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Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying
kites as if we happened there by chance.
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground.
Previous version:
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I really enjoyed the delicious 'role reversal'. Your Bonnie Brae sounds a lot like my Banockburn, more grim than bonnie.
I am not skilled enough to offer much so sorry if this is meagre or obtuse.
(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonniebrae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the darkest forest man has known.
On a Spring day with wind just strong enough (the triplet (231) made me stumble at the start of this line)
to bloom a sail and launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying
kites like fauns might dance a mating dance.
I brought the finest kite you’ll ever see -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon ( I am presumed to be gasping ? Resolution of above will help)
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail. or something to pace the end of the dragon line)
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky.
I spent two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault. (roll and somersault aren't working for me)
Then sometime after noon we traded places
and I was high above and breeching clouds - ( The highlight of the poem and the first two unexpected lines
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives, were thrilling then I couldn't pick my way through the next two.
I spun and dipped held only by my line. and maybe this is where it should be most lyrical and straightforward)
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled, ( this reads like a question )
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground.
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This seemed so straight forward at first, but I should have known better because now I need to work it out and I can't and late for work and... Anyway this is an initial tester critique but I will be back.
(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting --- I presume that if there is any playing with meanings of 'kiting' it isn't the financial fraud that I've just learnt about, although in specific searches for "Kiting" it does come top of the list. So I'm going for the archaic sense of 'kite' meaning a person who preys on others... possibly
In Bonniebrae a field is split by kills -- I like use of the gaelic/english here which would something like 'nice/lovely/beautiful hill' and its contrast with 'split by kills'. I'm not sure if Bonniebrae is real or fictitious for this poem but as a place name it would read better as Bonnie Brae
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the darkest forest man has known. -- This whole stanza seems as though it could be the key to the rest of the poem. It sounds like it could be a place where there was a battle or war, but then the 'darkest forest' bit throws in something which could be more sinister.
On a Spring day with wind just strong enough -- Is 'Spring' capitalised because it is an actual holiday called 'Spring Day', we don't have that it Britain therefore I may be missing a possible significance of any tradition associated with it.
to bloom a sail and launch a skiff we gathered - -- And this is the first of a few references that are definitely nautical and obviously for a reason. Although at times it is slightly tricky but perhaps that is intentional, from a scientific viewpoint swimming and flying are identical in every way apart from the 'medium' in which they are done.
a score of us to test our skills at flying -- 'a score' here is somewhat disarming because at first it just appears to be quaintly poetic which doesn't seem right -- I can't escape from the whole sinister aspect that I think is present and so score takes on the meaning of a score to settle.
kites like fauns might dance a mating dance. -- Pan???
I brought the finest kite you’ll ever see -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon -- The choice of kite is interesting. We all know that komodo dragons kill humans if they get the opportunity, in fact they'll kill anything, even other komodo dragons.
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign -- I can see how 'reign' could be used here in this context but I think its choice is more for a specific purpose.
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky. -- 'aft' another nautical term -- it may be acceptable as an aviation term also but I'm not sure. When used with 'pulled' here it seems perhaps to work against itself because you don't pull a boat aft, a kite?? perhaps, but I'm certain that its chiefly used as a nautical term. Aft essentially means back or towards the back/rear, but if you are using this so it would read 'then deftly pulled her back' I don't think it works.
I spent two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places -- I know I'm missing something in 'after noon' and 'traded places' just don't know what yet, the use of 'traded' indicates a more business like feel or some kind of dealings
and I was high above and breeching clouds - -- At first this was the only bit of critique I could come up with, because I thought ah ha there's a spelling mistake, but it's not is it 'breeching' I can see a way that both spellings would work but 'breeching' with it's meaning of a harness for an animal(specifically horse) fits in with other stuff like reign, pulled her back/aft -- In my dictionary on my laptop 'breeching' throws up also a thing called a 'hold back' which is the strap of a harness that connects to the 'breeching'
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives, -- this confuses me, it seems to add yet another extra element and I would love to be certain about whether it's inclusion is necessary but I'm not. The falcon does seem like the 'odd-one-out' image of the poem
I spun and dipped held only by my line. -- Flyfishing? Surely not... I'm not being serious.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly -- 'buoyancy' was the first thing that sent me on the 'nautical references trail' although it is appropriate for both water and air. It also has that added meaning of cheerfulness..
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled, -- The horse theme returns
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled -- The boat theme is here twice--a guy wire can be for a sail on a boat-- I don't think it's ever used for kites—I may be wrong there. And 'keeled' is a definite nautical term -- used like this I think it could only refer to a boat that has keeled (past tense) a person can keel over or in past tense they have keeled over but by the very nature of the word and that it is part of a ship to keel and past tensed keeled without the over or other descriptor can only be referring to a ship
back home, my body broke against the ground.
