Suburban Camouflage

[Vanity]

Suburban Camouflage 

I saw the movers carry in what had to be
a tanning bed- a vampire coffin- or
a George Forman grill for an elk?
It was the subject of much speculation 
Till last night, the neon purple
tanning lights lit up
their basement windows
like Close Encounters.
My fickle moths have
all abandoned my porchlight
to go bounce off
The glowing glass-
bip. bip. bip.

My new neighbors are excessively fit
and horrendously tan.
Like a sort of cordovan shoe polish tan
That is both unnaturally dark
And slightly greasy.
You almost want to run your finger
down their forearm, and
observe your fingertip.
I have seen the husband strut
From front door to Land Rover
I've seen the glint of his forearm
As I chew a Danish in
the grayish-lavender shade
of my kitchen.

Mrs. Chen has seen the woman
Whilst getting her mail--
The wife has Baywatch blonde hair.
She also has the wooden tobacco Indian tan.
I can't seem to stop looking at her spherical breasts
The nipples are like little marbles 
It's like ignoring someone staring
You lock eyes fixedly,
hoping you don't look crazy
Praying for anything interesting to happen
In the background .

I peel an orange and text
my friend about what freaks they are
Leaving little sticky prints on the screen.
I'm not sure if I'm revolted or jealous
really--their teeth are unnaturally bluish-white
-It's hard not to just watch them flash
while they talk.
They dress...Forever 21
When they have to be...mid-fourties
His neck tattoos 
And her pierced belly button
Make my eyelid shiver
with unspent mirth.

Undoubtedly if I were told to strip
at gunpoint by a bank robber,
I would rather be shot.
I am squishy. My smallish breasts are wiggly.
I'm a pale, washed-out cream color
With freckles, and some scribbly
Violet veins, here and there.
I used to be a character, unforgettable 
Tell a joke to a crowd gal
But not now
Now your eyes will bounce off me
As I'm generally unnoticed 
In my suburban camouflage 
Of black yoga pants
And ponytail.

Mrs. Chen and I 
Drink wine on my back deck
Peering around the pergola,
and perennials
That give my hand something to do
I dead head geraniums,
as our snarky tongues devour
the level of blush wine sinks
In my glass
as the sun sinks,
and the navy night
rises.
My neighbor drags her small, ridiculous,
unwilling dog home
I'm alone in my shivering ferns.

Their clothes are so tight
It's no effort to imagine them naked
Their sex, I imagine, is near perfect-
nothing jiggles
Pretty sweat rolls down
His aquiline nose, her hip bones
Shining bronze angles.
Lights on and eyes open.
I finish my wine
And salute the night sky
With my goblet
     "Ut diligatis vas vacuum replendum."
     May love fill this empty vessel
     The night is long, oh Lord.

They don't have curtains upstairs
I see the yellow rectangles glowing
upstairs--I imagine
they hope someone is watching
maybe--they anticipate I will watch
and that sole thought
is the green button
To the orgasm that
rockets through them.

[Achebe]

Wow. I loved this. It's not easy to write a narrative this long without becoming boring. I will come back later with some more useful feedback, but wanted to shout out an appreciation anyway.

[Vanity]

Wow. I loved this. It's not easy to write a narrative this long without becoming boring. I will come back later with some more useful feedback, but wanted to shout out an appreciation anyway.

Thank you! I've been stewing on this one for a while, and I really needed some talented eyes to help me prune and snip. I look forward to your feedback (-:

[Magpie]

Hi Vanity, an interesting story poem about life in suburbia. It is one of hell of a long poem but it never gets boring enough for me to jump ship and swim. I've left a few comments below—I have to remind myself that this is in the mild forum and try and show some restraint, I will try my best.

