No Vacancy

[TonyMahoney]

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

[dukealien]

There is an original idea here, and it makes an interesting poem. The basic idea and structure could be tightened up and expressed better - edit, edit!  My central suggestion is to think how what you've said could be misinterpreted (see details below), and perhaps since you're semi-rhyming, regularize the meter - but not completely.

Loneliness owns everything,  Nice opening - comma is not needed.
in the hearts of crippled men.   Problematic word choice ("crippled") - I got the idea of mentally limited, but aside from being an SJW-disapproved word, in this context it could be  misinterpreted as physically crippled... which is not what you mean.  Consider, for example, "in the crippled hearts of men" to eliminate "crippled men."
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.   Added unstressed syllable, OK.
Every word unspoken,   Missing a whole metric foot here from your established 4:3:4:3 system - can one be added?
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,  No comma needed - enjambment working here
in understanding why.   This is an important line - can it be made stronger?
Of course you know it's all your fault,   I do this (shift from third-person observations to addressing an undefined "you") - it's natural in my part of the country.  But I'm also criticized for it, so perhaps you could try sticking to the observational voice.
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,  bear
as is the crushing shame.  "as is" a bit archaic - rephrase to more modern?
The others used to come around,   no comma needed
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,   Metric problem here - substitution at "wasted" does not read easily, IMHO
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.   This line is a little weak - try it with active instead of passive voice
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.  Good line, like the varied spellings that make the rhyme.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.  The last several pairs of lines sentence fragments - can they be, or be combined into, a complete sentence?
Loneliness owns everything,  Same comment as on the first lines.  Repeating them here is good, rounding out the message - make them your best possible!
in the hearts of crippled men.

Please don't take the above as harsher than it's meant to be:  each suggestion is just that, to be accepted or discarded at will.   Other ideas might be to make it frankly confessional - even if it's not you that you're discussing, put yourself in that other's place - or entirely commentary (no discourse to the "you" of the second half of the poem).

In summary, I like and can empathize with what's expressed here.  Tighten it  up and give it more bite:  "Loneliness can kill you deader than a .357 magnum."  (Officer Wintergreen, Electra-Glide in Blue)

[TonyMahoney]

Hey Dukealien,

      I greatly appreciate you taking your time to go over this and give me notes. I don't find the criticism to be harsh at all. I have no training in or understanding of poetry's technical elements so any advice or instruction given is greatly appreciated. I will look over these suggestions in detail and work on editing this poem. Thanks for the compliments.

                                                                                        -Tony

There is an original idea here, and it makes an interesting poem. The basic idea and structure could be tightened up and expressed better - edit, edit!  My central suggestion is to think how what you've said could be misinterpreted (see details below), and perhaps since you're semi-rhyming, regularize the meter - but not completely.

Loneliness owns everything,  Nice opening - comma is not needed.
in the hearts of crippled men.   Problematic word choice ("crippled") - I got the idea of mentally limited, but aside from being an SJW-disapproved word, in this context it could be  misinterpreted as physically crippled... which is not what you mean.  Consider, for example, "in the crippled hearts of men" to eliminate "crippled men."
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.   Added unstressed syllable, OK.
Every word unspoken,   Missing a whole metric foot here from your established 4:3:4:3 system - can one be added?
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,  No comma needed - enjambment working here
in understanding why.   This is an important line - can it be made stronger?
Of course you know it's all your fault,   I do this (shift from third-person observations to addressing an undefined "you") - it's natural in my part of the country.  But I'm also criticized for it, so perhaps you could try sticking to the observational voice.
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,  bear
as is the crushing shame.  "as is" a bit archaic - rephrase to more modern?
The others used to come around,   no comma needed
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,   Metric problem here - substitution at "wasted" does not read easily, IMHO
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.   This line is a little weak - try it with active instead of passive voice
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.  Good line, like the varied spellings that make the rhyme.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.  The last several pairs of lines sentence fragments - can they be, or be combined into, a complete sentence?
Loneliness owns everything,  Same comment as on the first lines.  Repeating them here is good, rounding out the message - make them your best possible!
in the hearts of crippled men.

