While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet: the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red - antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Edit 3
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Edit 2
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Edit 1
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant.
Black, bulging goggles also helped to plant
this likeness; his set jaw rejected pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
original version;
This morning, riding home, I met a man
or, rather, did not meet - the man was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of solid sidewalk if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
his round, black glasses also served to slant
my thinking to; his face rejected pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
This morning, riding home, I met a man riding home in the morning? unexpected
or, rather, did not meet - the man was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find interesting word order from 'twisting' to 'find' --well done
of solid sidewalk if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane these lines confuse me; maybe it's in the conditional introduced by 'if.' maybe 'as if his faith outran?' if you use 'if' then I expect an 'then;' if you open a conditional statement, I expect the read the consequence of the condition; (take these lines as examples?); anyway, i love the idea of faith outrunning a cane: this captures blind movement brilliantly
striped white and red, antenna of an ant great image
his round, black glasses also served to slant maybe instead of 'glasses' something to keep the ant comparison going?
my thinking to; his face rejected pain. too? i'm not sure about 'thinking to' --interesting idea, being fed up with a disability in the facial description
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street: O.K., riding a bike; i didn't get that in the first line
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires normally i would say keep the participles parallel, but i like the rhythm of combining the -ing and -ed here
and make of us a pair of witting liars good work admitting the speaker is a liar without saying so directly
who passed on by, pretending not to meet? i didn't like the L2 until i got here; now i get it
This morning, riding home, I met a man -- I think you could play with the syntax here. Riding home in the commas makes the line less direct. Not sure if there is really a better solution though.
or, rather, did not meet - the man was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of solid sidewalk if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant -- I don't understand antenna of an ant. Could be just me.
his round, black glasses also served to slant
my thinking to; his face rejected pain. -- Consider using imagery before "his face rejected pain" that clearly supports the conclusion. What you have may be what you want to say, but I'm just offering hypothetical places to revise.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet? -- I like the epiphany at the end. But what motive does this blind man have for thinking you ignored him? Like the poem, just offering food for thought.
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant.
Black, bulging goggles also helped to plant
this likeness; his set jaw rejected pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Thanks to both @kolemath and @Brownlie. The edit incorporates as much of your valuable suggestions as possible. Glad you liked it.
@kolemath - I've tried to make the conditional more regular in L4 at the expense of the more concrete (g) "sidewalk." As well as bringing the bicycle onstage early.
@Brownlie - followed your idea of showing (at first) rather than telling his expression/emotional state, and others.
What I'm trying to get across is that I failed in a social duty to give (audible) greeting as well as physically dodging the man... then (as @kolemath accurately noted) try to deflect some (half) of the guilt for failing to render courtesies onto him since he (with unspoken stereotype of enhanced other senses) may have known I was there. So his motivation would be that we're polite people.
A proper start to the transaction (which I've used with this same person when there was no way to dodge) would be, "Good morning! Passing on your left." To which he would answer, "Good morning!" and restrict the sweep of his cane (and possibly stop) until I was past (perhaps with a "Thank you!" from me to show I was clear). Being polite isn't hard; sometimes I just get lazy.
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind. Nice intriduction, clearly identifies the characters and their relations.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran “when and if his faith outran" does this mean he doesn't entirely trust the cane?
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant. Very nice comparison there, well thought out.
Black, bulging goggles also helped to plant
this likeness; his set jaw rejected pain. Did you mean his likeness, or were you carrying on the ant comparison?
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars I don't see how you riding past made him a liar, but maybe that's just me.
who passed on by, pretending not to meet? These last four lines really hit home with me.
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Thanks for the fine critique, @Alic Eliot! You convinced me to rip out L7-8 and rebalance them; they just weren't working. Hope the short enjambment isn't too abrupt.
Frankly, I'm a bit taken with the closing quatrain. Aside from its loopy inner couplet rhyme (which depends on regional pronunciation), the poem was headed toward a sonnet but seemed not to need another two lines. Critics who don't get the evaded social transaction there seem to get it in the end, so stet for now.
Thanks again!
