No Apollo

[DavidF]

First edit.

I'm No Apollo.

Today I ran and the Sun shone
And I thought of you
It comes to me in waves
I envy the Sun


For he knows
he knows the things
the things that bring joy
to the people he's touched



Original.

Today I ran, and the Sun shone,
and I thought of you.
I envy the Sun
for he knows
he knows the things
the things that bring joy
to the people he's touched.

D.

[Achebe]

The first two lines are obviously what inspired you to write this. But after that, the poem loses its way.
The know/knows and things / things are pointless repetitions.
You've posted it on misc, so not looking to workshop. That's fine, but I think you can do more with the opener you have.

[DavidF]

The first two lines are obviously what inspired you to write this. But after that, the poem loses its way.
The know/knows and things / things are pointless repetitions.
You've posted it on misc, so not looking to workshop. That's fine, but I think you can do more with the opener you have.

The poem lost it's way ? 

Of the three options I find that the least likely.

Still, thanks for noticing my use of repetition.

D.

[Achebe]

The repetitions are why the poem 'loses its way' as a poem. Different if it were a song.
The two 'things' and two 'knows' don't refer to different 'things' and 'knows' but is the exact same word I the exact same context. If you meant otherwise, it's not coming through.
The first repetition is ok, the second overdoes it.

But your poem.

[RiverNotch]

Today I ran, and the Sun shone, This line feels like the main weight of the piece. After this line....
and I thought of you. ....it deflates. Who is "you" here? Even the following sentiment doesn't bring that out clearly enough....
I envy the Sun ....I mean, this line has a ton of potential, especially with the title's reference to Apollo, but....
for he knows 
he knows the things ....first you have this line, which is really just a repetition of the earlier line's last words and the next line's beginnings (which themselves have not yet earned the thematic weight to actually make them repeatable; "knows" and "things" aren't even noteworthy words by themselves!)....
the things that bring joy ....and then this line, which is really just too wordy....
to the people he's touched. ....and finally this line, which, really, what do we care about people? Especially since people here refers to practically everyone -- few people ever actually live and die in only caves -- and the poem doesn't seem to be the humanist piece it might be better off being (again, that "you").  So, again, good opening idea, but ultimately, bplffft. Might be better as just

Today I ran, and the Sun shone.
I envy the Sun,
who alone knows
the things you enjoy.

though that still feels a little too prosaic.

[DavidF]

So, again, good opening idea, but ultimately, bplffft. Might be better as just

Today I ran, and the Sun shone.
I envy the Sun,
who alone knows
the things you enjoy.

though that still feels a little too prosaic.

'He knows the things that bring joy to the people he's touched' 

is not quite fully contained in your
 
'who alone knows the things you enjoy.'


I am genuinely surprised that critics seem convinced the repetition was without purpose. Still I guess I am learning something.

Bplfft indeed.

D.

[milo]

So, again, good opening idea, but ultimately, bplffft. Might be better as just

Today I ran, and the Sun shone.
I envy the Sun,
who alone knows
the things you enjoy.

though that still feels a little too prosaic.

'He knows the things that bring joy to the people he's touched' 

is not quite fully contained in your
 
'who alone knows the things you enjoy.'


I am genuinely surprised that critics seem convinced the repetition was without purpose. Still I guess I am learning something.

Bplfft indeed.

D.

Much like any poetic device, repetition needs to service the reader or it fails. Whatever the purpose is here, it's not clear on reading so it serves rather as a distraction. A focus on editing might be to make the repetition serve the reader more or make its need clearer.

[DavidF]

'He knows the things that bring joy to the people he's touched' 

is not quite fully contained in your
 
'who alone knows the things you enjoy.'


I am genuinely surprised that critics seem convinced the repetition was without purpose. Still I guess I am learning something.

Bplfft indeed.

D.

Much like any poetic device, repetition needs to service the reader or it fails. Whatever the purpose is here, it's not clear on reading so it serves rather as a distraction. A focus on editing might be to make the repetition serve the reader more or make its need clearer.

Fair enough, I'll try to stop being petulant. I've added a line.