Touch

[jeh]

Yes, this commits one of those basic poetry crimes and is about love, but is it at all interesting to the reader anyway?

Title: Touch

I fail to ASTOUND you
but my words still pour forth
as a LIFETIME can exist
      in the space
between your eyes and mine.
I am a mendicant of love
hands scarred in stigmata of passion,
drinking from this cup, bitter and sweet,
these hands creating music
to avoid reaching for that which they will never hold;
I can make love without touching --
keep smiling
      laugh I pray

[Todd]

Hi, I'm not sure of your exact "crime", but love poetry does have certain challenges to pull off.

This is a bit all over the place. The ALL CAPS words stand out self consciously. The emphasis should come from the power of your phrasing not a trick with the font. 

The stigmata is the interesting part the rest is a bit predictable. If I had one piece of advice for rewrite I would use the title to drive the poem. While "Touch" is a fairly generic title the way you could make it pop is by making the entire poem about not being able to touch the one you love. So instead of stigmata go crucifixion (figuratively). Frustrate your narrator and you probably build tension and have a more pulled together poem.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd 

Yes, this commits one of those basic poetry crimes and is about love, but is it at all interesting to the reader anyway?

Title: Touch

I fail to ASTOUND you
but my words still pour forth
as a LIFETIME can exist
      in the space
between your eyes and mine.
I am a mendicant of love
hands scarred in stigmata of passion,
drinking from this cup, bitter and sweet,
these hands creating music
to avoid reaching for that which they will never hold;
I can make love without touching --
keep smiling
      laugh I pray

[jeh]

Thanks for the critique. I was kind of afraid it was falling flat. Originally this was a much longer poem but it got reduced down over days of editing and this is kind of the essential core, and perhaps it's a bit weak and cliched even after all that. I was just hoping maybe it gave some feeling of passion, but sounds like it may be lackluster.

[Erthona]

I fail to astound you, but my words still pour forth as a lifetime can exist in the space between your eyes and mine.

For me this is a bit of a non-sequitur. What does "words still pour out" have to do with "a lifetime...exist(ing) in the space between your eyes and mine. I'm not sure this is a workable image. These are two separate thoughts.

I fail to impress you with my words. A lifetime exist in the space between your eyes and mine. 

I am a mendicant of love

I question the word "mendicant" for two reasons. It does not seem to really fit with the wording of the rest of the poem, except stigmata (more on that later) and it is not really used properly. The speaker seems more of a demander of love rather than a "beggar" of love, or at least something in between.
hands scarred in stigmata of passion, (period)
There is no such things as hands scarred by passion, stigmata or otherwise.

Maybe:
These hands drink from this cup, bitter and sweet,
creating music to avoid reaching for that which they will never hold.
I can make love without touching --  (why are you using the double hyphen, what is the rationale?)
keep smiling
     laugh I pray (To whom are these last two line addressed?)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
It is better than the last piece I read of yours. This one has a character the reader can invest in, if only slimly So in that sense it is a better poem. That it is a love poem I cannot condone, as the writer shows not the slightest hint of being mature enough (poetry wise) to handle the form. The poem itself is one large cliche. It is hard enough not to simply parrot other people's ideas when one starts writing, but with love poetry, it is impossible not to do so. 

Best,


dale

[bluerain_]

Hello,

I fail to ASTOUND you

but my words still pour forth
as a LIFETIME can exist
      in the space
between your eyes and mine.








You have a very nice start to your poem. Maybe put a period after "my words still pour forth" then continue
with "Unspoken thoughts can exist in the space between your eyes and mine." I was questioning why the caps were there.

I am a mendicant of love
hands scarred in stigmata of passion,

drinking from this cup, bitter and sweet,

these hands creating music
to avoid reaching for that which they will never hold

I like where you were heading with this. Mendicant could be replaced with inquirer. I would take out a few lines. Suggestion: I am an inquirer of love with hands that create music to avoid reaching that which they will never hold.

I can make love without touching --

keep smiling
      laugh I pray

"I can make love without touching" is beautiful!