(09-05-2016, 02:45 AM)Alic Elliot Wrote:
(09-04-2016, 11:10 AM)dukealien Wrote: Edit 1
Unmet
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind. Nice intriduction, clearly identifies the characters and their relations.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran “when and if his faith outran" does this mean he doesn't entirely trust the cane?
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant. Very nice comparison there, well thought out.
Black, bulging goggles also helped to plant
this likeness; his set jaw rejected pain. Did you mean his likeness, or were you carrying on the ant comparison?
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars I don't see how you riding past made him a liar, but maybe that's just me.
who passed on by, pretending not to meet? These last four lines really hit home with me.
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of safety when and if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Loving the revamped ant comparison in L4-L7. Easier to read, as well. I personally don't believe that this poem is up for much more improvement. With the clear imagery, well placed punctuation, and proper grammar, I don't have anything to critique you on. I'm glad my previous crit helped you clean up the ant comparison.
I like your poem, you have a wicked rhythm here. It's already pretty tidy, but I have a minor gripe with that fourth line 'of safety when and if his faith outran'. It trips a bit for me, I guess I feel like 'a find of safety' and 'when and if his faith outran' feel a bit odd with no punctuation between them. 'A find of safety' is nice, so I'd probably slightly rephrase the rest of the line (I'm not sure a full stop alone would work)
This is really a fantastic poem. I love the concept here of not really meeting someone if you don't see or acknowledge them in the first place. This extended metaphor of a sort of insectile blind man emphasizes to me a certain level of strength that comes with being blind—not just physical/sensory, but emotional strength. I noticed on my third read that you used an ABBA rhyme scheme and wrote this in iambic pentameter, which was so subtle I never would have noticed! Below are just a few comments at the level of the line.
(09-02-2016, 10:41 PM)dukealien Wrote: Unmet
Edit 2
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find|Crabbed is such a great verb here, I can really see this man scuttling down the sidewalk.
of safety when and if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane|Describing the cane as "questing" was very evocative. Illustrates this man's perpetual search.
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.|Im curious here as to what kind of pain this man might be rejecting. Emotional? Physical?
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars|Brilliant. The fact that you call the bike a 'witting liar' as well helped put me in the blind man's eye. (Pun intended.)
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
@Donald Q. - You're right about L4, it should be made clearer. Thinking on it... Thanks for the good critique.
@Vox_Nihilis - It may be a typo, or you may not have quite got the full blame-casting tangle in the last quatrain (did you mean "biker?") If so, my lines should be made clearer. And thanks for the compliments, not noticing the rhyme scheme is particularly flattering.
(09-12-2016, 05:52 AM)dukealien Wrote: @Donald Q. - You're right about L4, it should be made clearer. Thinking on it... Thanks for the good critique.
@Vox_Nihilis - It may be a typo, or you may not have quite got the full blame-casting tangle in the last quatrain (did you mean "biker?") If so, my lines should be made clearer. And thanks for the compliments, not noticing the rhyme scheme is particularly flattering.
@dukealien, I assumed that you were referring to both you and the inanimate bike as "witting liars," though if there was another implied biker with you then I may have totally missed that.
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
[quote='dukealien' pid='215807' dateline='1472823673']
the edit is strong; i'm only confused about one line
Unmet
Edit 3
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant this is a long sentence, nearly half the poem, with many nouns competing for the sentence's meaning. most of it works for me, until glasses suggest. this seems out of place in the sentence, as the cane seems to first suggest, to my reading.
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet: the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red - antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
(09-16-2016, 09:46 PM)kolemath Wrote: the edit is strong; i'm only confused about one line
Unmet
Edit 3
...
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant this is a long sentence, nearly half the poem, with many nouns competing for the sentence's meaning. most of it works for me, until glasses suggest. this seems out of place in the sentence, as the cane seems to first suggest, to my reading.
he scuttled, ..
Embarrassed to respond with such a tiny edit for a good critique - hope the altered punctuation breaks up the run-on sufficiently. Thanks!
I really enjoyed this piece (I'm responding to Edit 4, by the way); it's an extremely elegant and eloquent evocation of a moment, to which it adds so much depth and fun reflections in its sharp, precise, and memorable metaphors/similes. My only objection is to the word "witting", which feels clumsy. Would "twittering liars" make more sense and flow a little neater. Just a thought. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Non-practicing atheist
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