Melancholia

[bluegypsea]

clouds hunger for the eager rain 
while weeping with vivid fear, 
the passionate storm sweeps over gloom 
and thirsts for crushing pain; 
causing a gentle shame 
and imperfect guilt, 
meddling thunder assumes remorse 
briskly appointing lackluster blame; 
welcoming profound regret 
the rolling clouds create a striking fear, 
and feed from untold pain 
sadness overshadows the impending threat; 
painting blacks and greys and woe 
make for shadows of approaching guilt, 
conscience begs reprieve from misery 
fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow; 
a shock of embellished fear 
becomes a vessel for shame, 
a hardened plea for loss of ill repute 
and all that you hold dear; 
thunder strikes terror 
into the heart of guilt, 
a cold,sticky rain 
inflicts blinding pain without error; 
an unknown degree of pain 
will cut the lines of shame, 
barren soil accepts the torrents 
but shuns the crimson stain; 
festering in the mask of guilt 
and shifting the sphere of unwitting horror 
into a brainwashing of fear 
over this slippery rose left to wilt; 
making for a shining admission of anguish 
an ostracized shame 
begins to recognize the weary gloom 
and cause the spirit to languish; 
the gentle tides of fear cascade into shame 
a morbid pain gives way to gloom, 
a solid congruence of guilt and pallid rain 
begin to melt into one and the same.

[Erthona]

Ends line with "shame" five times
Ends line with "guilt" four times
Ends line with "fear" four times
Ends line with "pain" three times  ("pain" used six times altogether)
Ends line with "gloom" three times

Aside from the repetition this is one dependent clause stacked upon another and another and another...
Dependent clauses do not generally convey much meaning when isolated from a sentence and that is the case here.

This is an interesting statement "fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow".
I was unaware peacefulness could be fabricated from rain, even metaphorically.
To fabricate: in general terms, to construct from.
Still, one of the better lines.

The plethora of dependent clauses makes for general meaninglessness, which is only increased in it's noisiness by the over repetition of words and phrases, not to mention the abundance of cliches. I have no idea what the writer is attempting, but the actual meaning present could probably be encapsulated into four to six lines.

That there is no set, setting or character to which to apply this, not to mention the writing being a total abstraction, makes it even more stupefyingly. 

Best,

dale

[just mercedes]

Hi - I would like to see this poem minus all the '-ing' words, adjectives, repeated words, and abstract nouns. Take another look at the skeleton and see if it says what you wanted to say. Your poem starts with a good concrete image, of storm and rain. You could try extending that metaphor with more images, rather than abstractions such as 'a shining admission of anguish / an ostracized shame'

[bluegypsea]

Ends line with "shame" five times
Ends line with "guilt" four times
Ends line with "fear" four times
Ends line with "pain" three times  ("pain" used six times altogether)
Ends line with "gloom" three times

Aside from the repetition this is one dependent clause stacked upon another and another and another...
Dependent clauses do not generally convey much meaning when isolated from a sentence and that is the case here.

This is an interesting statement "fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow".
I was unaware peacefulness could be fabricated from rain, even metaphorically.
To fabricate: in general terms, to construct from.
Still, one of the better lines.

The plethora of dependent clauses makes for general meaninglessness, which is only increased in it's noisiness by the over repetition of words and phrases, not to mention the abundance of cliches. I have no idea what the writer is attempting, but the actual meaning present could probably be encapsulated into four to six lines.

That there is no set, setting or character to which to apply this, not to mention the writing being a total abstraction, makes it even more stupefyingly. 

Best,

dale

Thanks for your input!  To be honest, this poem started out as a particular form of poetry, instead of just a bunch of independent clauses stuck together (this is a really old one, so I cannot remember what form it was originally intended to take).  I think, when I edited it, I just butchered it... lol.  I will work on creating a setting/character that is easily understood.  A lot of my writing tends to be abstract, without much of a setting.  

Thanks again!

---

Hi - I would like to see this poem minus all the '-ing' words, adjectives, repeated words, and abstract nouns. Take another look at the skeleton and see if it says what you wanted to say. Your poem starts with a good concrete image, of storm and rain. You could try extending that metaphor with more images, rather than abstractions such as 'a shining admission of anguish / an ostracized shame'

Regarding expanding on the "storm" and "rain" image, that's a really great idea... and that would seem to give it a more concrete feel, if that makes sense.  Thanks for your advice.

[Gabriel.k.Jones]

clouds hunger for the eager rain
while weeping with vivid fear,

---- It would have been nice to see the vivid images of fear in this part. I feel like you want to describe something beautiful here, I see the attempt and I think you are almost there. The clouds give rain, so I question why they would be hungry for the eager rain. I could see the dry or scorched earth being hungry and eager for the rain, but not the clouds.

the passionate storm sweeps over gloom
and thirsts for crushing pain;

--- The passionate storm sweeps over gloom, I think this line could stand by itself without the accompanying next line. Or perhaps *( The gloomy storm sweeps over passionately with crushing pain ) If you are married to the idea of the storm and crushing pain.

