Hi River, you've got some really good lines here, especially toward the end of the poem. I think the first part could do with some attention to grammar because it's really difficult to read and it ends up feeling choppy, which is not a good entry to the rest of the poem. I'd suggest putting back some of the words you've felt weren't necessary.
The title is pretty cheesy. For me, this detracts from the content and could be construed as belittling. Personally I have no special attachment to dear baked Sylvia, but others do and as those are your audience, it's probably best not to offend them too much.
I'm not sure what the extent of the first part you're talking about is -- whether it's about the first sentence, where the I's are gone, or the bit about the tattoo then the drops of dew. Nevertheless, I've returned the I's.
As for the title, it's a tiny reference to obviously "Ariel", slightly less obviously "Daddy", and perhaps way less obviously Duchamp's "Why Not Sneeze, Rose Selavy?", which is also referred to throughout the poem. I agree it's a bit too, er, cheesy, but I'll keep it for now, if only because I can't think of a better title. The original title was "Beyond Ariel", but that sounds, I dunno, too reverential, and it ignores the Duchamp bit, which I want to lay out straight on the onset -- and "Ariel Sneezes", of course, is essentially the same as the present one, but less referential.
