No Sunshine Edit 1.0000000 Dale

[tectak]

Edit 1.000000

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below;
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsing heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand;
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;
while music played a bitter symphony.

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.


Original

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but the birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in the places where my footfall stopped, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through cloying clay below;
damply, like a dream that wakes but why, you never know.
I heard a pulsing heart that was mine but seemed too grand;
it was loud and sounded closer than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears and beat drums made out of hay
and this was how the music played, a bitter symphony.
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Concert Memories. Van Morrison/Ray Charles
tectak

[Achebe]

Hi tectak - not one of my favourites. Had difficulty from the start. .
I had a whole bunch of comments which basically said that the poem was nonsensical. I now see that it may make sense if the narrator is in the act of painting of picture, painting out sun on the canvas with a brush of broom and briar.
That explains the first 2 lines.
The rest of the poem remains irritatingly vague. You couldn't possibly be lying down on the painting, or painting yourself lying down in places where 'her silence hushed'. It requires a giant stretch of the imagination. Basically, after L2 I no longer understand what it is that you the narrator are quite doing, other than making generalised, disconnected observations.

'bitter symphony' is quite terrible.

Edit 1.000000

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar 
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; 
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsing heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; 
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;.
while music played a bitter symphony.

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch, 
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Original

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but the birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in the places where my footfall stopped, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through cloying clay below;
damply, like a dream that wakes but why, you never know.
I heard a pulsing heart that was mine but seemed too grand;
it was loud and sounded closer than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears and beat drums made out of hay
and this was how the music played, a bitter symphony.
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Concert Memories. Van Morrison/Ray Charles
tectak

[D.Russo]

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar *
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below;
like dampness dream-breaks, why? You never know. **
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; ***
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;
while music played a bitter symphony. ****

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

*: I am not quite sure about the usage of “brush of broom” unless you are trying to use the imagery to represent cleaning, specifically the concept of removal. I am not certain but I believe this poem is about a break up. So the briar to me may specifically refer to its thorns and the subject’s personal faults which were causation. I could be totally wrong, but it may be bad that it demands so much explanation.

**: I don’t understand this line. My first thought was waking up in sweat, but even that concept seems out of place. I don’t get how it relates to what I perceive to be her lingering scent in the bed fabrics told by the last line. Was the character dreaming that she may still be in bed next to him when he awoke?

***: Minor fix is the typo of pulsing.

****: Is the music the birds? I felt like it was the character waking up and realizing she was not there so the birdsong felt dissonant to the character’s own emotional tone of sorrow and loss.

I think the largest issue is the apparent lack of immediate clarity whether by means of a poorly represented literal take or too vague of metaphors that can cause the reader to lose their understanding of the concept. My own interpretation could be very far off from your intended message. I would recommend playing around with some lines to better illustrate the true meaning and remove some of the questioning left up to the reader.

[kolemath]

Edit 1.000000

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but birds still sang above the sage marquee. I'm a bit confused by setting here. the lines in and of themselves have interesting imagery, but combining them may need work. is the marquee in the painting or above the painter? why mix paint and play imagery?
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be, again, setting a bit confused. where is downwards? why was there silence before the painting and why do birds sing after painting out the sun. should the images be reversed? birds>paint>silence?
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay. again, interesting word choice, but the agency of footfall to the verb hushed?
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; all verbs are in past tense, which is usually a good strategy, but the events of this line are lost to the timeline of the speaker's experience.
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; this line works
much louder than my senses could explain. I like this one too
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay; interesting image, but contradicting the intensity of sound in the previous lines?
while music played a bitter symphony.

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday. it makes sense to drain sensory experience as a consequence of painting out the sun, but does this contradict the singing birds?

thanks for sharing

[tectak]

Hi tectak - not one of my favourites. Had difficulty from the start. .
I had a whole bunch of comments which basically said that the poem was nonsensical. I now see that it may make sense if the narrator is in the act of painting of picture, painting out sun on the canvas with a brush of broom and briar.
That explains the first 2 lines.
The rest of the poem remains irritatingly vague. You couldn't possibly be lying down on the painting, or painting yourself lying down in places where 'her silence hushed'. It requires a giant stretch of the imagination. Basically, after L2 I no longer understand what it is that you the narrator are quite doing, other than making generalised, disconnected observations.

'bitter symphony' is quite terrible.

Edit 1.000000

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar 
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; 
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsing heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; 
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;.
while music played a bitter symphony.

