The Past Mends Her

[shemthepenman]

edit 2

Does A Sick Significance Reason?



Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred,

—Have a nice birthday, honey?

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm free!

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature,

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
sick of it,
sick of it.
Stop hurting me.

He put his hands around my throat

and choked me.
He loved me like a father should—

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too.

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows.

—It's just the way life is,
mother said,
the way it goes.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail.


edit 1

Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred:

—Have a nice birthday, honey?

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm free!

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature,

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
                           sick of it,

                                          sick of it.
Stop hurting me.

He put his hands around my throat
and choked me.
He loved me like a father should—

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too.

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows.

—It's just the way life is,
mother said,
the way it goes.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail.

original

Mother made it to the sofa, at last,

collapsed,and slurred:

—Have a nice birthday, honey?

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person,
I'm not!

I'm free.

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature,

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
                           sick of it,

                                          sick of it.
Stop hurting me.

He put his hands round my throat
and choked me.
He love me like a father should—

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too.

I'm not a horrible person,
I'm not!

I'm supergirl.

I collect the things that hurt,
and no one knows.

—It's just the way life is,
mother said,
the way it goes.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail.


[another one salvaged by Billy's ingenuity. previously was given a different title with catastrophically, unforeseen, emotive consequences; hence, i retitled it.]

[Lizzie]

Mother made it to the sofa, at last,

collapsed,and slurred:  -- space before and?

—Have a nice birthday, honey? -- I like the question mark at the end, like mom doesn't really know what's going on.

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person, -- I would probably enjoy "bad kid" here better, since it flows into five years old, etc. Unless you're talking about the adult here, which is fine.
I'm not! -- to me, the repetition doesn't add much.

I'm free. -- I like the rhyme between free, three, me. But, freedom is just so ambiguous that I don't feel moved by this.

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature,

times three. -- love these three lines. You seem to be switching voices between an adult and a child, but I don't mind it. I don't think you have to pick. Just be aware that throwing Nietzsche in there pulls me away from the child and then I have to go back in the next lines.

And, I'm sick of it,
                           sick of it,

                                          sick of it.  -- Hell yes. Love the strong voice here.
Stop hurting me. -- white space makes this stand out even more

He put his hands round my throat
and choked me.
He love me like a father should— -- Loved?

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too.

I'm not a horrible person,  -- I'm making the assumption that the speaker is the adult here, in which case horrible person works
I'm not! -- ditto what I said above about the repetition

I'm supergirl.

I collect the things that hurt,  -- I'd omit "the" -- I collect things feels stronger
and no one knows. -- about what?

—It's just the way life is,
mother said,
the way it goes. -- I like these three lines -- that is exactly what a mother would say. And it's no kind of consolation, whatsoever.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. -- this is supposed to be a thinker, right? I'll think more about it!


[another one salvaged by Billy's ingenuity. previously was given a different title with catastrophically, unforeseen, emotive consequences; hence, i retitled it.]

Great stuff here!

Cheers big ears

[shemthepenman]

Mother made it to the sofa, at last,

collapsed,and slurred:  -- space before and?

—Have a nice birthday, honey? -- I like the question mark at the end, like mom doesn't really know what's going on.

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person, -- I would probably enjoy "bad kid" here better, since it flows into five years old, etc. Unless you're talking about the adult here, which is fine.
I'm not! -- to me, the repetition doesn't add much.

I'm free. -- I like the rhyme between free, three, me. But, freedom is just so ambiguous that I don't feel moved by this.

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature,

times three. -- love these three lines. You seem to be switching voices between an adult and a child, but I don't mind it. I don't think you have to pick. Just be aware that throwing Nietzsche in there pulls me away from the child and then I have to go back in the next lines.

And, I'm sick of it,
                           sick of it,

                                          sick of it.  -- Hell yes. Love the strong voice here.
Stop hurting me. -- white space makes this stand out even more

He put his hands round my throat
and choked me.
He love me like a father should— -- Loved?