I have said a hell of lot more than what I originally intended - I was only really going to ask a couple of things for clarification, like 'breeching' - but anyway. I've wrote it now, I don't know if it will be of any use because it is hard to make suggestions about a poem when I don't fully understand it's meaning and grammar and punctuation isn't really going to be an issue so there's not much else I can do than say what I'm thinking as I go through each line.
It is ultimately a very fascinating read, cheers
Mark
 wae aye man ye radgie
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It is entirely possible that I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I read the pome, but it did seem a bit forced and unpoetic to me such as in:
and then the darkest forest man has known
On a Spring day
wind just strong enough to bloom a sail and launch a skiff
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
All the above read like fragment of poems read elsewhere, like lines mass produced in a factory in Fujian.
Cliches, conjunctions and unwarranted hyphenation.
Of course, I am sleep deprived and annoyed as a result. So pinch of salt please.
Edit: or just dense
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(06-09-2016, 02:29 PM)DavidF Wrote: I really enjoyed the delicious 'role reversal'. Your Bonnie Brae sounds a lot like my Banockburn, more grim than bonnie.
I am not skilled enough to offer much so sorry if this is meagre or obtuse.
I think you did fine, thanks for commenting it has been very helpful.
(06-09-2016, 08:37 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: This seemed so straight forward at first, but I should have known better because now I need to work it out and I can't and late for work and... Anyway this is an initial tester critique but I will be back.
(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting --- I presume that if there is any playing with meanings of 'kiting' it isn't the financial fraud that I've just learnt about, although in specific searches for "Kiting" it does come top of the list. So I'm going for the archaic sense of 'kite' meaning a person who preys on others... possibly
In Bonniebrae a field is split by kills -- I like use of the gaelic/english here which would something like 'nice/lovely/beautiful hill' and its contrast with 'split by kills'. I'm not sure if Bonniebrae is real or fictitious for this poem but as a place name it would read better as Bonnie Brae
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the darkest forest man has known. -- This whole stanza seems as though it could be the key to the rest of the poem. It sounds like it could be a place where there was a battle or war, but then the 'darkest forest' bit throws in something which could be more sinister.
On a Spring day with wind just strong enough -- Is 'Spring' capitalised because it is an actual holiday called 'Spring Day', we don't have that it Britain therefore I may be missing a possible significance of any tradition associated with it.
to bloom a sail and launch a skiff we gathered - -- And this is the first of a few references that are definitely nautical and obviously for a reason. Although at times it is slightly tricky but perhaps that is intentional, from a scientific viewpoint swimming and flying are identical in every way apart from the 'medium' in which they are done.
a score of us to test our skills at flying -- 'a score' here is somewhat disarming because at first it just appears to be quaintly poetic which doesn't seem right -- I can't escape from the whole sinister aspect that I think is present and so score takes on the meaning of a score to settle.
kites like fauns might dance a mating dance. -- Pan???
I brought the finest kite you’ll ever see -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon -- The choice of kite is interesting. We all know that komodo dragons kill humans if they get the opportunity, in fact they'll kill anything, even other komodo dragons.
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign -- I can see how 'reign' could be used here in this context but I think its choice is more for a specific purpose.
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky. -- 'aft' another nautical term -- it may be acceptable as an aviation term also but I'm not sure. When used with 'pulled' here it seems perhaps to work against itself because you don't pull a boat aft, a kite?? perhaps, but I'm certain that its chiefly used as a nautical term. Aft essentially means back or towards the back/rear, but if you are using this so it would read 'then deftly pulled her back' I don't think it works.
I spent two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places -- I know I'm missing something in 'after noon' and 'traded places' just don't know what yet, the use of 'traded' indicates a more business like feel or some kind of dealings
and I was high above and breeching clouds - -- At first this was the only bit of critique I could come up with, because I thought ah ha there's a spelling mistake, but it's not is it 'breeching' I can see a way that both spellings would work but 'breeching' with it's meaning of a harness for an animal(specifically horse) fits in with other stuff like reign, pulled her back/aft -- In my dictionary on my laptop 'breeching' throws up also a thing called a 'hold back' which is the strap of a harness that connects to the 'breeching'
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives, -- this confuses me, it seems to add yet another extra element and I would love to be certain about whether it's inclusion is necessary but I'm not. The falcon does seem like the 'odd-one-out' image of the poem
I spun and dipped held only by my line. -- Flyfishing? Surely not... I'm not being serious.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly -- 'buoyancy' was the first thing that sent me on the 'nautical references trail' although it is appropriate for both water and air. It also has that added meaning of cheerfulness..
