morning meditation

[justlikeyou]

morning meditation
by the strawberry patch
a robin poops

[Magpie]

Interesting and real. Basho has quite a few haiku that go down this path a famous one is

fleas and lice
a horse pissing
by my bed

With this in mind and using Basho as an influence I think your haiku would be better if the last line were changed

morning meditation
by the strawberry patch
a robin has a shit

It has more of an element of realism to it. 'poops' is too nice it's obvious what you want to say. There's not much point in aiming to be real and then making it a bit nice or as they say where I come from "polishing a turd" 

 I like it, cheers for the read

Mark

[RiverNotch]

I agree with Mark -- poops feels too, I dunno, funny. Then again, your matter is already fairly funny, so if you're going for punchy humor instead of thoughtful excrement, it's the right word -- your choice. Otherwise, I'm drawn.

[justlikeyou]

Thank guys. Appreciate the comments. What about a flip?

a robin shits –
morning meditation
by the strawberry patch

[Magpie]

Thank guys. Appreciate the comments. What about a flip?

a robin shits –
morning meditation
by the strawberry patch

I think you're better off with 'by the strawberry patch' as the middle line because it works as a pivot line as it can be read forwards, backwards, spun around. Also I would definitely keep the robin and his shit for the last line without question, surprises work better when nothing else comes after and the reader has no choice but to linger on that thought. Put it at the beginning and it will have less impact and be diluted by the other two lines.

Now I really want strawberries hmmm

Mark

[RiverNotch]

Thank guys. Appreciate the comments. What about a flip?

a robin shits –
morning meditation
by the strawberry patch

I think you're better off with 'by the strawberry patch' as the middle line because it works as a pivot line as it can be read forwards, backwards, spun around. Also I would definitely keep the robin and his shit for the last line without question, surprises work better when nothing else comes after and the reader has no choice but to linger on that thought. Put it at the beginning and it will have less impact and be diluted by the other two lines.

Now I really want strawberries hmmm

Mark

And I want a shit