Best of luck,
Danielle

[homer1950]

You

Yes, this commits one of those basic poetry crimes and is about love, but is it at all interesting to the reader anyway?

Title: Touch

I fail to ASTOUND you
but my words still pour forth
as a LIFETIME can exist
      in the space
between your eyes and mine. The best 
I am a mendicant of love
hands scarred in stigmata of passion,
drinking from this cup, bitter and sweet,
these hands creating music
to avoid reaching for that which they will never hold;
I can make love without touching --
keep smiling
      laugh I pray

 Reading your poem is like reading a poem made up of clever lines. I do not feel passion in them.
Some of the best love poems are reality based and not vague or obscure.
 
There were what seemed to be several throw away lines. L2- pour fourth L8 drinking from this cup. Are these really the lines you would use to express your love?  Or did you just think they sounded poetic? I would recommend starting over with words that are meaningful to you. Don't think clever think love

[babymonkey]

i found you feedback shite[paraphrasing]..... it's not nice to see someone write such a thing is it? just comment on the poem, if you want to comment on someone's feedback do so in the pig's arse of the poetry discussion forum; further comments along a similar line will be deleted/mod

I enjoyed reading your poem.   I find nothing wrong with it.  Unlike Erthona who thought the metaphor "hands scarred in passion" is nonsensical, I like the image.  Too much passion has been known to be hurtful, but the metaphor might work a little better if you elaborated it by offering an example or two to help readers understand the reasons why your hands, and not your heart, were scarred by passion.  

Nice work!

[shaan]

Hi Jeh,

I failed to find the corelation between the title and the poem.
 Most of the time, a Poem's last stanza/line is concluding the whole
 poem which also supports the poem's title.

 L1 is a very good start but L2 - L5 are not very well composed.

 L6 is a nice thought but again L7 - L10 are scattered and not well composed.

 If I look at 
 L11: I can make love without touching
 This line should conclude the poem but then whole poem has to be re-written
 so all the metophores are in place and a reader is not going in a questioning mod.

I also couldn't figure out why some words are capitalized in the middle of the line.
I would suggest a rewrite of this poem with more composed thoughts.

[Seanharvey]

I would drop the all caps. Seems pretentious. Also the heavy biblical/Jesus imagery seems heavy handed. Unless it's supposed to be about God's love or something, which I don't think it is. I guess I just like love poems to be more romantic and less mystical/creepy.

[laltieri0]

Yes, this commits one of those basic poetry crimes and is about love, but is it at all interesting to the reader anyway?

Title: Touch

I fail to ASTOUND you Why is this capitalized? same question for LIFETIME.
but my words still pour forth this could be interesting, but I'm looking for a more concrete image.
as a LIFETIME can exist
      in the space The architecture here is strong
between your eyes and mine.
I am a mendicant of love try something other than mendicant
hands scarred in stigmata of passion, I like this idea, but am struggling with how it's phrased.
drinking from this cup, bitter and sweet,   I'm not sure how this fits in with the rest of what you're saying, and it's a bit tired.
these hands creating music they were scarred, now they're making music... incongruity
to avoid reaching for that which they will never hold;  ambiguous
I can make love without touching -- beautiful!
keep smiling
      laugh I pray I don't see the strength in spacing here that L4 had

The last three lines make this poem for me.  "I can make love without touching--" consider elaborating on that line and rewriting the poem around that idea.

[IgorSShute]

I can agree with Todd about the contents of the poem. It feels much stronger, shows that the touch is something you can't live without. I love how you cut out "in the space", the word that a line ends on is always the strongest and space was probably the best one you could find for that position.

Moving on, mendicant is I think the opposite of space, it simply does not go with the flow, it stands out (sometimes a wanted and needed consequence, but you could do better), I beg, I inquire your love, anything like that would work really, as long as it's not a "big" word.

The last few lines are amazing,  unlike many others I loved the contrasts. Big fan really, my literary teacher always hated that about me, but oh well. The last line I am not a fan of, it needs to be a bit stronger. I like "pray", it leaves a good message of wanting, but not having, however the phrasing could be better. 

Kind regards, Igor.