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too.

I'm not a horrible person,  -- I'm making the assumption that the speaker is the adult here, in which case horrible person works
I'm not! -- ditto what I said above about the repetition

I'm supergirl.

I collect the things that hurt,  -- I'd omit "the" -- I collect things feels stronger
and no one knows. -- about what?

—It's just the way life is,
mother said,
the way it goes. -- I like these three lines -- that is exactly what a mother would say. And it's no kind of consolation, whatsoever.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. -- this is supposed to be a thinker, right? I'll think more about it!


[another one salvaged by Billy's ingenuity. previously was given a different title with catastrophically, unforeseen, emotive consequences; hence, i retitled it.]

Great stuff here!

Cheers big ears

thanks for the critique. i have never been sure about this poem. it's one of my more experimental efforts. i think i primarily have 3 different ways of writing [with some overlap], which tend to produce 3 different styles, and this one represents the most unsatisfying, to me. however, there is something about it that i obviously like enough to keep coming back to it. i don't know.
anyway, the only thing i would disagree with is you ask "and no one knows"--about what? maybe i am being slow, but doesn't this clearly follow from the last line? that is, rearranged it would read "no one knows [that] i collect the things that hurt".

oh, also, i hate the title.

[UselessBlueprint]

Not a deep critique, but just a few notes.

I as well hate the title.
Colon, line break, dash. That formatting confuses me. It distracts me, in a place where it really shouldn't.
When programming, whitespace is extremely useful, and I use it often. In poetry, there is rarely an occasion where I feel it is appropriate. I don't think this is one of those rare occasions, IMO.

Overall, the child voice is way too loud. I read this as a whining child, which might not be far from the intent. Unfortunately, I don't like the sound of whining children, no matter what they're whining about.

[shemthepenman]

Not a deep critique, but just a few notes.

I as well hate the title.
Colon, line break, dash. That formatting confuses me. It distracts me, in a place where it really shouldn't.
When programming, whitespace is extremely useful, and I use it often. In poetry, there is rarely an occasion where I feel it is appropriate. I don't think this is one of those rare occasions, IMO.

Overall, the child voice is way too loud. I read this as a whining child, which might not be far from the intent. Unfortunately, I don't like the sound of whining children, no matter what they're whining about.

colon, line break, speech, i don't think it's confusing--although, i have heard the rule that one should only use a colon to introduce speech with more than 6 words; but seriously? is it having 5 words and not 6 really that troublesome? regardless, noted.
i often find the opposite is the case, whitespace is rarely useful in programming and almost always appropriate in poetry. however, i will adjust accordingly.

also, reiterating "the title is rubbish" may confirm my own judgement but it doesn't really help. suggested title please. i have a few ideas, but jesus, do i really have to do all the fucking work here! god you people are lazy cunts.*


*i don't mean that, obviously. but do have to make that clear, just in case.

[Lizzie]

thanks for the critique. i have never been sure about this poem. it's one of my more experimental efforts. i think i primarily have 3 different ways of writing [with some overlap], which tend to produce 3 different styles, and this one represents the most unsatisfying, to me. however, there is something about it that i obviously like enough to keep coming back to it. i don't know.
anyway, the only thing i would disagree with is you ask "and no one knows"--about what? maybe i am being slow, but doesn't this clearly follow from the last line? that is, rearranged it would read "no one knows [that] i collect the things that hurt".

oh, also, i hate the title.

Yeah, I understood how it related to the previous line, I just thought that some allusion to what kinds of things are collected would be good detail to put in.

It seems stupid now, and I wish I hadn't said that.

[kolemath]

[quote='shemthepenman' pid='213596' dateline='1468604572']
edit 2

Does A Sick Significance Reason?



Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred,

—Have a nice birthday, honey? I'd go with quotation marks instead of a dash here (compelling opening image btw)

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person. this is an insight for the speaker, but does it come too soon?