Please don't take the above as harsher than it's meant to be:  each suggestion is just that, to be accepted or discarded at will.   Other ideas might be to make it frankly confessional - even if it's not you that you're discussing, put yourself in that other's place - or entirely commentary (no discourse to the "you" of the second half of the poem).

In summary, I like and can empathize with what's expressed here.  Tighten it  up and give it more bite:  "Loneliness can kill you deader than a .357 magnum."  (Officer Wintergreen, Electra-Glide in Blue)

[tectak]

There is an original idea here, and it makes an interesting poem. The basic idea and structure could be tightened up and expressed better - edit, edit!  My central suggestion is to think how what you've said could be misinterpreted (see details below), and perhaps since you're semi-rhyming, regularize the meter - but not completely.

Loneliness owns everything,  Nice opening - comma is not needed.
in the hearts of crippled men.   Problematic word choice ("crippled") - I got the idea of mentally limited, but aside from being an SJW-disapproved word, in this context it could be  misinterpreted as physically crippled... which is not what you mean.  Consider, for example, "in the crippled hearts of men" to eliminate "crippled men."
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.   Added unstressed syllable, OK.
Every word unspoken,   Missing a whole metric foot here from your established 4:3:4:3 system - can one be added?
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,  No comma needed - enjambment working here
in understanding why.   This is an important line - can it be made stronger?
Of course you know it's all your fault,   I do this (shift from third-person observations to addressing an undefined "you") - it's natural in my part of the country.  But I'm also criticized for it, so perhaps you could try sticking to the observational voice.
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,  bear
as is the crushing shame.  "as is" a bit archaic - rephrase to more modern?
The others used to come around,   no comma needed
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,   Metric problem here - substitution at "wasted" does not read easily, IMHO
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.   This line is a little weak - try it with active instead of passive voice
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.  Good line, like the varied spellings that make the rhyme.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.  The last several pairs of lines sentence fragments - can they be, or be combined into, a complete sentence?
Loneliness owns everything,  Same comment as on the first lines.  Repeating them here is good, rounding out the message - make them your best possible!
in the hearts of crippled men.

Please don't take the above as harsher than it's meant to be:  each suggestion is just that, to be accepted or discarded at will.   Other ideas might be to make it frankly confessional - even if it's not you that you're discussing, put yourself in that other's place - or entirely commentary (no discourse to the "you" of the second half of the poem).

In summary, I like and can empathize with what's expressed here.  Tighten it  up and give it more bite:  "Loneliness can kill you deader than a .357 magnum."  (Officer Wintergreen, Electra-Glide in Blue)

Excellent crit. Balanced and germane. Well done duke.Mod.

[Mattp]

Tony - thanks for the read. I'll just throw some bits and pieces at you.

"The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed."

I'm digging this man. I think it might be the strongest section of this poem. I'm no master of meter but I think (THINK) it works here.

"Loneliness owns everything"

I'm reaching for this concept but I can't quite get there. The fault may be mine.

I'd recommend working some imagery into this piece but would it work given your approach? I don't know. Maybe something to consider as, as it stands, your phasing is pretty general and lacking the concrete. Food for thought and nothing more on that one.

Love to see more of yours, cheers,

- Matt

[REW]

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

Hi,

I couldn't possibly top all the detailed feedback you received from Dukealien.  

I do not typically like rhyme.  I think you did a really nice job with your rhyming in that it reads prettily and is not forced.

I have to second in particular the ambiguity Dukealien pointed out in your line, "in the hearts of crippled men."  I do like how that sounds as there is a certain ring to it imo, but moving crippled resolves the ambiguity:  "in the crippled hearts of men."  I understand what you mean as an emotional crippling, but then there are people who are physically crippled...if one reads it as physically crippled then it does change it.