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled, -- The horse theme returns
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled -- The boat theme is here twice--a guy wire can be for a sail on a boat-- I don't think it's ever used for kites—I may be wrong there. And 'keeled' is a definite nautical term -- used like this I think it could only refer to a boat that has keeled (past tense) a person can keel over or in past tense they have keeled over but by the very nature of the word and that it is part of a ship to keel and past tensed keeled without the over or other descriptor can only be referring to a ship
back home, my body broke against the ground.
I have said a hell of lot more than what I originally intended - I was only really going to ask a couple of things for clarification, like 'breeching' - but anyway. I've wrote it now, I don't know if it will be of any use because it is hard to make suggestions about a poem when I don't fully understand it's meaning and grammar and punctuation isn't really going to be an issue so there's not much else I can do than say what I'm thinking as I go through each line.
It is ultimately a very fascinating read, cheers
Mark
WOW!! You have done a lot of work here and you obviously have a sharp eye (and a keen wit)
Heaps of thanks, this is very helpful.
(06-09-2016, 09:11 PM)Achebe Wrote: It is entirely possible that I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I read the pome, but it did seem a bit forced and unpoetic to me such as in:
and then the darkest forest man has known
On a Spring day
wind just strong enough to bloom a sail and launch a skiff
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
All the above read like fragment of poems read elsewhere, like lines mass produced in a factory in Fujian.
Cliches, conjunctions and unwarranted hyphenation.
Of course, I am sleep deprived and annoyed as a result. So pinch of salt please.
Edit: or just dense
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Sorry it didn't work for you.
If there was a specific cliche you noticed I would appreciate you pointing it out as I like to eliminate them when I find them.
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(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonniebrae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side, ....I don't get the relevance of 'southern', unless it has some implications for wind direction. Sounds like meter filler.
a vagrant patch of long untended graves ....'vagrant' patches and 'untended' graves or variants thereof are abstract and have been used too often before in poetry.
and then the darkest forest man has known. .... the hyperbole of 'darkest' is unnecessary. I get it that you're trying to convey a boy's impression, but it sounds too deliberate, the strings show.
On a Spring day with wind just strong enough ...the 'Spring' and 'just strong enough' get me. The latter is using too many words, all meter filler. doing things 'on a spring day' or 'on a summer's afternoon' are cliched. Perhaps 'on a march sunday' or something of the sort would be better. But the line is not entirely damned - you can retain it if nothing else works.
to bloom a sail and launch a skiff we gathered - ...anything better than 'bloom' would be nice. 'bloom a sail', 'sails blooming in the wind', 'sails bloomed like etc etc.' - cliched
a score of us to test our skills at flying ...there weren't exactly twenty of you, were there? 'a score of us' is an easy way of slipping in two imabic meters...not fair.
kites like fauns might dance a mating dance. ...the first good line in the poem
I brought the finest kite you’ll ever see - ... meter filler all. Unnecessary, old fashioned hyperbole.
a hand-painted red komodo dragon ... at last, some detail
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail. ...like 'double wires'
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky.
I spent two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault. ...the action being described is light, airy, and totally at odds with the lugubrious meter you have chosen.
Then sometime after noon we traded places
and I was high above and breeching clouds - ...not sure what why 'breeching', but it gets cleared up towards the end. I think.
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives, ....on re-reading, this line is not bad. I don't like the sound of 'just fledged' - sounds terribly harsh to me, but the idea of the boy becoming one with the kite is nice.
I spun and dipped held only by my line. ..nice. from
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting ...nice
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly ...come on
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled, ...ah. the 'breeching' connection. great.
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground. ....nice ending
Hi milo - not sure if the above is of any use. I loved the ending and the general idea of the boy and kite becoming one, but the regularity of the plodding meter, and some of the word choices, didn't do it for me.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(06-10-2016, 09:44 AM)Achebe Wrote: (06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonniebrae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side, ....I don't get the relevance of 'southern', unless it has some implications for wind direction. Sounds like meter filler.
a vagrant patch of long untended graves ....'vagrant' patches and 'untended' graves or variants thereof are abstract and have been used too often before in poetry.
and then the darkest forest man has known. .... the hyperbole of 'darkest' is unnecessary. I get it that you're trying to convey a boy's impression, but it sounds too deliberate, the strings show.
