My Spaceship

[BecktheDog]

The upstairs room feels like a spaceship.
A vessel to conduct my extracurricular endeavors
that will take me anywhere:
to Malaysia
or Alaska.
to save my sick mother
or explore the inner workings of Walt Whitman's mind.
 
I've entered a ship with the windows closed.
That contains all my gear for anything or anywhere.
Mental preparedness and physical appropriation
to make it happen.
 
I'm here with a feeling of inspired contentedness.
This is my place.
I'm ready.
 
 
I think I'll go downstairs...

[Ivana]

Hi,

I'm new at giving feedback, so don't take it too seriously.
I like the image of an upstairs room as a spaceship, but maybe try something different than "feels like". I also like the combination of Malaysia and Alaska, for their contrasts and at the same time similar sounds. The sick mother, although maybe personally relevant, seems random in the poem. Furthermore, the reason to suddenly go downstairs is not clear. I feel more needs to happen.

I like the feeling of the room you want to bring across. However, I think the sentences don't flow well yet.

Best of luck,
Ivana

[QDeathstar]

The upstairs room feels like a spaceship. this line makes the rest of the poem a non sequitor. Space ships don't take people from one place on earth to another. And generally they go up, not downstairs. Also, phrasing it as "the upstairs room" makes it seem as if your not there, while the last sentence says you are. The purpose of this dichotomy is not established in the poem as it sits.
A vessel to conduct my extracurricular endeavors sounds like masturbation
that will take me anywhere:
to Malaysia. establish a reason why this is I important
or Alaska.
to save my sick mother I thought we might be making a transition here
or explore the inner workings of Walt Whitman's mind. nop

why is that last stanza even important or relates to the spaceship?
 
I've entered a ship with the windows closed.
That contains all my gear for anything or anywhere. this is poor Engrish
Mental preparedness and physical appropriation
to make it happen. make what happen!
 
I'm here with a feeling of inspired contentedness.
This is my place.
I'm ready.
 
 
I think I'll go downstairs...

[Quixilated]

Hi Beck,

Lovely poem. It reminds me of all those children's stories where the kids turn the world around them into an elaborate imagined story land. I feel like you could take it a little deeper, push a bit further, but I like where it's going. Just a few notes below.

--Quix

The upstairs room feels like a spaceship. I think going full metaphor here would have more impact, "my upstairs room is a spaceship" we know it's imagination, no one's room is actually a spaceship, so why not jump in with both feet? The more the narrator believes the picture, the easier it will be to take us with you.
A vessel to conduct my extracurricular endeavors
that will take me anywhere:
to Malaysia
or Alaska.
to save my sick mother This line is a problem. It is either the secret reason for the entire poem, or it should not be here. It makes the reader stop and wonder how sick? The word "save" makes me think she's dying, in which case this poem is way more serious than originally thought. Does the narrator need this escape because things are so bad? The audience will reanalyze the entire poem simply because of this line. If it IS the entire point of the poem, then that is exactly what you want them to do, but put it below the Whitman line for full impact. If it is not, then it is too distracting, and should be removed.
or explore the inner workings of Walt Whitman's mind.
 
I've entered a ship with the windows closed.Assuming the sick mother is the undercurrent of the poem, then I picture here the gearing up and preparing is all to face this situation, a coping mechanism, wanting to help but needing to get himself/herself together first. However, even without that, it is easy to picture a child who has made of his/her room a sanctuary of sorts, a place to cope with life in general before facing it again.
That contains all my gear for anything or anywhere.
Mental preparedness and physical appropriation
to make it happen. to make what happen? If you intend to leave it vague, perhaps say "make things happen" as in, in general. If this has all been gearing up to make one specific thing happen, then we might need another clue hidden somewhere in the poem. Or is the contentedness in the next line what is being made to happen?
 
I'm here with a feeling of inspired contentedness.
This is my place.
I'm ready.
 
 
I think I'll go downstairs...

[LaughGiraffe]

Hi BeckTheDog,

I really like the idea of the mind or the imagination being a spaceship that can take you beyond the realm of any possibilities. And I also like how random the "sick mother" line seems to be because it reminds me of how intrusive and unavoidable the negative thoughts can be. As you're thinking of fantastic adventures to Malaysia and exploring outerspace, there's always that voice in your head reminding you of what it is that you're trying to avoid or escape from.
I feel like the line 'to make it happen' is a little too vague for me to understand. If it is a reference to your sick mother then I would try to be a little more specific in regards to what 'it' is. Overall though it is an interesting poem. And I like that the end is uplifting and brave as you vacate this place of 'inspired contentedness' to face your problems and 'go downstairs'.

[jayjayaustralia]

haha.... was attracted to this one immediately as I was born in Malaysia

and for someone born in Malaysia ... Alaska seems to be the ends of the earth

does feel like one is becoming a child again with this poem, and imagining things around the house as being capable of taking one on fantastical otherworldly journeys...

reminded me a bit also of one of Calvin & Hobbes adventures with spaceman spiff

[Slix343]

Hi BecktheDog, most of what can be said about your poem I feel has been addressed in the above posts. Overall the poem lacks any real focus and continuous theme. You have created the opening line but every other part of the poem could be removed and little would be lost. I somewhat think that may have been the point, that there is a greater meaning to the first line to be drawn from the vagueness of the subsequent lines but that context is not shown. 


