Letting You Go

[whatisay-whatifeel]

Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb 
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to, 
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse 

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories, 
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

[billy]

first off, if you want to resize the text just put it all in one set of quotes

Code:

[size=x-small][font=Times New Roman] whole poem here.....[/font][/size]

the meaning is obvious, and you show it well, the problem is you're showing it as a good poem, while it's very clear, it's also very non-poetic. use some simile and metaphor, use some assonance, consonance or alteration; heck, use all three. i've read this poem a thousand times elsewhere, make it be the first time for me to read it. just stick with it, it does get easier.

Letting You Go


I keep walking until I feel numb
not aware of the world around me, or even myself weak first two lines, use a simile or metaphor; make the reader want to stay.
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to,
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real so far there's little if anything that grabs me ; basically all i got from 7 lines of poetry is "i'm walking and i'm numb"

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories,
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

[Todd]

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me

Hi, Welcome to the site! I have one piece of advice for you. These lines above are your idea not your poem. You need to figure out a way to express this idea figuratively. Don't directly spell it out. Think of a way to describe this with an image and carry that idea through the poem. Does that make sense?

I think it will help the poem. I hope it does.

Best,

Todd

[Christy]

Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb 
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to, 
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse 

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories, 
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

------
Hello, I agree with the previous reviewers. I’ll add that it rings true, and I think believability is a really good platform upon which to make a really good poem. 

Your last stanza reads (to me) like what the narrator ultimately fears will happen, as opposed to what will necessarily happen. I think that’s the crux, and I would remove all references to fear (i.e. scared) from stanza 2 and let fear speak for itself.

[homer1950]

Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb 
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to, 
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse 

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories, 
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

In your first three lines there is a feeling of redundancy. L1- Your numb L2- You are un-aware L3- You can not feel anything.

In L1 as the reader, I would like to know what feeling numb is like for you? Expand and express

L3- The term maybe takes away from the strong emotions you seem to want to convey in the lines that follow. What if you just don't want to? Also the word maybe is a weak contemplation. What other words could you have used to question your emotions? 

L8- The same as previously stated - the word maybe weakens the line's emotional content. Again; What if you just knew you were scared? 

In the rest of your poem it appears that you are using such words as: me, you and numb for Poetic Intensity? The lines do not feel intense they feel more repetitive or gimmicky. I think the use of some well-placed metaphors and semiles would help bring out more clarity and intensity in your poem.




    
 

[Mattp]

whatisay-whatifeel - hey. It may very well be that your self-awareness will lay the foundation of an excellent poem; you're just not there yet. You need to set aside the literal and express what you're trying to convey in a new and interesting/engaging way. You have begun the process. Keep at it.

[LunaDeLore]

first off, if you want to resize the text just put it all in one set of quotes

Code:

[size=x-small][font=Times New Roman] whole poem here.....[/font][/size]

the meaning is obvious, and you show it well, the problem is you're showing it as a good poem, while it's very clear, it's also very non-poetic. use some simile and metaphor, use some assonance, consonance or alteration; heck, use all three. i've read this poem a thousand times elsewhere, make it be the first time for me to read it. just stick with it, it does get easier.

Letting You Go


I keep walking until I feel numb  
not aware of the world around me, or even myself weak first two lines, use a simile or metaphor; make the reader want to stay.
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to,
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real so far there's little if anything that grabs me ; basically all i got from 7 lines of poetry is "i'm walking and i'm numb"

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories,
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

Whatisay,

I too think that you could use some metaphor or simile in this work. It reads clearly and flows well but its more along the lines of prose. Alice Notlty said something like, when you write poetry you hold something back and when you write prose you just let it all out. This work does seem like more of the latter. Another thing is that you need to stay away from the cliche:

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you
Was made of you
And only you

Was made of you and only you.... leans more to cliche.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading.

Luna

[Stevenevansrenteria]

Let me just say, I love the personality that this has. It's very personal, yet universal. I love your use of fours. "It would...", "... me", then your shift to three with the "... you" makes sure it isn't stale. Repetition is something I'm always fond of as a musician, anything that's repeated has an intended poignancy and I love being able to know how important something is in a given stanza. Not sure if there is intentionally no punctuation at the end of lines, or if it was just forgotten.
Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to,  [I'm not sure how to read this line. One sentence or a break between anything and or?] 
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real

And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse [Maybe expound on this a little more. Do you mean a literally a collapse, or an inward collapse?]

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you. [This stanza seems almost out of place. In the previous line do you mean "with" when you say "where"?
Was made of you I see that you're trying to say you're lacking something without them, but is there anyway to maybe have more 
And only you.      text in this stanza without it going on and on? Repetition is good, but it has to make sense]

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories, 
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears [POWERFUL ENDING, it hits deep where It's meant to, the only thing I have to say about it is that the last sentence is a little awkwardly phrased. "I'll be so numb, that even my tears won't be felt." Just a suggestion.]

Overall, I loved this poem, and I think it's one that will stay with me for some time. 

[mitsuch]

Hey! Since it seems like you haven't been able to figure out a way to express these clear thoughts in a manner that seems evocative and engaging, I would like to suggest something. It would be an interesting twist if you try to use shakespearan formation of sentences to express these similar thoughts, hence keeping the beauty of the clear cut meaning, yet keeping it a form of art.
I will provide some examples and as the first few reviewers said, try to use some figures of speech to really put across your feelings.

Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to, - I cannot feel, or is it that I do not wish to?
because if I do it would make all of this real - as if I do so, it is real.
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real

And maybe I’m just scared - Maybe the fear is what grips me
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse

And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you.
Was made of you
And only you.

So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories,
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears

[Bunx]

Really like what your trying to say here, and the way it comes across. I agree with the posters above in the sense that it is not very poetic, but I think it has to potential to be an awesome poem.

I keep walking until I feel numb
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to,
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real

Walking numb on broken paths,
blinded to the world and myself.
Emotions, unwanted.
When you eyes no longer look back.
Reality was us.
Now your gone.

This might not be the must poetic of paraphrasing but the point is everything that your saying can take shape into a beautiful piece.
Thanks much for the post!

[Vanity]

Hello!
I agree with the previous reviewers...this needs more...visual texture and imagery . I think poetry is a great way to pour out feelings on paper--but then you have to kind of pat these thoughts into shapes other people can see.
Good luck-V