Suburban Camouflage 

I saw the movers carry in what had to be
a tanning bed- a vampire coffin- or -- There is a part of me that wants 'either' at the beginning of this list
a George Forman grill for an elk? -- This doesn't work for me compared with the vampire coffin, no need for a question mark either, there's no question being asked.
It was the subject of much speculation -- Too wordy - you could lose this line and incorporate in the next line something like 'last night the answer was clear when the neon' - not like but you get my drift
Till last night, the neon purple
tanning lights lit up
their basement windows
like Close Encounters.
My fickle moths have
all abandoned my porchlight -- Excellent image -- don't need 'all'
to go bounce off
The glowing glass- -- could possibly lose 'the' —Also while I'm at this point I should mention what seems like the random capitalization of some words at the beginning of lines regardless if it is a new sentence or not - I'm thinking that it's some kind of i-pad or notebook issue where it does it automatically - if it is then sort it because it's distracting as hell if it's intentional then I'd love to hear your reasons.
bip. bip. bip. -- I like onomatopoeia but when I imagine moths bouncing off glass I hear slight variation in the sounds - you could change the middle one to 'bop' or something

My new neighbors are excessively fit
and horrendously tan. -- This may be a regional or dialect thing but I would say 'tanned'
Like a sort of cordovan shoe polish tan -- lose the repetition of 'tan' -- perhaps just have the line as 'a cordovan shoe polish'
That is both unnaturally dark -- could lose 'That is both'
And slightly greasy.
You almost want to run your finger
down their forearm, and
observe your fingertip. -- 'observe' doesn't feel right considering the almost conversational tone of the piece
I have seen the husband strut -- to drop 'the' before husband could suit the tone more
From front door to Land Rover
I've seen the glint of his forearm
As I chew a Danish in
the grayish-lavender shade
of my kitchen.

Mrs. Chen has seen the woman
Whilst getting her mail--  -- nice play on words - double-entendre
The wife has Baywatch blonde hair. -- similar to earlier with 'husband' you could drop 'the' before 'wife'
She also has the wooden tobacco Indian tan.
I can't seem to stop looking at her spherical breasts
The nipples are like little marbles 
It's like ignoring someone staring
You lock eyes fixedly, -- these two or three lines read awkwardly - and the uncertainty about the capitalised words doesn't help
hoping you don't look crazy
Praying for anything interesting to happen
In the background .

I peel an orange and text -- Excellent image tying in with the excessive tans
my friend about what freaks they are
Leaving little sticky prints on the screen.
I'm not sure if I'm revolted or jealous
really--their teeth are unnaturally bluish-white
-It's hard not to just watch them flash
while they talk.
They dress...Forever 21
When they have to be...mid-fourties -- ellipsis in these two lines is unnecessary ...
His neck tattoos 
And her pierced belly button
Make my eyelid shiver
with unspent mirth.

Undoubtedly if I were told to strip
at gunpoint by a bank robber,
I would rather be shot. -- I know what you are implying here but the idea that a bank robber has enough time or even a reason to ask people to strip seems unlikely. Try to find another situation/image to express the same thing.
I am squishy. My smallish breasts are wiggly.
I'm a pale, washed-out cream color
With freckles, and some scribbly
Violet veins, here and there.
I used to be a character, unforgettable 
Tell a joke to a crowd gal
But not now -- don't need this line
Now your eyes will bounce off me -- eyes don't bounce unless you take them and ahemm... a 'gaze' could bounce
As I'm generally unnoticed 
In my suburban camouflage 
Of black yoga pants -- drop 'of' and 'and' in these two lines, make it read more like a checklist
And ponytail.

