Coffee Pants

[BecktheDog]

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling,
all. over. his. leg.
 
The dispossessed feeling of anger and sadness
is waning,
and joy
is taking its place.

[aschueler]

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling,
all. over. his. leg.
 
The dispossessed feeling of anger and sadness
is waning,
and joy
is taking its place.

I like the title most of all.  The forced pauses with periods are anathema.

Your last stanza would be served better as a an image;  that's one of the things that makes things poetic.  The subject matter seems fitting and appropriate.

[justcloudy]

Beck,

You start out well, with solid images and a humorous situation, but the periods in line 4 aren't doing you any favors, and the last 4 lines don't do much at all. Try giving us another image to work with, or staying with the coffee stained pants. Tell us something like how the stain looks like the boy's favorite superhero's insignia and that's what makes him joyful (well maybe not exactly that, but you get the idea). In the first part you do a great job of giving us something to see-- continue that!

Good luck with the edit!

-jc

[BecktheDog]

Thanks for the suggestions.  I agree that editing the periods will release the line from a feeling of forced meaning.  I will edit the second stanza to provide more imagery.

[dukealien]

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling,
all. over. his. leg.
 
The dispossessed feeling of anger and sadness
is waning,
and joy
is taking its place.

Once you get into it, this is so good it's hard to critique.  You might omit "also" as inessential.  I also mildly question the commas after "spilling" and "waning" - the former more than the latter.

Another thing is L4.  On first reading, the periods work and give an appropriate stumble to the motion.  But it's also a bit trendy, a Valley voice, if you will, which tends to be supercillious ... which is not indicated here.  Just a suggestion:  you might try placing each word on its own line thus

all
over
his
leg.

which should produce the right reading without the fadlishness.

The sentiment, though, is terrific - and so seldom seen in these days of safe spaces and trigger warnings:  picture of a person getting over himself.  Very fine.

(The above without reading the other critics, please forgive any duplication in the above.)

[ellajam]

Hi, Beck, welcome to the Pen.

I want to talk about the last four lines. I love them, they are the type of lines I write myself, but they are place holders. What they are saying is perfect and clear, the challenge is to express it in a striking, unique way, something the reader will absorb and feel. It's tough, but for me a worthwhile pastime.

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling,
all. over. his. leg.
 
The dispossessed feeling of anger and sadness
is waning,
and joy
is taking its place.

[BecktheDog]

EDIT #1

What do you guys think?
I don't feel great about the second stanza.

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling, 
all
over
his
leg. 
 
Despite the mishap,
the dispossessed feeling of anger and sadness
he constantly feels
is waning, 
and joy
is taking its place.

[Todd]

Hi Beck, It's a good practice to add edits to poems in the original post along with the original so that people don't continue to comment on the previous revision. That said, let me give you some comments below.

EDIT #1

What do you guys think?
I don't feel great about the second stanza.

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling, 
all
over
his
leg. --I find this change gimmicky. I think it worked better as a normal line. The first strophe has an easy sense of language which you abandon in the next strophe. 
 
Despite the mishap,--This narrative transition doesn't work for me. It feels too much like a transition in an essay.
the dispossessed feeling of anger and sadness--You go off the rails here in my opinion. This is wordy and abstract. There's no power to it. Your word choice doesn't allow the reader to access the experience. This is shorthand for the experience not the experience itself.
he constantly feels--cutting constantly  would help. And showing us the feeling rather than telling us would make this more imminent.
is waning, 
and joy
is taking its place.--No sense of why this may be happening and without imagery it just reads flat without impact.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[aschueler]

So here is where you seem to be stuck. First, we're not all going to agree on the first part with the periods or the spaces in the words.

Next I see where you are stalled on the second strophe, you are telling us what you want to say. You need to show us. If nothing else, give an example of HOW he has had his anger and sadness change to joy...what is he doing? How is it happening? That's what makes it poetry.

It's kinda hard. But keep trying man you've got a good start there

[BecktheDog]

EDIT #2
Alright in the second stanza I'm trying to show rather than tell.  Thanks for all of your help!

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling, 
all
over
his
leg. 

He sits down,
resting his crutches too.
His anger ebbs
and then flows
leaving joy
in its wake.

[Todd]

EDIT #2
Alright in the second stanza I'm trying to show rather than tell.  Thanks for all of your help!

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling, 
all
over
his
leg. 

He sits down,
resting his crutches too.
His anger ebbs
and then flows
leaving joy
in its wake.

Look at your last four lines. How does what you've written show anger ebbing or joy being what remains? You are still just telling us these things as facts.

Just some quick feedback.

Best,

Todd

[dukealien]

EDIT #2
Alright in the second stanza I'm trying to show rather than tell.  Thanks for all of your help!

Coffee Pants
A boy who can't walk without crutches
also can't carry a cup of coffee to his room
without spilling, 
all
over
his
leg. 

He sits down,
resting his crutches too.
His anger ebbs
and then flows
leaving joy
in its wake.

Left it on the first crit because (1) I didn't mind being told [my bad], and (2) hard to explain without a rewrite.  But, in serious peril of that awful sin,  something like "...he smiles, then laughs at his dark-spotted coffee pants."  But yours, and better.