The upstairs room feels like a spaceship. I was taught that likening something or saying something "feels like" something else is bad poetry. Instead you have to say your metaphor is something rather than is like something.
A vessel to conduct my extracurricular endeavors
that will take me anywhere: This use of a colon sets up the audience to learn about how far your space ship will take you.
to Malaysia
or Alaska. Both of these places however are not planets, something you would need a spaceship for. If this is the point, say for example the striking comment to "save my sick mother" then there needs to be more clues as to why something as powerful as a space ship is needed to travel only around the world. This is not a bad idea, as it adds a sense of difficulty to movement and travel, apt for an idea of sick loved ones. But much like the Walt Whitman line it does not fit without any of this context.
to save my sick mother
or explore the inner workings of Walt Whitman's mind.
 
I've entered a ship with the windows closed. 
That contains all my gear for anything or anywhere.
Mental preparedness and physical appropriation
to make it happen. The use of "it" here is not the problem, as you can use that sort of vagueness well. But this should be done near the end of a poem and not at the center. Also the it should invoke all the context your lines have hinted at so far, but instead it simply hangs there.
 
I'm here with a feeling of inspired contentedness. What does this mean? So what? Why does it matter you are inpiried to feel? What does it matter you are motivated to feel satisfaction?
This is my place.
I'm ready.
 
 
I think I'll go downstairs... This is a very nice sounding way to end the poem and it does fit in well with the first line. Beginning with going upstairs, much like a rocket, then coming downstairs also as a rocket does. 

[Vanity]

Hello! I really enjoyed this...it grabbed me...I love the first line. I have actually thought that before (-: so I felt a kinship with the poem.
I felt you were saying--upstairs is where you can run away, escape reality, read or ruminate...
'To save my sick mother' made me frown, because I instantly thought of a sickroom upstairs, and sadness.
'The ship with Windows closed' well, for whatever reason I pictured, like, a submarine. Maybe that's way far off from your intent. But I believe it's meant to depict another cozy/safe place to be alone...and think. I can relate to that.
I liked your ending line as well 'I think I'll go downstairs...' As if you are ready to face reality/other people/outside stimuli, after your sojourn upstairs. (-:
Good luck--V

[richthehat]

Hi 
I like this piece and remember the feeling of escapism I had in my room. Good contrast with your travel choices maybe contrast the feeling with your mother too then all ties up with the twist line at the end. Nice

[ByrdB29]

I likes the idea of a spaceship room. I liked the imaginative theory you had going on. But I kind of got lost in the second paragraph. I was just curious as to why you felt ready to go back downstairs again. I like the idea, but it seems like you need to prepare the thought a little bit better. So it will flow nicely.

[rhymeguy]

I found a lot to appreciate in this poem. Much of what I was brought to mind has already been mentioned so my thoughts will be redundant. I will share them anyway.

The concept of a place in life, either real or conceptual, where we can be and go about as we please is not knew. However, few thoughts are. The arrangement and presentation of those thoughts and feelings is what makes the whole idea vivid to the reader. As a simple man, I do not like to be over challenged when reading poetry. My theory is "say what you want to say as beautifully as you can and hope that the reader gets it." The reader may not always "get it" as you intended it. But if you are able to inspire in them a vision or thought of their own then you have done your job.

Here is what I got from this poem.

There is a safe place where you can go all the places and be all the people you want to be. Everything you need is there ready for you to take flight, to escape. The last line ( which made the poem for me) tells me 2 things- you are not sure where you want to go or who you want to be so might as well go back downstairs or there is no place you would rather be than where you are.

please remember when I say "you" I mean the poet at the moment not the always "you"

[rowens]

The poem could have some minor cuts. Could could could could could. These are just some quick suggestions along the line.


The upstairs room feels like a spaceship.
A vessel to conduct my extracurricular endeavors.
to Malaysia,
Alaska.
save my sick mother.
the inner workings of Walt Whitman's mind.

I've entered a ship with the windows closed.
That contains all my gear for anything or anywhere.
Mental preparedness and physical appropriation
to make it happen.

a feeling of inspired contentedness.
This is my place.
I'm ready.


I think I'll go downstairs...

[Circadian]

I really liked this. 

It reminds me of all the time spent upstairs in my bedroom, imagining other worlds, making plans, reading. It's where people hide from the world, while trying to prepare for it. I especially like the imagery of a spaceship for this reason- it seems to represent the fact that the character is trying to escape. And when they've gone downstairs, they're finally done preparing, done escaping. They're ready to face their own life's challenges. 

It does strike me as odd that you don't include any planets or celestial bodies in the places they go, though. It also seems like you could connect space themes more throughout the poem, too. This is my first critique, so I'm sorry that I don't have any suggestions as to how to do that. Additionally, it would be better if you made a connection as to how one could take aspects of the spaceship with them when they go downstairs. That would clear up a lot of the confusion as to /why/ they're going downstairs.

[Erthona]

I'm in my happy place.

"I think I'll go downstairs."
__________________________________

I would do more of a critique except the original poster appears to have never returned to read the critiques.

[Hennessy473]

Hi there,

This was interesting. I imagine that the person in this poem has a difficult life, given that he needs a safe space and lots of mental preparation just to go downstairs.

A vessel to conduct my extracurricular endeavors - I'm not feeling the word extracurricular here - although you may have had a reason for choosing it that I'm just not picking up on.

to Malaysia
or Alaska. - this has a nice flow.

I enjoyed this and felt that I was able to follow, just wanted you to flush it out a bit more. Give a little more to work with. Thanks, and good luck!