[jameso]

A great poem in my opinion. I am not sure how to resolve the crippled thing. I do not agree that 'crippled hearts of men' is a good alternative. It changes the meaning, almost as if we all have crippled hearts. Whereas 'hearts of crippled men' points them out as a distinct group. To me 'the hearts of crippled men' is clearly talking about emotionally and not physically crippled. I would just run with it, personally, and not be too worried by political correctness. That's my 2 cents

[Matthew McKeown]

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

Hi Tony,
 
I like your poem it is touching, I would like to make a suggetion about being more descriptive, This is just a suggestion nothing in stone
 
First let me say this so you understand where I am going with my help. I believe a poet should be poetic, 
 
Example: Anyone can say; 
 
"I remember those days when my mother used to burn our dinners" 
 
However the world of readers are counting on us poets and writers to be much more descriptive something like this; 
 
"I remember many a night I would watch my mother, she seemed to have this far away look in her eyes. It was as though she was staring at the dusky twilight that appeared in the summer sky above our little farm. It was on those same nights that she seemed to inevitably burn our dinners"
 
With that idea in mind let's look at your poem.
 
 
Loneliness owns everything,-     same no change
in the hearts of crippled men.  -   it cripples the hearts of men
Walking down the path of fools, -     same no change
back through what could have been. -    through what might have been 
Every word unspoken, -   Every unspoken word
an indictment from on high -   appearing like some apparition, an indictment from on high
No consolation to be found, -   What consolation could be found
in understanding why. -   same no change
 
space-------
 
Of course you know it's all your fault, -   same no change
there's no one else to blame. -   with no one else blame
The guilt is yours alone to bare, -   your guilty conscience is yours alone to bare
as is the crushing shame. -  crushing your life with it's burdens and shame
 
space-------
 
The others used to come around, - When others would come around  
and you felt more alone.   - it was then you felt most alone
They might not have wasted their time, - putting on your mask and wasting their time
had any of them known. - what would they have said if only they had known
 
space---
 
All the things you could have done, -   All the things you should have done
the changes that weren't made. -   the changes you promised yourself and never made
The friends that left you far behind, -   same no change
the bitterness that stayed. -   that bitterness that stayed
 
space----
 
All the chances you won't take, -   same no change
so certain you can't win. -   certain you could never win
Loneliness owns everything, -   same no change
in the hearts of crippled men. -   It cripples the hearts of men
 
Now I am just showing you how I would have written it (this is not me saying this is how you should), 

I am not you and I am confident you have much in your heart to say. So all I am suggesting is you describe that "much" in more detail
 
Thanks, Matthew

[sithcat]

Thanks for sharing your poem! It looks like you've already gotten some good feedback, but I will share my thoughts as well and hopefully you find something useful in them. I take your poem to be about the loneliness one can feel when faced with a life of addiction or some other crippling, self inflicting trauma or illness. 

My favorite lines were "The friends that left you far behind, the bitterness that stayed." I liked the opposing forces used. 

I am also interested in the choice of the term 'crippled'. This implies a wound that is inflected by others or is a result of an accident. Yet the rest of the poem places the blame for the subject's misfortune squarely on his/her own shoulders. Words like 'broken' or 'damaged' may be a little cliched, but they have a connotation closer to your possible intended meaning. 

I enjoy the rhythm and flow of the poem and quiet like the rhyming, however I would like to see more details and more punch. Are there examples, metaphorical or otherwise, you can include so that the reader is more tied to the story of the poem? What did the subject do to hurt him/her - self or others? Can you add a few lines in to illustrate that?  

Thanks again for sharing and best of luck.

Best,
sithcat

[Jasper]

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

Hey,

I really enjoyed reading this poem and I could relate to it. I liked your rhyme scheme. I thought the repetition of the first and last lines was strong and made a clear point. 

"Every word unspoken, 
an indictment from on high."
I didn't understand this line, I think it could be clarified. 

You could possible further improve it by putting more imagery, but it's pretty good as it is.

[whatisay-whatifeel]

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  Great opening! I love the diction of "crippled," it keeps the reader interested, wanting to understand what it is that has made them this way. 
Walking down the path of fools, Nice!
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high. The phrase "from on high" disturbed the flow of the poem for me. Is there a stronger phrase you can replace this with? Look at your word choice here.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why. This is brilliant. It rings true, and is highly relatable.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed. Nice!
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

I loved your rhyme scheme here. I found this poem to be beautifully written and highly identifiable. Great job!