I'm free! I'm not sure i understand this line; it doesn't fit the character's voice; nothing about the speaker feels 'free' to my reading

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature, does nietzsche fit the observation of a 5 year old?

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
sick of it,
sick of it. i like the repetition
Stop hurting me. should you switch to the second person (you) command in this line? if so, should it be speech? the rest of this stanza is in first person (I). is this line of the speaker addressed to the speaker him/herself?

He put his hands around my throat should this stanza come after the first into of 'hurt me' after S1?

and choked me.
He loved me like a father should— here you could use a colon ( : ) colons can introduce lists or complete sentences, functioning as a kind of 'therefore' in the latter case. anyone who counts words to apply punctuation rules is wasting time and probably doesn't understand punctuation rules. 

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too. no comma before 'too'

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows. I like the idea of supergirl, but how does a superhero connect to collecting pain? why does no one know? it the poem going for a hidden identity idea? if so, how can that be more clear?

—It's just the way life is, no dash after a period
mother said, so should the above line be quoted?
the way it goes. so the mother goes from drunk to wise. i like the idea of this transition, but might the alcoholism be more clearly alluded to? the voice of mother in S1 and here doesn't feel consistent.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. good closing image

I think of punctuation rules as gatekeeping devices. they're arbitrary and differ between languages. some poets do away with them altogether, so take those comments as you will.

to me, the poem would benefit most from clearing up the mindset of the speaker and the voice of the mother.

thanks for sharing

[shemthepenman]

[quote='shemthepenman' pid='213596' dateline='1468604572']
edit 2

Does A Sick Significance Reason?



Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred,

—Have a nice birthday, honey? I'd go with quotation marks instead of a dash here (compelling opening image btw)

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person. this is an insight for the speaker, but does it come too soon?

I'm free! I'm not sure i understand this line; it doesn't fit the character's voice; nothing about the speaker feels 'free' to my reading

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature, does nietzsche fit the observation of a 5 year old?

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
sick of it,
sick of it. i like the repetition
Stop hurting me. should you switch to the second person (you) command in this line? if so, should it be speech? the rest of this stanza is in first person (I). is this line of the speaker addressed to the speaker him/herself?

He put his hands around my throat should this stanza come after the first into of 'hurt me' after S1?

and choked me.
He loved me like a father should— here you could use a colon ( : ) colons can introduce lists or complete sentences, functioning as a kind of 'therefore' in the latter case. anyone who counts words to apply punctuation rules is wasting time and probably doesn't understand punctuation rules. 

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too. no comma before 'too'

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows. I like the idea of supergirl, but how does a superhero connect to collecting pain? why does no one know? it the poem going for a hidden identity idea? if so, how can that be more clear?

—It's just the way life is, no dash after a period
mother said, so should the above line be quoted?
the way it goes. so the mother goes from drunk to wise. i like the idea of this transition, but might the alcoholism be more clearly alluded to? the voice of mother in S1 and here doesn't feel consistent.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. good closing image

I think of punctuation rules as gatekeeping devices. they're arbitrary and differ between languages. some poets do away with them altogether, so take those comments as you will.

to me, the poem would benefit most from clearing up the mindset of the speaker and the voice of the mother.

thanks for sharing

thank you very much.

ok, so i am just going to weakly justify some--in fact, one--of the punctuation choices [i say weakly because it is entirely subjective]. no comma after 'too' good catch. also after 'father should' there should most definitely be a colon, i agree. but, when it comes to the speech marks vs dash, i'll give it a shot, but i have to say i don't like speech marks and have always preferred the dash, which stems from the fact that one of the first modern novels i ever read was trainspotting and the dash has always represented a kind of breaking with tradition. and later reading joyce this taste has been cemented, so much so that just the idea of putting " near anything just looks so ugly.