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch, 
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Original

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but the birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in the places where my footfall stopped, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through cloying clay below;
damply, like a dream that wakes but why, you never know.
I heard a pulsing heart that was mine but seemed too grand;
it was loud and sounded closer than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears and beat drums made out of hay
and this was how the music played, a bitter symphony.
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Concert Memories. Van Morrison/Ray Charles
tectak

Hello Ache,
Thanks for this. I cannot go back on my own words to change a principle...I often say that if you have to explain it you've failed.This may be a double fail. I don't understand it either. It was written a long time ago and though my recollection is enough to remember writing it there are bits that do not make contemporaneous sense. Van Morrison sang that song, Ain't no Sunshine (when she's gone)....still the best version...and it triggered off a thought or several. He was whining on about his divorce and  the whole thing became maudlin'. All I can say is that I felt  compelled to invite the muse in for a think-tank session and this is what came up. The references to "painting out" are shadow-mask. Broom is black against the sky, sage is a sombre grey-green. No more explique...I am digging myself in to a hole. It is not clear. I will make changes.
Remit:
Boy loses girl,
Boy goes to where they used to walk, shag,hang-out.
Boy recalls lying beneath foliage with girl on sunnyday,shaded by flora above.
Boy recalls scents and sounds of bygone days.
Sounds of silence, damp earth, that interesting rustling of pulse when emotionally stimulated by memory.
Blah blah blah.
End.
I am interested in why the contra to a "sweet" symphony....bitter symphony...is so reviled. It is not a cliche though bitter-sweet would have been. Nope, this is all bitter, through and through.

Best,
tectak

---

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar *
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below;
like dampness dream-breaks, why? You never know. **
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; ***
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;
while music played a bitter symphony. ****

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

*: I am not quite sure about the usage of “brush of broom” unless you are trying to use the imagery to represent cleaning, specifically the concept of removal. I am not certain but I believe this poem is about a break up. So the briar to me may specifically refer to its thorns and the subject’s personal faults which were causation. I could be totally wrong, but it may be bad that it demands so much explanation. See reply to ache for expediency

**: I don’t understand this line. My first thought was waking up in sweat, but even that concept seems out of place. I don’t get how it relates to what I perceive to be her lingering scent in the bed fabrics told by the last line. Was the character dreaming that she may still be in bed next to him when he awoke? ever been camping in a tent...when it rains...and you are dreaming...and you need.....

***: Minor fix is the typo of pulsing. thanks. Done

****: Is the music the birds? I felt like it was the character waking up and realizing she was not there so the birdsong felt dissonant to the character’s own emotional tone of sorrow and loss. I don't know. I guess that is as good an explanation as any. Classical line of lost love lament...why do the bird's go on singing?

I think the largest issue is the apparent lack of immediate clarity whether by means of a poorly represented literal take or too vague of metaphors that can cause the reader to lose their understanding of the concept. My own interpretation could be very far off from your intended message. I would recommend playing around with some lines to better illustrate the true meaning and remove some of the questioning left up to the reader.

Again, many thanks. I feel a rework is worth it but I may leave it to cook, if only to intensify the core metaphor, which is weak as it stands. What say you?
Best,
tectak

---

Edit 1.000000

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but birds still sang above the sage marquee. I'm a bit confused by setting here. the lines in and of themselves have interesting imagery, but combining them may need work. is the marquee in the painting or above the painter? why mix paint and play imagery?
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be, again, setting a bit confused. where is downwards? why was there silence before the painting and why do birds sing after painting out the sun. should the images be reversed? birds>paint>silence?
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay. again, interesting word choice, but the agency of footfall to the verb hushed?
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; all verbs are in past tense, which is usually a good strategy, but the events of this line are lost to the timeline of the speaker's experience.
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; this line works
much louder than my senses could explain. I like this one too
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay; interesting image, but contradicting the intensity of sound in the previous lines?
while music played a bitter symphony.

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday. it makes sense to drain sensory experience as a consequence of painting out the sun, but does this contradict the singing birds?

thanks for sharing

Hi kole,
please do not think I am sending you a diminished reply...I thought about your crit much longer than I usually do...but time is pressing and I realise that those who kindly commented on this one raise common issues. Could  ask, then, that you read my common reply.
Footfall and hushed notwithstanding.
footfall
ˈfʊtfɔːl/
noun
noun: footfall; plural noun: footfalls

   1.
   the sound of a footstep or footsteps.
   "you will recognize his footfall on the stairs"
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Why is there a comma between "no warm, moist kiss"?

Overall I think this version is much better, especially the clarity on the heartbeat part.


dale

[tectak]

Why is there a comma between "no warm, moist kiss"?

Overall I think this version is much better, especially the clarity on the heartbeat part.


dale

Coordinate Adjectives Versus Cumulative Adjectives

The comma rule comes down to the difference between two kinds of adjectives: coordinate adjectives and cumulative adjectives. Coordinate adjectives are adjectives in a row that each separately modify the noun that follows (1), as in “heavy, bulky box.” Both “heavy” and “bulky” modify “box.” You can even rearrange the adjectives and say, “bulky, heavy box.”

That is why BUT I have no strong views with only two modifiers. With two cumulative adjectives conventional wisdom suggests that the "last before noun" pairs adjective and noun together. Hmmm. Maybe.
Personally, I used it to emphasise the "succulence" as in warm, moist scone. It is no more a "moistscone" than a "moistkiss" and so the comma slows the thing down by adding to the lasciviousness...if that makes sense.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Your right, I was just being dense. I can't even remember why I had an objection now.

dale