The lay of Gárinbàr

[IgorSShute]

Little backstory: We're talking about dwarves who solely lived in caves and only contact they had with the outside world was simple trade with elves. This is, in short, the "birth" (not that much detailed) and fall of their kingdom once the beasts were woken in the great abyss. This is the first of this kind that I have written, so please be a bit constructive when you rip it to shreds. Enjoy.





The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr,
My King below the earthly light,
of realms, of halls with all their might.
A host of dwarves, all strong, none wrong
led he, foremost, with sword and song.
We dwelt within the grandest town,
secure beneath his sturdy crown,
the Golden Helm, whom we belong,
protecting us for ages long.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr,
My King had lived in halls of gold,
on throne he sat in chambers cold.
From barrels full of finest wine,
that brought was by the elven kind,
he drank himself, through tale’s unfold,
of o’r protector, Gárin Bold.
Though not before we show design,
that dwarven kinsmen hold divine.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King whose home was wrought in stone
beneath, where sun had not yet shone,
with lanterns crowned by Áldebàr
withheld the light of shining star.
Through eerie caves had long it flown,
the darkest lonely river’s own
resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.
 
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King, the demons fled from chain,
each hall became a bloody drain,
from dwarves that fought in lands,
that never touched the human hands,
where dwarves of honored kins were slain,
were left to orcs who long had lain,
in pits, in caves by Barun’s rule,
until the day we woke the ghoul.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King had gathered all the dwarves,
and seek did aid from kings of elves.
Alas, it was to no avail,
for forest dwellers left us bale.
The Queen of Green, Alei the fair,
did barely show but little care.
They left us fighting all alone,
and our future left unshown.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who still had never failed,
prepared to have again assailed,
the foes that came from holes beneath,
with axes, bows, with swords in sheaths.
We hoped to qucikly have prevailed,
yet luckless we to have travailed,
in battles long, for losses vast,
then rallied we to make offense.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King prepared his final stand,
with Lords like Erno he to fend
and Lános, Láhos, Láhnder all,
he wished to have them never fall.
With Vilmon marched the sons of Dees
Behind the King was Aldir Rees
Who first did fall from arrow’s kiss,
Still soldiers marched without remiss.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who struck the orcan horde
The greenest blood now spilled on sword.
A silver broad two men would hold
Did bear the hands of Gárin Bold.
And mighty King of dwarves may be,
But arrow made of blackest tree
Had tougher head than Dagen’s cage,
And thus the first did just enrage.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
The King was fell by second smite.
It fell him hard without a fight
Yet marched we on towards the light
Behind the orcs it shone so bright
Once blood was spilled that glossy star
His spirit now the sky had scarred
And watched upon as victors are
The dwarves they were of Gárinbàr.

[Achebe]

Hi Igor - just a few thoughts below.
I think that in a ballad or in narrative poetry, you can explore other devices for keeping the rhythm going: rhyme is just one of them.
The monotonous iambic tetrameter and forced rhymes tired me out by the middle.
Good luck.

Little backstory: We're talking about dwarves who solely lived in caves and only contact they had with the outside world was simple trade with elves. This is, in short, the "birth" (not that much detailed) and fall of their kingdom once the beasts were woken in the great abyss. This is the first of this kind that I have written, so please be a bit constructive when you rip it to shreds. Enjoy.





The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr,
My King below the earthly light, ...why the capitalisation?
of realms, of halls with all their might. ...a comma after halls, and 'our' instead of 'their' might make sense. Otehrwise, it sounds like  'halls with all their might', which is strange.
A host of dwarves, all strong, none wrong 
led he, foremost, with sword and song. ....The 'none wrong' just bulks out the line to fit the rhyme. the 'sword and song' does the same. Predictable.
We dwelt within the grandest town,
secure beneath his sturdy crown,
the Golden Helm, whom we belong, ....'whom'?
protecting us for ages long. ..predictable rhymes as before
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr,
My King had lived in halls of gold,
on throne he sat in chambers cold. ...the 'cold' is a pointless adjective and is obviously there only to rhyme with 'gold'
From barrels full of finest wine,
that brought was by the elven kind,
he drank himself, through tale’s unfold, ....did you mean through "this tale's unfolding"? I can't make sense of this line
of o’r protector, Gárin Bold. 
Though not before we show design, 
that dwarven kinsmen hold divine. ....I can't make sense of these two lines. Did you mean that the king did not drink the wine until you showed him designs?
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King whose home was wrought in stone
beneath, where sun had not yet shone, ..the sun. I know it doesn't help the meter, but you can't drop the article.
with lanterns crowned by Áldebàr ...where
withheld the light of shining star. ... "a"
Through eerie caves had long it flown,
the darkest lonely river’s own
resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.
 
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King, the demons fled from chain,
each hall became a bloody drain,
from dwarves that fought in lands,
that never touched the human hands,
where dwarves of honored kins were slain,
were left to orcs who long had lain,
in pits, in caves by Barun’s rule,
until the day we woke the ghoul.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King had gathered all the dwarves,
and seek did aid from kings of elves.
Alas, it was to no avail,
for forest dwellers left us bale.
The Queen of Green, Alei the fair,
did barely show but little care.
They left us fighting all alone,
and our future left unshown.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who still had never failed,
prepared to have again assailed,
the foes that came from holes beneath,
with axes, bows, with swords in sheaths.
We hoped to qucikly have prevailed,
yet luckless we to have travailed,
in battles long, for losses vast,
then rallied we to make offense.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King prepared his final stand,
with Lords like Erno he to fend
and Lános, Láhos, Láhnder all,
he wished to have them never fall.
With Vilmon marched the sons of Dees
Behind the King was Aldir Rees
Who first did fall from arrow’s kiss,
Still soldiers marched without remiss.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who struck the orcan horde
The greenest blood now spilled on sword.
A silver broad two men would hold
Did bear the hands of Gárin Bold.
And mighty King of dwarves may be,
But arrow made of blackest tree
Had tougher head than Dagen’s cage,
And thus the first did just enrage.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
The King was fell by second smite.
It fell him hard without a fight
Yet marched we on towards the light
Behind the orcs it shone so bright
Once blood was spilled that glossy star
His spirit now the sky had scarred
And watched upon as victors are
The dwarves they were of Gárinbàr.