On a Spring day with wind just strong enough ...the 'Spring' and 'just strong enough' get me. The latter is using too many words, all meter filler. doing things 'on a spring day' or 'on a summer's afternoon' are cliched. Perhaps 'on a march sunday' or something of the sort would be better. But the line is not entirely damned - you can retain it if nothing else works.
to bloom a sail and launch a skiff we gathered - ...anything better than 'bloom' would be nice. 'bloom a sail', 'sails blooming in the wind', 'sails bloomed like etc etc.' - cliched
a score of us to test our skills at flying ...there weren't exactly twenty of you, were there? 'a score of us' is an easy way of slipping in two imabic meters...not fair.
kites like fauns might dance a mating dance. ...the first good line in the poem
I brought the finest kite you’ll ever see - ... meter filler all. Unnecessary, old fashioned hyperbole.
a hand-painted red komodo dragon ... at last, some detail
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail. ...like 'double wires'
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky.
I spent two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault. ...the action being described is light, airy, and totally at odds with the lugubrious meter you have chosen.
Then sometime after noon we traded places
and I was high above and breeching clouds - ...not sure what why 'breeching', but it gets cleared up towards the end. I think.
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives, ....on re-reading, this line is not bad. I don't like the sound of 'just fledged' - sounds terribly harsh to me, but the idea of the boy becoming one with the kite is nice.
I spun and dipped held only by my line. ..nice. from
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting ...nice
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly ...come on
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled, ...ah. the 'breeching' connection. great.
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground. ....nice ending
Hi milo - not sure if the above is of any use. I loved the ending and the general idea of the boy and kite becoming one, but the regularity of the plodding meter, and some of the word choices, didn't do it for me.
Thank you for returning to this and for your additional comments.
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Hello, Milo! I really, really enjoyed this...I've read it through three times to soak it in. I like its cadence, it's beat. I like what it's saying, and how you've said it. I see the 'man flies kite/kite flies man' on the surface...then I see dreams of flight, daydreams--and then a theme of parting- maybe a romance, or an ending of some sort.
I'm sorry this critique isn't more specific. Sometimes I think a sign of a good poem is when I find layers in it. Maybe even a layer you didn't intend. But, it got me thinking...
Good luck--V
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(06-12-2016, 03:39 AM)Vanity Wrote: Hello, Milo! I really, really enjoyed this...I've read it through three times to soak it in. I like its cadence, it's beat. I like what it's saying, and how you've said it. I see the 'man flies kite/kite flies man' on the surface...then I see dreams of flight, daydreams--and then a theme of parting- maybe a romance, or an ending of some sort.
I'm sorry this critique isn't more specific. Sometimes I think a sign of a good poem is when I find layers in it. Maybe even a layer you didn't intend. But, it got me thinking...
Good luck--V
Thank you for commenting on what you thinks works, it is very helpful, are there spots or words/phrasing that you think aren't working? That helps as well.
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(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying
kites as if we happened there by chance.
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground.
[b]Overall, I attempted to derive meaning from this poem, and kept coming up with a love poem, or more aptly, a poem about dating, or going further out on a limb, a boy becoming a man and loosing his virginity.
Even if I'm way off here, I think the first stanza is a bit of a smack in the face when you consider the stanzas that follow. I suppose you could argue that you were trying to forshadow the final stanza... but you make one mention of kills and graves then never return to it.
Throughout the poem there is a lot of detail that seems to be there out of duty, instead of purpose. For example, I spend a few minutes trying to figure out why it is important that the breeze was light or which side of the field the hedges were on. I don't think the first stanza would be missed.
A short critique, I know... but I think I have given you some things to consider.
Previous version:
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(06-12-2016, 04:08 PM)Pdeathstar Wrote: (06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying
kites as if we happened there by chance.
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground.
[b]Overall, I attempted to derive meaning from this poem, and kept coming up with a love poem, or more aptly, a poem about dating, or going further out on a limb, a boy becoming a man and loosing his virginity.
Even if I'm way off here, I think the first stanza is a bit of a smack in the face when you consider the stanzas that follow. I suppose you could argue that you were trying to forshadow the final stanza... but you make one mention of kills and graves then never return to it.
Throughout the poem there is a lot of detail that seems to be there out of duty, instead of purpose. For example, I spend a few minutes trying to figure out why it is important that the breeze was light or which side of the field the hedges were on. I don't think the first stanza would be missed.
A short critique, I know... but I think I have given you some things to consider.
Previous version:
I have volleyed back and forth on the first stanza.
On the one hand, it was there originally because this started as the NaPM prompt and that was the inspiration so if it is not serving the purpose, it should go
On the other, I have tried it without and didn't care for it much. There was a purpose (for me anyway) and the solution may be to make it clearer.
Thanks for the comments, the fact that they fall close to what I was thinking means something should definitely be done, I am just not sure yet.
