One Second Later

[Mattp]

One Second Later


Sometimes rain falls.
Sometimes it sounds like laughter.
Sometimes it's driven against steel by sudden winds and shatters,

yet,

all space and things become still in a moment.
A narrowing of a man's eye;
a small smirk;
which begins something horrible, inevitable,
and utterly hilarious.

[billy]

One Second Later


Sometimes rain falls. no need for sometimes here
Sometimes it sounds like laughter.
Sometimes it's driven against steel by sudden winds and shatters, i think you need some punctuation in order to show it shatters and that shatters is not a thing

yet,

all space and things become still in a moment. a suggestion would be to use [inert] or anther word choice instead of still, which feels pretty bland; for me the poem went well to the end of this line then loses the split second
A narrowing of a man's eye;
a small smirk;
which begins something horrible, inevitable,
and utterly hilarious.

[homer1950]

One Second Later


Sometimes rain falls.
Sometimes it sounds like laughter.
Sometimes it's driven against steel by sudden winds and shatters,

yet,

all space and things become still in a moment.
A narrowing of a man's eye;
a small smirk;
which begins something horrible, inevitable,
and utterly hilarious.

I agree with Billy in L1- you do not need the word sometimes. However if you wanted to build intensity by using the word at the beginning of each line I understand your usage.
 
So if that was your intent, then on examination of the lines by L-3 you have actually lost the intensity you sought to create.  The way the lines are currently written as 123- 12345- 12345678910, L-3 has too many words to maintain intensity.
 
L-5 reads; all space and things- have you considered Space and Time / Matter- I admit they are somewhat worn, yet the familiar feel of them may set the mood better. 
 
L-8 reads; Which begins - the line conveys a moderate tone of commencement, where as you may have been wanting more of a sci-fi feel. How about -The beginning of – It is a stronger conveyance of commencment in that, it is saying something could go on indefinitely.
 
L-8 Seems to be building a crescendo effect with some serious words; horrible, inevitable.. Then L-9 turns back on the reader with -and utterly hilarious -letting us off the ominous hook.  
 
Would you consider drawing out that feeling, with something like this:
 
L--8 the beginning of something horrible! Inevitable!
 
L-9 and...
 
L-10 utterly hilarious.

[LunaDeLore]

Mattp,

I enjoyed reading this poem; it was refreshing. However, your choices concerning capitalization made me wonder. I'm not sure if L1- 3 are capitalized intentionally or not. No matter, it is alarming. On the other hand I have some understanding of your use of the semi colon but somewhat uncomfortable with L6 & 7...

A Narrowing of a man's eye;
A small smirk;
Which begins something....

It appears that you're using the semi colon in place of a conjunction but using it before which (a restrictive) doesn't work for me in this work. You really don't need it there and "a small smirk" could also be included on L6 instead of dropped down to create L7.

Example for revision:

A narrowing of a man's eye; a small smirk
Beginning something..... 

Using something like this, you could eliminate the restrictive and go with more of an active voice too.

Nevertheless,

Good work.

Luna

[Mattp]

Billy, thanks for taking the time to crit man, I'll work on the punctuation is L3 and find something more compelling than "still". Thanks again.

Homer - thanks for the detailed crit. Much appreciated.

- Matt

[shaan]

One Second Later


Sometimes rain falls. When rain falls
Sometimes it sounds like laughter. At the end I would replace period with a comma
Sometimes it's driven against steel by sudden winds and shatters, This line can be composed with less words

I would recompose L1 - L3 like something below:
When rain falls
Sometimes it sounds like laughter,
And sometimes it creates the music 
As driven against  steel by sudden winds
And it shatters.

yet,

all space and things become still in a moment.  All space and time become idle in a moment
A narrowing of a man's eye;
a small smirk;
which begins something horrible, inevitable,
and utterly hilarious.

In my opinion,
The (L1-L3) are very poetic but L5-L9 are not matching up with the first three lines.  I would spend some more time to these lines.  All the very best.

[Mattp]

Luna, shaan, thanks for taking the time to crit. I'll consider your suggestions. Cheers,

- Matt

[REW]

One Second Later


Sometimes rain falls.
Sometimes it sounds like laughter.
Sometimes it's driven against steel by sudden winds and shatters,

yet,

all space and things become still in a moment.
A narrowing of a man's eye;
a small smirk;
which begins something horrible, inevitable,
and utterly hilarious.

Hi Matt,

For me this poem is about mental illness, how after a sudden quiet anything can happen basically.  If rain represents the mind and its manifestations of laughter, or of becoming fierce, or of shattering, then I question your use of the word yet.  Maybe the word then?  Or writing "all space and things [can] be still in a moment, [then]  a small smirk..."

The poem speaks of being Bipolar or a little touched or maybe a lot touched, like when suddenly someone is laughing hysterically over something someone else is horrified over.

It seems to me that this could use a bit of tweaking.  Right now the poem has a structure in the first stanza and even a bit of rhyme.  Then the second half has no structure to compare to the first.  If you would like to have a lack of structure to indicate the explosion of madness after silence, then perhaps making it more drastically disorganized or explosive in format for the second stanza?

So those are some of my thoughts.  My sense is that I like what you have here, but I feel like you are not done with this yet.

[Mattp]

Casey - I suspect you're right; this needs some tweeking. Problem is it's hard to alter as it is difficult for me to nail down exactly where it came from. It originated when I was trying to put words to something that cannot be otherwise articulated. Maybe sitting on it for a while is the key. Thanks for your thoughts -

- Matt

[Achebe]

Hi Matt. The part before 'and yet' is nice. I liked the idea of rain 'shattering' against steel. Billy's already pointed out how the first 'sometimes' is not needed (not just that, it's confusing).
The part after 'yet' sounds a bit nonsensical, to be frank. It's too cryptic.
It's also not clear to me how all that relates to rain.
Good luck.

[Mattp]

Frank is good. Thanks.