[Brownlie]

Hey, I like fantasy, but the people who are really into it are probably major nerds, which means they'll look for: original end rhymes, sentence structure that's not contorted to sound old timey, and language that is concise.

I gave some comments that might help you start editing, or they may not if I'm being a total d hole. Good luck. I hope you do well. 

Little backstory: We're talking about dwarves who solely lived in caves and only contact they had with the outside world was simple trade with elves. This is, in short, the "birth" (not that much detailed) and fall of their kingdom once the beasts were woken in the great abyss. This is the first of this kind that I have written, so please be a bit constructive when you rip it to shreds. Enjoy.





The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr, --Work on sentence structure. We were the dwarves of garbinbar. Keep in mind were is a relatively weak verb as well.
My King below the earthly light, -- not sure about earthly light? earth is not generally a source of light. Do dwarves live in the earth?
of realms, of halls with all their might.
A host of dwarves, all strong, none wrong
led he, foremost, with sword and song.
We dwelt within the grandest town,
secure beneath his sturdy crown,
the Golden Helm, whom we belong,
protecting us for ages long. -- ages = something that is long. so ages long is redundant.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr,
My King had lived in halls of gold,
on throne he sat in chambers cold.
From barrels full of finest wine,
that brought was by the elven kind,
he drank himself, through tale’s unfold,
of o’r protector, Gárin Bold.
Though not before we show design,
that dwarven kinsmen hold divine.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King whose home was wrought in stone
beneath, where sun had not yet shone,
with lanterns crowned by Áldebàr
withheld the light of shining star.
Through eerie caves had long it flown,
the darkest lonely river’s own
resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.
 
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King, the demons fled from chain,
each hall became a bloody drain,
from dwarves that fought in lands,
that never touched the human hands,
where dwarves of honored kins were slain,
were left to orcs who long had lain,
in pits, in caves by Barun’s rule,
until the day we woke the ghoul.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King had gathered all the dwarves,
and seek did aid from kings of elves.
Alas, it was to no avail,
for forest dwellers left us bale.
The Queen of Green, Alei the fair,
did barely show but little care.
They left us fighting all alone,
and our future left unshown.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who still had never failed,
prepared to have again assailed,
the foes that came from holes beneath,
with axes, bows, with swords in sheaths.
We hoped to qucikly have prevailed,
yet luckless we to have travailed,
in battles long, for losses vast,
then rallied we to make offense.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King prepared his final stand,
with Lords like Erno he to fend
and Lános, Láhos, Láhnder all,
he wished to have them never fall.
With Vilmon marched the sons of Dees
Behind the King was Aldir Rees
Who first did fall from arrow’s kiss,
Still soldiers marched without remiss.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who struck the orcan horde
The greenest blood now spilled on sword.
A silver broad two men would hold
Did bear the hands of Gárin Bold.
And mighty King of dwarves may be,
But arrow made of blackest tree
Had tougher head than Dagen’s cage,
And thus the first did just enrage.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
The King was fell by second smite.
It fell him hard without a fight
Yet marched we on towards the light
Behind the orcs it shone so bright
Once blood was spilled that glossy star
His spirit now the sky had scarred
And watched upon as victors are
The dwarves they were of Gárinbàr.

[heslopian]

You clearly have a strong sense of image and a passion for mythology, so there's a lot of promise here, but the grammar is warped and twisted to a point where the writing just feels clumsy, forced into ill-fitting clothes, and bursting at the seams. If I was to list all of the outright grammatical mistakes this post would be very long, so I've compiled a list from about the first half to give you an idea:

*"all strong, none wrong", Line 4; this isn't actually grammatically incorrect, it just feels very clumsy and amateurish because the second half of that extract feels like it was jammed in to force a rhyme and reach an arbitrary line length

*"whom we belong", L8; this should be "to whom we belong", although I do like that you wrote "whom" instead of "who"; so many (including myself) get that wrong

*"that brought was by the elven kind", L14; I'm guessing this jumbled line (it should, as I'm sure you know, be "that was brought") was written this way to fit a rhythm you had in your head; unless you're following an established poetic form (i.e. sonnet, villanelle etc.) or even just blank verse, it's unwise to force your language around a rhythm only you can hear

*"through tale’s unfold", L15; apostrophe not needed, as word should be plural, not possessive or abbreviative

*"resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.", L26-7; there's actually nothing wrong with this one, I just bring it up to add a positive to this list, because although it's far from perfect it does illustrate a rhythm accessible to the reader, and doesn't twist grammar two egregiously

*"yet luckless we to have travailed", L52; I marked this up as wrong, but reading it again it's actually grammatically acceptable; I guess the twisted grammar used throughout was blinding me to what did make sense at this point

You have the bones of a really good poem here. As I said earlier, there's a lot of promise, in your imagery, your knowledge of myth, and your storytelling skill. I think what would help immensely is if you decided which events in the story are absolutely necessary to its telling (the mention of the caves, the felling of the king, and so on), rip out everything else, then start afresh in either an established form (like a sonnet) or free verse, making sure each sentence (not just the lines, but where the full stops come in) flows like straight prose would.

My critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx