These Things Pass

[Erthona]

These Things Pass
 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,
she drank her coffee as watery
as the eyes of some of her friends,
or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,
precipitating me to leave town
and move far away.
The next time I saw her,
was some years later.
She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)
telling me she knew what I wanted,
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.
She had been my favorite aunt,
my only aunt really.
She used to come and take me
to the "Corner Drug Store"
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way,
but just like the Easter Bunny,
These Things Pass.
 
erthona
 
©2016

[Achebe]

These Things Pass
 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,
she drank her coffee as watery
as the eyes of some of her friends,
or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,
precipitating me to leave town
and move far away.
The next time I saw her,
was some years later.
She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)
telling me she knew what I wanted,
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.
She had been my favorite aunt,
my only aunt really.
She used to come and take me
to the "Corner Drug Store"
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way,
but just like the Easter Bunny,
These Things Pass.
 
erthona
 
©2016

1) I'm mystified by the quotation marks and the capitalisation in the last line.
2) Is 'as watery as the amount of oil to salt water we were getting in our leases' grammatically correct? I don't think so. Needs rewriting, I'd think.

Enjoyed reading it.

[shaan]

These Things Pass
 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,
she drank her coffee as watery
as the eyes of some of her friends,
or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,
precipitating me to leave town
and move far away.
The next time I saw her,
was some years later.
She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)
telling me she knew what I wanted,
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.
She had been my favorite aunt,
my only aunt really.
She used to come and take me
to the "Corner Drug Store"
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way,
but just like the Easter Bunny,
These Things Pass.
 
erthona
 
©2016

To me it feels like that i'm reading a kids' short story instead of a poem.
Maybe it's just me.

she drank her coffee as watery 
as the eyes of some of her friends,
or the amount of oil to salt water 
we were getting when we finally 
closed downed the oil leases, 

If the simile in this stanza can be reworded/rephrased, it might sound bit better IMO.

All the best!

[Achebe]

Hi dale - a slightly more detailed crit. hope it helps.

These Things Pass
 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,
she drank her coffee as watery
as the eyes of some of her friends,
or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,             ....suggest something on the lines of "or our leases, less oil than salt water / when we finally closed them down"
precipitating me to leave town ....did you really 'leave town' because your offshore oil leases had run out? or were they onshore leases? where was the salt water coming from, if the latter? just curious. Not a crit. If it's made up, then it is a serious crit. Because in that case, I'd doubt whether you'd have left town for said reason. It's not as if you were sucking out the oil from the wells manually.
and move far away.  ....don't think this merits its own line
The next time I saw her,
was some years later. ....again, a rather bland statement to merit an entire line
She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away) ....unnecessary. the next 2 lines show that she's batty enough
telling me she knew what I wanted,
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.
She had been my favorite aunt,
my only aunt really.  ....rambling
She used to come and take me ...Too many words. 'She'd take me to the corner drug store' might be less rambling
to the "Corner Drug Store" ....quotation marks?
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way, ....nice 
but just like the Easter Bunny,
These Things Pass. ....unsure about the capitalisation and how exactly the Easter Bunny passes. Do you mean faith in the Easter Bunny? I don't think everything needs to be spelled out exactly, but as a reader - and not as a Serious critter looking deliberately for issues - it did bother me the first time. Why not Santa Claus? I was wondering then.
 
erthona
 
©2016

[laltieri0]

These Things Pass
 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,  Lottie! What a great name!
she drank her coffee as watery   
as the eyes of some of her friends, ...this is nice. It both characterizes her friends (and by extension, Lottie herself) as well as the way she takes her coffee (also says a lot about a person)

or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,  ... clarify this.

precipitating me to leave town and move far away.  "leave town" "and move far away" its a little redundant.  You could be just as clear eliminating "leave town."

The next time I saw her was some years later.

She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)
telling me she knew what I wanted,  I don
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.
She had been my favorite aunt,
my only aunt really.  unnecessary, sounds like a side note. Also, "really" at the end detracts further from an already useless line

She used to come and take me
to the "Corner Drug Store" as everyone else asked, why the quotation marks?
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches  to buy?
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way,  good
but just like the Easter Bunny,  I don't know if you need "just," also, the Easter Bunny is unclear. Maybe choose a different phase to reference
These Things Pass.  I like this closing line but again...why the caps?
 
erthona
 
©2016

There's some incongruity between the first and second halves of the poem. From "the next time i saw her" on, your tone and style seems to change. Not necessarily a bad thing or a crit, just an opinion.  Overall, it's engaging and a good read. Thanks!

