Sweat

[laltieri0]

Edit 3:
Seventy degrees don't slow
the drop of morning's brew
or deter my tongue in parting
her from this porcelain lip.


Edit 2:
Seventy degrees don't slow
the drop of morning's brew
or deter my tongue from parting 
it from this porcelain lip.


Edit 1:
Seventy degrees don't slow
The drop of morning's brew
Or deter my tongue from parting 
Her porcelain lips. 


Seventy degrees don't slow the

drip of morning's brew or

deter my tongue from parting

her porcelain lips.

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the Pen. You might want to reconsider your choice of breaks. For me, dropping both "the" and "or" to the lines below would leave slow brew and parting lips, which appeals to me.

I'm having a bit of trouble with porcelain, which brings to mind white or transluscent, both difficult for me to picture with lips.

A nice morning feel.

Seventy degrees don't slow the

drip of morning's brew or

deter my tongue from parting

her porcelain lips.

[laltieri0]

Thank you for your feedback, ellajam! I definitely agree with your point about the breaks. Shifting them makes it much better. 

As for the porcelain part, I'm a little stumped here. My intent is to kind of continue this coffee-esque theme after "brew," and that's what brought me to porcelain... A mug of coffee. However, I do see the issue you're having with the image. I've been trying to play around with it but besides dropping the word altogether, I can't find something. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, does it make more sense if either 1) the title changes to something coffee related or 2) I completely remove "porcelain" so it ends on "her lips" ?

Hi, welcome to the Pen. You might want to reconsider your choice of breaks. For me, dropping both "the" and "or" to the lines below would leave slow brew and parting lips, which appeals to me.

I'm having a bit of trouble with porcelain, which brings to mind white or transluscent, both difficult for me to picture with lips.

A nice morning feel.

Seventy degrees don't slow the

drip of morning's brew or

deter my tongue from parting

her porcelain lips.

[ellajam]

IMO it would work best if either, or both, woman or cup could be pictured.

[shaan]

Seventy degrees don't slow
The drop of morning's brew
Or deter my tongue from parting 
Her porcelain lips.  --- you are referring to a Coffee Cup but it's not being delivered as a cup.

[Rogo]

"Sweat"

Seventy degrees don't slow
the drop of morning's brew
or deter my tongue from parting 
it from this porcelain lip. 


Your wordplay is interesting. 

The connection of "brew" to "dew" is almost immediate. The image of coffee and morning dew helps form a feeling of a start to something. "Porcelain lip" seems to reference the lip of a mug, which is almost sexual in light of the title and the phrase "my tongue from parting." The title also seems to reference work with the rest of the poem establishing a sense of determination behind it — "don't slow" gives a kind of "blue collar" feeling which supports this.

The images of "work", "love," and "beginning" create an interesting relationship and narrative thats adds a lot of depth to the poem's minimalism.

The only criticism I can think of is that "from/parting it from" sounds a little awkward with the two from's, though this is very minor and almost unnoticeable. I also can't help feeling there's more to say here. However, sometimes a poem exists simply to capture a moment in time.

IMO it would work best if either, or both, woman or cup could be pictured.

I think that was hinted at with "my tongue parting." Although, the image could be made stronger so long as the stillness in the poem's simplicity isn't disrupted

[laltieri0]

Rogo, thanks for the feedback! I didn't notice the two "from"s but I'm hoping with this last edit I fixed that.   Your thorough read is much appreciated.

[KittyL]

Hello!
I agree with the above comments, the beauty of this poem is largely due to its simplicity, and it should stay that way.
The only thing that threw me off was the word "don't". I may be wrong, but I would consider replacing it with "doesn't" or "won't". This feels more grammatically correct.
I might just be reading it wrong, but that was what stood out to me.
-s.a

[humility]

My first thought was, why 70 degrees? Isn't that like almost perfectly comfortable? So why would it slow anything? Much less the coffee. And the image the last two lines gives me is of  someone trying to to use their tongue as a wedge to pry her from her coffee cup. And I don't see any connection between the title 'sweat' and the poem. Unless its to suggest this poem is actually about leading to morning sex instead of a morning cup of coffee and a kiss.