There is so much pain and anguish in this piece, its evident in every line. The piece doesn't take us through a transformation, it stays on its constant tone. Therein, I think you could sum it up in less lines to convey your message.

I look forward to reading more from you.

Thanks for sharing

[bluegypsea]

clouds hunger for the eager rain
while weeping with vivid fear,

---- It would have been nice to see the vivid images of fear in this part. I feel like you want to describe something beautiful here, I see the attempt and I think you are almost there. The clouds give rain, so I question why they would be hungry for the eager rain. I could see the dry or scorched earth being hungry and eager for the rain, but not the clouds.

the passionate storm sweeps over gloom
and thirsts for crushing pain;

--- The passionate storm sweeps over gloom, I think this line could stand by itself without the accompanying next line. Or perhaps *( The gloomy storm sweeps over passionately with crushing pain ) If you are married to the idea of the storm and crushing pain.

There is so much pain and anguish in this piece, its evident in every line. The piece doesn't take us through a transformation, it stays on its constant tone. Therein, I think you could sum it up in less lines to convey your message.

I look forward to reading more from you.

Thanks for sharing

Thank you so much for your advice... It is much appreciated!!!

[Leanne]

Hi Blue, 

You have a great vocabulary and a good deal of promise, but the problem I'm having is with the abstractions.  Let me first say there is a difference between "abstract poetry" and "poems full of abstractions" -- you do not need to have story elements like setting and character in a poem, but it really is best to have something that the reader can grab onto beyond just the language.  With these sweeping generalisations comes the describing-an-elephant-to-a-blind-man problem, in that someone else might think they're thinking about the thing you're thinking about but in fact they're miles away and because there's nothing to anchor them, they have absolutely no way of knowing that they're off course.  All good abstract poetry needs something for the reader to invest in emotionally or intellectually.  

This sounds like you were originally going for a sestina or some other form with repeated words at the ends of lines, but along the way it's become quite adulterated, so it's lost even the repetition to stitch it together.  You have vague storm imagery but nothing to link it to metaphorically -- no sense of the actions or words that have caused this guilt, just a general angst.  Perhaps the blacks and greys of the clouds could represent bruises on the skin?  Perhaps the rain is tears (although please no, because that's a massive cliche).  

I suggest removing the words "pain", "misery" and "crimson" from the poem entirely.  In fact, I'd like everyone to expunge them from their poetic vocabulary right now; they have been hijacked by the emo brigade and it's hard to read them without a groan.  (Blood is never crimson anyway.)  You might like to rethink the -ings and write this less passively, more imperatively.  

For future writing endeavours, I suggest a look at Hayakawa's Ladder of Abstraction, which is explained quite nicely here.  

I apologise if this reply seems harsh to you, but I assure you, I would not waste time on a writer I didn't feel had great potential.There are a lot of bad habits kicking around the poetry world these days and it would be lovely to see the good people rise above them.

[Wex]

Hi Blue,

My main issues are with the repetition of certain words throughout the poem that are, dare I say, well trodden and offer nothing new to poetry. It some cases they are meaningless. You seem passionate about the subject matter and are obviously trying to convey something but at the moment it's a jumble of abstractions and empty poetic sounds.. My advice would be to write out in plain simple terms what you are trying to say and then find a new and meaningful way of saying it using concrete images avoiding abstractions. The poem is also very wordy and could use some word economy. In poetry each word must be hand picked for a specific reason and each word must serve a purpose- this is lacking here. I would like you to strip it back quite substantially and see where this leads you.

Good luck with the revision! 

[bluegypsea]

Hi Blue, 

You have a great vocabulary and a good deal of promise, but the problem I'm having is with the abstractions.  Let me first say there is a difference between "abstract poetry" and "poems full of abstractions" -- you do not need to have story elements like setting and character in a poem, but it really is best to have something that the reader can grab onto beyond just the language.  With these sweeping generalisations comes the describing-an-elephant-to-a-blind-man problem, in that someone else might think they're thinking about the thing you're thinking about but in fact they're miles away and because there's nothing to anchor them, they have absolutely no way of knowing that they're off course.  All good abstract poetry needs something for the reader to invest in emotionally or intellectually.  

This sounds like you were originally going for a sestina or some other form with repeated words at the ends of lines, but along the way it's become quite adulterated, so it's lost even the repetition to stitch it together.  You have vague storm imagery but nothing to link it to metaphorically -- no sense of the actions or words that have caused this guilt, just a general angst.  Perhaps the blacks and greys of the clouds could represent bruises on the skin?  Perhaps the rain is tears (although please no, because that's a massive cliche).  

