Every Dog has his Day

[Julius]

Every Dog has his Day

Lost in each others soul we find two hearts
Laid bare, until the sands of time expire.
I'll love you while the gift of life imparts
The means to keep my very soul on fire.
Together we have reached the newest heights,
When all is said and done with endless rhyme,
In baited breath, my anxious heart recites
"I'll love you till the very end of time".
So hang in there and let us fan the flame;
My heart cries out to you, my soul on fire.
The pounding of our hearts is not a game;
You're everything in life I could admire.
Let's stop and smell the roses while we may,
For actions speak louder than words, they say.

[actual_trash]

This is wonderful, the only thing i can think to say that it could be easier to read with more broken up stanzas. The poem has such a great ebb and flow to it with the holding back-ish parts and the anxiety, then the romantic parts, it has a lot of character because if that, and adds more depth to the proclamations of love (not just talking about feelings but the feelings you have about those feelings). I don't know how to say that better sorry and sorry if I'm doing this critiquing thing wrong

[Julius]

This is wonderful, the only thing i can think to say that it could be easier to read with more broken up stanzas.  The poem has such a great ebb and flow to it with the holding back-ish parts and the anxiety, then the romantic parts, it has a lot of character because if that, and adds more depth to the proclamations of love (not just talking about feelings but the feelings you have about those feelings). I don't know how to say that better sorry and sorry if I'm doing this critiquing thing wrong

I'm glad my poem gave you a warm glow. Your response has me jumping for joy 

[Julius]

Bearing in mind some of the comments on my earlier threads, I thought a few people would respond - although I know I have a strange sense of humour

[Magpie]

Every Dog has his Day  ---- No, that's Saints you're thinking of, unless of course you were meaning Doris Day. Also Chinese people would be baffled at this title because 'The Dog' has a year in China, the next one being from 16th February 2018 to the 4th February 2019. Also note that not every dog is male (his) some of them are bitches and a half.

Lost in each others soul we find two hearts --- living in just one mind --- Call it some kind of revenge for tricking me into listening to 5 seconds of Neil Sedaka
Laid bare, until the sands of time expire. --- Time is a tricky thing to nail down. Does it really expire like a library book or a bus pass?? Then again there is the possibility of Eternity --- Where does it all end? Because I'm shit at quantum physics here is some Burns instead -- "Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear, And the rocks melt wi’ the sun: I will luve thee still, my dear, while the sands o’ life shall run."
I'll love you while the gift of life imparts --- That's very kind of you but you've pissed off so what use is your love to me
The means to keep my very soul on fire. --- Consider this anagram of your original line as an alternative "Everyone must telephone risky foam" It's deep as fuck man
Together we have reached the newest heights, --- Yeah yeah I've heard it all before --- Try 3 Mitsubishis, a half ounce (14 grammes if your metric) of speed, a half quarter of MDMA, 11 and half acid and a fortnight looking at daffodils then tell me you've reached new heights --- Then listen to 33 seconds of Neil Sedaka... trust me, it will be mind blowing
When all is said and done with endless rhyme, --- Endless rhyme? How does that one go? Forever presumably

In baited breath, my anxious heart recites
"I'll love you till the very end of time".
So hang in there and let us fan the flame;
My heart cries out to you, my soul on fire.
The pounding of our hearts is not a game; --- More hearts, more fires - I'm losing the will to live -- I only wanted revenge for the Neil Sedaka incident but I'm starting to think it's more hassle than it's worth. I need to go to work soon so I give in
You're everything in life I could admire. --- Really? That's terribly kind of you. Ooh you are awful!!
Let's stop and smell the roses while we may, --- There aren't any roses out at the moment, will daffodils do??
For actions speak louder than words, they say.

Yeah I get it -- It's cliche for the sake of cliche, but "at the end of the day" it's still cliche and you've used it in an unoriginal way. You've shot yourself in the foot and then the other foot. The only thing that indicates to me that this is tongue in cheek is that it is in the poetry for fun section, without that indicator —which we can really disregard anyway— the poem serves no porpoise or dolphin. It would probably go down a storm on blogworld, they're all crazy fuckers over there. "Oh darling this is simply marvellous, you've captured exactly what my heart was trying to say."

Consider as a possible edit the following couple of tweaks,
 

The A - Z of Cliche

"As far as the eye can see"

it's the "blind leading the blind."

They're "coming out of the closet"

"dressed to kill" and like Neil Sedaka

"everyone has a cross to bear."

Don't trust "fair weather friends",

you "give them an inch and they'll take a mile."

But that's fine, take your comfort in the fact that

"he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword."

"I wasn't born yesterday" and I don't want to "jump the gun"

but I "know which side my bread is buttered on."

Neil Sedaka laughs at me,

he tells me that I'm, "looking at the world through rose coloured spectacles."

Well there's "more than meets the eye" to what we've got here Neil.

In life, my motto is "nothing ventured, nothing gained."

I came up with that one myself, "off the top of my head."

I'm not trying to "pull the wool over your eyes"

but you really need to "quit horsing round"

If you were to "read between the lines"

you'd see that when the "shoe is on the other foot,"

(and the other other foot)

You've got to "take the bull by the horns,"

even when it seems like an "uphill battle."

As Neil Sedaka once said, 

"variety is the spice of life."

But "when all is said and done"

"X marks the spot!!"

(Neil Sedaka didn't say that).

Anyway...

if you think that's all there is,

"you ain't seen nothing yet" 

so "zip it and keep it shut."

Fare Thee Well Julius and Mr. Sedaka I wish you both well.

Mark

ps - I'm usually not so bitter but the Neil Sedaka incident has scarred me deeply. Amen

[billy]

i have to laugh at the time you must have spent on this, your one sick mofo

[Leanne]

Mark, I swear you are the devil incarnate. I may just start to worship you.

[Weeded]

[ellajam]

Everyone must telephone risky foam. *swoon*