Mrs. Chen and I 
Drink wine on my back deck
Peering around the pergola,
and perennials -- nice alliteration, might sound better with perennials and pergola swapped
That give my hand something to do
I dead head geraniums, -- deadhead all one word - it still works for the image
as our snarky tongues devour
the level of blush wine sinks
In my glass
as the sun sinks,
and the navy night
rises.  -- a rising night seems odd a rising knight however
My neighbor drags her small, ridiculous,
unwilling dog home
I'm alone in my shivering ferns. -- this line should be part of the stanza below, new scene perhaps add something to clarify that your in the ferns watching your new neighbours

Their clothes are so tight -- as with the whole of the poem i would slim down parts like this and be as economical as possible with words 'tight clothes' says the same obviously once the context with the previous line has been sorted
It's no effort to imagine them naked
Their sex, I imagine, is near perfect- -- lose the repetition of 'imagine'
nothing jiggles
Pretty sweat rolls down
His aquiline nose, her hip bones
Shining bronze angles. -- nice imagery in these lines
Lights on and eyes open. -- again slim it down - lose 'and' it makes it read less like prose
I finish my wine
And salute the night sky
With my goblet
     "Ut diligatis vas vacuum replendum."
     May love fill this empty vessel
     The night is long, oh Lord.

They don't have curtains upstairs
I see the yellow rectangles glowing
upstairs--I imagine -- too many upstairs in these three lines
they hope someone is watching
maybe--they anticipate I will watch
and that sole thought
is the green button -- 'green button' seems like a mix up of two images and i don't think it is working - 'green light' would be cliche
To the orgasm that
rockets through them.

All in all an enjoyable read, interesting and witty observations on a suburban life. There are plenty of places where you could lose quite a few words and it would still read as you intended, I highlighted a few but there are more. Also losing the unnecessary would enable the piece to read more as poetry and less like a prose piece. At times your cutting to an image—like peeling an orange—is excellent and humorous, it seems almost cinematic in that it would work well in a film.

Thanks for the read,

Mark 

[Vanity]

Thank you, Mark for the in-depth critique . I especially appreciate all the little recommends on ways to shorten the length. I'm going to rehash it a bit on my laptop. Now I am obsessing over the 'eyes bounce' reword...lol...I don't like 'gaze' and now when I read it I just see, well....eyeballs bouncing
(-:

[Achebe]

Suburban Camouflage 

I saw the movers carry in what had to be  ...'I saw the' is quite wordy and prosey. Why not just 'The movers carried in what had to be / a vampire coffin / or a George Forman grill for an elk'
a tanning bed- a vampire coffin- or ....it's more fun if you leave out the 'tanning bed' here and come to it only after 'neon purple'
a George Forman grill for an elk? 
It was the subject of much speculation  ...very blah line
Till last night, the neon purple
tanning lights lit up
their basement windows
like Close Encounters.  ...unnecessary. There's no other similarity, so the allusion is a distraction
My fickle moths have
all abandoned my porchlight  ...'all' not needed, and two 'my's don't help. Why not 'My fickle moths have abandoned their porchlight / to go bouncing off the glowing gass'
to go bounce off
The glowing glass-
bip. bip. bip. ...from 'moths' to 'bip' is interesting and original

My new neighbors are excessively fit
and horrendously tan. ...the 'horrendously' doesn't help. Why not 'and tan, like a sort of cordovan' etc. The 'horrendously' is implied in shoe polish
Like a sort of cordovan shoe polish tan ..I like the repetition of 'tan' here.
 AltThat is both unnaturally dark ..'that is both' not required.
And slightly greasy.
You almost want to run your finger
down their forearm, and
observe your fingertip. ..after reading this line, I find the 'and' to be misplaced. 'observe' should be moved to the previous line.
I have seen the husband strut
From front door to Land Rover
I've seen the glint of his forearm ..too many 'I have seen's
As I chew a Danish in
the grayish-lavender shade
of my kitchen.

Mrs. Chen has seen the woman ..'the wife' saves repetition
Whilst getting her mail--
The wife has Baywatch blonde hair.
She also has the wooden tobacco Indian tan. ..She has the cordovan shoe polish tan. Enough about tan already. Is this line necessary?
I can't seem to stop looking at her spherical breasts ...'I can't seem to' - too wordy.
The nipples are like little marbles ...beautiful
It's like ignoring someone staring
You lock eyes fixedly,
hoping you don't look crazy
Praying for anything interesting to happen
In the background .