I suggest removing the words "pain", "misery" and "crimson" from the poem entirely.  In fact, I'd like everyone to expunge them from their poetic vocabulary right now; they have been hijacked by the emo brigade and it's hard to read them without a groan.  (Blood is never crimson anyway.)  You might like to rethink the -ings and write this less passively, more imperatively.  

For future writing endeavours, I suggest a look at Hayakawa's Ladder of Abstraction, which is explained quite nicely here.  

I apologise if this reply seems harsh to you, but I assure you, I would not waste time on a writer I didn't feel had great potential.There are a lot of bad habits kicking around the poetry world these days and it would be lovely to see the good people rise above them.

Thanks, Leanne!  I really appreciate the feedback. :

[billy]

hi blue, i think you have enough good valid pieces of feedback already. so i'll be as brief as possible.

no need for all the formatting, it makes it a bit harder to give clear feedback without copying and pasting as i've done.

i think you use to much filler in places, [I've underlined a few at the beginning]. watch out for cliche. more than anything the poem needs to hold the reader and pull them into the melancholia and connecting with some kind of empathy. at present it doesn't hold me because it doesn't make me feel anything, though it could with a small edit or two.

you have great attitude in how you take the feedback. ><

clouds hunger for the eager rain
while weeping with vivid fear,
the passionate storm sweeps over gloom
and thirsts for crushing pain;
causing a gentle shame
and imperfect guilt,
meddling thunder assumes remorse
briskly appointing lackluster blame;
welcoming profound regret
the rolling clouds create a striking fear,
and feed from untold pain
sadness overshadows the impending threat;
painting blacks and greys and woe
make for shadows of approaching guilt,
conscience begs reprieve from misery
fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow;
a shock of embellished fear
becomes a vessel for shame,
a hardened plea for loss of ill repute
and all that you hold dear;
thunder strikes terror
into the heart of guilt,
a cold,sticky rain
inflicts blinding pain without error;
an unknown degree of pain
will cut the lines of shame,
barren soil accepts the torrents
but shuns the crimson stain;
festering in the mask of guilt
and shifting the sphere of unwitting horror
into a brainwashing of fear
over this slippery rose left to wilt;
making for a shining admission of anguish
an ostracized shame
begins to recognize the weary gloom
and cause the spirit to languish;
the gentle tides of fear cascade into shame
a morbid pain gives way to gloom,
a solid congruence of guilt and pallid rain
begin to melt into one and the same.

[bluegypsea]

Hi Blue,

My main issues are with the repetition of certain words throughout the poem that are, dare I say, well trodden and offer nothing new to poetry. It some cases they are meaningless. You seem passionate about the subject matter and are obviously trying to convey something but at the moment it's a jumble of abstractions and empty poetic sounds.. My advice would be to write out in plain simple terms what you are trying to say and then find a new and meaningful way of saying it using concrete images avoiding abstractions. The poem is also very wordy and could use some word economy. In poetry each word must be hand picked for a specific reason and each word must serve a purpose- this is lacking here. I would like you to strip it back quite substantially and see where this leads you.

Good luck with the revision! 

Thank you!  I will work on it.

---

hi blue, i think you have enough good valid pieces of feedback already. so i'll be as brief as possible.  

no need for all the formatting, it makes it a bit harder to give clear feedback without copying and pasting as i've done.

i think you use to much filler in places, [I've underlined a few at the beginning]. watch out for cliche. more than anything the poem needs to hold the reader and pull them into the melancholia and connecting with some kind of empathy. at present it doesn't hold me because it doesn't make me feel anything, though it could with a small edit or two.

you have great attitude in how you take the feedback.  ><

clouds hunger for the eager rain
while weeping with vivid fear,
the passionate storm sweeps over gloom
and thirsts for crushing pain;
causing a gentle shame
and imperfect guilt,
meddling thunder assumes remorse
briskly appointing lackluster blame;
welcoming profound regret
the rolling clouds create a striking fear,
and feed from untold pain
sadness overshadows the impending threat;
painting blacks and greys and woe
make for shadows of approaching guilt,
conscience begs reprieve from misery
fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow;
a shock of embellished fear
becomes a vessel for shame,
a hardened plea for loss of ill repute
and all that you hold dear;
thunder strikes terror
into the heart of guilt,
a cold,sticky rain
inflicts blinding pain without error;
an unknown degree of pain
will cut the lines of shame,
barren soil accepts the torrents
but shuns the crimson stain;
festering in the mask of guilt
and shifting the sphere of unwitting horror
into a brainwashing of fear
over this slippery rose left to wilt;
making for a shining admission of anguish
an ostracized shame
begins to recognize the weary gloom
and cause the spirit to languish;
the gentle tides of fear cascade into shame
a morbid pain gives way to gloom,
a solid congruence of guilt and pallid rain
begin to melt into one and the same.

Thank you!  Your feedback means a lot -- it will be very useful in revising.  Thanks again