[RC James]

 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,
she drank her coffee as watery                                         Wistful, it is, yes, and it shows a fine appreciation and regard for the aunt.
as the eyes of some of her friends,                                     I like very much the comparison of coffee to the watery eyes, I think, though,
or the amount of oil to salt water                                       you could leave it with that, the reference to oil somehow drags it out and weakens it.             we were getting when we finally                                          I think yoiu could use the oil to salt water  image in another way.   
closed downed the oil leases,                                              (I left town and moved far away when we started getting too much salt water 
precipitating me to leave town                                             in our oil, causing us to shut down the wells) 
and move far away. 
The next time I saw her, 
was some years later. 
She met me at the door unafraid, 
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)                            You could get more humor out of his gun sequence somehow - She didn't have her six-shooters
telling me she knew what I wanted,                                    on her when she came to the door (my dad had convinced her to hang 'em up)  or something   and that she was dialing 911.                                              in that vein.
She had been my favorite aunt, 
my only aunt really. 
She used to come and take me 
to the "Corner Drug Store" 
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches                                       I like the feel of this, but somehow I want you to get closer to the aunt, more familiar.
on toasted bread and a coke 
mixed the old fashioned way, 
but just like the Easter Bunny,                                            I also think you could break it up into 2 or 3 stanzas.  Hope this helps some
These Things Pass. 
 

[Wjames]

These Things Pass
 
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,
she drank her coffee as watery
as the eyes of some of her friends,  I really like this imagery.
or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,  I sort of agree with the others about this oil, salt water section being confusing, and weaker than the eye imagery.
precipitating me to leave town I don't like your use of "precipitating me", it irritates my ears for some reason. I would substitute another phrase.
and move far away.
The next time I saw her,
was some years later.
She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)
telling me she knew what I wanted,
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.  What did you want?
She had been my favorite aunt,
my only aunt really.
She used to come and take me
to the "Corner Drug Store"
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way,
but just like the Easter Bunny,
These Things Pass.  I like the wistful ending.
 
erthona
 
©2016

I enjoyed reading this one.

[tectak]

These Things Pass
 Hi dale, Iwas waiting for a response from you before I had a go at this one...I can't wait forever. Onwards.
My aunt Lottie lived to be one hundred and two,Period. An opening statement. Give it space.Purely for scansion you could drop the opening"My". There is going to be a lack of coherent (as in the phasing of light) in the piece and so it may not matter to you, but it does to me.
she drank her coffee as watery Start with a capital. It is a must, here. Again, drop the second "as"
as the eyes of some of her friends, "She drank thin coffee, watery as the eyes of her friends; same ratio as oil to brine we were sucking when the leases were closed down." The point is more "gettable" with less convoluted explanation.
or the amount of oil to salt water
we were getting when we finally
closed downed the oil leases,
precipitating me to leave town "precipitating me to.." whilst just acceptable is bordering on clumsy. You could say " ...precipitating my leaving town to live far away". Less is more? Just saying.
and move far away.
The next time I saw her,
was some years later.
She met me at the door unafraid,
(Thank god they'd taken her guns away)Brilliant. Brilliant. Veracity. Some may say drop the brackets in favour of the double m-dash. I could argue both ways, especially as there are not that many opportunities to double-m correctly. This is, I believe, one of those times.
telling me she knew what I wanted,
and that she was dialing 9-1-1.A pet hate of mine. This isnot a balance sheet so "nine-one-one"
She had been my favorite aunt, Still is, surely. Dead or alive
my only aunt really.
She used to come and take me
to the "Corner Drug Store"
and buy me tuna fish sandwiches
on toasted bread and a coke
mixed the old fashioned way,Methinks semicolon
but just like the Easter Bunny,
These Things Pass. Why the capitals? Did you have an excessof them?
 
erthona
 
©2016

OK. It is my kind of introspective, circumspect, pensive, pointless prose so I like it. The only suggestions I made are"tidy-ups". Some people like living a peregrination...wandering about snipping at the roadside flowers and crossing over with chicken's logic...so in that sense, you may totally ignore me.
Best,
tectak

[zorcas]

this post has only been allowed in order to show how not to post in serious, please read forum instructions at the top of each forum./mod


The line "used to come and take me" suggests the poet needs to develop more economical use of words: "used to come" is wholly useless, and learning what she bought for the poet so mundane and unremarkable except for not capping Coke that it reminds of "Routines" discussed not far away which also trod infertile ground.

[Erthona]

For all who commented on this, I appreciate your effort (laltieri0, RC James, WC James). I think I must have gotten sick just after I wrote this as I always respond to comments. As it was mentioned time and again, I wanted to clarify about the oil wells. We pumped what was called stripper wells. The average well pumped about a barrel of oil a day to 100 barrels of salt water. If the price of oil should drop, as it did in the late 1980's, the cost of extracting the oil is more than what one gets for selling it. I note that I moved "far" away to explain why I had not kept in touch with my aunt and why she would not recognize me.

"precipitating" is probably not the best word, but I wished to avoid "caused".


Achebe, I think " 'She'd take me to the corner drug store'" is much cleaner.

As everyone has asked, the quotation marks around "Corner Drug Store" are there because that was it's name, it was not "Adams" drug store on the corner that everyone simply called the Corner Drug Store. Although as it causes everyone so much of a problem I will remove the quotes. It is obviously disruptive to the reading.

Thanks Tom,

Good suggestions as always.

dale