with regards to the content aspect of your comments, i suppose my intention was to produce a kind of cubism of poetry, so that not only time perspectives are continually shifting but also narrative perspectives, as well. for example, the nietzsche line suggests this is not a stream of consciousness, but rather it is very deliberate and 'written'. and, no doubt ambitiously, i wanted, like cubist painting, to express a complete sense, including the spaces [refer to 'i'm free'--it merely suggests a sense of self-defence, reiterated through the nietzsche line, which may or may not be from the perspective of a child, an adult victim of abuse, or a middle aged poet trying to write about both].

having said all that, this is precisely why good critique [which i consider yours to be] is so invaluable. it is one thing to have highfalutin ideas, and quite another to communicate them effectively.*




*yep, that was a bit of a political point based on recent discussions.

[kolemath]

[quote='shemthepenman' pid='213596' dateline='1468604572']
edit 2

Does A Sick Significance Reason?



Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred,

—Have a nice birthday, honey? I'd go with quotation marks instead of a dash here (compelling opening image btw)

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person. this is an insight for the speaker, but does it come too soon?

I'm free! I'm not sure i understand this line; it doesn't fit the character's voice; nothing about the speaker feels 'free' to my reading

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature, does nietzsche fit the observation of a 5 year old?

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
sick of it,
sick of it. i like the repetition
Stop hurting me. should you switch to the second person (you) command in this line? if so, should it be speech? the rest of this stanza is in first person (I). is this line of the speaker addressed to the speaker him/herself?

He put his hands around my throat should this stanza come after the first into of 'hurt me' after S1?

and choked me.
He loved me like a father should— here you could use a colon ( : ) colons can introduce lists or complete sentences, functioning as a kind of 'therefore' in the latter case. anyone who counts words to apply punctuation rules is wasting time and probably doesn't understand punctuation rules. 

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too. no comma before 'too'

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows. I like the idea of supergirl, but how does a superhero connect to collecting pain? why does no one know? it the poem going for a hidden identity idea? if so, how can that be more clear?

—It's just the way life is, no dash after a period
mother said, so should the above line be quoted?
the way it goes. so the mother goes from drunk to wise. i like the idea of this transition, but might the alcoholism be more clearly alluded to? the voice of mother in S1 and here doesn't feel consistent.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. good closing image

I think of punctuation rules as gatekeeping devices. they're arbitrary and differ between languages. some poets do away with them altogether, so take those comments as you will.

to me, the poem would benefit most from clearing up the mindset of the speaker and the voice of the mother.

thanks for sharing

thank you very much.

ok, so i am just going to weakly justify some--in fact, one--of the punctuation choices [i say weakly because it is entirely subjective]. no comma after 'too' good catch. also after 'father should' there should most definitely be a colon, i agree. but, when it comes to the speech marks vs dash, i'll give it a shot, but i have to say i don't like speech marks and have always preferred the dash, which stems from the fact that one of the first modern novels i ever read was trainspotting and the dash has always represented a kind of breaking with tradition. and later reading joyce this taste has been cemented, so much so that just the idea of putting " near anything just looks so ugly.

with regards to the content aspect of your comments, i suppose my intention was to produce a kind of cubism of poetry, so that not only time perspectives are continually shifting but also narrative perspectives, as well. for example, the nietzsche line suggests this is not a stream of consciousness, but rather it is very deliberate and 'written'. and, no doubt ambitiously, i wanted, like cubist painting, to express a complete sense, including the spaces [refer to 'i'm free'--it merely suggests a sense of self-defence, reiterated through the nietzsche line, which may or may not be from the perspective of a child, an adult victim of abuse, or a middle aged poet trying to write about both].

having said all that, this is precisely why good critique [which i consider yours to be] is so invaluable. it is one thing to have highfalutin ideas, and quite another to communicate them effectively.*




*yep, that was a bit of a political point based on recent discussions.