[shaan]

Hi,
I'm new to this form.
I read your poem and I like it.
But I was thinking that to me it looks more like "thinking out loud" and self talking.
Which is not a bad idea for catharsis but a poem should give the feel of a poem.  If this can be tightened up a little, it would be a great poem, IMO.
take care.

[FallenPoet]

Firstly, there are some things I really liked about this poem. There are some choices of rhyme that worked very well, and I definitely feel the message you're trying to convey with this, due to some of the well presented imagery:

"Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men."

Good stuff there. Unlike some others, (respectfully) I don't have an issue with the use of "crippled". It's a decently powerful word to get your point across. Sometimes you have to forgo political correctness when using poetic language, imo. Within reason, of course.

I would suggest separating it into clear stanzas. In which case, the third and fourth stanzas feel off, to me, as far as meter. The meter, in general, feels a bit all over the place, actually. It seems to read well enough anyway, because of some rhyme choices that are nicely done. For example, in the third stanza, the meter is wacky compared to those before (which are bit off themselves, but maintain decent flow). These feel a bit wordy and harder to speak.

That being said, I also really enjoyed these, from those very stanzas:

"there's no one else to blame."

"as is the crushing shame."

They mesh well together, but the lines between are what trip them up, imho. All in all, quite enjoyable. A little tweaking often spawns big gains.

Peace.

[taratica]

Oh, I really liked this one! It works very well. If I were to edit it, I'd take out a couple of words and change only one.

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind, (perhaps change to 'who'?)
the bitterness that stayed.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

[LunaDeLore]

Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.  
Walking down the path of fools,
back through what could have been. ------- I like this illustration of rehashing the past and how hopeless doing so is.
Every word unspoken, ------------ maybe here you could consider " every word left unspoken"
an indictment from on high.
No consolation to be found, ------ to be or not to be, isn't that the question here? Why not go with "No consolation found" dropping to be.
in understanding why.
Of course you know it's all your fault, ----- I'm not sure if I like the use of a contraction here or not. I'm thinking: of course you know it is your fault
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare, -------- not sure if alone enhances this line or not, you could possibly consider omitting it
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,  ------ this is where the poem takes a major turn for me and I'm not sure if works..
and you felt more alone.  
They might not have wasted their time, ---- maybe, maybe you could go with  "their time may not be wasted, if only they had known"
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed.
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

Tony,

I think you have a foundation with this poem to build on. The message is one, I'm sure many people can relate to: regrets, loneliness, a need for change, and especially self blame. And I see where you say that cripple man cuts off the hands of others who try to help; that happens often. Anyway, I hope you consider some of my suggestions when revisiting this poem.

Luna

[BecktheDog]

Initially, when I looked at your poem the one, long stanza was a little bit of a turn off.  I think there are spots where your poem would benefit from a break.  Such as, in between the lines, "in understanding why" and "Of course...."  I think stanza breaks would help the reader ascertain a more defined meaning from your poem as well.  I got a little lost in the variety of feelings and thoughts.  
I really like the line "an indictment from on high."  The thought brings to mind a multitude of images and interpretations that add to the overall meaning of your poem.  
The idea a fractal poem works well here, because the ending mirrors the beginning, signifying a loss of direction and continuous pain. 

Nice work.

[Caleb Murdock]

This being poetry, I don't have any problem with "crippled men", as opposed to the "crippled hearts of men".  I think it's clear that you are talking about mentally crippled men.

As Mattp said, the poem could benefit from some imagery.  In this version, it is all general statements.  The best poems are usually tied down by specific images that readers can understand.  I would also watch out for common or cliche'd phrases.

I am a great proponent of what Frost referred to as "sentencing" -- i.e., writing as much of your poem as possible in grammatically correct sentences instead of just phrases. It makes for clearer poetry.

You say further up that you don't know much about the technical elements of poetry.  If that's another way of saying that you are new to poetry, then you clearly have a lot of talent.  You chose a serious topic; you gave it a serious, thoughtful treatment; much of your language is original and moving; and you brought the poem to a good conclusion.  You will write a lot of good poetry before you are done.