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Like Deathstar, I find myself wanting a deeper meaning for this one. I see the reference to graves coming back in the final stanza where there's an acknowledgement of the speaker's frailty, and so the mortality theme does give it one meaning beyond the obvious of flying kites. So, I wouldn't recommend dropping the first stanza, I saw that you were going back and forth about that.
(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass. -- I like the image in these last two lines. Gives the feeling of foreboding.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying -- like the line break on flying
kites as if we happened there by chance.
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places -- each time I read this stanza as being about consumption of alcohol or drugs, re-framing the purpose for the group's meeting and for the breaking body at the end. You have the invocation of the line "high as a kite" in the next line, and then 'drunk' in the next. I suppose if I were to really push my interpretation, I could interpret 'line' as being a drug reference as well, although that would be a stretch.
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground. -- I think you should break up this stanza with a full stop somewhere. Having it be one sentence is a bit of a mouthful.
Overall, I feel like this one isn't sure what it wants to do or be. But, it certainly has potential.
Hope this helps some.
Cheers!
Lizzie
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Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(03-22-2017, 02:16 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Like Deathstar, I find myself wanting a deeper meaning for this one. I see the reference to graves coming back in the final stanza where there's an acknowledgement of the speaker's frailty, and so the mortality theme does give it one meaning beyond the obvious of flying kites. So, I wouldn't recommend dropping the first stanza, I saw that you were going back and forth about that.
(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass. -- I like the image in these last two lines. Gives the feeling of foreboding.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying -- like the line break on flying
kites as if we happened there by chance.
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places -- each time I read this stanza as being about consumption of alcohol or drugs, re-framing the purpose for the group's meeting and for the breaking body at the end. You have the invocation of the line "high as a kite" in the next line, and then 'drunk' in the next. I suppose if I were to really push my interpretation, I could interpret 'line' as being a drug reference as well, although that would be a stretch.
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground. -- I think you should break up this stanza with a full stop somewhere. Having it be one sentence is a bit of a mouthful.
Overall, I feel like this one isn't sure what it wants to do or be. But, it certainly has potential.
Hope this helps some.
Cheers!
Lizzie
Thanks, lizzie, I have not looked at this one since NaPm and you have given me some things to think about.
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Joined: May 2013
(06-09-2016, 12:50 PM)milo Wrote: Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills -- kills? Some dutch word for rivers or something?
and hedged by thickets on the southern side, -- Two prepositions. Could potentially say thicket hedged or something if you want.
a vagrant patch of long untended graves -- Could potentially replace long untended with a descriptor. Like disintegrating or crumbling or something else.
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass. -- Could probably reduce word count to say a similar thing.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered - Do you need fill a sail and launch a skiff? Who says skiff? Natty bumppo? I suppose it fits in with the kills.
a score of us to test our skills at flying
kites as if we happened there by chance. -- Doesn't happened there already imply chance?
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places -- is it sometime or some time. idk.
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground.
Previous version:
Pretty cool. Not sure if you really need to do anything to it. Like the kites/ delusional highs (maybe some lovin' in there?) whatnot.
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Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi Milo. Wow, what a wonderful write. I am sorry I didn't jump on the critique wagon before your edit. I was super impressed with how well it was written and feeling a bit intimidated, I think. What a gifted poet. Thank you very much for the read. In order to comment I must critique though my critique is limited to comments:
Kiting
In Bonnie Brae a field is split by kills this was amazing and holds personal significance to me, clever
and hedged by thickets on the southern side,
a vagrant patch of long untended graves
and then the woods, too thick to let light pass.
On a clear day with wind just true enough
to fill a sail or launch a skiff we gathered -
a score of us to test our skills at flying
kites as if we happened there by chance.
The dance began as I unfurled my partner -
a hand-painted red komodo dragon oh, yikes!
with double wires and a twenty-five foot tail.
I slowly let her up and gave her reign her, why certainly
then deftly pulled her aft to paint the sky
then took two hours teaching her to roll
and slowly build to form a somersault.
Then sometime after noon we traded places this troubles me
and I was high above and breaching clouds -
a just-fledged falcon drunk on swoops and dives,
I spun and dipped held only by my line.
But fickle kites don’t have the nerve for kiting
as men don’t have the buoyancy to fly
so who’s to say whose fault, the bridle buckled,
the guy wire snapped, I keeled and then I tumbled
back home, my body broke against the ground. sad
I like poems that can teach without my suffering
through them. I like the things I learned in this
poem. Thank you for the read. It was much
enjoyable. Please have a wonderful day/evening
where ever you are. This was a blessing.
janine
there's always a better reason to love
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