I peel an orange and text
my friend about what freaks they are ....beautiful
Leaving little sticky prints on the screen.
I'm not sure if I'm revolted or jealous
really--their teeth are unnaturally bluish-white
-It's hard not to just watch them flash
while they talk.
They dress...Forever 21
When they have to be...mid-fourties
His neck tattoos 
And her pierced belly button
Make my eyelid shiver
with unspent mirth.

Undoubtedly if I were told to strip
at gunpoint by a bank robber,
I would rather be shot.
I am squishy. My smallish breasts are wiggly. ....lovely
I'm a pale, washed-out cream color
With freckles, and some scribbly
Violet veins, here and there.
I used to be a character, unforgettable 
Tell a joke to a crowd gal
But not now
Now your eyes will bounce off me
As I'm generally unnoticed 
In my suburban camouflage 
Of black yoga pants
And ponytail.

Mrs. Chen and I 
Drink wine on my back deck
Peering around the pergola,
and perennials
That give my hand something to do
I dead head geraniums,
as our snarky tongues devour
the level of blush wine sinks
In my glass
as the sun sinks,
and the navy night
rises.
My neighbor drags her small, ridiculous,
unwilling dog home
I'm alone in my shivering ferns.

Their clothes are so tight
It's no effort to imagine them naked
Their sex, I imagine, is near perfect-
nothing jiggles
Pretty sweat rolls down
His aquiline nose, her hip bones
Shining bronze angles.
Lights on and eyes open.
I finish my wine
And salute the night sky
With my goblet
     "Ut diligatis vas vacuum replendum."
     May love fill this empty vessel
     The night is long, oh Lord.

They don't have curtains upstairs
I see the yellow rectangles glowing
upstairs--I imagine
they hope someone is watching
maybe--they anticipate I will watch
and that sole thought
is the green button
To the orgasm that
rockets through them. ....love the ending

Hi Vanity - I ran out of time on this post. I hope the above is ok for Mild. Basically, you can use some word economy. You have some really powerful images through the poem and the ending is splendid. Overall, I loved this poem. If you edit it, it will sparkle.

[Wjames]

Suburban Camouflage 

I saw the movers carry in what had to be
a tanning bed- a vampire coffin- or
a George Forman grill for an elk? Foreman. I like the introduction very much.
It was the subject of much speculation 
Till last night, the neon purple Why is "Till" capitalised?
tanning lights lit up
their basement windows
like Close Encounters.
My fickle moths have
all abandoned my porchlight
to go bounce off
The glowing glass-
bip. bip. bip. Delightful light-hearted image.

My new neighbors are excessively fit 
and horrendously tan. Excellent turn.
Like a sort of cordovan shoe polish tan
That is both unnaturally dark
And slightly greasy. Again the random capitalising of the beginning of some lines confuses me, but it's not a big deal.
You almost want to run your finger
down their forearm, and
observe your fingertip.
I have seen the husband strut
From front door to Land Rover
I've seen the glint of his forearm
As I chew a Danish in
the grayish-lavender shade
of my kitchen. This sentence is a bit of a mouthful, I think there should be some punctuation in there (i.e a comma after Land Rover). I also don't like the repetition of "I have seen" -> "I've seen" so soon after, for no real purpose.

Mrs. Chen has seen the woman
Whilst getting her mail--
The wife has Baywatch blonde hair.
She also has the wooden tobacco Indian tan. This seems too natural a colour for me; I prefer to imagine them orangutan orange. Of course that is more from a spray tan than a tanning bed, but that wouldn't bother me.
I can't seem to stop looking at her spherical breasts 
The nipples are like little marbles 
It's like ignoring someone staring There should be some punctuation in these three lines, I definitely pause a couple of times when reading them.
You lock eyes fixedly,
hoping you don't look crazy
Praying for anything interesting to happen
In the background.