Interesting choice about the dash.  An aesthetic choice.  I get it.  In many latin american authors use this instead of quotation marks:  « ».

like a said, punctuation 'rules' are made up to begin with and don't always reflect real language; if you have a reason to break them, you should

[shemthepenman]

[quote='shemthepenman' pid='213596' dateline='1468604572']
edit 2

Does A Sick Significance Reason?



Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred,

—Have a nice birthday, honey? I'd go with quotation marks instead of a dash here (compelling opening image btw)

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person. this is an insight for the speaker, but does it come too soon?

I'm free! I'm not sure i understand this line; it doesn't fit the character's voice; nothing about the speaker feels 'free' to my reading

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature, does nietzsche fit the observation of a 5 year old?

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
sick of it,
sick of it. i like the repetition
Stop hurting me. should you switch to the second person (you) command in this line? if so, should it be speech? the rest of this stanza is in first person (I). is this line of the speaker addressed to the speaker him/herself?

He put his hands around my throat should this stanza come after the first into of 'hurt me' after S1?

and choked me.
He loved me like a father should— here you could use a colon ( : ) colons can introduce lists or complete sentences, functioning as a kind of 'therefore' in the latter case. anyone who counts words to apply punctuation rules is wasting time and probably doesn't understand punctuation rules. 

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too. no comma before 'too'

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows. I like the idea of supergirl, but how does a superhero connect to collecting pain? why does no one know? it the poem going for a hidden identity idea? if so, how can that be more clear?

—It's just the way life is, no dash after a period
mother said, so should the above line be quoted?
the way it goes. so the mother goes from drunk to wise. i like the idea of this transition, but might the alcoholism be more clearly alluded to? the voice of mother in S1 and here doesn't feel consistent.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. good closing image

I think of punctuation rules as gatekeeping devices. they're arbitrary and differ between languages. some poets do away with them altogether, so take those comments as you will.

to me, the poem would benefit most from clearing up the mindset of the speaker and the voice of the mother.

thanks for sharing

thank you very much.

ok, so i am just going to weakly justify some--in fact, one--of the punctuation choices [i say weakly because it is entirely subjective]. no comma after 'too' good catch. also after 'father should' there should most definitely be a colon, i agree. but, when it comes to the speech marks vs dash, i'll give it a shot, but i have to say i don't like speech marks and have always preferred the dash, which stems from the fact that one of the first modern novels i ever read was trainspotting and the dash has always represented a kind of breaking with tradition. and later reading joyce this taste has been cemented, so much so that just the idea of putting " near anything just looks so ugly.

with regards to the content aspect of your comments, i suppose my intention was to produce a kind of cubism of poetry, so that not only time perspectives are continually shifting but also narrative perspectives, as well. for example, the nietzsche line suggests this is not a stream of consciousness, but rather it is very deliberate and 'written'. and, no doubt ambitiously, i wanted, like cubist painting, to express a complete sense, including the spaces [refer to 'i'm free'--it merely suggests a sense of self-defence, reiterated through the nietzsche line, which may or may not be from the perspective of a child, an adult victim of abuse, or a middle aged poet trying to write about both].

having said all that, this is precisely why good critique [which i consider yours to be] is so invaluable. it is one thing to have highfalutin ideas, and quite another to communicate them effectively.*




*yep, that was a bit of a political point based on recent discussions.

Interesting choice about the dash.  An aesthetic choice.  I get it.  In many latin american authors use this instead of quotation marks:  « ».

like a said, punctuation 'rules' are made up to begin with and don't always reflect real language; if you have a reason to break them, you should

yes, punctuation can vary from country to country. i even like the idea of the upside down question mark to indicate sarcasm. but it isn't on my keyboard, hence some unfortunate misunderstandings

anyway, i will most definitely be applying, or try to apply, your suggestions. but as i am sure you can appreciate, you have given me a lot to think about and making edits based on them will take time and effort. and i am essentially a lazy person. but edits are in the post. thanks again.