poems should be straight meaning and not ambiguous) and reading it back after the v useful critique I pretty much immediately realised this.

Paralytically Metaphoric About The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face. 
I'm sometimes one for long accurate titles. Para met was the state in which it was written. The negativity of the ever favoured face is a woman that I still believe was the "one" (cringe). She asked me to go a birthday and not drink to prove to her that it wasn't an issue, but when she arrived I had a drink in each hand- and the look she gave me haunts me to this day. Hence neg of a ever favoured face.
 
Tempestuous twining embarked, now I turn
To such wining, then whining; my soul will not learn, these lines are meant to give the impression of thrashing between boozing and not wanting to.
And I scream for reform, but my heart wills me not,
Whilst my mind laughs and cries at its morals, forgot. these two lines are emphasising not wanting to do it, but eventually I always do

Alas not to sleep, act directed as told. she told me not to drink...
But to break, to mutate to this monstrous behold, drunkenness- the monstrous behold is her seeing me like that
Which she retinally claws with both fear and contempt, retinally claws, is her looking
‘Fore appeasing my rants with her tears often spent
For I. She cannot really spend her hours
In ardent towers of lovers stained with blood, stained in blood, metaphorically, after what's happened
Or flood my green with flowers of trust and love
Whence with such strength she’s made a stand, and stood. These last 5 lines are a massive, disbelieving whinge, thinking that perhaps things ended because once she gave a no drink ultimatum which I failed there's no going back for her as she was proud, and 100 times a better person than I. Think I got carried away just wanting to write a pretty ending tbh.

First person/third person - First person voice is the writer, "she" is talking about the woman. BUT I'VE COMPLETELY REALISED HOW UNCLEAR HOW THE "SHE" OF THE POEM FITS IN (TO A READER IGNORANT OF THE S May try tinkering to make the situation more obvious.

Anyway hope that clears some things! As I said, only explained just to perhaps give some insight won't make habit of it

Thanks again