Games

[Rogo]

"Games" v2

I glance at anchors 
on screen as I 
glance at history

textbooks. I cannot edit 
“now.” Rifts along my palms 
channel canyons, and echoes of 
escape press on
from A to B.     Another life! Figures, 

versing sonic 
         tosses, block, puzzling 
a litany of throes. “Out
in the real world” rings as I touch 
upon reset. Once again,

                   my motions fall
           into pixels 
like Luigi. 


"Games" v1

I glance
at screens as I
glance at history

textbooks. I can’t edit                                        5
“now.” I will,
I move A to B
— another life!

Figures,
amid sonic tosses,                                               10
             block, contemplating
a litany of throws. “Out
in the real world” rings as
I touch upon reset. Motion

falls into pixels
like a Mario once
again.

[Achebe]

"litany" as in sacred song or complaint? Perhaps "series" might be more appropriate here?

[Mattp]

Rogo - I like this. I understand it as a quick glance at gaming. In such capacity I think it works. A few nits, though. For one, this notion of glancing at a screen doesn't work with the gaming theme - games require concentration. For another this idea of editing "now" confuses me. Not sure what you meant there.

On the whole though I think this is inventive. Looking forward to more of yours. Cheers,

- Matt

[Rogo]

Rogo - I like this. I understand it as a quick glance at gaming. In such capacity I think it works. A few nits, though. For one, this notion of glancing at a screen doesn't work with the gaming theme - games require concentration. For another this idea of editing "now" confuses me. Not sure what you meant there.

On the whole though I think this is inventive. Looking forward to more of yours. Cheers,

- Matt

I'm afraid the poem wasn't intended to be to be a quick glance at gaming. I was attempting to convey the lack of control over my own life and the society I live in. I wanted to use video games as an escape to a world where I am in control. 

The "screens" were meant to be a reference to the news, which I tried to explain with the sentence "I can't edit 'now'" — "now" as in the present. I was afraid the first stanza would be confusing, so I tried to use "another life" (another screen) as a double meaning for another life outside of reality and another life I got in the game. I see that my effort proved to be insufficient. If anyone has any ideas on how to properly implement this, I would love to hear them.

Thank you for your thoughtful critique, Mattp. It is greatly appreciated!

"litany" as in sacred song or complaint? Perhaps "series" might be more appropriate here?

I understand what you mean. I was trying to reference the phrase "litany of woes" as a sort of pun. I felt it made sense because it could be talking about the throws/punches in a fighting game, but also the throws (and woes) in real life. 

Thank you for your input!

[Achebe]

Hi Rogo - a pun works only if both meanings make sense. I get what you were trying to do, but just as 'a den of sleeves' cannot be a pun on 'den of thieves', neither does it work in your poem.
A litany of woes is a song / dirge of complaints. You can have a litany of sorrows, a litany that's prose, a litany about your nose, and one that no one knows, but not one of throws!

[Magpie]

Hi Rogo - a pun works only if both meanings make sense. I get what you were trying to do, but just as 'a den of sleeves' cannot be a pun on 'den of thieves', neither does it work in your poem.
A litany of woes is a song / dirge of complaints. You can have a litany of sorrows, a litany that's prose, a litany about your nose, and one that no one knows, but not one of throws!

How about a litany of throes?

[Achebe]

Hi Rogo - a pun works only if both meanings make sense. I get what you were trying to do, but just as 'a den of sleeves' cannot be a pun on 'den of thieves', neither does it work in your poem.
A litany of woes is a song / dirge of complaints. You can have a litany of sorrows, a litany that's prose, a litany about your nose, and one that no one knows, but not one of throws!

How about a litany of throes?

Nice!

[Rogo]

Hi Rogo - a pun works only if both meanings make sense. I get what you were trying to do, but just as 'a den of sleeves' cannot be a pun on 'den of thieves', neither does it work in your poem.
A litany of woes is a song / dirge of complaints. You can have a litany of sorrows, a litany that's prose, a litany about your nose, and one that no one knows, but not one of throws!

You make a fair argument. The "pun" could certainly be strengthened, but I'm confused as to why "litany of throws" is nonsensical. Would you elaborate please? 

I apologize — I'm not trying to be difficult.

Hi Rogo - a pun works only if both meanings make sense. I get what you were trying to do, but just as 'a den of sleeves' cannot be a pun on 'den of thieves', neither does it work in your poem.
A litany of woes is a song / dirge of complaints. You can have a litany of sorrows, a litany that's prose, a litany about your nose, and one that no one knows, but not one of throws!

How about a litany of throes?

Ha! This is excellent! I hope you won't mind if I borrow it.


I submitted a revised version of the poem in the OP. I felt it was too plain, lacking more descriptive passages. I also tried to clear up the confusion of "screen" in the first stanza. 

At the moment, I'm attempting to improve upon the image at the end. It's meant to liken the feeling of powerlessness to that of a video game character who is controlled by a player. I also think that some of the line breaks might be a bit much. Any thoughts? 

[Magpie]

Hi Rogo,

I quickly just wanted to say that it is best if you post your newest version of the poem at the very top before everything else. Hopefully no-one will come along and leave comments on your original without realising.

I'll come back to this and leave a critique later on. And also, as regards 'litany of throes', it was yours all along anyway as I'm sure that is what you must have been thinking somehow. 

Cheers,

Mark

[CRNDLSM]

I read your explanation first

[quote='Rogo' pid='211091' dateline='1464032941']
"Games" v2

I glance at anchors anchors really helps clarify the news.  
on screen as I 
glance at history although TV news is dramatically different from History textbooks, I think of them more as glossy magazines in checkout lines

textbooks. I cannot edit 
“now.” Rifts along my palms 
channel canyons, and echoes of     
escape press on           
from A to B.     Another life! Figures,  old school gaming

versing sonic 
         tosses, block, puzzling   this makes me feel like im playing the game
a litany of throes. “Out
in the real world” rings as I touch 
upon reset. Once again,       i hit reset when the game freezes or im about to die at a saving point, why here?

                   my motions fall
           into pixels 
like Luigi.   like Luigi seems cheesy, too iconic, but how else could it be obviously about gaming?