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I'm not really happy with this one, I think it needs a lot of work but I also think there is some good stuff here. Anyway just looking for tips on shaping this up into something more finished. Thanks!
The world can be a scary place
I remember because I was once on that sinking ship
and I jumped
and with a tremendous splash I hit
I was flailing
panic stole me
and I swore there to myself that I would die
But a lifeboat came
you were on it
it came with a warm embrace that filled me to the bone
we could feel it enter our bloodstream
balloon in our stomach's like a gentle explosion of
the suns golden energy
and I jumped aboard and looked into your eyes
and there was beauty there
and I stole it and made it mine dear friend
we drift alone
with only each other for company
lost in an endless expanse of solitude
each day drifting further
from anywhere we had been before
two survivors and a lifeboat
without food drink
without drive or spirit
nor' hope
better pray dear friend
we looked hungrily at each other and
without a shred of regret or review you fed me
You pierced your heart once more
I caught your soul as it left your body
and with the life I stole
I found harbor
and left you in my memories forever
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I miss rhythm and flow in the sentences. I would avoid "because". Don't explain but show. "Sinking ship", "lifeboat" and harbors are a bit of a cliché. If you use those, it should be creatively. Give us something new. I do like how you explore images, but sometimes they are a bit over the top: "balloon in our stomach's like a gentle explosion of
the suns golden energy". I would trim that down a notch. Be creative, but keep it real.
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Yea it was over the top because I was trying to describe a heroin rush. I was trying to find a way to make the reader understand that it wasn't really a lifeboat.
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I feel this poem is a bit hard to grasp, but as you said, I think you have something going here. I tried my best to give some feedback.
(05-17-2016, 03:42 AM)psychonaut Wrote: I'm not really happy with this one, I think it needs a lot of work but I also think there is some good stuff here. Anyway just looking for tips on shaping this up into something more finished. Thanks!
The world can be a scary place
I remember because I was once on that sinking ship Might be how you want it, but I find it hard to know if "that sinking ship" points to the world or the feeling that it is scary
and I jumped
and with a tremendous splash I hit Again, might be that you want it to be vague..But if you jumped from the world/scary feelings, what did you hit?
I was flailing
panic stole me
and I swore there to myself that I would die
But a lifeboat came
you were on it
it came with a warm embrace that filled me to the bone
we could feel it enter our bloodstream
balloon in our stomach's like a gentle explosion of
the suns golden energy
and I jumped aboard and looked into your eyes
and there was beauty there Maybe "and I saw beauty there, so I stole it...", I like it either way
and I stole it and made it mine dear friend "my dear friend" or "mine, dear friend" would feel more natural to me
we drift alone
with only each other for company
lost in an endless expanse of solitude
each day drifting further
from anywhere we had been before
two survivors and a lifeboat
without food drink put in a comma or something here "without food, drink"/ "food or drink"
without drive or spirit
nor' hope
better pray dear friend
we looked hungrily at each other and
without a shred of regret or review you fed me
You pierced your heart once more
I caught your soul as it left your body
and with the life I stole
I found harbor
and left you in my memories forever
Thank you for sharing
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(05-17-2016, 03:42 AM)psychonaut Wrote: I'm not really happy with this one, I think it needs a lot of work but I also think there is some good stuff here. Anyway just looking for tips on shaping this up into something more finished. Thanks!
The world can be a scary place cliche off the bat. How many times have you heard this exact phrase said? why waste time repeating it.
I remember because I was once on that sinking ship cliche two
and I jumped
and with a tremendous splash I hit sensations during the trip could be interesting. This a to b is boring.
I was flailing
panic stole me
and I swore there to myself that I would die such plain melodramatic language. I kinda like panic stole me, but you need to build off that more.
But a lifeboat came
you were on it
it came with a warm embrace that filled me to the bone
we could feel it enter our bloodstream
balloon in our stomach's like a gentle explosion of
the suns golden energy
and I jumped aboard and looked into your eyes
and there was beauty there
and I stole it and made it mine dear friend
we drift alone
with only each other for company
lost in an endless expanse of solitude
each day drifting further
from anywhere we had been before this is all very generic. you don't need this many words to say what you are saying, if you choose to use this many words they need to be more impactful. it's almost like you don't care or are indeferent about the subject. we did this, then we did that, and after that we did this. Ok?
two survivors and a lifeboat
without food drink
without drive or spirit
nor' hope without would probably work better than nor'. No sense in getting strange all of a sudden.
better pray dear friend
we looked hungrily at each other and
without a shred of regret or review you fed me
You pierced your heart once more suggest: you fed me your pierced heart for the last time
I caught your soul as it left your body
and with the life I stole
I found harbor
and left you in my memories forever
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No line-by-line; I don't feel it's necessary. Biggest issue, however: punctuation. I get the heroin rush sort of thing, but I don't think it deserves the abandonment of punctuation altogether. I'm not bothered by the lifeboat and sinking ship as clichés, but it could use a little more originality. Heroin is a big problem where I live, having lost several local students to it this year, one just a few days ago. I can't say I'm particularly fond of this portrayal, but having never tried it, I only know the outside-looking-in perspective, which is a pretty ugly sight.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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Hey Blueprint, yea I have trouble with punctuation. It just doesn't come naturally to me, maybe because I have no real education about this sort of thing. Ill try and shape that up a little bit.
Deathstar, you are totally right they are cliche as hell, Ill see if I can't find a way to make those lines my own a little more
And Joseph, again I'll try to put some punctuation in here.
It would be great if when I do I can put it up again and get some suggestions on how to improve it because although I (sometimes) know how to punctuate a sentence correctly but I don't know how to use it to influence my poetry.
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Well. In ordered avoid cliche and at the same time make the poem more interesting, instead of telling us the world is scary, show us why.
P
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The poem is good, but it can be improved. First, you need punctuation at the end of each section, as well as commas after almost every line. Right now, the poem seems a bit rushed. Also, the spacing of each section is a it out of whack, and while I understand that it is trying to show emphasis with the single line parts, you might want to add some stuff with those or bunch them together. It is a good poem, though, and I like it.