I peel an orange and text
my friend about what freaks they are 
Leaving little sticky prints on the screen. I think there should be a comma after the second line of this stanza, I naturally pause there.
I'm not sure if I'm revolted or jealous
really--their teeth are unnaturally bluish-white I don't think "really" is necessary.
-It's hard not to just watch them flash
while they talk.
They dress...Forever 21 I think this line is the weakest in the poem, I would cut it if I were you.
When they have to be...mid-fourties
His neck tattoos 
And her pierced belly button
Make my eyelid shiver
with unspent mirth. I think you could keep the bit about them being mid-fourties and contrast it with these images (it already is contrasting, but I think it would be stronger without mentioning forever 21 - for some reason that line really irks me.) 

Undoubtedly if I were told to strip Undoubtedly isn't necessary here imo.
at gunpoint by a bank robber,
I would rather be shot.
I am squishy. My smallish breasts are wiggly. What's wrong with wiggly breasts?
I'm a pale, washed-out cream color
With freckles, and some scribbly
Violet veins, here and there. Here and there is superfluous as well.
I used to be a character, unforgettable 
Tell a joke to a crowd gal
But not now There should be some punctuation at the end of this line - I pause here.
Now your eyes will bounce off me
As I'm generally unnoticed 
In my suburban camouflage 
Of black yoga pants
And ponytail. I like the next turn here - one would have assumed the title was referring to the tans etc of the narrators neighbours.

Mrs. Chen and I 
Drink wine on my back deck
Peering around the pergola, I like the word pergola, I don't think I've heard it before.
and perennials
That give my hand something to do I think there should be some punctuation here.
I dead head geraniums,
as our snarky tongues devour
the level of blush wine sinks
In my glass
as the sun sinks,
and the navy night
rises.
My neighbor drags her small, ridiculous, I don't think you need "ridiculous" - I already picture a Paris Hilton esque dog from small, and what you've already said about these people.
unwilling dog home
I'm alone in my shivering ferns.

Their clothes are so tight
It's no effort to imagine them naked I think there should be a period here.
Their sex, I imagine, is near perfect-
nothing jiggles
Pretty sweat rolls down
His aquiline nose, her hip bones
Shining bronze angles.
Lights on and eyes open.
I finish my wine
And salute the night sky
With my goblet
     "Ut diligatis vas vacuum replendum."
     May love fill this empty vessel
     The night is long, oh Lord.

They don't have curtains upstairs
I see the yellow rectangles glowing
upstairs--I imagine You don't need to say upstairs again, we know that from the first line.
they hope someone is watching
maybe--they anticipate I will watch
and that sole thought
is the green button
To the orgasm that
rockets through them. A pleasing finish.

I really enjoyed the content of the poem. Some things distracted me from the content, though: in many places (more than the couple I pointed out) I found it necessary to pause, and you had no punctuation to guide my pauses. I had to add my own punctuation while reading, which may have made the rhythm of the poem different than you intended. Also, you seem to capitalize/not-capitalize the beginning of lines at random as well - I would recommend only capitalizing certain proper nouns and the beginning of sentences, but if you are going to capitalize the beginning of lines, do it for every single line.

That being said, it was a great read, and I liked how it turns from intrigue to hate to jealousy to hate - or maybe they're all the same thing.

[Vanity]

Thanks very much to all who responded and took the time to critique. I'm now editing this on my laptop, incorporating advice.
I always have trouble with punctuation...sometimes I feel like my line break is my 'pause/comma' but I know that doesn't always translate. I also have 'capitalization issues' lol--I mean my iPad doesn't help, but sometimes I'm not sure where I want them....then I end up with an amazingly long run on sentance with line breaks...
I'm working on polishing this up so I can submit it to a literary magazine. (Crossing fingers)