My 1st post - Something from the garden

[lr3ke100]

What would it mean to she who passed   
a single room with a lamp left on?    
If two lovers wandered out into their garden         
to live where twilight lives after dark.   
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom.   
where the wild rasberries grow.    
Like chords from the string,     
only speaking of inconsequent things    
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.   
And she, understands what the writing means.   
All he may mark would be his own,    
offset by what is hers alone.     

[Achebe]

What would it mean to she who passed   ... to her
a single room with a lamp left on?    
If two lovers wandered out into their garden         
to live where twilight lives after dark.   ... 'to live' not needed?
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom.  ... sat
where the wild rasberries grow.    
Like chords from the string,     
only speaking of inconsequent things    ... inconsequential
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.   
And she, understands what the writing means.   
All he may mark would be his own,    
offset by what is hers alone.     

Hi Ir3, some minor bugs pointed out above.
The question at the start is never answered. It's not obvious enough to be rhetorical, so it just hangs there like a loose thread.
The final four lines are wordy. I've read them several times, but can't understand what you're trying to say. The juice isn't worth the squeeze.

Overall, some nice atmospherics, but rather incoherent.

[Todd]

Hi Melissa,

There are elements of this that work for me, and as a reader some that don't. Your opening two lines feel a bit clunky to me. I think it's the "she who passed" passive voice feel. It's a bit unnatural and it doesn't draw me in. I have the same trouble with the last four lines. They pull me out of the poem and make me think about the back and forth phrasing. I'm not saying those sections are unimportant to you. They may have their place. They just seem problematic to me. 

Once you hit L3 the poem picks up speed. I love your phrasing on L4 (favorite line in the poem). You have a typo with raspberries on line L6.

So in short, my issues are a halting start and the drop off at the end.

I hope the comments help you on revision. I think this one could be developed nicely.

Best,

Todd

What would it mean to she who passed   
a single room with a lamp left on?    
If two lovers wandered out into their garden         
to live where twilight lives after dark.   
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom.   
where the wild rasberries grow.    
Like chords from the string,     
only speaking of inconsequent things    
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.   
And she, understands what the writing means.   
All he may mark would be his own,    
offset by what is hers alone.     

[Erthona]

What is the point of telling the reader this is your first poem? A poem should stand or fall on its own. a poem needs no introduction nor does it need an explanation.

What would it mean to she who passed  
a single room with a lamp left on?   ( Rhetorical statements do not generally work in poetry. The writer evidently has the answer to the question and the reader does not, so what is the point in asking the reader to guess something the writer already knows, it comes across as condescending.)
If two lovers wandered out into their garden        
to live where twilight lives after dark. (Not a complete sentence)
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom. (This should probably be coupled with the two lines above to form a complete sentence) 
where the wild rasberries (sic) grow.    (Not a sentence)
Like chords from the string,    
only speaking of inconsequent (sic) things   ("speaking only of inconsequential things")
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.   (changing tense, "When he writes, he thinks of her constantly" no comma)
And she, understands what the writing means.   (no comma)
All he may mark would be his own,    (tense- "All he may mark will be his own")
offset by what is hers alone.  

dale

[homer1950]

What would it mean to she who passed   
a single room with a lamp left on?    
If two lovers wandered out into their garden         
to live where twilight lives after dark.   
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom.   
where the wild rasberries grow.    
Like chords from the string,     
only speaking of inconsequent things    
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.   
And she, understands what the writing means.   
All he may mark would be his own,    
offset by what is hers alone.     

Agreeing and adding to what others have said already. L-1 and 2 You are posing a question. Then at L-3 you start the line with the word "If". To me as the reader it makes me think you are extending question to that line as well. It reads in my thoughts like this. 

What would it mean to she who passed   
a single room with a lamp left on?    
 
What would it mean to she If two lovers wandered out into their garden to live where twilight lives after dark. And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom. where the wild raspberries grow.    
 
As the reader since I don't know I was expecting that you would tell me. Or that those things meant nothing to her i. e. things inconsequential. 
 
If the latter then the set up for what follows next makes no sense. If the former and it is a rhetorical question, how could I know the answer? 
 
Just something to think about.

[ComfortablyDisfunctional]

You start this piece with a ambiguos question of which the reader may presume the destinjation of its answer will then follow. This starting formula is a bit basic, and needs more artistic ambience to draw out its depth or it just feels repugnant and contrived. The following two lines then lays out a basic setting, and introduce two characters. This is all starting to feel cliche, and feels more like an attempt at depth approached without true individual creativity. The three lines after begin with a run on, and attempt to thicken the story. The elements here poorly fit, sound like the beginning of a nursery rhyme, and read like some kind of attempt to reach creative depth by dropping a large word with a sudder simile. It just lacks artistic appeal. The last three lines conclude it all fading back to the characters disclosing some personal feelings. The ending here comes off like a typical yawn inducing prologue leading to the obvious with subtle failed attempts at creativity and depth through a basic set up and knock down structure.

[Queerventions]

I agree with the everyone about the beginning question going unanswered. However, I must say that the originality of the poem isn't bad. It has some spelling errors, incomplete sentences, and a rhetorical question that really isn't rhetorical; but overall I think I understand it and more importantly, like it. Here's my thought's on it.

Two lovers wandered out into their garden
to where twilight lives after dark,
And sat among the leaves and flowers late to bloom
where the wild raspberries grow,
only speaking of inconsequential things.
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.
And she will understand what the writing means.
All he may mark would be his own,
offset by what is hers alone.
What would it mean to her,
passing a single room with a lamp left on?

I figured the question you posed fit well with writing at the end, so i think it would work better if the two were closer. I fixed a few spelling errors and changed the question to lineup with the future tense you have in the last four lines (which I continued as well).
I hope this helps and didn't just do all the editing for you haha
good luck!

[bedeep]

I found this lovely and atmospheric in a pleasing way. I agree you should make the corrections as noted where there are errors of grammar.

For me the poem fails in the final two lines. They don't tell me enough and they also don't continue to carry the mystical atmosphere generated by what's gone before.

But I think this piece has promise, if the ending were ramped up -- as it is it's kind of like a beautifully wrapped and ceremoniously presented package that contains something rather ordinary and mundane. Put something really special in there instead.

[billy]

i agree with most of what was said for the same reasons given. the main problem i have with the piece is this; it feels to disjointed. why would they live in the garden? twilight lives before the dark [at the end of the day] what does he write? at first read it sounds good but on closer look i know nothing of the lovers.

What would it mean to she who passed   
a single room with a lamp left on?    
If two lovers wandered out into their garden         
to live where twilight lives after dark.   
And sit among the leaves and flowers late to bloom.   
where the wild rasberries grow.    
Like chords from the string,     
only speaking of inconsequent things    
When he writes, he'll think of her constantly.   
And she, understands what the writing means.   
All he may mark would be his own,    
offset by what is hers alone.     

[Leanne]

This poem was posted 10 days ago and has received, to date, 8 very useful and thorough critiques.  People have spent a good deal of time on it and here at The Pig Pen, a "thank you" is the least that's expected.  If the OP has no intention of workshopping in the next 24 hours, this thread will be closed and with no further comments, will sink into obscurity forevermore.  /Admin