Wet Earth Waltz

[Wjames]

The sweet loam air of morning in July
spritzes from the feet of a girl
stalking frogs around a pond.

Her approach is steady, careful, vital.

There’s a gravity to the moment
before she pounces, a frozen breathlessness
that creeps up your spine and into your headspace
as though a race is about to start,
or a pretty woman’s met your eyes.

It ends with a splash
as laughter echoes heroically,
despite her empty hands.

[Achebe]

Hi WJ while this is an apt description of a scene, it lacks sonics, imagery, and rhythm. There's an overabundance of adjectives, L4 being a case in point. The simile of a race about to start could be improved by being specific about what type of race, such as 'footrace' or 'Epsom Derby' without appearing too whimsical.
The whole of S2 from 'there's a gravity....' reads tediously for the same reasons as above.
The ending is nice.

[ellajam]

Hi, WJ, only one nit here for me.

The sweet loam air of morning in July Nice start, I'm smelling it.
spritzes from the feet of a girl No. The air spritzes from her feet? No. And I'd like "her feet" instead of how you've phrased it.
stalking frogs around a pond.

Her approach is steady, careful, vital. Vital is great here, adds that buzz.

There’s a gravity to the moment
before she pounces, a frozen breathlessness
that creeps up your spine and into your headspace
as though a race is about to start,
or a pretty woman’s met your eyes.
Big fan of this whole strophe. You may not need the comma after "start" but I love every bit of this.

It ends with a splash
as laughter echoes heroically,
despite her empty hands.
Again, I'm not sure you need the comma. Heroically is a bit odd but I like it.

Thanks for the read, I've been enjoying it.

[LunaDeLore]

The sweet loam air of morning in July
spritzes from the feet of a girl -------------abstraction is nice in many cases but spritzer coming from someone's feet is too unreal.
stalking frogs around a pond.------I like the image of the girl catching frogs, but the previous two lines take something away from it.

Her approach is steady, careful, vital.

There’s a gravity to the moment
before she pounces, a frozen breathlessness
that creeps up your spine and into your headspace ------ headspace is awkward; maybe it would creep up your spine and encompass your skull or maybe creeps up your spine is enough
as though a race is about to start,
or a pretty woman’s met your eyes. --------

It ends with a splash
as laughter echoes heroically,
despite her empty hands.

Wjames,

I like what your attempting to illustrate in this poem; the excitement of a girl trying to catch a frog and the happiness that comes from trying. However, I think you need to look at your imagery and consider how to better convey the message. Spritzes from her feet is somewhat daunting for the reader; it's a bit difficult to picture. Yet, I don't find any problem with the ending.

Keep writing

Luna

[cvanshelton]

The sweet loam air of morning in July – I like how you appeal to the sense of smell here, and I immediately know what you mean. The stage is set. You should probably put a comma between “sweet” and “loam”.
spritzes from the feet of a girl – I love the verb “spritzes”!
stalking frogs around a pond. -

Her approach is steady, careful, vital. – I wonder if you might be served better by breaking this line up even more to give it that stalking sense.
Her approach is steady,
careful,
vital.
 
There’s a gravity to the moment – this line breaks the beautiful imagery you created, because you just tell us that there is gravity. Show us. Get back to the imagery.
before she pounces, a frozen breathlessness  - I see where you are going here, but I think you can smooth this out a bit. Tell us what it looks like before she pounces. Give some indication of the tightening of the muscles, how her hands are held etc. Something to help paint that picture. The other nit I have is your use of “frozen”. You set your scene in July, so frozen does not seem to fit well. “Suspended” might work better, and it continues the “s” sounds in that line.
that creeps up your spine and into your headspace – After reading this a few times, I am still ambivalent about the use of “your” in this poem. I didn’t like how it took me from the voyeur to the participant. But then again, it also creates engagement and intimacy, so, yeah, still ambivalent. I don’t care for “headspace”.
as though a race is about to start, - Ok, you sucked me back in
or a pretty woman’s met your eyes.  – And here you reveal a bit more of the subtext of the poem – adolescent sexuality and flirtation – a young girls attempts at snaring a beau, the poor frogs.

It ends with a splash – Cut “it ends with”. I don’t think you lose anything by simplifying the line.
as laughter echoes heroically, - Maybe a different adverb than heroically. Keep the theme of this girl playing with catching, she is stalking, she is pouncing, she is getting to know her own powers that are shown in her stealth and coyness. Heroically is too harsh, brash and loud for the picture you have painted.
despite her empty hands – Good
 
There is so much to like about this. The subtext and metaphor are fun, and you do a nice job of painting a picture. Clean up some of the imagery and you will have a nice piece. I look forward to seeing the edits. Cheers!

[amejadcc]

Hi Wet Earth Waltz,

I see where you are getting at with the observer. The observer may be male or is attracted to female in general. You have to consider however when you say it is a "girl" and then switched it up with a "woman" with just one line, the reader may think that the 1 line is out of place. Readers need to understand a bit more why the "woman" comparison have crept up on the observer. Not that age or sex matters in a poem but I think the snapshot you are trying to describe perhaps can be a fun twist if the "girl" is a "woman" by her words of triumph, or some sort of project she currently works on that concerns with catching frogs, or she has a daughter or son she needs to play with who loves frogs. Having a male observer conjured up in 1 line leaves a shallow, albeit too superficial of a line for the readers to consider. You may want to expand the lines to give room for the male observer to exert his thoughts other than just watching.

On the other hand, the word "frogs" need not be in it at all. Make it a suspense catch with breezy view of Sunday morning at the park just the observer and her. The observer's relationship with the "girl" may or may not be disclosed at all. Imagery plays a lot here.

Regards,
Amejadcc

[Wjames]

Thanks folks, I'm going to start working on a revision of this one soon.