If I could crawl out of it
I would
Undress it
Until its good
But I can't leave this house
The doors are locked
From the outside
I'm baricaded
My heart is raided
They got in
But I can't get out
I dont feel like him
I dont act like her
Vultures coming
What will they eat now
When there's nothing left but fur
I didn't want it
Anyway...
They say
Hopeless romantic
But im hopeful through panic
And soft nostalgia
Comforts my bruised neck
These rooms are empty
But there's so many voices
Bodies
Treating my bedrooms like lobbies
Congregating
As if I'm not here
They walk around me
Over me
In me and crush me
I just want to whisper
But they scream and depart
I'm locked up in vanity's
Department store shopping Cart
Being pushed around
For someone else's glamour
Kisses hurt like slams
Of a hammer
I never get to say goodbye
Furniture keeps breaking
My hands keep shaking
I can't find the keys
To my own home
So where is my window
Where is my phone
Can I reach the places
Where I'm not alone?
Who am I in here?
Where would I be out there?
They laugh
They stare
They're wearing my underwear
Eating my food at my table
And they didn't even ask my name
I need something
To get me dreaming
Again...
I dont want to persist
I want to exist
In a space
In a time
That's mine
Will this ever feel like home again?
I wish I were home
I wish I were home
I wish I were home...
But I'm already there.
-isayaah D.MYST parker
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
hello, myst. I like the idea of a poem video. Did you use a particular software for this?
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
I didn't get much from this one. I read it five times and all I could remember was the department store shopping cart line. To me it just reads like someone saying whatever comes into their head. I guess that's what is called improv.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
Poems like this, like lyrics to some songs, don't read that well on paper.
They're really designed to be spoken, to be performed.
And it's well performed. I closed my eyes and listened and it sounded good.
There are some lines I'd edit a bit, a few cliches I'd take out.
And the delivery needs to have some softer parts to add contrast to the
stronger ones.
But that said, I was really impressed with the delivery, and with that,
the poem as a whole.
Would love to see more of your stuff.
Ray
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
a great voice and some really great lines but there's also many lines that don't work.
Where would I be out there?
They laugh
They stare
They're wearing my underwear
almost made me snigger, apart from the fact it's a bit funny, it's also a little forced as though you didn't consider anything else and just went for the rhyme
Kisses hurt like slams
Of a hammer
excellent lines with good sonics that don't feel forced. the simile works hard in getting the image across unlike the underwear lines. in general it's a well read piece that needs a bit of an edit.
